Sin and Love
by tiger002
Summary: Jacob was a kid who didn't seem to have any problems. Smart, athletic, the son of a well respected deacon of his church. But when a secret attraction to the same sex becomes something much more, he finds himself in a world of confusion. Right and wrong blur. Good and evil take more than a single glance. He struggles to find truth, and acceptance in a world polarized by hate.
1. Prologue

Story.

It's a funny thing isn't it?

It's the way we communicate our lives, the lives of those past, and our dreams of what is to come.

It's also a portal into the realm of fantasy.

With carefully selected words, the author takes hold of the reader's senses, pulls them into their imagination, forces them to see things that don't exist, hear things that have never been said.

But what about when these combine?

Story.

It's a funny thing.

When the stories of fiction speak to reality.

When characters that never exist take the place of countless humans.

Jacob is one such character.

While he is but a product of the author's imagination, his struggle is reflected across the world, in some people more than others.

He will struggle

He will weep.

He will love and be loved.

He will hurt.

He will bleed.

He will hope and pray.

He is the person behind all the names and signs.

See what it is to falter, to question what you thought you knew. To feel the things thought taboo.

He is you.

In different ways, different stories.

He is me.

Through the wants and desire and pain.

We are human.

Embrace the humanity.

See the stories of those you would shun.

See the good and the evil.

See the light and the dark.

You see a gay

A queer

A fag.

That's a human created by God.

You see a homophobe

A bigot

That's a human God loves.

Do you see?

Do you understand?

In a society blurred by political agendas and thoughtless slogans, this is all part of the greater story.

Put aside the glasses of arrogance.

Let go of the assumptions that cloud your thoughts.

At least for a time.

Embrace this story.

And see yourself,

And your friends,

And your enemies,

For who they really are.

Some may say that my words are too harsh, too intolerant, too sinful.

They are welcomed in the most.

These days the issues rage from the halls of the Capital to the walls of Facebook.

These are not the days to be quiet.

So I call upon the Most High to guide my words.

I pray that this story would not be just my own.

Let the message go where this plot cannot.

Let every doubt be overwhelmed with faith.

Let every lonely man hear the calling of the one who never wants him to be alone.

Let every despair be drowned out by hope.

Let every weeping women embrace the arms that will never let go of her.

Let every lie be shattered by truth.

Let the desires into the world fade into only memories of long ago.

Let every ounce of hatred be destroyed by love.

"As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the blazing furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. Whoever has ears, let them hear." (Matthew 14 40-43)

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. (1 Corinthians 13 1-10)


	2. Chapter 2: Inside The Church

**A/N:**First of all, please note that the exert that was chapter 1 has been replaced with a prologue/intro.This is my story for National Novel Writing Month, in which I will attempt to write at least the first 50k words of this story this month. I've done this before, but that was fantasy, and this is a much more drama focused story, so it might not be as good, but I'm hoping I can still come up with something good. I want to give a huge thanks to Wyntirsno for betaing this story. With the point of NaNo being to write a first draft, I won't be editing this, so there might be some problems with it. But while it won't be perfect, I hope you'll enjoy it. I'm also not sure exactly where this story will go. I know some main points, but I can't be sure of the rating. For now, it's T, but it may go up if I find a need to.

I've thought about this issue for a while, about how Christianity should respond to the issue of homosexuals. I've studied the Bible, listened to a wide variety of people, and put a lot of thought into this issue. It doesn't have a simple answer, but through this story, I hope to present what I think. I've tried to be as open minded as I can, so I ask you to do the same. Many people are probably thinking this will be about gay marriage, which it won't, at least not directly. Instead it will be about how the relationship between the Christians and gay people, how they view each other, what they think about each other, what happens when they meet, and possibly most importantly, when they're one in the same

This story will be confrontational. It may offend some people. You may not agree with me.

And that's the point.

Take this journey with me. And let's see where this road will take us.

Also, I must note that some characters in this story are based off the series, Call of the Hero, now available on Amazon (link provided upon request). The author of that story is fine with me using the characters in this way, providing a backstory for some of them here. This story is a prequel of those, and no knowledge of the series is needed to understand this one (in fact they're different genres).

And with that out of the way…

**Chapter 2: Inside the Church**

Jacob strummed his guitar making sure it was properly in tune, as the band got ready around him. He saw the many people, the many teenagers starting to wander in from the yard where they always played games such as ultimate Frisbee before the service started. He wondered how many would come tonight, if he'd be able to live up to their expectations. He couldn't help but feel a bit proud with the way they responded to his music. There seemed to be more and more people every week.

Though he knew it wasn't just him it was all the people who stood along side him to perform. And the music wasn't his own either, he'd dreamed of writing his own worship music, but that would be a long way away. Besides, it wasn't like the old songs didn't have meaning. He could use the best in the world, take in their abilities, their genius and make it his own. He strummed a note, listening to make sure the pitch was true.

It was time.

He and the other musicians took their places on the stage, the beat of the drum helping him to steady his focus, his mind able to remember all the notes and lyrics, while everyone grew silent to listen.

"Come on everybody, let's worship God."

At this, those sitting on the couches in the back of the room stood up, coming up toward the front. He looked to the sky beyond the ceiling hoping that this wouldn't be about him or his talent, but about the God he performed for. He had always been told, always told himself that God was what mattered, his enjoyment or fame was only a side effect of that. If he lost the main thing, nothing else mattered.

We're going to start off with one of my favorites," he said while the crowd gathered. Hillsong's 'You'. Such a simple song, but one with such meaning to him and he knew to many others. His friend had told him it became his focus for his life, wanting to create something for God, not just for man. It seemed strange how much a simple song could mean, but for Jacob, the words of music resonated so much deeper than a simple word of the world.

…

He played the first few verses, coming to his favorite.

'_My dreams have found their purpose.  
My future in your hands  
My life would have no meaning if it weren't for you.'_

It was true. He didn't know exactly what he wanted to do with his life, but he wanted it to be for God. He thought about being a youth pastor, as he'd learned from Pastor Jeremiah. He loved the way he had such knowledge of the Word of God, but more than that, the way he lived, able to impact seemingly everyone who came in the room.

'_So I lay me down__  
__For Kingdom come__  
__Steel all that is within me__  
__Cause all I want in this world is more of You'_

'_And the less of me it is You__  
__Increasing as I fade away__  
__Your light for all the world to see__  
__God It is You who breaks the chains__  
__It is You who lights the way__  
__And everything I am cries out for You'__  
_

It wasn't about him, though he could be a famous speaker probably. Jacob saw that and as he sang the chorus again, he wanted that to be true for him too. He knew with his role in the church, he was recognized wherever he went there. Even guests soon learned his name seeing him help out his dad with the duties of a deacon, or aiding in worship for the full congregation. But as he sang the lyrics, "fading away, his life to become more about God every day", he hoped that could be true for him.

'_Lord make my life transparent__  
__Your life in mine displayed__  
__And let every earthly glory__  
__Go back to You_'

He saw the sights of them holding their hands toward heaven, forgetting the pain of their lives in a wave of ecstasy, brought on by the Holy Spirit. Some could say that God didn't exist because he couldn't be seen, but Jacob truly believed that the Spirit was present in these moments, in a way that couldn't be explained. This wasn't just worship to a distant God, but one so close, one that heard their every word and lived in their every breath.

'_And the less of me it is You__  
__Increasing as I fade away__  
__Your light for all the world to see__  
__God It is You who breaks the chains__  
__It is You who lights the way__  
__And everything I am cries out for You'_

He thought about his own sin, the pride that built him up, he wanted to fade away. As his fingers hit the notes out of memory, his mind wondered to the thoughts he knew he shouldn't have and hoped that he could get rid of. God could break these chains, cast them aside, but Jacob wondered why he didn't. It would make things better; make Jacob's service be easier. But so far, God hadn't.

But perhaps he would, just not yet. God's timing wasn't man's timing, it was something far more holy, that couldn't be fully understood. Jacob tried to believe that, but sometimes it was hard. Still, he had Christ and his forgiveness, and wasn't that enough. He hoped. He'd wondered too if the sin he struggled with meant that he wasn't fully saved, but every time he came back to First John, how the doubts proved that he was part of God's kingdom.

As that song ended the claps came from the crowd, but Jacob merely lifted his hands up, wanting to remind everyone, and himself, that this praise wasn't about him, but about the great and mighty God.

He readied the next song, a new one called 'Lord Of All'. He was sure the congregation hadn't heard it before, and that's what made him so passionate about it. The same old songs had a powerful meaning, but sometimes, introducing something new to praise God was what he wanted to do.

You are Lord of All  
You are King of Kings  
Everything I live for  
Everything I want to be

This was who he served, the one with power beyond all creation. The gentle power of the drums brought forth a beat that helped him to keep pace. Hosea had switched to an acoustic guitar for a softer noise. Not all worship was about being as loud as could be; sometimes something subtler was better able to convey the peace of God, not just the power. God was complicated, unable to be summed up in a simple verse or description. And it was this great and powerful God that Jacob wanted to serve.

Before time began  
You placed me in your plan  
What would I be if not for you?

This was more than he could understand, more than he could know. How could something exist outside of time? How could someone plan out every life of every human? He didn't understand. He wondered how God's power and free will could both be true, but there were times to debate theology, but this was a time to just worship. He could save those discussions for another time. More importantly, the only thing that truly mattered was what that power and plan meant, that if it weren't for God's gift and majesty, Jacob could only imagine what dark place he'd end up in.

You are Lord of All  
You are King of Kings  
Everything I live for  
Everything I want to be

Jacob looked out as he went through the chorus again, praying that those words be true for his peers. It was so easy to slip away, to chase after the lies of the world, and the darkness that lie within. But Jacob wanted something more, that didn't fade as quickly as it came. Even if he had everything his friends did, without God, what would that truly be? He wanted to want God more than anything else; he wanted them to want God more than anything else. Was that not the greatest thing?

From the manger to the cross  
How could I count up the cost?  
For you my king to bear such weight  
I'm always in awe of your unfailing grace

He'd done so much wrong. Perhaps he hadn't committed the horrible sins like murder or rape, but God was holy, and he was a sinner. The great mystery of Christ's love was something he never could truly comprehend, but he took it as it was. If his peers were any indication, he was a pretty good kid, but he knew he was but a sinner before a just God. But with the power of Christ, he could be redeemed. He didn't understand, but accepted it just the same.

Sacred and Beauty  
Fire and Fury  
The lion and the lamb  
The great I Am  
Alpha and Omega  
The Beginning and the End  
The only one I live for  
The one who paid my sin

Such great mysteries lie in the might of God. Not just love, power, and gentleness. But beyond it all a holiness that set Him far above all creation, and all that his imagination could understand. But Jacob was in awe of how God could be all that. Even so, God didn't ask for a complex understanding, just a simple faith, and that was what mattered.

With that song ended, Jacob put his guitar back on its stand while the clapping erupted once again. He said a prayer to God, thanking Him for allowing him to not mess up, even though he knew how often he struggled with the chords during the chorus there.

"Nice job Jacob," Pastor Jeremiah said patting Jacob on the back as he went up to preach. Jacob sat down in a chair backstage, the other members of the band soon joining him.

"Great work everyone," Jacob said, wanting to remind everyone, but most importantly himself that this wasn't just him, but the work of all of them for the glory of God.

"Yeah, we finally got the beat right on that last song," the drummer Matt said.

"Good work on that, your beat seemed to do a nice job of keeping us all together," the bassist said, grabbing a bottle of water out of their fridge. "I was wondering if we'd be able to get it right. I'm just glad it wasn't as bad as the last time we performed it together."

"Yeah, skipping a page in the lyrics really messed things up," Jacob said looking down. Luckily the crowd knew the song enough to get them back on track, though there was still a bit of laughter around them.

"They didn't seem to mind much," Matt said.

"Yeah, I still felt like an idiot. You'd think I'd remember the pages are double sided by now," Jacob said.

"Oh well, live and learn," Snoopy said. "You have any plans for next weekend Jacob?"

"Well, we have that big church party next Sunday, so we'll probably be practicing for that," Jacob said, already overwhelmed with all the practices they'd be doing. It was one thing to do 2 or 3 songs for a Sunday night; it was something else to be up performing for an hour.

"Well, what about Friday night, we're not practicing then," Matt said.

Jacob grabbed the band's binder containing their schedules along with numerous other pages. Doesn't look like it, why?" he asked.

"Well, my friend Justin's throwing a big party at his dad's mansion then. He invited me, and told me to feel free to invite anyone I wanted to. Figured it might be a nice way to relax after school."

"Don't remind me about school," Snoopy said. "I have that paper to do for Miss Sandy's class that I haven't even started on yet."

"Isn't that due tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I figure I'll go into school early and write it then."

"Isn't it supposed to be 4 pages?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah, but I figure I can write 4 pages in half an hour if I drink enough coffee beforehand."

"But if you write that fast, how will that be readable at all?" Matt asked.

"Eh, that's what spell check is for."

"Good luck man," Jacob said as he turned his ear to Jeremiah's message. With them being so focused on their music, they normally didn't pay much attention to that part of the service, being too busy with their own part. Still, they liked to listen while they could.

"And we must remember the words of Jesus in Matthew. 'Unless your righteousness exceeds that of the pharoses, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.' God has a high calling on our life. It's not something to just do here and then live however you want. God is love, yes, but how could we call ourselves a Christian if we are so much like the rest of the world? The name Christian means little Christ, so we should attempt to model that in all we do. Don't be like everyone else at school, living in whatever way seems right to them, but embrace the life style of Christ. It may not always be easy; it may not always make sense, but know that Christ came to give you life and life to the fullest. Maybe they seem to be having more fun now, but I promise you that the lives they live won't satisfy you, but will only leave you wanting more."

Jacob nodded; thinking about his friends who he knew should be here. Instead, they'd be drinking, smoking, or other ways of wasting their life. Life was a gift from God, what other way made sense to live?

"Now, let us close in prayer," he said and Jacob bowed his head.

"Father, I thank you for another day, and the students you've given me to lead. I pray that I may be your server, lifting them up, drawing them close to you. I pray for your guidance upon these students as they go out into their world, to many schools, many enviroments. Help them to remember your great name through all they do, because it is for you we live. I pray for your righteousness to fill them, but when they sin, as I know I do every day, that you remind them of your grace that is ever present. Amen.

Jacob opened his eyes and prepared to head out to play music once more as the students left. He thought about his own life and the sin in it. He didn't follow all the rules, no matter how much he tried. He wondered if that meant anything, if anyone would be perfect, it would be him. Growing up in the church, here nearly every day. But he knew only Christ was perfect.

With everything he'd said, done, and thought, he couldn't help but feel guilty in light of the truth he knew so well.

He watched the students leave, and wondered himself what this week would hold. "God, give me your strength to do what honors you," Jacob prayed.

…

**A/N: **Ah, a fun start to NaNoWriMo. I wrote this entire chapter in the first 40 minutes. Well, except for the songs, so they're not counted in my word count. Not my most exciting beginning, but this was needed to set up the rest of the story. A huge thanks to Wyn for betaing a exactly what I wrote…I'm impressed she didn't have to ask more questions to make sense of what I wrote.

Song Lyrics taken from:

You by Hillsong

Lord of All by me

Word count, This chapter 2282 (not counting author notes or lyrics not written this month), total so far 2282/50k


	3. Chapter 3: In the World of Man

**Chapter 3: In the World of Man**

Monday, a day that seemed so different than being in the church surrounded by all those believers. He thought about the message as he went through his classes, doing what was right. But like all the others, he just sat there, working on the assignments, taking notes from time to time, how could he do that in a Christ like way? It was just the job of being a student.

After getting through fifth period pre-calc, his brain hurting from those polar coordinates, he was ready for a class where he didn't have to think. Gym was one of his favorites, he was able to get up and move around instead of just sitting in one of those uncomfortable chairs for nearly an hour. He could let his mind wonder away, not have to be focused on whatever subject he was in.

"Hey Jacob," Matt called out causing Jacob to turn around.

"What's going on?"

"Do you remember the committee, for that big party, talking to us about our music?" Matt asked.

"Vaguely. What about it?"

"Well, they wanted us to do some older songs since not everyone likes the music we do. I was thinking we could try some of those more classical things, like Shout unto the Lord."

Jacob sighed, knowing that Matt was right, but didn't feel like having to learn and practice a whole new set of songs they'd probably only sing once or twice. Still, it was part of his responsibility, even if he'd much rather just stick to what they already knew. "All right, we'll give a try tomorrow night."

The warning bell went off, telling Jacob he had to hurry to his next class which was on the other side of the school "Sorry man, I have to go," he said as he took off walking as quickly as he could. He found it funny that gym was his next class when he was already getting a workout here. Still, it would get him warmed up nicely.

He ducked into the locker room, with a sigh of relief, just as the bell rang. He figured he could change quickly if he was late, but didn't want to get yelled at by the gym teacher.

Jacob wandered to the far side of the locker room where he always seemed to go. He threw his backpack in the locker and unzipped it to get out his gym clothes. He noticed Samson at the other end of the row walking around without a shirt showing his ripped chest and arms.

He stared for a second longer than he probably should have, and then looked down, away from them. He thought about the lesson from last night, the fact that he should remain righteous, that was what Christ wanted. Not staring at another guy. But he couldn't help but notice, and when those sights hit his eyes, he couldn't help but have his mind wander to thoughts he knew a Christian boy shouldn't have.

"God, help me," he whispered as he slipped his jeans off and put on his shorts. He heard Samson talking to one of his friends, but tried not to dwell on that. He'd just change his clothes so he could get out of here. He took his shirt off and tossed it in the locker. However, before he could put his gym t-shirt on, he felt a bare arm around his shoulder and turned to see Samson next to him. "I thought you were going to be late today."

"Yeah, got distracted talking to some friends."

"Glad to see you're here, I wanted some challenge in basketball."

"Sounds like fun," Jacob said, brushing Samson's arm off him and finished getting dressed. "We better hurry and get out there."

"All right, let's go," Samson said throwing his shirt on and the two of them left the locker room, being a couple of the last in there.

…

After the warm up stretches and the laps around the gym, the class broke up into teams for basketball. One game was for those who just took gym because they had to, not caring about getting or staying in shape, while the other game was for the more athletic students. Jacob was on one team while Samson on the other, the two of them were two of the best in the class so they constantly clashed. Samson was several inches taller, making it hard for Jacob to shoot over him, or even get close enough to get a good shot off. However, Jacob made sure Samson couldn't make any progress either, using his speed to force Samson off balance, and constantly swatting at the ball made it difficult for Samson to move it down court.

"You're pretty good, you know that?" Samson said.

"I do what I can," Jacob said after finally scoring his first basket of the game, giving his team a 12-8 lead. The two of them ran down court while the guard brought the ball back down. Samson stood near the basket, moving about it to try to shake Jacob off his tail. Spinning and running close to the ball, Samson managed to get away and got the ball. Jacob ran at him, hoping he could get to him in time. But Samson's knowledge of the game showed him he had the chance he needed. He jumped toward the basket to shoot, and Jacob jumped up to try to stop him. The two collided, Samson's superior size and momentum enough to knock Jacob on his back, hitting his head hard on the ground.

Dizziness overcame him, the lights blending together along with the various sounds. "You okay man?" Samson asked holding out a hand. Jacob reached out to take it, but seeing three hands in front of him moving up and down made it hard to actually find it. Samson grabbed Jacob's hand and pulled him back up, but Jacob had trouble staying standing, nearly falling down once Samson let go.

"You want to sub out for a bit," one of Jacob's teammates asked seeing how unsteady Jacob seemed. This seemed like a good idea, so Jacob made his way to the back of the gym while Benjamin ran in to take his place.

Jacob sat on the bleaches holding his head, hoping that this pain would go away soon for him. He'd hit his head before, but it normally didn't bother him from long. He held his hand up to where the most pain was, feeling the hair there for blood. He could tell it was wet, but when he pulled his hand away to look at it, he just saw water to his relief.

"You fell pretty hard there, you okay?"

Jacob turned and saw Darris sitting a couple rows up from him. Darris was one of the stars of the school's basketball team, nearly always the high scorer on it, but had a habit of playing too aggressive costing his team more than once.

"Yeah, I should be. Just need to rest for a bit. What about you, I'm surprised you aren't down there."

"Twisted my ankle over the weekend hiking."

"Oh wow, are you okay?"

"Yeah, just don't want to mess with it more. Are you going to try out this year, just from seeing you out there, I'm sure you could make it."

"I doubt I could keep up with you guys."

"You never know," Derris said leaning back, "It's amazing what enough practice will do. "

"I'll think about it."

"Competition starts next Tuesday. Oh, and the score is now 18-16, their lead. You might want to head back in there."

"All right, thanks."

Jacob got back up, making sure he didn't feel dizzy before heading back to the court. His vision was better and he didn't seem to be off balance, but his head still hurt a bit. He figured getting back into the game would help "Anyone want a break?" One of his teammates nodded as Jacob took his place.

However, after a couple of possessions without score, the couch blew his whistle indicating the end of the games. "Nice work everyone. Now go get changed and get to your next class. But remember that the shower faucets are for bathing, not gymnastics. I don't want to have to call maintenance again."

Jacob shook his head, thinking about some of the bad ideas his classmates seemed to have. What started as a test of strength ended up with someone getting sprayed with gallons of water every second and then soon hallways were flooded. He had to admit it was funny though being a safe distance away.

As he got back to the locker room he thought about his next class, running the list of assignments through his head to make sure he had everything. It was business law, which was by far his easiest. Show up, pay attention, take down a couple notes, and he got an easy A. Even so, he didn't want to forget something important that would put him behind.

As he unlocked his locker, he heard Samson and Darris arguing about something. Since Samson joined the basketball team last year, Jacob seemed to notice them hanging out a lot, but their passionate personalities clashed from time to time.

Jacob thought about Darris' offer. He didn't know if he'd have the time for all those practices, but he enjoyed playing sports, especially basketball. It might be good to branch out from just his music too, and get better at a sport he enjoyed so much. Besides, even if he didn't make the team it would still be fun.

"I don't know; it seems kind of wrong for the team captain to sit out like all those lazy chicks," Samson said walking by Jacob wearing only his gym shorts.

"You know I can beat you 1 on 1 any day, right?"

"What about today?" Samson said.

"You know what I mean. Just look out when my ankle gets better."

He also thought about the fact he'd be able to spend more time with Samson if he joined the team. He couldn't help but watch as Samson dropped his shorts to the ground revealing nearly all of his body. Jacob's eyes stared looking at Samson's chest, and began moving lower. He yanked is vision back in front of him to his own locker, trying to purge those thoughts. As his imagination took hold, he thought about other benefits to joining the team.

He pushed that aside as he changed his clothes as quickly as he could and got out of the locker room, waiting to exit into the hall until the bell rang officially dismissing the class. He wondered why his mind always went to these places. It wasn't right, but what could he do?

As he waited to go and indulge himself in those distracting laws and rules, he heard Samson from behind him. "I saw you talking to Darris earlier. He wants you to join the team?"

"Yeah."

"Well…"

"Not sure."

"You should. You're a good player. And don't worry, we'll go easy on you the first couple practices."

"I'll think about it, I'm kind of busy as it is so I don't want to commit to too much."

"Oh yeah, you're one of those honors students who spend hours on homework each night."

"It's rarely more than an hour. But I'm also busy at my church."

"Oh yeah, you and that Matt guy are into music or something, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Well, think about it. And don't mind Darris' arrogance, he's a bit of a pain thinking he's better than everyone else at the game, but he's a nice guy."

Jacob thought about the fact that Darris really seemed to be the best, but pushed that thought to the side. He'd at least have to consider the idea.

…

Chap 3: 1984

Total: 4266/50k

**A/N: **This story is turning out to be an interesting one. While I know a few of the key events for the main plot, things are starting to pop up that surprise me. Unlike writing a big fantasy, these surprises are more subtle. But I hope they'll take the story where it needs to go.


	4. Chapter 4: In The Home Part 1

**Chapter 4: In the Home**

As Jacob got off the bus ready to go home for the day, his mind kept running through everything he had to do. Read a chapter from his history text book about world war 2, write a short essay on the importance of poetic prose without larger works of fiction, do every third math problem starting with 2, but skipping all the perfect squares for the last section in math. As he entered the house, he thought that was everything, but didn't want to have to pull out his planner to make sure.

"Hey Dad," he called as he entered, hearing his dog come to greet him, a basset hound named Bunnie. "Hey girl, he said petting her before she wondered off finding something else to bark at. "Goofy dog."

Jacob tossed his backpack on the couch, sitting down for a moment just allowing his eyes to rest. He still felt a bit dizzy from falling in the gym, playing basketball, and he now noticed his head hurting.

"How was your day Jacob?" his dad asked coming out from their office.

"Pretty good, though I hit my head pretty hard in gym," he said rubbing the back of it.

"Did you talk to the nurse?"

"No, it wasn't bugging me too bad until I got home."

"Well, you don't want to let it go unexamined if there is a problem," he said running a hand through his graying hair. "If it's not better by morning we'll take you to the doctors."

Jacob nodded, not really wanting to have to see the doctor, but he also didn't want whatever injury it was to mess with him later on. Though he figured what the doctor would say, get plenty of rest, drink plenty of water, no hang gliding off roofs just because Mark thinks it's a good idea. Actually…just never listen to Mark's ideas; that's the best advice.

"How was your day in the office?"

"As good as could be expected. Went over the numbers of the offering, they were down again."

"This time of year, isn't it usually up?"

"Not as many people are coming to church, so I guess that's less people to write the checks. Still, we're going to have to make some tough choices if things don't change soon."

"Well, I'm sure they will. We've had bad times before, and God always comes through."

"Jim, what do you want for dinner? We have those burgers that we got last week, and the chicken you picked up today," Jacob's mom asked from the kitchen.

"Burgers sound good to me," Jacob answered.

"Hamburgers it is then Ruth," Jim said.

"You're right son, God does come through. I sometimes just wish I know how he plans to in advance. I guess that's why the Bible always tells us to have faith."

"Without faith it is impossible to please God."

"That it is." With that, Jim got back up from the couch and headed for the basement. "I want to go over these numbers again, see if there is anything we can do without having to cut things. I'd hate to have to ask the congregation to give more when I know they're having trouble as it is."

"I know, Luke's dad is still out of work," Jacob said thinking about his friend, "He was telling me that's going to make it hard for him to be able to get into a good university if they have to use the money they put aside."

How many people were suffering right now?

Jacob thought about the many family and friends he'd heard from, wondering when things would get better. The life he lived wasn't a hard one; that was for sure. He had everything he needed, a nice house, electivity, a warm bed for the winter's and a strong air conditioner that could keep up even with the hot South Carolina summers. He even had the luxuries of a smart phone, which he knew was a more powerful computer than anything they could have bought a few years ago. Sometimes he wondered why he was so lucky. Though more often than not, he complained with things didn't work right, his phone loses service, the power goes out for a couple hours because of a storm. But really, what did those things matter? He thought about the church, that it was quite possible they'd have to lay people off if more money didn't start coming in. He wondered who it would be, the secretary's, the team that cleaned the church every week, or maybe the ministries that relied on them for the money to serve the needy. God called the church to serve, but in a world where money is needed for everything, what could they do without it?

Jacob looked over to his backpack, and thought about the homework that called his name. He figured he might as well get started on it so grabbed it and went to his room upstairs.

…

Jacob went through the pages of his math book, trying to find the exact section he needed to do. He grabbed his pencils and paper and turned the TV on for something to help him focus. He wasn't quite sure how trying to watch something really helped him, but it seemed to make the time go by quicker. "Now if I take the arc tangent of the bisection…" he said to himself trying to figure out exactly what the diagram was trying to get him to solve. Sometimes he hated math, but figured he might as well learn it now so he'd understand it if he saw it again.

After getting stuck for a bit on the one problem, he turned his laptop on deciding to Google some of the terms so he'd be able to figure out where he was. It might be possible to just go through the book, but Wikipedia seemed to hold most of the answers he'd need. After Googling his question, he opened another tab and opened up Facebook, knowing it wouldn't take much time to check if anything exciting happened through the day. After tabbing back to Google, he found the formulas he needed and made a note at them at the top of the page before going back through the problems, now seeing why his answer of the earth and the sun being 93 miles apart didn't make sense.

However, as he went through the rest of his homework, nearly forgetting about his computer, it popped, telling him he had a message on Facebook. He brought that back up and saw a message from Matt.

'Did you hear?'

'About?'

'Check your email.'

Wondering what was going on, Jacob brought up Gmail and saw among the usual assortment of junk emails, chain letters, and unimportant notifications from school, was an email from their youth pastor. That was strange; he normally didn't email them, unless it was really important. He opened it and saw the text.

'The official church position was to keep this information under wraps until this weekend, however, the fact that as the band for youth group, you are more well known in the community and are likely to be asked questions when the rumors start spreading. So it was decided you needed to be aware ahead of time. Pastor Green struck a young man with his car today, on his way to work. As such, Pastor Green was taking in for questioning and the victim was taken to the hospital where he's currently in serious condition. As of now, further information surrounding the event has not been disclosed. Pastor Green has not been charged criminally in the matter. Should anyone ask you, we'd ask that you show concern for this young man and ask for your prayers. This is a hard time for the church family, but through it all, let the glory go to God alone.'

…

Word Count: 1324

Total as of Writing: 5590

Total as of Publishing: 12k

This story is going to be taking some interesting turns.


	5. Chapter 5: In The Home Part 2

**Chapter 5: In the Home part 2**

He didn't know how to feel, what to think. How could pastor green, the vary embodiment of goodness and love do something like that? Was it even his fault, maybe the kid just jumped out in front of him? Yeah…that had to be it.

But what if it wasn't?

What would it mean for him?

The church?

And even if it was only an accident, there could still be criminal charges from that. And who was that kid? He was described as a young man, but how young? A teen, someone in his twenties? He couldn't know. Maybe it was even someone that he knew. But he didn't know. And why let them know anyway, it's not like all that many people knew what church he went to. Still, this was bound to grab the media attention.

He thought about his dad…Did he know? Is that the real reason he seemed so worried? Jacob normally took what his dad said at face value, after all God hated a deceptive tongue, but there were times when people can't tell the whole truth, keep secrets for a time.

But from his own family?

Then again…the instability that a few truths can cause is sometimes just too much.

"Jacob, dinner's ready!" he heard is mom call followed by Bunnie racing up the stairs barking. The dag jumped into his room, and looked at him. She barked, turned around a few times, and then started heading back down stairs barking a few more times.

"I hear you, I'm coming."

Jacob followed the dogs downstairs who seemed to stop on every other step to make sure he was still coming. He knew the real reason though, Bunnie wanted some table scraps, and they never started eating until everyone was there.

Jacob came into the dining room, after going through the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge as he went. He then saw something on the TV in the living room about how secret service agents were able to somehow turn around a car going from reverse at 40 miles an hour to forward in only a second. "Cool."

"Come over to the table son," Ruth said.

"Oh, okay, sorry."

The family ate in silence for a few minutes, Jacob wondering if he should bring up what he heard. If his dad didn't tell him, he probably shouldn't, he'd just let it come up later.

"Jim, were you able to figure out anything."

"Whatever it is, this is going to be hard on us." Did that mean something else, something in code?

"I'm sure God will provide a way," Jacob added, wondering.

"I think so too," Ruth said.

"Unfortunately, we don't have long to wait. Some things have to happen now," Jim said. Jacob noticed his dad seemed more frustrated than normal, even than when he was busy working. "We have a meeting tonight among the deacons and elders to discuss this. Hopefully we'll discover something then.

Jacob had seen the church have problems before, a pastor leaves, one of the elders disagrees with the direction of the music, or even the time when someone stole the weeks offering. All these hurt, but the church faced them, however, were there other times, when the differences had been subtler, when the discussions were in secret? Did God frown upon those? Were there times when the members didn't need to know, when sometimes not even the staff needed to know what was going on? He'd heard the stories, of Churches dividing among politics. He thought about that Presbyterian Church in the news, the one that had split 47 times in the 90 years it had been around. Where was the love in that? Where was Christ's oneness through such a fragmented body?

"You think it will be another late night?" Ruth asked.

"We don't know. Wouldn't surprise me any."

"I'll probably have to go into work by the time you get back then," she said.

"You're working another 9PM to 9AM shift Mom?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah, Gills called off so they needed me to come in. I looked forward to be able to get some rest, but it will be nice to have the extra money."

Jacob nodded as he took a bite of his food. He'd wondered exactly how much longer this would be going on. His mom worked as a part time nurse, a couple shifts a week, but lately it seemed like more and more she was asked to work extra, sometimes even more than the full time workers. He thought about asking her to look into that guy that Pastor Green hit, since he'd probably be at the hospital. But if she didn't know, then it would be best to not bring it up. Or if she did, he wasn't supposed to yet. Still, he wanted to know, figure out what happened beyond vague descriptions in the email.

"You should probably get some rest before then" Jim said, "Don't want you going in there too tired to do any good."

"I will, I just have some cleaning to do after I get dinner cleared up."

"I can help with that," Jacob said.

"That would be great, thanks dear."

After finishing dinner, Jacob got up and began rinsing the dishes off and loading them into the dishwasher. He really wondered why he had to rinse everything 'til it was nearly clean, when the dishwasher was supposed to clean it. But that's the way life was, not everything has to make perfect sense. You just learn to deal with it, through all the nuances and inconveniencies it cause. But it wasn't all bad, he was able to just shut his mind off and clean, thinking about what he'd heard. With the dishes done, he noticed the vacuum sitting in the living room, obviously the next place his mom planned to clean.

Throwing his body into finishing up cleaning, he hoped that his mom would be able to get the rest she needed to work. He admired the work she did, willing to help those who were sick and hurting. Jacob admitted, seeing all that pain and suffering would bother him, those in so much pain he wouldn't be able to help, or see those too far gone to be able to save. Yet his mom did it so often, never seeming to let it affect her. He wanted to find a job where he could help the world, but he knew that in some places, he just couldn't do it.

As he passed the TV, he turned it on, giving him something to watch as he vacuumed. He saw the news was going on about the start of the basketball season. He thought about Darris' offer to join the team. He imagined himself being like all those players. He wasn't as good as them, not even close. But maybe with enough practice and hard work…

Was this really something he wanted? Granted he wasn't signing up for a lot, only a few months of being on the team, and then he could be done with it. But still, that could be quite a while. He thought about the church band, he'd probably have time for both. Sports practices normally ended early evening and he could then go from those to band practices. He'd be busy, but it might be worth it.

After finishing his cleaning he went up stairs, and felt tired despite it still being so early. He decided to take a nap for an hour or so, then he could go back to finishing his homework, thinking that was a better option than trying to do it while falling asleep and wondering what creative calculations he'd make.

…

As he slept he dreamt of a world so much like his, but he could tell something was strange. Across the land, hundreds were shouting, demanding. A tower was being built that seemed to pierce the sky above. The people gathered round, cheering on as each brick was lain.

"Where does it go?" he asked.

"To the heavens above," the voice cried out. The tower of man grew taller; the people climbed it, laying brick after brick, stair after stair. He joined the many people, seeing the foundation it was built upon begin to shake, a crack in a tower of glass. But the people paid it no mind, building as they went, farther from the land they were born and the land of their fathers. The people lived in the tower, ignoring the small cracks forming as they built it higher. They relished in their dreams, high above the world and all its rules. This was their tower, their life, their creation.

Jacob climbed to the top of it, and saw the distant world below. He felt a strong hand on his shoulder, but didn't look at the face, only what he and the others had built.

…

He startled awake, his heart beating, the tower in the dream no more than a faint memory. He held his head, it feeling a bit sore from earlier, and waking up so fast. "What was it?" he asked, the dream feeling so real, though he saw it wasn't reality.

He looked at his clock, seeing it was already 11pm. "Crap." He didn't set an alarm before lying down, not thinking he'd sleep for that long, but time had a way of getting away from him when he was sleeping. He jumped up from bed and over to his computer to get started on his homework. He knew there was no way he was going to sleep tonight, but hoped with that nap he'd still be rested enough come morning. He checked over his math homework, grateful that he'd finished that beforehand. He opened up his laptop and turned word on, grabbing his English book to find exactly what he needed to do for that class. "Poetry, prose, boring things no one cares about. I mean, who cares about writing things poetic, just come out and say what you mean to say, not layer it with symbolism." Jacob then felt a stinging sensation in his head as if he'd just been slapped in the back of the head by an unseen force.

"Ow."

If one was wise, they'd learn the danger of writing things late at night, but as every other writer tends to do, Jacob waited too late to get it done so rushed at the last moment. He decided to go down stairs to get a pop, figuring that it would be good to have the sugar and caffeine to help speed up his writing. He thought about his friend who decided to try writing a four-page paper in half an hour, thinking he was becoming like that, but this was only one page, and he'd make sure he had time to ensure it had a minimum of typos.

He exited his room, and began going downstairs, trying to be quite sure that his dad was sleeping. All the lights were off, so he figured he must have gone to bed. However, as he tip toed into the kitchen, he heard his dad's voice.

"Do you really think that's needed?"

Jacob could tell he was on the phone, and knew it was rude to eavesdrop.

"There surely has to be another way. I mean to just turn our back on him like that?"

Jacob's curiosity made him inch closer. The door was closed so Jacob crept up to it, listening for his dad to hang up, or for footsteps coming to tell him to get away. Something told him this was wrong, but Jacob felt he had a right to know what was going on, especially if his guess was right and it was about the church.

"I understand what you are saying, we can't promote sinful action. But are you sure this is what Christ would want?"

Jacob felt his heart sink, the questions far too painful to be able to just brush away and ignore them.

"Let's bring this to a vote of the elders. I understand our timing is important here, but this is not the time to rush too into it."

What was going on…

"All right, pray about it, we'll discuss it with the rest of the staff in the morning."

Hearing his dad hang up the phone, Jacob ran from the door as quickly as he could without making any noise. He went over to the fridge, acting like he was taking his time looking for something even though he saw the pop on the top shelf. He kept glancing over his shoulder, wondering if his dad would come out of his room, and see him there. But after about a minute, with no sign of him, he grabbed his drink and went back upstairs to get back to homework. Seeing the clock, that it was nearly 11:30 made him really not want to do homework. Though taking a drink of pop, he got to work, typing as fast as he could figuring that he might as well get it over with.

'And as we see from Michel's Twilight Chronicles, the differences between simple poetry and prose aren't so clear. While he doesn't stick to a specific form of poetry he uses rhythm and a deep level of symbolism. His tale of the sixth night blends both hope and hopelessness through his using of light and night, its likely no coincidence these words are only a letter apart but look at the far end of the spectrum. Furthermore, the fifth night looks at the power of lies to comfort and the power of truth to destroy, contrasting to the way the world is normally seen. Michael's shattering of the hero we were told to root for seems to speak of a greater truth and the frailty of every hero. Perhaps through his satirical journey of hope, he meant to spark pain and doubt, but more than that, in a world of no hope, it's as if he's pointing to a different kind of hope.'

With that barely reaching over a page, and a decent enough place to end it, Jacob leaned back in his chair, determining that project done. With his homework done, and it well past midnight, he decided that while he should go to bed, now was a good time for Facebook. Bringing that up, he scanned through several unimportant updates, however, one caught his eye.

'_Damn police sirens, don't they know it's midnight here'_ his classmate Colin posted.

'_What happened?' _Jacob commented.

'_According to the police scanner, some case of domestic violence. The police took two individuals into custody,'_ their mutual friend Andrew posted. Andrew always seemed to be a stickler for the rules and got overly excited whenever lights and sirens were involved.

'_Thanks rent-a-cop,'_ Colin posted right before Jacob closed his laptop

Figuring that the mystery had been solved enough for now, Jacob decided it was time for bed. He tosses his empty can of pop into the trash, hoping that the sugar wouldn't keep him awake. After changing into his pajamas, he climbed into bed. He prayed, thinking of everything that had happened today, wondering just what exactly it was. Even so, he always knew God knew, and was in control, even when the world seemed dangerously close to spinning out of control.

Word count: 2569

Total: 8159


	6. Chapter 6: With Friends

**Chapter 6: With Friends**

After the struggle of staying awake through his first class, Jacob went out into the hallways of the school, his mind taking a minute to remember where he was supposed to go. Was it math, or science…or maybe…

"Ah, downstairs and to the right," he said, feeling kind of dumb for being so out of it, but between that nap and having trouble sleeping the night before, especially after that dream of riding a tiger through Antarctica while being chased by a penguin shooting fireworks at him.

He wondered if there was any meaning behind it or just brought on by an over active imagination on caffeine. Still, he pushed it aside and made his way to the staircase surrounded by the hundreds of people that all seemed to have the same place to go at the same time. After making it downstairs taking way longer than such a short path could take, he started walking toward his class, when he heard his name called. It wasn't that loud, which was normally needed to get his attention, but as he turned around trying to place it, he saw Samson leaning against a few of the lockers, looking down.

That didn't seem like him. Normally Samson was out going, always in a good mood, or at least when he was even more vocal than normal.

But this was different; if he didn't know better, he'd even say Samson was afraid, the way he was hesitating. But that couldn't be it, could it. And if it was, afraid of what?

"Hey Samson," Jacob said, a little bit nervous.

"Are you okay?" Samson asked looking down.

"What do you mean?" Jacob asked.

"From, yesterday, you know, during the game." Samson placed his hand behind his head, backing away a bit sheepish.

"Oh, that. Eh, my head hurts a little bit, but nothing bad. I took some aspirin before I came to school, so that's dulled it quite a bit."

"That's good. I'm sorry about that. I just got a bit into the game."

"It's no big deal. I mean, I'm the one who was running at you trying to stop the shot."

"So we're cool then?"

"Of course."

Samson breathed a sign of relief. "Thanks." Jacob wasn't really sure what the big deal was. People got hurt all the time in sports, and his injury wasn't even a serious one. Just one that bothered him for a while, but he'd done worse, and probably caused worse to happen to other people.

Jacob turned to go to his next class, but was stopped by Samson grabbing his arm. "What happened here?" Jacob followed Samson's gaze and noticed a big black and blue bruise blanketing the back of his bicep. He hadn't noticed it before, too worried about his head, and thinking about all the other crazy stuff going on at home and with the church. But still, the pressure he was putting on it was causing a bit of pain.

"Wow, I didn't even notice that."

Jacob pulled away from Sampson, placing a couple fingers on it, figuring it would go away soon, but still surprised he hadn't noticed it. He wondered if that was from the same accident, but it could have been any number of other things, even from rolling around in his sleep and hitting something, and not noticing.

"Man, I'm sorry."

"I told you not to worry about it, Samson," Jacob said with a shrug of his shoulders. We better get going to class.

"All right, see you later."

…

After a couple more classes, Jacob made his way over to lunch, the mid-morning tiredness/hunger taking its toll on him. After getting his tray filled with something that he determined was most definitely meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, or mashed potatoes…probably, at least. He scanned the cafeteria seeing if any of his friends were still around. Most of his friends had lunch later on in the afternoon, but a lot of times he'd see a few of them here early. He went to the side of the cafeteria and saw Eli waving to him. He didn't talk to Eli that much, though they had a lot of friends in common.

"Hey Eli, how's it going?"

"Things are getting crazy around here," Eli said wiping a piece of food off his purple dress shirt. Jacob found it strange how much Eli dressed up; it wasn't uncommon for him to be more dressed up than the teachers.

"With your classes?"

"No, those are as mundane as ever. But did you see the news last night?"

"No, had too much else going on." That and Jacob never really watched the news. He figured if it was important enough, he'd hear about it from someone else.

"Well, there was a story about a guy being hit by a car who went to the University of Charleston."

Was that the guy the email was talking about?

Eli looked at Jacob and sighed. "Rumor has it that it was the pastor of your church who was driving the car."

"Yeah, I heard about it. It's sad but we're keeping that young man in our prayers." Jacob wondered how Eli knew about it. Eli went to the First Congregational Church, which was in the southern edge of the city, and while there were some connections between the various churches, he doubted they'd share that kind of information.

"I think it was a good thing he was hit," Eli said calmly which caused Jacob to choke on his food a bit. A good thing? How?

"What do you mean?"

"Well, that guy wasn't just some random student. His name was Travis; he was the leader of the university's LGBT organization, a proponent of free choice and abandoning the social norms that our country has been founded upon. He was stumbling home drunk around about 6:30 in the morning. Turns out he walked right in the middle of the road because he was too drunk to see where he was going."

"Oh wow."

"Yeah, it's sad that it happened, but maybe it will wake him up to the sin he was living in."

"So you think God planned it?"

"God is in charge of everything. Nothing happens outside His divine will," Eli said.

"I know, but still…"

Jacob had heard the theology. All the arguments for God's divine will. He was all powerful, all knowing, in control of everything. There were times where he wondered how that could exist along with a God all loving with a world so evil.

Evil lived, no one could deny that.

"Travis isn't in good condition now, but if he gets better, then maybe this will show him the evil of his ways."

As much as he hated seeing the pain, this made sense to Jacob.

"It's like Christ said, it's better for one part of the body to be cut off than for the whole body to be cast into hell."

That was true.

God was holy; God was just.

And pain could indicate that something was wrong, be about a greater good. Jacob truly believed that God worked everything together for good, even if the evil around them seemed to indicate otherwise.

"You might be right."

"I've seen it all around Jacob, and it scares me," Eli said, "So many people are living their own ways, now more than ever. They forget about God, think they don't need him, but they're only bringing judgment upon themselves. Does it worry you too?"

"Yeah," Jacob took a drink of his milk and looked around. He'd read the statistics, how a growing number of people his age were walking away from church and God. All the traditions of doing right seemed to be fading away.

"The spirit within me compels me, telling me this is all wrong. My heart is upright, trying to do what is good but it's so hard here."

Jacob nodded as his friend spoke.

"Don't you see Jacob, God is greater than any mortal and their reasoning of what's right and what's wrong. They just don't see it. God whispers on the hearts of many, in many different ways, but no one perceives it, they just go on with their ways."

How true that was, how much Jacob saw this pride himself, wanting to live his own way, figure out what he thought was best, even if those were the times he found his life got the worst.

"So God goes to drastic measure to turn them from their wrong doing, breaking their pride. He doesn't want them to go to hell. Travis is filled with distress, but just imagine what can happen if he repents, if he turns to God. And that's the thing that's so great about God, he constantly goes after people, to turn them away even if they run from him twice, or even three times."

God's mercy truly was incredible, and this encouraged Jacob, made him smile. Even the worst of sinners could repent and find salvation through a sincere faith.

"God can't do evil, the Almighty can't do wrong. He brings justice for what their conduct deserves, and he punishes the evil for their wickedness because they turned from following him and didn't regard him at all. You know what I heard?"

"What?"

"That Travis was the leader of his high schools' Bible study club? If he had continued serving God, imagine the life he could have had. Now he could very easily die so young, among the man whores of downtown."

As Jacob was pondering all that had been said, the bell rang telling him he had to get to his next class. "Sorry, I wish I could talk more, but I have to go," Eli said.

Jacob just sat there thinking; knowing that his next class was close enough it wouldn't take long to get back. What Eli said seemed so true, about God's love and justice. But was that the way God worked? Hitting someone with a car to warn them? It seemed so harsh. But compared to an eternity in hell, would that be worth it?

Logic told him it might make sense, but to see suffering like that, and to see God behind it. God had flooded the world before; he had condemned his chosen nation for their sin. He'd wiped out Sodom and Gomorra for their wickedness. Even with all humanity having learned about the sciences and the ways the world worked, there was still so much mystery, so much uncertainty. If this was God's handiwork, then how much more worthy was God to judge than he was?

He didn't know.

He wanted to believe in his own logic and reason.

He wanted to think he could figure it out.

He wanted to know all the answers, to be able to defend his opinions so that everyone would know he was right.

But how could he know so well?

As Eli disappeared down the hallway, Jacob prayed for wisdom as he tried figuring this out. Despite all he wanted to do, he couldn't know everything that was going on. He prayed for Travis, for both physical and spiritual healing. He thought about Eli's words, how some pain like that could lead to a greater ending.

A journey to faith was rarely easy or pleasant. Jacob knew he was lucky, he'd grown up surrounded by the truth, where it seemed second nature to him. But he knew of many who hadn't. The ones who ran away, going across the country searching for a love that wasn't real to fill the void that only God could. They only found God through the midst of tragedy, but since then had a faith that seemed unshakeable. He wondered if his faith was like that, if it were truly tested by pain, would it endure. He'd like to say he would believe even if it killed him, but sometimes he wondered how deep his belief truly went. Among his friends, believing in God was the thing to do, but what if it wasn't?

What would he become if his church home drifted away?

If the world came closer to him?

If he had to choose.

God or the world.

Which one would he truly love?

…

Word count: 2046

Total (as of writing) 10205 so over 10k Yay!

Total as of publishing: 21758

A couple conversations here as I started looking at the main conflicts in the story, which I think set things up nicely. I'm wondering if anyone picked up what inspired Eli's character. I'll give you a hint, like most characters, his name has a Biblical meaning to it.

I also want to thank Jackie (aka Wounded Hearts) for giving me inspiration for the scene with Jacob and Sampson.

Anyway, that's all for now. I plan to pick up the pace of the story soon.


	7. Chapter 7: Strength

**Chapter 7: Strength **

Jacob turned in his bed, the dreams pounding against his head. The screams, the fire, the pain, explosions all around. What was this? Where was he?

"Run while you still can!" the voice called with a boom that took his breath away. Jacob tried running, but his legs were pinned, the wooden pillar crushing his legs. He tried pushing it away, but as he touched the burning beam, it scorched his hands, forcing him to pull away. The walls fell away around him, the pain too much to bear.

"When a heart so cold burns by the fire  
The truth of the lies are so quickly forsaken  
When love and hate meet  
The sinner of the world brings judgment upon the saint."

Who said that?

He couldn't hear the voice, but the words pounded against him.

Even as he awoke, throwing the blankets off of him and he was covered in a cold sweat.

"What was that?" He looked around, and saw at it was 5 AM, a few hours before he had to get up. But he wondered if he'd be able to fall back asleep after a dream like that. He could still feel the heat, and had to look at his hands to believe that they weren't burnt.

His dreams had been getting strange lately. From the one about the tower, to the one about the tiger and penguins, and now this one. These had been so vivid, the images burned into his mind. But what did they mean?

He turned in his bed, shutting his eyes tightly, to drown out the many thoughts going on in his head. He started thinking about the day ahead, what he had to do, what he had to worry about, It didn't seem to matter that it was so early, his brain wouldn't let him rest. He then started thinking about what he'd heard the night before, the hushed conversation his father had, about topics that Jacob had to extrapolate. There were secrets, and his curiosity wanted to uncover them. Mysteries needed answered, and Jacob's mind found such early hours to best time to ponder all that he'd heard.

Combining them with the words of Eli made him wonder. Was it such a bad thing that it happened? God worked everything together for good, but did that mean the pain was actually a good thing? Or was it simply evil that would somehow lead to good? Was some good better than others and some evil worse than other evil?

He tried burying his head in the blankets, trying to forget about all these questions, but the quest for answers never slept. He tried imagining himself somewhere else, in a day and time so far away from these questions or pain. He imagined himself with friends, laughing away over words he didn't care to think up. Talking with them, dreaming with them. He let his mind be pulled away into the dream where he once more found himself in sleep.

…

Jacob went through his day, well rested, but still thinking about all he had imagined the night before. With classes to occupy his mind, he threw himself into it, away from the questions that he didn't have the answers too. He wondered into the locker room to change for his gym class and the thoughts found their way back to him. Of Eli's words, the judgment God would bring on the unrighteous. He saw Sampson standing before him, in only his underwear and his mind started going places he shouldn't again.

Was it wrong to think the way he was?

Maybe.

But he didn't want to look away. He just stared as he put his backpack away, ingraining that image in his mind. Sampson stood the other way facing some others, talking to them, but Jacob didn't hear or see them, his thoughts only on that body, the muscles, the strength. Sampson, put on his gym shorts, and turned around, Jacob's and his eyes locking for a second. Jacob turned away, hoping that Sampson didn't notice him, didn't see.

It wasn't long.

It couldn't mean anything.

Sampson didn't know about his attraction.

No one did.

He'd never guess.

Jacob looked down, breathing heavily. He didn't want to raise suspicion, just say that he was tired after that math test or something. Even though he had a substitute in math today, so class was really boring, but no one had to know that.

That simple lie would be easier than the truth.

He looked down at his watch, saw he'd wasted too much time, and quickly got dressed. He saw Sampson walking behind him out of the corner of his eye as he put his clothes away. And despite the fact that Sampson was fully clothed, the image he had of the man from before still penetrated his vision.

He shook his head, trying to keep the vision out of his mind, but he left the locker room still dwelling on it.

…

Once Jacob made it over to the weight room, wondering how he'd spend his time working out today. He wasn't really into seeing how much he could lift, so normally focused toward some of the machines, just doing a dozen or so reps and then moving on. However, as he went to talk over to them, Samson called out to him. "You want to be my spotter for the weights?"

"Um, sure," Jacob said with a shrug of his shoulders walking over to that end of the weight room. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to lift much, and wondered what Sampson would think of him if he seemed so weak. But he also didn't want Sampson to think he didn't want to be with him, especially after Sampson seemed so worried about that accident during the game.

Why was he thinking about this so much?

Sampson was just a friend, and not even that close of one. They'd hang out some here, maybe talk to each other a couple times throughout the week if they saw each other, but nothing more.

But as Sampson led them over to the weight racks, the thoughts from earlier came back into Jacob's head.

Why was he doing this?

Why was he letting his mind go there?

He knew it was wrong.

He turned away, blushing, shaking even trying to throw a thousand other images through his mind to make him forget. He tried to pretend he was somewhere else, in front of the ocean, the sounds and sights a thousand miles away from this place.

"Jacob?"

"Huh?" he asked, barely hearing his own name.

"Did you want to go first, or want me to?"

"Oh, you can, I'll help you get it set up though," Jacob said trying to focus again. This was just getting some exercise, nothing more. He didn't think Sampson was attractive or anything.

Well, maybe he did, but that didn't matter.

He'd just push those thoughts aside.

"Let's start with 50 pounds on each side," Sampson said moving the bar over to the bench.

"All right." Between that and the bar itself that was over 120 pounds, something Jacob wasn't sure he'd be able to lift. He grabbed one of the fifty pound weights, struggling to get a good grip on that. Remember what he'd been taught, to lift with his legs, he got it into a position where he could carry it over. Though he was so slow Sampson already had his side ready before Jacob even got over there. He then lifted it up, sliding the bar into the hole and then tightening it so it wouldn't fall off.

"Ready?"

Jacob nodded and stood over Sampson as he pulled the bar down. Sometimes he wondered why they always needed a spotter, but after hearing horror stories of someone pushing themselves too hard, and hurting or even killing themselves, Jacob decided that this wasn't such a waste of time.

He counted off the reps, his hands close to the bar if Sampson needed him, but after the tenth rep, he placed the bar back on its stand and then got up hardly breaking a sweat. "You want to start off with something else?"

"No, I'll give it a try," Jacob said swallowing, not sure if he could, but not wanting to seem weak. He wasn't sure why he kept worrying about how Sampson saw him. So what if he wasn't the strongest, he knew that. He wasn't one of those buff guys that could bench press a house, and while that might be cool, he didn't need to be that strong.

He took a few breaths and lay on the bench. He could do this. It wasn't that much.

He went to wrap his hands around the bar, feeling the sweat on his hands telling him this could be hard. He wiped his hands off on his t-shirt, trying to get a better grip on it this time.

"Ready?" Sampson asked.

"Yeah," Jacob said with a nod as he lifted the bar up. The force of gravity brought it down quicker than he was ready for but he steadied his arms to bring it down slowly. Holding it just above his chest, he brought it back up; unable to move it quickly, but just let each inch go as it would. "One." Only nine more to go…

He brought it back down and up four more times before his arms began shaking with each step. He wasn't sure if he could do 10. He slowly pushed it back up for rep number six. He held it there for a couple seconds before bringing it back down, looking up at Sampson telling him he might need help. Still, he pushed himself for rep 7, but as he brought it back down, he rested it on his chest, trying to push it back up, but couldn't budge it more than an inch. "Help," he said weakly, and with that, Sampson's strong hands were wrapped around the bar pulling it back up to the stand.

Jacob laid there for a minute just catching his breath. His arms felt like they were tangled up in a knot as he got up from the bench. "Thanks."

"Not a problem. Don't push yourself too hard, it's not a big deal to switch the weights out of they're too much for you."

"I guess you're right. I just wanted to see how much I could do."

"Well, now you have a goal to reach for next time. I didn't get to be this fine masculine specimen over night," he said while flexing causing Jacob to chuckle.

"What fine masculine specimen?" Darris asked walking over to the weights.

"You know you're just jealous of me. I mean, who isn't. Brains, brawn, irresistible charm, I don't blame you," Sampson said.

"So if you're so irresistible, why am I the one with a girlfriend now? And why are my grades always higher than yours?" Darris asked.

"Details, details."

"Oh, only 100 pounds. Mark, get me 150, I'll show him how it's done," Darris told his partner while he got the bar in place.

"Jacob, get me two 25s, I'm not about to let this arrogant kid think he's better than me." Jacob could think of about 22 different ways this could go wrong, but part of wanting to help Sampson with whatever it was he wanted to do, and part morbid curiosity called him to obey. Even though his arms were hurting, he was still able to carry the two 25 pound weights over and he and Sampson set them up.

"Let me show you how it's done. Spotter ready?"

"Yeah, go ahead," Jacob said.

At this, Sampson began lifting as quickly as he could, tossing the hundred and fifty pounds like it was a stick.

"I'll show you how it's done," Darris said. Despite taking longer to get everything set up from scratch, Darris was soon catching up to Sampson, the two of them already at least at 30 after a couple minutes.

"Tired yet over there?" Darris asked.

"Not even close. What do you think about us doing more weight?" Sampson suggested.

"Um, I'm not sure-"

"Think you can handle it?"

"Can you?"

"Get more weight," both Sampson and Darris said to their partner.

"This has got to end badly," Jacob said to Mark as they were getting the weights.

"Well, you really don't think they'd stop just by us telling them to, do you?" Mark said.

"Probably not."

"I just wish I had my phone on me so I could get a video of the results."

"Or call an ambulance when they hurt themselves," Jacob added.

After several more rounds of reps that had to be pushing their bodies to the limit, they were each pressing over 300 pounds, both of them sweating profusely. Sampson's face was turning interesting shade's of blue, and even with Darris' dark skin making the stress less evident, it was still contorting with each rep.

"How many is that for you?" Darris asked as he pushed the bar back up.

"12, you?"

"15."

"Damn."

Sampson gritted his teeth as he pushed up number 13, and then slowly brought it back down. However, as he did so, his arms gave way, the entire weight of the bar falling on his chest. He gagged from the pressure on his lungs.

Jacob was by his side in an instant, trying to lift the bar off of him, but it was too much for him. "Mark, help."

Mark nodded and the two of them together were able to lift the bar back to its proper place, while Sampson struggled to catch his breath after that. He held his hand up to his chest, gritting his teeth with his eyes closed, and a couple tears covering his face.

"Are you okay?" Jacob asked.

Sampson shook his head no.

"I'll get Coach," Mark said before running off.

…

Word Count: 2328

Total: 12533


	8. Chapter 8: When Pain Comes

**Chapter 8:** When Pain Comes

Jacob wasn't sure what to do, if there was anything he could do to help. Mark had already gone off to get the coach, so that was done, but was there anything that Jacob could do for him now? Take away the pain or something. Should he help Sampson get up, or would that cause more damage?

Derris stood beside him looking down at Sampson. "Is there anything we can do?"

"Doubt it. He's breathing, so that's a good sign."

"Should we move him?" Jacob asked.

"No, if he broke any ribs, that could jar them, making the pain even worse. It might even puncture a lung if he hadn't done so already."

Their teacher was over there in about a minute Mark telling him how this had happened. The coach began examining Sampson, lifting his shirt up to get a look at his chest. Jacob could tell from the bruising that there was a lot of damage, but beyond that didn't know what it meant. "He's going to need to go to the hospital for this," the coach said.

"Should we call the ambulance?" Derris asked.

"His life isn't in any danger, and his injuries won't get any worse, so it would be best to take him ourselves instead of having to wait." the coach said, obviously worried from this, though trying to keep as calm as possible. "Derris, you know where I keep the student records in my office, right?"

"Yeah, second drawer on the right."

The coach tossed Derris a couple keys. "Go get them, if I'm not in here when you get back meet me out by my car."  
Derris left the room as quickly as he could. Jacob looked down, trying to stay out of the way, but feeling like he should have done something to stop it. Warned Sampson, or seen how much he was struggling then stepping into help. Wasn't that the job of a spotter, the reason they used them? But even if he tried to help, could he have? With that much weight, he couldn't budge the bar himself.

Jacob looked on as a couple students brought in a medical stretcher. Following the coach's orders, they moved Sampson onto it before racing him out of the room. With them gone, everything seemed quiet, the silence of shock overwhelming the class. Jacob sat down on the bench where Sampson was just a few minutes ago, holding his head in his hands, and shaking his it, seeing how wrong this was. It happened so fast, but he could tell from the expression on Sampson's face the pain he was in. It wouldn't go away anytime soon either.

"He'll be okay," Mark said, someone Jacob didn't notice was so close to him.

"How do you know?"

"It's Sampson, he's not one to let something like this slow him down." Mark seemed so certain, so sure, but Jacob wasn't. He tried imagining the pain Sampson was in, but couldn't, just the mere thought of it too much for him. He'd been hurt before, but nothing that bad.

With class time nearly over, the class went back to the locker rooms to change, the questions about exactly what happened all around them. Jacob was thankful that Mark was the one who seemed to be answering them all, letting him just think. He thought about how useless he was, unable to help, unable to see the signs. He was a failure of a spotter, and even as a friend.

…

Jacob went through his other classes in mostly a blur. Sure, he was there, paid some attention, took a couple notes, even answered questions correctly. But he didn't remember any of it. Physically, he was there as much as anyone else, but his mind kept drifting elsewhere, to his friend in the hospital. He hoped that everything would be okay, they'd check him out, fix whatever was wrong, and release him, and then everything would go back to normal. But he'd seen the grave look on Coach Johnson's face, and knew that it wouldn't be that simple.

After making his way home, he wanted to just drift away. He knew the things that he had to do, homework as always, band practice, but he'd have some time before them. However, as he entered the house, a voice greeted him.

"Hey Jacob, good to see you."

Jacob turned to the kitchen table and saw Ezekiel Williams there with his dad.

"Hello Mr. Williams."

"Please, just call me Zeke."

Zeke was one of the deacons and pastors of the church, though not one Jacob met enough to really know him. Zeke handled many of the behind the scenes administrator duties, and would occasionally teach on Sundays if Pastor Green was out of town or had other matters to attend too.

Jacob looked over to his dad and saw the look of stress on his face. He couldn't help thinking about the email, and the conversation he'd heard the night before. Even if there was something going on at the church, it seemed strange for them to be meeting in a home. Unless, they wanted some where more private, away from the rest of the staff.

"All right Zeke. You here discussing church stuff with my dad?"

Zeke folded his hands and Jim looked down, confirming Jacob's suspicions.

"You got the email I take it?" Zeke asked.

"What email?" Jim asked seemingly surprised by that.

Jacob wasn't sure what to say. The fact that his dad didn't know about it meant that it was supposed to be something kept in confidence. But now that Zeke mentioned it…

"Yeah, telling us about the accident," Jacob nodded.

"I thought we were trying to keep things secret," Jim said.

Zeke looked away from Jacob and to the older man. "Like it or not, secrets get out. Especially in schools where so many rumors spread. That's why Jeremiah sent out an email to several of the student leaders so they'd know the truth."

"I would have liked to have been involved in the decision, or at least have known that my own son was informed about this," Jim said with a cross of his arms.

"Well, we didn't tell him everything," Zeke said.

"What did you leave out?"

"You see, it wasn't just a simple accident. Pastor Green ended up leaving the scene of the accident. It was early, 6:30 or so when it happened, and it was Old Barn Road, where there wasn't any traffic. Or at least very little. He didn't say much when we talked to him, but some body saw it, and got his license plate number. The police showed up at the church later that day and took him into custody. Today they officially charged him with Hit and Run, along with potential other charges pending. The young man could possibly die from this, but for now is in critical condition at the hospital."

Jacob looked away from Zeke and to his dad, hoping that there was something he was leaving out, something that made Pastor Green not be a bad guy who could do that to someone. Instead of just leaving an injured man there, he'd be the one to help, to stay behind and make sure everything was okay.

But he wasn't.

"What are you going to do?" Jacob asked.

"We don't know son," Jim said.

"I understand this is a shock for you Jacob," Zeke added.

Yeah, that was an understatement.

What could he be certain of anymore? Pastor Green, one of his greatest role models, left a man for dead after carelessly hitting him with a car. He always taught about how love, even when it was hard, had the power to change the world. And his gentle voice, a calming touch whenever Jacob had doubts or questions. Were those just lies? A mask to hide from the world. And this was the truth, the actions of a heartless man.

Jacob thought of prayer, asking God for help, but didn't feel like it. What to pray for? That the pastor get out of jail, let a possible murderer walk free? Where was the justice in that? Or pray that Pastor Green face the consequences for what he did. But he knew how much that would hurt the church, with so many who looked up to him, followed him.

But really…should they follow someone like that?

He didn't know.

He thought of the old man's assurance that God hears every prayer, no matter how quiet they are.

He wondered if he was praying now.

He wondered many things.

"I-I'm gonna go to my room for a while." Jacob turned and slowly walked away.

"Do you think that was wise to tell him?" Jim asked.

"He's a good kid, has a right to know."

"I just hope he'll be okay."

"I'm sure he will; just have faith."

Faith, a word Jacob heard so much, one he built his life around. Was faith so certain though? It couldn't be, that's what faith meant. Faith was believing in something that can't be seen, but certain in the uncertain. Why did he have faith? Why did he believe?

The stories of the Bible, the design in the world, the spirit that guided his way.

Those all pointed the way.

But were they so strong?

Could it all just be smoke and mirrors, that this news was shattering?

Should he be so set in his faith to not look?

Would a God so in control let things fall apart so easily? Sampson being hurt, and now this.

He opened the door to his room, saw his bed, and devoid of all energy laid on it, letting his mind drift away to the only place where everything made sense, the realm of his dreams.

**1638**

**Total: 14171**

**Total as of Publishing: 30k+**


	9. Chapter 9: Faith

**Chapter 9: **Faith

He heard the knock at his door, though still half asleep, not remembering just what happened, but remembering the dull hurt of the news that had brought him up here. It wasn't just that he was tired, no more than that, he wanted to get away from the nightmare of his life, wanted it to just all be a dream that he could escape. But when the knock came again, he was more awake now, enough to at least respond.

"Yeah?"

"Can I come in?" The voice wasn't his dad's as Jacob had thought, but it was Zeke's.

"Sure, come on in."

The door opened though Jacob still just lay in bed as Zeke came in. "What's going on?"

"It's about six o'clock, I was going to head home and thought I could take you to band practice on the way."

"Oh yeah, that's tonight," Jacob said looking at the clock on the nightstand beside the bed. He didn't know he'd slept that long, but it had helped some. He didn't feel the same tears building up, the same pain and doubt. He could feel it as if it was crawling inside of him, but it didn't feel like it had claws trying to tear at him.

"The church is on my way home if you want me to take you."

"Yeah I guess I should go," Jacob said knowing the commitment he made to the band, even if that wasn't the place where he felt like going. He was supposed to pray at times like this, and what better way to do so but with the music in the church? But still, it felt so far way, so distant from how he currently felt. He wanted to fall back asleep, feeling that this was where he belonged, not in the house of worship.

Jacob pushed himself up off the bed, the darkness caused by the sun starting to set already taking the light of day away. He flipped on the light and put his shoes on. "Let's go," he said heading out of the room and going down stairs.

"Zeke is taking you to church?" Jim asked as Jacob came down stairs.

"Yeah, practice is over around 7:30, so can you pick me up then?"

"I should be able to."

Jacob and Zeke went out to the car, Jacob getting in and hearing the music starting to play. It was a Christian song he'd heard so many times, Our God by Christ Tomlin. He liked it, had a good beat, and an uplifting message, but he wanted to change the channel to something else. Rock, rap, or even country. If it was true that nothing could stand against them because of God, why did this happen? Why was there so much pain, so much suffering.

"Are you okay?" Zeke asked as they pulled out of the driveway.

Jacob looked out the window at the roads passing by around them. He knew the way; he could probably drive it blind folded. But he didn't pay attention to the street names, just let them pass, fading away.

He shook his head in response to the question. "Why?" he asked.

Zeke answered his as gently as possible. "You can't always expect to have all the answers. I don't, the other church members don't."

Faith, was believing without all the answers, a truth built not solely on human reason.

"Still, it has to make sense in some way," Jacob said, trying to find how any of this made sense, instead of just the random curse of chance.

"I wish I could tell you that it would. One day maybe you can look back on this and understand it all. I don't know how it does either. But I know that God is good despite all the bad things happening here."

"My friend was taken to the hospital today," Jacob said flatly.

"Oh, what happened?"

We were in gym. He was lifting too much weight, ended up dropping it on his chest. I don't know exactly what it did to him."

"What's his name? I'll pray for his healing."

"Sampson. Why didn't God stop him from getting hurt in the first place? It could have fallen to the side, or I could have seen it about to happen and stopped it, so why?"

"We don't know. I've seen God's hand before, sometimes the things that seem so cruel end up being the way He works most."

"You think so?" Jacob asked, still monotone. It made sense in a way, an answer for the unanswerable. But were those just empty words, just repeated thoughts? He didn't know that. Maybe one day he'd see. Maybe pain did lead to something greater. But why Sampson? What did he do to deserve it? Was it right?

"I've seen it in my own life more than once," Zeke said, "A prayer for the impossible, protection in the midst of disaster, a provision at the perfect time. We can't understand until it happens, and then it overcomes all our fear and doubt."

Will I ever see it, Jacob wondered. He'd prayed before, seen the prayers answered, but always in a normal way, the way that could be explained by chance and a bit of luck. Did miracles really happen from prayer? Could he ask for the impossible and it be given to him?

Had he even tried to be given that chance? Sure, he prayed for the large, world changing things, and end to the war, safety for missionaries, but those were so vague, so out there. Did he really believe things would change from his prayers, or was it something he just did because?

What was prayer anyway, if it wasn't honestly asking God to do something? An empty prayer was like walking up to his dad, asking for something he didn't really want or care about and then just walking away when his dad could give him anything he wanted.

"God can do great things," Zeke said, "Even when it feels so far away, when you can't see God showing up he can."

"Do you think that will happen with the church? I mean, with Pastor Green and all…"

"I don't know. Sometimes, the answer is no. And well, it hurts. But we have to keep believing and trust that God's plan is greater than ours."

Jacob nodded, the words making some sense to him. He felt a little bit better, but with the chaos of the day, wondered how true they were. He wanted a sign something that told him his faith had a reason beyond just the teachings he believed.

They pulled into the church parking lot and Jacob got out of the car and switched his mind to thinking about music instead. He hoped that it might take his mind off of what had happened, but even if it did, he knew once he started thinking about the lyrics it would be back even stronger.

**Chapter 9B**

It didn't take long for the sights and sounds of normalcy to take his mind off all his questions. After getting out of the car and making his way into the youth center, he went back stage and picked up his guitar. Out of habit he tuned it, making sure every string was perfectly tight, and he waited for the rest of the band to show up. He saw he was about 10 minutes early, which he didn't regret.

As he strummed it, he thought about the songs, the lyrics and the notes and as they fell together in his mind. There was a time when the notes were played out of habit, absent from conscious thoughts. He'd say those times were when he was lost in the music. His eyes would follow along the page, his fingers would hit the right strings, he'd sing the words, but not think about what he was doing. He sat on the stage, overlooking the small theater. He thought back to a few years ago when the entire morning service would congregate in here, how crowded it was, how exhausted the pastor's were, doing so many services. But since the expansion, this room had been for the youth ministries, plenty of extra room, but Jacob hoped that they'd grow to fill it.

At five minutes before practice was supposed to start, Matt came in the room, waving hi to Jacob while he got up on stage and began setting up his instruments. Matt was a year older than the rest of the band, a senior about to graduate, but even being older, he and Jacob became friends quickly. "How's it going Jacob?" Matt asked.

"It's been hard," Jacob said. He thought about answering 'good,' but he didn't want to lie and pretend everything was all right when he wasn't. If there was a place he could be honest about his questions and anxiety, this was the place for it. It didn't seem so strange to wonder what it all meant when he was around friends.

"You talking about Pastor Green?" Matt said taking a seat beside Jacob overlooking the empty room.

"Among other things." Jacob thought about his conversation with Zeke, the way everyone else seemed to tell him to have faith, and assured him that things would be all right. Did anyone else feel the same way he did?

"I know how you feel." Maybe there was someone. "It doesn't make sense sometimes. Sure, they have all the answers and stuff, but sometimes it doesn't help as much as you'd want it to." Matt held a hand up to his chest.

"You hear the full story of what happened?"

Matt nodded. "They told me about it first."

"So you knew all along?"

"Yeah, I'm actually the one who told them to leave out some of the details too."

"Oh?"

So Matt was the reason they lied to him? Or was there more?

"Yeah, I didn't want you to have to worry about it until they were sure. It's strange, they keep telling us everything is gong to be all right, but sometimes they always seem to get worse." Matt pulled his Bible out of his backpack. "They say everything is going to be all right, but you know what's the most common type of Psalm in here?"

"No, what?"

"Lament. A cry of pain and suffering. Let me show you." Matt went through the pages of his Bible, Jacob seeing the number of highlights and various notes taken alongside the margins. He thought about how little he knew about the Bible, only what he'd heard in the sermons and the occasional reading on his own. "Ah, right here." Matt was pointing to Psalm 44.

23 Awake, Lord! Why do you sleep?  
Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever.  
24 Why do you hide your face  
and forget our misery and oppression?

25 We are brought down to the dust;  
our bodies cling to the ground.  
26 Rise up and help us;  
rescue us because of your unfailing love.

"They're crying out to God, wondering where he is, why this is happening. Sound familiar?"

Jacob nodded. He would say he believed that God would help them, but so far, it didn't seem like it. Jacob looked and saw the Psalm ended. He wondered if God answered that prayer. Or if they truly faced death. He knew that David had written many of the Psalms, but this one didn't have a clear author. What happened to them? What pain did they face? What was it that caused them to cry out? Jacob knew how easy he had it that he wasn't facing an army, no one wanted him dead. But still, the pain existed just the same.

"So what do you think will happen?" Jacob asked.

"It's hard to say. That kid, Travis, could very well die from this. And even as it stands, Pastor Green could go to jail for fleeing the scene."

Did he deserve that, to be arrested like that for what he did? Jacob knew what the law stated. But he didn't want to lose such a great man, and surely someone that good didn't deserve jail, even if he messed up that one time. But it was funny, the law didn't care about how many times someone did good, someone who broke the law was an outlaw.

Jacob thought about what Paul wrote, that someone who broke even one part of the law was guilty of breaking all of it. More than that, he wondered about grace that was for everyone. He knew the laws of man weren't so forgiving, that he could really be arrested.

"What will we do?" Jacob asked.

"We'll have to continue on without him. Find a new pastor, and continue travelling the road God ordained for us. It's the only thing we can do. But when you doubt, remember two things."

"What?"

"God is on our side, no matter what."

Jacob nodded, the assurance he'd heard a thousand times. "What else?"

"That we have each other."

Jacob smiled. Maybe he didn't have to figure out everything on his own. He wished he had the answers, could handle everything that came his way on his own strength. But he knew that the best times he had was when he was with friends. How whenever one of them was in pain, just being together could dull it, dividing the suffering among them, multiplying the joy. It didn't seem to matter what it was exactly, something small or big. "Thanks."

Mary, Snoopy, and John walked into the room, a couple minutes after practice was supposed to start, though Jacob was glad he was able to talk to Matt, even if it meant they'd have to rush a bit to get through all the songs.

"Sorry we're late," Mary said, "Someone thought that a road closed sign should be taken as a challenge."

"My car made it most of the way," Snoopy said, "I just didn't know that the road was going to be in that deep of water."

"That's okay, let's get to work," Jacob said, wondering exactly what happened, thought that would have to wait for another time. Mary went to the keyboard and got her mic set, Snoopy grabbed his bass guitar and John got the electric guitar. Jacob went through the sheet music, looking at all the songs they had to get through tonight. He knew that they'd have most of Saturday to practice to make sure everything was right, but he wanted to get the hard work out of the way tonight.

"We'll start off with 'Take Heart,'" Matt said.

"All right." Jacob adjusted his guitar and lined his fingers up for the first note, waiting for Matt to set the beat for them. It seemed strange, how easily he could play the song on his own, hit the notes right and seem to do it perfect. But in a group like this, it wasn't just hitting the right notes, but also making sure the entire band was in sync. One person being off could turn a great performance into a horrible one.

'_There is a light  
It burns brighter than the sun  
He steals the night  
And casts no shadow  
There is hope  
Should oceans rise and mountains fall  
He never fails'_

As he sang the words he'd heard before, even sung a number of times, he thought about how powerful they were. The world outside was dark, in the middle of night. But the light of the sun would usher in a new day. His heart felt dark, doubting, hurt, but if the words of the song were true, light would come to that too.

'_So take heart  
Let His love lead us through the night  
Hold on to hope  
And take courage again'_

The song didn't say the night would fade right away. Darkness would rule for a while, the darkness of a physical night lasted for hours, and he knew that in some parts of the world, weeks or even months. But when the light came, the world was brightened as if the light and never faded. He wanted to listen to the words of the song, letting God's love lead them until the night ended. It would still be dark, he might not know what was on the other side, but if God was with them, that should be enough.

'_In death by love  
The fallen world was overcome  
He wears the scars of our freedom  
In His Name  
All our fears are swept away  
He never fails'_

Jacob prayed for God to take away the fear; that he'd be able to see the love of Christ that never failed. He thought about the cross, the ultimate sign of overcoming. By all logical standards, that was the moment when Christ had lost. Any hope for change had ended there. He was dead, his followers denying they even knew him. But the world didn't see what was truly happening. It put Christ to death, but as the scriptures proclaim, Christ rose from the dead, overcoming more than society or government, but death itself and the sin that held its power.

'_God our refuge  
God our strength  
God is with us  
He has overcome'_

God had overcome. Jesus didn't promise a world without pain, he promised not to leave his followers. There would be pain, maybe even death, but nothing that Christ hadn't already overcome.

As the music faded, Jacob let the words he'd proclaimed echo in his mind. The assurance he had, the fact that the greatest victory had already been won.

"Nice job, let's just go over that one more time," Matt said.

Jacob almost forgot what the purpose of being here was, to practice their music, to make sure they hit all the notes together.

Throughout the rest of the night, he forced his mind to focus on the music, aiming to be as close to perfection as he could. He studied the notes, finding the ones that were hard for him to hit, the words that he had to adjust his voice to hit at the right pitch. But he didn't forget the meaning, the hope that he had, and the truth they proclaimed. Even though he thought of Sampson suffering in the hospital, Pastor Green sitting in jail, he prayed as he played and sang, that God would be with them in a way that only He could.

...

**2988**

**Total: 17153**

**Song lyrics here were from Hillsong United's Take Heart**


	10. Chapter 10: Thoughts From Places

**Chapter 10**: Thoughts from Places

Jacob was surprised at how quickly the rest of the week seemed to fly by. Classes were normal, home life was normal; everything seemed to go by smoothly. He was glad the chaos had died down some, but at least for a little while his life wasn't one piece of bad news after another.

He prayed for Sampson, and it seemed strange how often he noticed Sampson not being there. In the hall ways between classes, hanging out with the other athletic kids before and after school. He wondered why exactly he'd been so wrapped up with it; it wasn't like they were that close of friends. They saw each other on occasion, talking to each other only when they had class together or something happened.

But still, a piece of Jacob felt empty without him here.

Jacob thought if it was guilt; that he should have been there to help him instead of letting him get hurt. As he went to class, looking toward where he normally saw Sampson, he thought about anything he could have said or done differently. Maybe if he had been stronger and been able to get that bar off him sooner, he wouldn't be in such bad condition.

Still, he thought about what the music told him, that God had overcome any of his failures. That the pain wouldn't last forever, that he was made right before God, not because of what he had done.

"Hey Jacob," he heard Matt call as he got ready to leave for the weekend. "You going to the party tonight?"

"Party?"

"Yeah, the one I told you about last weekend. Justin had invited me to his family's house off the ocean and he said I was free to bring friends."

"That sounds like fun," Jacob said. He wasn't one to go to many parties, he knew the stories of what all happened there. But there wasn't any harm in just going. He knew what he should and shouldn't do, and if Matt was there, he knew he'd feel the same way, so they could leave if things got too bad. Besides, getting away from the city for a bit might be what he needed.

"I'll pick you up about five or so then, okay?"

"Sure." Jacob looked down at his watch and saw the buses were about to leave. "Oh crap, got to go," he said running off. He figured he could probably get a ride home if he had to since so many of his friends had their license, but didn't want to have to ask. Besides, he kind of liked the break the bus gave him, just able to relax some on the way home.

He sat down on the bus and watched as the roads passed beside him, he couldn't help but noticing the couple in the seat in front of him. He didn't know them, but had seen them a couple times before. The girl had long blond hair and the boy had a light shade of brown hair. She was running her hand through his hair as they were huddled around a small computer screen watching some kind of video.

Jacob shook his head, though couldn't help but feeling a bit jealous. The two hugged each other, and Jacob wondered if he'd find a girl any time soon. It seemed like every other day one of his friends said they were going out with someone, and he wondered when he would. Sure, there was that girl that he was technically going out with for those few weeks last year, but outside of a few calls, they never talked outside of school. He cared about her, at least a little bit, but he wouldn't call it love. That, and he was pretty sure she was crazy, but that was a small detail.

He thought about the things that had been said, she said she loved him, he said it too, though wasn't sure if he could believe it. He knew the problems she had, how she'd been hurt before, and knew that he had hurt her too. It wasn't like after putting your heart out for someone that it can be put back without scars.

But still, throughout all the pain, there was something in that relationship that he liked, being there with someone, there for someone.

The couple got off the bus after a few stops, and Jacob wondered what they had planned for the weekend. He thought about his own weekend, the party, band practice, church and then the church wide party he'd be part of. Maybe some sleep in there somewhere, a bit of homework if he was lucky. Eh, there was always Sunday night to catch up on that.

Jacob's stop came and he got off the bus, looking up at the sky seeing that it was another bright November day. He knew that the cold would be coming soon, probably even a bit of snow, but as it was, the world seemed perfect. It was Friday night, the weekend before him. Maybe a bit of work thrown in, but he smiled, enjoying life. There were problems, but none of them he didn't have faith would get sorted out soon.

He entered the house, and walked up to his mom who was sitting down watching TV. "How was your day Jacob?" she asked.

"Pretty uneventful. Matt invited me to a party tonight so I'll be going to that."

"Where at?" his dad asked from the other room.

"At our friend Justin's house. Matt was saying it was about 20 minutes out of town near the ocean."

"Why haven't I heard about this boy before?" Jim asked.

Jacob shrugged his shoulders. "I guess it's just because we're not all that close. Matt knows him a lot better than I do though."

"What's the address of the place?"

"I don't know. Matt was the one who was going to drive us there, so you could ask him when he gets here."

"I'd rather know where you're going ahead of time. Do you know the houses' phone number?"

Jacob shook his head. "I'll make sure my phone is charged, and Matt will have his."

"Cell phone reception isn't always a guarantee if something happens."

Jacob wanted to say it wasn't a guarantee the house even had a land line. But his dad seemed to be set in the old ways, of structure, of knowing.

"It will be fine. And it's not like I'll be alone there. I'm sure there will probably be a dozen or so of my friends there too."

"I'm sure he'll be okay," Ruth said. "He's smart, he knows right and wrong. It's not like we can know exactly where he is at all times."

"True, but I'd still like at least an idea in case something happens."

"Sometimes you just have to have faith in him, Jim," Ruth said. "Just be careful."

"I will."

With that, Jacob went up stairs, figuring out if there was any homework he had to do now, deciding that he could put it off till later on in the weekend. He got an aspirin out of the bathroom and took it for his head. The pain had started to get better, though he knew that it could get worse again, and he didn't want that to mess with him having a good time tonight. Once Matt got there an hour later and gave Jim what he knew about the place, the two friends were off.

"You wouldn't believe how much Dad didn't want me to go," Jacob said once they had gotten on the highway.

"Why?"

"He didn't know Justin at all, so he didn't want me going somewhere he didn't know about."

"I guess that makes sense. I'm 18 and my mom still wants to know everything about what I do. She says I'll do the same with my kids when I have them."

"And I'm sure I'll be like Dad too. Though I hope I'm not just like him."

"They seem to be good parents. You're pretty lucky, having a mom and dad that haven't divorced. Most people now don't."

"Oh yeah, how is your family doing?" Jacob knew that having slightly over protective parents was a lot better than many others. He had parents who loved him, who loved each other and loved God. Anything else was just a minor annoyance compared to how bad many had it.

"As good as can be expected, I guess. After twenty years of marriage, it was quite a shock, but my brother and I are doing as good as we can. I'll be moving away come next year so even it gets too bad, I could just head out sooner. I'm worried about Ben though."

"How's his first year of high school going?"

"He's getting by. But hearing what Mom and Dad keep saying about each other, I can tell he's trying to figure how who's right and wrong."

"They want him to take sides?"

"I don't think they're doing it on purpose. But yeah, I think that's what they're doing. I'm able to filter it out, just nodding when they go on one of their rants, and forget about it. But he can't."

Jacob looked in the back seat, wondering if Ben would be there. He knew he would have noticed sooner, but couldn't help but checking. He wondered if Matt should be leaving him alone this weekend. "What's he doing tonight?"

"Hanging out with Dan and Rhuben. We're with Mom this week, so he normally stays over at friends at least one night over the weekend."

"Poor kid."

"Jacob?"

"Yeah?"

"When I'm gone, can you keep an eye on him? Make sure he's doing okay, and help get him away from Mom and Dad for a bit if he needs it."

"Of course. Mom and Dad really like you two, so he'd always be welcome there if things get worse."

"Thanks."

"And you too. Don't think you have to do this by yourself. What were you telling me before… that God gave us each other to get through the hard times."

"I will remember that; thank you Jacob."

They pulled up to Justin's house, one of the biggest Jacob had seen. It was two stories tall, though also had a large basement that seemed to extend toward the beach. As Jacob looked around it, he could see a sidewalk leading from the back yard to the beach itself. "Oh wow."

"Yeah, Justin's family is pretty loaded. They're partial owners of some big technology firm or something."

Dozens of cars lined the street leading up to the house and filled the long driveway. "Are we late?" Jacob asked.

"No, a bit early."

"He must have invited everyone he knew."

"And then some if I heard right," Matt said finding a space that was no more than a mile away. Even though they were still quite a distance from the house, they could still hear the music coming from the house.

"The police can't be okay with this," Jacob said.

"Don't worry, I'm on hold with them now," their friend Andrew said pacing the sidewalk with his phone up to his ear.

"Easy there rent-a-cop," Colin said, another student at the school in Matt's grade who Jacob had gotten to know through him. "It's just a party, have a little fun. I'm sure you're more than welcome."

"No, party's aren't really my thing. I'd prefer to have a nice relaxing evening at home, something I can't do with that inhuman noise."

"That's techno music," Colin said.

"Same thing," Jacob added.

"Whatever, just put some ear plugs in or something."

"Ah, they picked up!" Andrew said as he began talking to the person on the line. "Wait, a 504 on Main Street. Okay, I understand." Andrew hung up the phone and began running back to his home a few houses down. "I've got to get to the police scanner."

"I think that guy as a few screws loose," Colin said.

"Yeah, he's the only person I've ever seen who can enjoy directing traffic," Jacob said.

"Whatever, we're here to have fun, aren't we?" Matt said to which the rest of them nodded and made their way to Justin's house.

…

2049

Total: 19202

**A/N:** If you interrupt me while I'm trying to write, don't be surprised if you find yourself inserted into my story. Hehehe. Also, another surprise for me here with Matt's family. I'm thinking I could go into a lot more detail about that here, but since it's Jacob's story, this isn't the place for it. I think I've gotten the pieces to this story set up, so it's time to start putting them together. For those who read the excerpt during the summer, this is the same party mentioned in that. Though I'll be rewriting that chapter with all the new plot points taken into account.


	11. Chapter 11: Party

**Chapter 11: Party**

It didn't take long for Jacob to feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people here. There were the friends he knew, saw every day, like Matt, Colin, Mark, and a few others. There were others that he saw around school, but didn't know their names. A few of those he said hi to, but nothing more as he continued wading through the crowds. Mostly though were those he'd never seen. He figured many of them probably came from a different school, either another high school or possibly even college. A couple he'd even say were in middle school, but guessed they were brothers or sisters of someone else, who were drug along for whatever reason.

Still, Jacob didn't feel quiet at home, something didn't seem right here. Like he was slapped with a cold cloth on a hot day, and he was on edge. The loud music hadn't faded any, which do to his love of music, he would normally have not minded, though it seemed to alternate between rap and techno, neither of which he liked. He recognized one of Lil' Wayne's songs, only because he'd heard it so much at school.

Jacob found his way upstairs, where the crowds had died down some. He was on top of a balcony looking down, the number of people having to be in the hundreds. He saw several of his friends interacting, a lot of people with pizza and chips. There were TVs set up with various games, Halo, Call of Duty, Smash Brothers, along with a few he didn't recognize. Whoever had organized this had gone all out, making sure they had everything.

"What are you doing up here?" Matt asked from beside him. Jacob didn't even notice how he got up here, and figured he'd probably be downstairs with how many people he knew.

"It's just so much."

"I know; it seems overwhelming."

"Do you go to parties like this often?"

"Can't say I do. Justin has thrown these in the past, but never when I'd been able to go. And well, you know the rest of us aren't big on things like this."

"True."

Normally a party for them was just sitting down with a few friends and watching a movie or playing a few games. Never something like this. Out in the living room which Jacob was pretty sure was the size of his couch, there was a disco ball along with people dancing in ways Jacob didn't need to see. He caught a couple couples making out on the couch downstairs, and there were even a few people throwing a football through the hallway.

"This place is crazy."

"Have fun here."

"Right," Jacob nodded. That's why he was here, a stress relief, having some fun, and forgetting all about the week. He made his way back downstairs, accidently colliding into a girl in a tube-top and some short shorts, which he tried to look away from as soon as his eyes locked upon.

"Watch where you're going," she said pushing him back.

"S-sorry," Jacob said hesitantly.

"Oh, you think sorry is going to cut it."

"Leave him alone," one of the older guys said as she walked past him. "Sorry about her, she's just a bit excited."

"About?"

"You don't know?"

Jacob nodded, not sure he wanted to know. He thought about how worried his dad was about a party at some place he didn't know. However, before the guy could explain what was going on, the girl whispered in his ear and the two of them continued up the stairs.

"That's odd," Jacob said to himself before going back downstairs. He found the massive kitchen which had probably a dozen pizzas scattered around it. He grabbed a plate, and got a few slices, eating them as he wondered back out into the main room, the massive number of things going on still overwhelming him. He stepped up to a game of guitar hero, figuring that would be a place to start. He had played it a few times before, and despite knowing how to play a real guitar, it was different.

Once it was his turn he stepped up, seeing his opponent was a guy with long black hair. "Steve," the guy said holding out his hand.

"Jacob."

"A pleasure to meet you."

The song started and the two of them tried hitting the notes as best he could. The song wasn't a hard one, and old Bon Jovi one, something Jacob was kind of surprised to see at a party like this which was inundated with the newest songs, whether they were any good or not.

After not losing by much, Jacob walked away, the horrendous sounds of the stereos taking a toll on his head. He had thought the pain had gone away, but the music seemed to pound at it, with the hard words of the rap lyrics jabbing at it. He found his way to the back door, overlooking a beautiful view of the ocean with a deck that seemed to stretch around the whole house.

Here it was less crowded, still a few people, but the conversations were softer, he could actually hear what people were saying when they were a couple feet away from him. He closed the door, shutting most of the volume of music off behind him. He saw the waves crash against the beach, the gentle roar of the waves blanketing the chaos of the music. He smiled, seeing the beauty of nature. The sun had begun to set behind the house, leaving the horizon dark, the murkiness sparkling with the few rays of sunlight left.

He took a seat on one of the deck chairs and stared at it, the clash of water on sand beautiful. He wondered why he wasn't out here more often. It wasn't like the beach was so far away he couldn't get to it. He couldn't drive himself, but he had friends who he was sure would enjoy this when they got the chance.

He looked up at the darkening sky, the points of light of the stars shining from so far away. It was funny, the sun was so close that it blinded the world to these, but during the night, without the light of the sun, stars so far away, and in many cases so much bigger than the sun could truly shine. Jacob imagined it all, the universe and all it's billions of light-years, and thought about the story of creation. How it was all summed up in Genesis, saying that "he created the stars also." It wasn't a big deal to God to create a universe humans couldn't even comprehend. With such massive objects that were so majestically in tune. It was something that he couldn't understand, that a God so big, so powerful, so majestic could be so close to him. Jacob held his hand up to his heart, thinking of the love of God that had saved him, transformed him.

"What are you doing out here?" a voice called out to him.

Jacob turned and saw Sampson standing over him, looking out at the same wondrous scenery.

"It was just too much in there," Jacob said. "What about you, I thought you were in the hospital."

"They let me out today."

"What had happened to you?"

"A broken rib, something about my chest cavity."

"Oh wow, are you in much pain?"

Sampson nodded. "Yeah, still hurts to breathe."

"Oh wow, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I mean if I had seen that you were going to drop it I could have stopped it in time."

"Not your fault," Sampson said shaking his head. "If I was smart I would have stopped sooner. Then again, it was to beat Darris, so it would be worth it. But if what Mark told me was true, I still lost."

"Maybe next time?" Jacob said with a bit of a chuckle. He couldn't have but admire Sampson's stubbornness, his competitiveness. It was what made him such a great athlete, if there was a goal he had set; he'd keep working for it no matter what. Even if he hurt himself, he'd make it. Though there were times that could be pushed too far, but he hoped one day Sampson would learn the difference between those two times.

"Is your head feeling okay from Monday?"

"It was feeling a lot better until I came here."

"What do you mean?"

"The loud music. It just feels like every beat is like a punch to my head."

"Well, at least out here it's quieter.

"Still louder than I like it. It would be one thing if it was good music too."

"Oh, you mean you don't like Skrilix?"

"I don't really like bands that are named after something that isn't a word."

Sampson shook his head as he sat down beside Jacob looking out at the water.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Jacob nodded. The calmness and serenity helping him relax more than he'd been able to in so long.

"You know," Sampson said, "there are times where I just like sitting on the beach and let the tide sweep over me, and let myself sink into the sand, it feels like I'm going to drift away with the ocean, to someplace far away."

It sounded peaceful to Jacob. He wondered if he could relax like that with all the music, or lack there of, behind him.

Jacob messaged his temples, trying to get the pain to go away. He wasn't sure if this was brought on by the injury before, the pain was in a different spot this time. Still, as the door opened letting out another blast of nails on chalkboard techno music which hurt Jacob more.

"Hey, if you're hurting so much, maybe you should take something for it."

Jacob had wished he'd brought some Aspirin with him, but couldn't see himself needing it when he felt better before.

"I wish I could. It's not like they'd randomly have pain relievers on them here."

"You'd be surprised," Sampson said, raising Jacob's suspicions.

"Huh?"

"Never mind. It is a bit much, I admit. Justin probably went a bit overboard with this party and the music."

"I guess it would be fun, if I was into this kind of thing."

"I'm going to get another drink, you want me to get you anything?" Sampson asked.

"Nah, I'll get something for myself in a bit."

"All right, see ya."

Jacob watched as Sampson walked back inside, thankful that he was doing so well. He could tell by the way Sampson was walking that he was still in a lot of pain, but he seemed to shrug it off really well. He felt really weak, a little bit of a headache and he felt like every problem was his, while he knew compared to this Sampson's pain had to be unimaginable. Yet he just walked it off.

Jacob decided to head back inside, to try to have a good time at least. Even if it was a bit of a pain, why should that stop him from enjoying himself?

He got ready to go back inside, wondering if there were any drugstores nearby, where he could buy some aspirin, or at least some earplugs. That might be a good way to get through this without pain.

As he went back in, the light of the sunset was washed away by the many flashing colors of whatever light system they had here.

"Ah, Jacob, glad you could make it," Justin said walking up to him.

"Hey Justin." Jacob hadn't met Justin except for a couple times at school, normally when he was hanging out with Matt. He was honestly surprised Justin knew his name, with how many people where here.

"What do you think of this party? The biggest and best one I've ever thrown."

"It's certainly something."

"You're not enjoying it?" Justin asked.

"It's a bit more than I'm used to, that's all," Jacob said not trying to be rude, and didn't want to seem unappreciative of his host.

"You'll get used to it. Just try having fun, and you'll find yourself sucked right in." Justin reached over the counter to pull something up. "Here," he said passing it to Jacob which he recognized as a can of beer.

"No, I don't drink," Jacob said. Thinking if that's what this party really was, then why would Matt be here, and inviting him?

"Ah, okay then. I guess I should have expected it, you being Matt's friend and all."

What did that mean? An insult to them?

"It's whatever though. If that's how you want to have a good time, go for it."

Jacob started to walk away, wondering if he should even be in a place like this. However, as he was walking, something caught his attention. An orange cat jumped up on the counter, and meowed at them, rubbing its cheek against his arm.

"What the hell?" Justin asked.

"That your cat."

"No," Justin said scratching his head. "Mom's allergic to them."

"Then how?"

"I don't know."

"Is your mom here?" Jacob asked, wondering, though doubting Justin would be having a party like this in their house, if she was. Especially after he heard the noise of something expensive sounding shattering.

"No, my folks are out of the country. They're in Britain discussing some kind of business merger or something."

"Ah, I see."

"Don't worry about it Jacob," Justin said putting his arm around him. "What they don't know won't hurt them. I've had big parties before, they came home and everything was fine. Just have fun, enjoy yourself. Drunk, sober, hanging from the ceiling, I don't care how you do it. Let me handle all those worries."

"Okay," Jacob said a little bit reassured, but wasn't entirely comfortable with this thing. He then heard a dog barking running through the kitchen.

"That's not your dog either, is it?"

"No, that's Simon."

The two of them then heard a moo.

"That most certainly isn't," Justin said as he took off running toward the stairs bounding up them. "Mark, I swear I'm going to kick your ass if you're hiding chickens in my underwear drawer again."

Jacob wondered what exactly a cow had to do with a chicken here, and what Mark had to do with it all. He didn't even know Mark and Justin knew each other, but with the number of people Justin seemed to know, it shouldn't have surprised him much. Even with the fact they were three years apart, that wouldn't stop them from being friends.

Jacob thought about leaving the party, the alcohol not something he wanted to have anything to do with. He'd heard the horror stories, someone drinks too much, and they die of alcohol poisoning, or they get behind the wheel and kill themselves, and maybe others. Possibly, even if it wasn't that life ruining, they could still do something stupid, and hurt themselves. He'd heard the story of a man who had a great job, but came into work drunk one too many times and lost everything.

He knew those were extremes, but didn't want to let himself start down that path. He knew some enjoyed drinking, but didn't see any purpose in it. If that was the life they choose for themselves, than okay, but that's not something Jacob wanted to life with. He turned away from the counter, seeing Justin run along the balcony upstairs reaching for something that seemed to be out of his grasp. Looking close, Jacob could make out a monkey hanging from one of the chandeliers.

"What the?" Jacob asked, not sure how the monkey got there or who brought it. It was one thing for a random cat to show up, but a monkey? And did it have anything to do with the mentioning of cows or chickens from earlier?

He shook his head as he went toward the back door; this whole thing was becoming a bit much for him. He thought about seeing if he could find Matt and the two of them could go home. Still, Matt seemed to be looking forward to it, and after what he said about his family, it might be needed for him to forget. He wondered if Matt would be one of the people drinking, but didn't think he'd drink if he had to be driving home.

Or would he?

Alcohol seemed to help people forget, and thinking about the pain of a divorce, and parent's arguing, he could see how that would be nice. But surely alcohol wasn't the answer.

Or was it?

People had to drink it for a reason, and maybe they had a good one, even if Jacob didn't want to have anything to do with it. Jacob would admit he was curious what it was like to be drunk, and wondered what it tasted like. He thought, maybe once it would be okay. But he shook his head, remembering his vow to stay away from that stuff. He didn't need it.

He gazed around the massive room, trying to find Matt, though with the dozens of people covering the house, he didn't think he'd be able to find him. So sighing, he decided to give up and head back outside. He thought maybe he'd find Sampson there, and away from such crowds, it would be nice to just talk to him, away from all the chaos and things he'd rather avoid.

So he made his way back outside, the sun nearly set making the ocean that much darker, but still as loud as ever as it's waves crashed against the seashore like gentle unending rain. He sat down, trying to breathe in, feeling a bit bad to be away from all the fun, but as he rested his chin in his hand staring forward, he thought about how beautiful this was. All the noise and craftsmanship of the world couldn't compare to the sheer beauty or majesty of God's creation.

"So you decided to come back out here," Sampson said causing Jacob to turn around.

"Didn't want to be around all the party," Jacob said, not really feeling like explaining it. He wondered what Sampson would think if he said why. Did Sampson drink? Had he been drinking? Would he look down on him for not?

Jacob wondered why he cared so much too. He knew what he believed, if anyone had a problem with it, he shouldn't care.

But for Sampson, he did.

"I know how you feel, it was fun at first, but there's only so much I can take," Sampson said softly.

"Wow, I thought I was the only one who didn't like it here," Jacob said.

"Different things for different people I guess," Sampson said. "If you want I could take you home."

"I came here with Matt, so I don't want to just leave him here."

"I'm sure he'll be okay with it. I'll just tell him that your headache got too bad if you want."

He looked up at Sampson, the way he was standing behind a light and wearing a white t-shirt and blue jean shorts made him glow. The wind against him, and Jacob could see the bandages underneath his shirt around his chest. He wondered how badly he was hurting. Sampson was good at hiding pain, but he didn't seem to be his usual energetic and enthusiastic self.

Sampson sat on a stool beside Jacob, and he could hear him groan as he sat down, holding up his hand to his chest.

"Are you okay?"

"It hurts a bit," Sampson said taking a few light and even breaths. "More so when I stand up, or sit down. Or lay down. Or sneeze. And really, surprisingly, when I take a dump."

Jacob couldn't help but laughing at that and seeing Sampson's smile took some of the sting away from seeing his friend in so much pain.

"What did they do to you in the hospital?" Jacob asked.

"Stuck and IV in me, did an X-ray, and MRE or whatever it's called. I don't know what all it was. They said they thought they'd have to do surgery on me to get everything fixed at first."

"Oh wow," Jacob said, imagining them cutting Samuel open and shuddering at the image.

"They said I was pretty lucky though. They wrapped up my ribs, and put some kind of small metal plate near the broken ribs to protect it or something."

"I guess that way you wouldn't break it worse." That made sense, with ribs being in a position like that, it wasn't possible for them to just set the bone like they would for a broken arm or something. That also meant that in the event of something happening, it wouldn't have anything else to protect it.

"Here, look," Sampson said pulling up a shirt to give Jacob a view of his body. It looked like several rows of bandages had been overlapped about ten inches up and down across his chest. Jacob looked down for a few seconds too, at Sampson's stomach and his abs. He blushed, Sampson so close to him. He couldn't help but thinking about what he wanted to do. His hand rose a couple inches off the arms of the chair, subconsciously going up to Sampson's body.

"Right here," Sampson said putting his hand up on the right side of his chest where there was a small bulge in the bandages.

"Did them putting it there hurt?" Jacob said trying to think of anything else other than what was right in front of his eyes. He moved his gaze up to Sampson's head, but it fell a second later.

"No, it was a bit cold at first though. You can touch it if you want to."

Jacob's eyes widened at the offer. He wanted too, for more reasons that just knowing what type of object it was or out of worry for Sampson's injuries.

But what to say?

He wanted to touch it, touch Sampson's body. And it would be rude to refuse that offer. But what about doing what was right? Still, Sampson so close, and who could know when he'd get another chance like this. Even if it didn't mean anything, because, well, it didn't. This was just curiosity, hanging out with a friend, inquiring about his medical condition.

Or close enough to that anyway.

Sampson got up from the chair; cringing a bit as he did so, and kneeled down beside Jacob his shirt still up.

"Well, go ahead?"

"Okay," Jacob said, reaching out to touch him. He felt the bandages, elastic but pulled tight to give them the most amount of strength. "A little bit lower," Sampson said and Jacob wanted to replace that with a lot lower but he closed his eyes for a second, trying to keep those thoughts away. But when you're so close to such a hot guy, it's pretty hard to control what ideas your mind comes up with.

He moved his hand about an inch and felt that, like a rock underneath the soft bandages. "It feels strange," Jacob said as casually as he could.

"I know, feels strange to have it there all the time."

Jacob let his palm fall, part of his hand resting on Sampson's bare skin.

"Can I ask you something?" Sampson asked, though Jacob hardly heard the words, just smiling that he was touching Sampson.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Are you blushing?"

In an instant Jacob tore his hand away.

How could he explain it? He was cold? Hungry? What did that have to do with blushing though? Felt badly for him, that could cause blushing? Right? Maybe?

"I, uh-um."

"I thought so," Sampson said with a smile.

"Huh?"

"You're pretty discreet about it, you know that?" Sampson said, and Jacob tried to rationalize what all he meant by that. All the options, so many things it could mean other than the real reason for it.

"About what?" Jacob asked, trying to act as dumbfounded by this as he could. He'd just have to get away; make Sampson think about something else, anything else, any new topic. But any thoughts of sports or school or music flew from his mind compared to the guy kneeling beside him.

"I've seen the way you look at me in the locker room."

No, it couldn't be. That had only been a few seconds at most, and normally when Sampson had his back turned, so he couldn't know. Well, there were those times when Sampson would turn around, but then Jacob would look away, to something else.

So he couldn't know.

Could he?

He did.

So what did that mean.

His secret ruined, his nightmare brought to life. He thought about what the people would think. What his friends would say, what the church would do to him, would he even be let on the basketball team if he went to try out for it now? They never said anything against it, but he knew the thoughts they'd have. And he couldn't let it out so he'd have to make Sampson think he was wrong, so he needed to say something and quick.

"I-I don't know what you mean."

"Come on Jacob," Sampson said taking a hold of Jacob's chin forcing their gazes to meet. "You're good at hiding it, but I can tell what your eyes are saying when you look at me like that. Though if I wasn't staring at you so much, I doubt I would have noticed it."

Wait…Sampson staring at him.

Did that mean…

Sampson, the guy Jacob had this crush on for so long knew his secret.

And felt the same.

Jacob's eyes flew along the deck, seeing it was empty along this side of the house apart from the two of them. So no one else saw it.

But Sampson was here, and knew it.

Jacob couldn't just pretend this never happened, keep his secrets buried deep inside where no one could see.

He couldn't pretend he didn't feel this way, have these affections.

Sampson was confessing a love for him.

He couldn't return it, that wouldn't be right.

But he felt the same.

And he wanted to tell him.

So what should he do?

He looked for a way out, a place to run.

But beneath Sampson's strong and affectionate gaze, he couldn't go anywhere. He didn't want to. His heart told him there was no other place for him, no better place to be.

"You…" Jacob said, the words failing to come to him.

"You're beautiful, especially like this," Sampson running and hand along Jacob's cheek, who shivered at the touch.

"But I-" Jacob tried looking away, tried willing Sampson to leave. "I can't."

"You don't have to be afraid," Sampson said, "I'm here for you."

Through shortened breaths, and a rapidly beating heart, Jacob nodded, agreeing to something but he wasn't sure quite of what.

And then Sampson moved in close, their faces nearly touching. Jacob's eyes went wide as he realized what this was, but he was too late to command his body to stop it, if he even wanted to at all. Their mouths met, pressing against each other.

The touch, so soft, so gentle, Jacob pushed into it. The sensation was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Feeling a chill go down his spine at the touch, he leaned forward, pushing Sampson up with him. Their lips danced for a moment, embracing each other, taking in each other's essence.

Here he was, kissing Sampson. The feeling was beyond his wildest dreams. A smile spread across Jacob's lips as he deepened the kiss. He moved his arms up ready to hug Sampson.

But then his mind kicked back on, as he thought about what he was doing beyond just the joy of the experience.

He was kissing Sampson.

A guy.

That was wrong, an abomination.

He remembered what it said in Leviticus. How God hated sin like this.

"I-I'm sorry," Sampson said looking down, away from Jacob. Jacob got up and started backing away, unable to comprehend what he just did. He had to get away from this, get away from Sampson. He didn't know how, but that didn't matter. He'd just stay away from Sampson for the rest of high school; or at least until Sampson found a girlfriend, or maybe even a boyfriend. At this point, Jacob didn't really care. He just knew it couldn't be him.

"I just, you know, thought that you'd…you know," Sampson said stuttering.

"It's okay," Jacob said, seeing the look of rejection and hurt on Sampson's face, and couldn't help but feel bad, knowing that he was the cause of it. And the kiss was okay, in fact, he wanted to do it again. But he couldn't.

"I should have asked first," Sampson said standing up and walking a step toward Jacob. A part of Jacob's mind told him to run. He couldn't let this go any further, he'd already let this go too far.

"I just," Jacob said, still not able to find the right words. How to reject him without hurting him? He looked back to the house, thinking of all the people who saw it. There were so many people who could have seen it, from a window up stairs, to someone out front.

"Don't worry, they don't know."

"They can't know," Jacob said fighting back a couple tears, just imagining what would happen to his life if people knew he was gay. Everything would change, he knew that.

"Do you still want me to take you home?" Sampson asked as Jacob's eyes lit up. Where else could a simple ride go? He could get away here, put distance between them to stop whenever his mind told him to keep going. "Just a ride, as friends. Nothing more, I promise."

Could he trust Sampson? Could he trust himself with Sampson?

Still, he didn't want to be here. He'd known that pretty much since just getting here.

And if he wanted to go, then Sampson would be the best way to go home. He could think about what happened on the way home, and just sit in silence if needed.

"All right," Jacob said taking a few even breaths, trying to forget about the kiss, the feeling, the joy. He shook his head, and tried to ponder other things, like why the sky was blue, or why the quadratic formula worked.

Sampson got his keys out and the two of them started walking down the deck to the driveway at the side of the house.

"I have to say, you're a pretty good kisser," Sampson said. "That was fun." Sampson smiled at Jacob, and he wondered if this really was a good idea.

"I enjoyed that too," he admitted. "But we can't do that again." No matter how much he wanted to, no matter how much he wanted more. Sampson was so sweet, so strong, and Jacob loved being with him like that.

"Of course," Sampson said. "I just, got a bit too excited there, that's all."

"So let's just forget about it," Jacob said as firmly as he could, though he knew how weak his voice was, along with his will.

"If that's what you want," Sampson said as the two of them got into Sampson's red sports car. Jacob wondered exactly what kind of car it was, but he didn't know enough about cars to be able to tell the difference between any two of them.

As Sampson started pulling out of the driveway, Jacob looked up into the sky, trying to think about what he'd done with the person in the same car as him. If he did, he was sure his mind would go to places it shouldn't and if that happened, what would stop the rest of his body from following along?

Word Count: 5332

Total: 24534

**A/N: **You know, characters really don't like doing what I want them too. I'm not sure if I already posted this, but thanks to Jackie/WoundedHearts for her medical knowledge of what happened to Sampson during the accident in the weight room.


	12. Chapter 12: The Road Back Home

**Chapter 12: The Road Back Home**

As the car traveled further down the street, Jacob stared back, seeing the lights of the house against the darkness of the night sky. From the faint lights shining above to the bright lights on the ground blinding those all around, one could almost forget for a moment it was night.

But still, as Sampson pulled out onto the country roads that led back to Charleston, the night seemed as apparent as ever, with the stars shining brighter, and the light of the crescent moon shining over them. It seemed so faint, hardly even there, but despite that, even when he couldn't see much light, he knew there was much more than he saw. And even so dark, it was still the brightest object in the sky.

Jacob looked forward, and couldn't help but notice Sampson in the corner of his eye. So far they hadn't said a word to each other, Jacob didn't know what to say. In fact, he wished that Sampson wasn't even here to make it easier to pretend this never happened.

But could never he forget.

He knew how it would be in his mind always, burned into his memory. He thought the party would help him forget the week, help him get away, but he knew that no matter what happened the events of the party would never fade away.

His body felt sick, his headache worse than ever. As the exits passed by him, he looked forward to nothing more than collapsing in bed, hoping this was only a dream he'd wake up for.

"You text Matt?" Sampson finally spoke up after what had to be ten minutes of silence.

"Oh," Jacob said flatly, pulling out is phone and scrolling through the contacts. "Thanks for reminding me." His stomach physically hurt at leaving Matt. It was rude to just walk out without saying anything; Matt could be worried about him, looking for him. He hoped it hadn't been long enough for Matt to miss him, but even so. He absentmindedly typed out the message, and put his phone back away.

"No problem," Sampson said as flatly as the rest of the conversation had been, if he could ever call it that.

Jacob squirmed a bit in his seat as they passed a small bump in the road. Could he just ignore it? Even if nothing else happened-

No, nothing else would happen.

He couldn't let it.

He had to stop it now.

But still…

"About tonight," Sampson said with a sigh. Jacob looked over to him. They'd have to have this conversation eventually, even if Jacob didn't want to.

But he didn't want to…

"Can we, not talk about it?" Jacob said looking down at the floor of the car. "Not now at least."

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm sorry about it though. Just after so long, I thought that maybe it's what you wanted."

It was. He couldn't say that out loud.

He enjoyed every second of it, but couldn't let anyone know.

Jacob squired again, wanting to get away, thinking for a second about jumping out of the car. But he couldn't escape, not now. He'd just put up with Sampson, and get over this whole…relationship? Whatever it was.

"But we can just move past it if you want. Man, maybe I shouldn't have had those beers."

"Wait, beers?"

"Yeah, they can make me to some pretty stupid things. At least last time I was able to blame the dog's tail turning pink on Mark, but this time," Sampson said shaking his head.

This meant that Sampson had been drinking tonight, and was now driving. At this, Jacob's eyes went wide. That was illegal, not to mention dangerous. But what could he say, or do? It was Sampson's car, and he was nice enough to give Jacob a ride.

And Sampson seemed to be driving fine, not swerving or anything. And even if this weren't okay, what would Jacob do? Tell Sampson to let him drive? He didn't even have his license. Have Sampson drop him off somewhere? And then what? Walk home?

No, that was just ridiculous.

But still, could he just wait here, do nothing?

Jacob sighed again.

"What's wrong? Don't worry, the paint was non-toxic, the dog was fine."

"No, not that."

"Then what?"

"You really shouldn't drive after drinking," Jacob said, not wanting to hide it any longer. Sure, Sampson might not like him saying it, but should he just lie and brush his convictions to the side?

"Oh that." Sampson stopped for a second, and Jacob decided to just let the conversation drop, hoping he'd get home before anything bad happened. "I didn't think I'd be driving this soon, but it was only a couple," Sampson said keeping his eyes focused forward.

"Oh, you didn't want to leave?" Jacob saw that this could mean he was the reason Sampson was driving like this. Still, he didn't approve of drinking at all, especially not driving any time after, but after a couple hours, the effects wouldn't be that bad.

"Don't worry about it. I'm fine, I know my limits."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I won't do anything stupid," Sampson said with a strange hint of seriousness. It seemed strange, Sampson pushed himself so hard he hurt himself, not caring about himself as he tried lifting more and more, but now he seemed concerned. "We'll be fine."

"Okay."

In a way Jacob admired Sampson's confidence. Believing in himself, no matter what it was he was doing. But he knew just as well the tragedies overconfidence could lead to.

He was trapped in a spinning circle of confusion, the strong protector, and the morals he knew. Could they be so wrong, what he trusted for so long, be just a lie?

Driving drunk was bad. One mistake could lead to disaster. But was Sampson so drunk as for this to be an issue? Just a little tipsy, was that so bad?

A romantic relationship with another guy was wrong. But the kiss felt so good. He knew his desires; he could feel them in his heart. This was what he wanted.

But he knew what the Bible said.

He'd heard the sermons, read the slogans.

He wondered through his thoughts, like a maze ever changing, every pathway leading further into a tangled mess of vines. He felt like he'd been slapped in the face, Fed the sweetest sugar of his life and then kneed in the gut, then left to rot there, to pick up the pieces of his shattered conscious and find the way back.

"What exit?" Sampson asked as they reached Charleston.

"Oh, second one from here."

"Same as mine. Where do you live?"

"On Rexandra, off Little Creek."

"Ah, I know where that is. Just down Beaver-view and up Broad is my house."

With that, Jacob led Sampson to his house, the event of the night pushed back to their memories. But as Jacob turned the key to enter his house, he knew that as with the rest of life, the event s of this night could not be undone.

Word Count: 1190


	13. Chapter 13: Questions

**Chapter 13: Questions**

He'd heard them raised before. What he was doing, why he was doing it. But as Jacob walked into his house, there was a new question; one he'd never thought he'd ask.

"So it's decided then," the voice called out as Jacob entered the house. He recognized the voice as Frances, one of the deacons. He looked behind him before he closed the door, a number of cars parked along the street that he hadn't noticed before. He walked into the kitchen, seeing his dad, Frances, Zeke, along with Ryan, Asher, Philip, and Neil, the entire staff of deacons.

"Hello?" Jacob hesitantly asked.

"Ah, Jacob, wasn't expecting you home this soon," his dad said. "Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Okay, then would you mind going up stairs while we finish up here."

"Uh, sure, that's fine." Jacob was grateful for this; he didn't really want to talk about the party with anyone, much less his dad. He knew there were some things he couldn't say, like that he kissed Sampson, or that a person who had been drinking drove him home, but still, what could he say? That it was bigger than he would have liked, that he wasn't feeling well? That could lead to worry or other questions that he wasn't in the mood for.

As Jacob went upstairs, he checked his breath, wondering if the stench of alcohol could have been on him too. He hadn't noticed it on Sampson, though at the time he had been occupied with… other things about the boy. It was possible that some of the smell could have transferred, but he couldn't let his dad think he was drinking. And there wasn't an option to say what had truly happened.

He went up to his room, turned the light on, and lay in his bed for a moment. He stared up at the ceiling, the white paint almost hypnotizing. He took a few breaths, thinking. He reached for a baseball that he set on the nightstand from a game many years ago and tossed it up in the air a few times thinking, resting, trying to take it all in.

It seemed so close, like it was happening. He could still feel Sampson's lips on his, the strong arms around him pulling him in close. He closed his eyes, letting his senses believe he wasn't in this bed alone.

But upon hearing a door closing downstairs, he was jolted out of his fantasy and his eyes opened, to discover the truth. He rolled over on his stomach, wondering if he should sleep. It wasn't even 8 yet, and while he wanted to get a good night's sleep, that was still far too early. If he went to bed now, he'd be wide awake at 5 in the morning. Not to mention that would make his dad worry about him, and he wanted to just avoid any suspicion that things were wrong.

He pulled his phone out thinking about texting Sampson. Even though, Jacob knew that doing so could only end badly. In a way, he wanted to put that behind him, but couldn't help but thinking where this could lead. Was there a choice he could make that would quell his feelings? He knew he felt this way, the attraction, the lust, dare he even say love? He'd kissed Leah once when they were dating, nothing special, heck, he was pretty sure he was a bad kisser. But it happened and it was over, then they broke up a week later. But with Sampson, he couldn't get the feeling out of his mind. Did that mean anything? Or just more about how messed up he was.

"God?" he started praying, not even sure where to start. Did God want to hear from him? He knew of God's unconditional love, but after tonight, was this even right? Even if those other people didn't see what he did, he couldn't hide from God. He knew every action, saw every movement, heard every thought. He couldn't keep secrets from God. "I just, don't know." What did he want, what did he need? Were these one in the same? Were the desire of heart the same as the desires of the soul?

Or were they so different, like a rope being torn between two sides. Which one would he help? Could the one side just go away? It seemed so simple in his head. What God declared was a sin he should avoid. Loving Sampson this way, that was a sin. So he had to avoid it.

But every time he closed his eyes to pray, Sampson's body came leaping from his memory. He thought back to touching him, seeing his sculpted abs, as Sampson stood over him. He heard the words, felt his body tingle with excitement again.

No, this surely wasn't so simple. "What do I do?" he asked, feeling the guilt wale on him, a sure sign something was wrong. He wanted answers, a clear path to take. Maybe to say the Lord's Prayer 10 times, go serve in the church for a few hours, do something nice for a stranger, then that would take the bad away.

But once more, Jacob knew the situation wasn't so simple. He set his phone down, but not before noticing the light flash on it. He picked it up and unlocked it, seeing he had a text from Matt.

'_I'm sorry man, are you okay?'_

'_Yeah, just got home. Gonna take something for my head and I should be better.'_

'_Aright. You gonna be there tomorrow?'_

'_Yeah, I will.'_

'_See u then.'_

Jacob locked the phone and set it back down. He had to admit, he didn't really want to go to practice tomorrow. He just wanted to sleep, not have to spend time worrying about making sure the music was perfect. Maybe if he wasn't feeling well, he could skip it. Surely he knew the songs well enough. But he knew his dad would frown upon that, and it would be wrong to fake being sick. Not to mention it would be even more wrong doing so to get away from church.

He went back to praying, though the words seemed so far from him. What did God want from him? To do what was right, but that was easier said than done. He turned onto his side, seeing his Bible placed on the nightstand. He hadn't read it for a while. Normally when he remembered to read the Bible, when he got up, it was online. Still, it told him that God wasn't far, that through the centuries he'd spoken many times through many people. He reached for it, flipping open to a random page* knowing that it wasn't the best way to study the Bible but Jacob didn't know where to start searching for the answers he wanted.

As the pages opened, he came upon the book of Lamentations, and decided to start at the start of chapter 3 which was a little bit down the page.

**3 ****[****1****]**I am the man who has seen affliction  
by the rod of the Lord's wrath.  
**2 **He has driven me away and made me walk  
in darkness rather than light;  
**3 **indeed, he has turned his hand against me  
again and again, all day long.

He thought about those words, was God's wrath really upon them? He felt like it, his heart torn in a hundred different directions. Was this the way of darkness, the way to destruction? Everything that had happened, the chaos all around him, was this a sign? It seemed like this week had just gotten worse and worse. Jacob thought back to the Bible studies he'd been in, thinking that this book was written by the prophet Jeremiah, obviously at a hard time in his life. Jacob wanted to say that he knew his own life wasn't so bad, he was so lucky, had so much. But he couldn't say he felt that way.

_**4 **__He has made my skin and my flesh grow old__  
__and has broken my bones.__  
__**5 **__He has besieged me and surrounded me__  
__with bitterness__and hardship.__  
__**6 **__He has made me dwell in darkness__  
__like those long dead._

The darkness around him, the party, the abandonment of morals. Was that the darkness he dwelled in, those spiritually dead? He felt besieged, by all the news around him, the questions, and the hardship. Where was the good, the hope he wanted to believe in so much?

_**7 **__He has walled me in so I cannot escape;__  
__he has weighed me down with chains.__  
__**8 **__Even when I call out or cry for help,__  
__he shuts out my prayer.__  
__**9 **__He has barred__my way with blocks of stone;__  
__he has made my paths crooked._

A crooked path, that seemed so true. Ironic, far from straight, just the way his romantic thoughts were going. Was this God's doing, his judgment? Would his prayers even be answered?

_**19 **__I remember my affliction and my wandering,__  
__the bitterness__and the gall.__  
__**20 **__I well remember them,__  
__and my soul is downcast__within me.__  
__**21 **__Yet this I call to mind__  
__and therefore I have hope:_

A downcast soul seemed so fitting. He knew that the writer lived thousands of years ago, so couldn't understand the chaos in Jacob's thoughts, but it seemed true. A different time, different place, and situation; but still the same truth. As he came to the last verse of the stanza, the pain of the author connecting so well with him, he wondered just what this hope was as he turned the page.

_**22 **__Because of the__Lord__'s great love__we are not consumed,__  
__for his compassions never fail.__  
__**23 **__They are new every morning;__  
__great is your faithfulness.__  
__**24 **__I say to myself, "The__Lord__is my portion;__  
__therefore I will wait for him."_

A compassion that never failed, he wondered how true that could be. He felt like he was consumed, but knew that he was short-sighted and couldn't see it all. In the morning, God would still be there, through the pain and the questions, God was still there. Even if he wasn't convinced now, he knew that the writer was in far worse than this.

_**37 **__Who can speak and have it happen__  
__if the Lord has not decreed it?__  
__**38 **__Is it not from the mouth of the Most High__  
__that both calamities and good things come?__  
__**39 **__Why should the living complain__  
__when punished for their sins?_

Jacob thought of his own sins, knowing the punishment he deserved. Should he complain if he brought this on himself? God was gracious to forgive, the never ending giver of second chances. Good and bad, both coming from God. The good, that was easy to understand from a loving father. The bad, that was harder. Could a loving God cause bad things to happen? Punishing the evil, a just God would do that.

_**40 **__Let us examine our ways and test them,__  
__and let us return to the__Lord__.__  
__**41 **__Let us lift up our hearts and our hands__  
__to God in heaven,__and say:__  
__**42 **__"We have sinned and rebelled__  
__and you have not forgiven._

As he read that final verse, he made it his prayer. He knew he had sinned, rebelled against what God wanted. But he asked for forgiveness, knowing how weak he was, how powerless he was to beg for this. But God withheld nothing to be able to answer that call. And as he lay in his room, tears flowing from his face, he almost felt a gentle hand upon his shoulder, telling him everything would be all right.

…

* I actually used to pick a random number and turned to that page in my Bible to get the passage. I didn't know what I'd get, but it seems to fit this story really well. Also, unless otherwise noted, all Bible passages are taken from the NIV translation likely from

Word Count: 1956

TTL: 28,644


	14. Chapter 14: A New Day

**Chapter 14**: A New Day

For Jacob, not much had gone as he would have planned it. The struggles at church, Sampson's injury, the encounter with Sampson. None of it seemed right and he didn't know how it ever could. That Saturday though, despite the chaos that he'd like to forget from the night before, when he awoke the world seemed calm and serene. He looked outside, seeing the wind blow through the few leaves left of fall. A chill rang through his room as he got out from under the blankets telling him that the seasons were changing soon. And he felt energized, having gotten enough sleep.

He'd expected to dream about the kiss, the nightmares of where it could have gone, both the pain and pleasure of it. But no, what little he could remember from his dreams involved pizza, and Batman. He couldn't be sure the details, but they didn't matter. Getting out of bed, he didn't feel the desire to get back in bed to sleep more. No, this time he was rested, ready to face what the world brought his way.

As he went downstairs, he could smell breakfast cooking. The smell of bacon on the skillet instantly telling him how hungry he was. As he rounded the corner he saw his dad cooking, surprised because it was normally his mom who did the cooking. "Morning Dad," he said.

"I wondered when you'd be up Jacob." Jacob turned to the clock on the microwave and saw it was already 10AM.

"Wow, I guess I really did sleep in."

"Nothing wrong with that from time to time. If you want some pancakes too, get the package out of the fridge."

"All right."

"Your Mom ended up having to work late again last night. She finally got home about 4."

"Why?"

"Something about one of her patients showing bad EEG signs, so she had to make sure he was in good hands before she left."

"Was he okay?"

"The doctor said he'd be. She didn't say much else."

Jacob got out a plate to microwave the pancakes, a nice restful breakfast, something he hadn't had in a while. With school it was usually something he could eat quickly, on the run while he left, if he even got time for that. You could only get up so early and still be functional in school, but even then he had a habit of having trouble staying awake for his first few classes.

Jacob sat at the table waiting for the food to cook. "What were the other deacons doing here last night?"

"Some business related to the church. We had decided to meet in private at our homes to prevent people from overhearing what's going on. We don't want false rumors to spread."

A concealment of information, deals made in back rooms. It seemed like those old business leaders, keeping the common people blind to the truth. Still, secrecy was important at times. Some things were best kept hidden, but Jacob couldn't help wondering if all these secrets were necessary. After all it was one thing to not tell the church every little thing said, but to have to hide their meetings? He couldn't be sure about that.

"What about?" Jacob asked, wondering how much he could learn. He figured it wouldn't be much, the secrets had to be kept even from family. But maybe he could at least get a clue.

His dad brought their food over and took a seat. He massaged his temples thinking of an answer. "Some recent financial concerns. And well, of course the recent events with Pastor Green." Jacob could see how much stress this was putting on his dad. He could barely remember the day Pastor Green joined them, about 10 years ago. He had grown to be the foundation of their church family, the one who represented them to the rest of the world. Jacob had spent time talking with him over the years, with questions he had, or just when Pastor Green wanted to see how he was doing.

"What's going to happen to him?"

"We can't say for sure at this moment." He knew that was code for 'I do know but we're not able to tell anyone yet.' It hadn't been the first time Jacob had heard it, so he knew that was the end of getting information. "What time do you have band practice today?"

Jacob could tell that was an intentional change of the subject. So he pushed aside his desire to get more information. He might be able to one of these days, and maybe he'd find out just what was discussed in the church's time. "Noon, so we still have time."

"And when do you need picked back up?"

"Not sure. It's going to be a long practice to get ready for tomorrow, so until we either think we have it all or it gets too late."

"All right. I should be around the house most of the day so just give me a call."

They ate the rest of the meal in silence, Jacob wondering if the questions about the party the night before would come up. Though it looked to him that his dad didn't seem to even remember it. Though with all the other things going on, that didn't surprise Jacob. After finishing his breakfast, he went back upstairs, and got ready for practice after watching a little TV.

…

The church seemed so much brighter than it did last time he was here, and not just because it was a bright day instead of at night. Still, the cold wind blowing by him invigorated him before he walked inside, the warmth of the church welcoming him.

As he walked from the main entrance to the youth room down the hall, he spotted several of their cleaning crew getting the building ready for the weekend's services.

He saw Matt along with his brother Ben in the youth room as he entered. "Hey, you guys are here early," Jacob said.

"Yeah, talked to Ben this morning and he said he wanted to see if he could help us out," Matt said, "He'd played guitar some, so I figured he might enjoy helping us."

Jacob understood all too well what that meant. Another issue with their parents that Matt wanted to get Ben away from. And even if it wasn't the total truth, Ben was a decent guitar player, and even if it wasn't, Jacob was more than happy to have him here. After all, if the church wasn't a safe place for people to go, then what good was it?

"Yeah, it's great to have you here Ben," Jacob said.

"Thanks, I hope I don't cause you guys to mess up though."

"I'm sure we'll mess up on our own enough," Matt said. "Are you feeling better than last night?"

"For the most part, sorry I had to leave the party last night."

"It's fine, things happen."

Jacob sighed. He wanted to tell Matt what really happened there, maybe he'd understand what he was going through. But with his brother around, that just wouldn't work. And even if Ben wasn't here, he didn't know how Matt would take it. They never talked about homosexuality, it just wasn't brought up. Maybe once every couple years, the church would discuss it, maybe in the light of current events, but after that nobody mentioned it, as if those struggles never existed. Jacob wondered if anyone else had gone through what he did. The attraction, the desires, and actually fulfilling them.

Or was he as alone as he felt?

"We want to get practice started soon," Jacob said, trying to move away from the worries of the night before. Just forget all about it; get wrapped up in other things and move on.

"Need to wait for the rest of the band to get here first."

"Oh right," Jacob said a bit sheepishly.

Matt got off the stage and walked over to Jacob. He placed his hand on Jacob's shoulder and looked him in the eye. "Are you doing okay?"

Jacob sighed. He thought he hid the pain and doubt so well. The fact of what had happened no one could know. But could Matt see through it? See the pain, the doubt, the desire for another guy.

Jacob pulled away and walked over to one of the couches, sitting down as Matt followed him. He placed his head in his hands. "That… text I sent you last night."

"What about it?"

"It was a lie."

"Oh? What really happened?"

"I was confused, and well, some things happened." His words were uneven, stuttering just a bit. He didn't know what he was doing. Could he really tell Matt the truth? Would that ruin everything, his relationship with his friends, the church, and his family? If Matt told the rest of the church, he couldn't imagine the consequences for his life or for the plot of the story.

"What things?" Matt asked.

It was too late now, he had to say something. "Well, I was sitting outside trying to get away from everything, and Sampson found me out there."

"Let me guess, he offered you a beer?"

"What makes you say that?"

"I saw him earlier with a couple in his hand. He asked if I wanted one which I refused of course, and then he asked if I knew where you were." Jacob could tell from Matt's voice that he didn't like Sampson. Sure, they knew each other, seemed to tolerate one another, but especially after hearing that, Jacob knew there wasn't anything more than that.

"Yeah, that's what it was," Jacob said with a sign. It was a lie, but it was safer than the truth.

"It seems strange he'd take you home after that. And really, you should have known he was drinking too." Jacob sensed the stare coming from Matt.

"I guess I wasn't thinking straight then," Jacob said. Which after what had happened, he'd say was quite true. "He seemed to feel guilty and I wanted to get out of there, so it didn't seem like such a bad idea."

"Well, don't go with him if he's like that again. If you wanted to go home, you could have just asked, I wouldn't have minded."

"All right, I'll remember that," Jacob said. As he looked up, he saw Mary, Snoopy and John walking into the room, and checking his watch saw it was just about 12:30, so time for them to get started. He smiled, ready to just play music and not have to think about all those messy details. He got up from the couch and walked over to the stage, getting his guitar and sorting all the music sheets.

"What are we going to start with today?" he asked.

"Let's start with one of the older ones to get warmed up. 'It Is Well,' seems like a good place to start.

With that, Jacob found the right song and adjusted his guitar accordingly. While it was an older song, he still enjoyed the power of the lyrics in it. It may have had the powerful rhythm of the guitar and drums, but in a way that made it better. The power came from the lyrics, the instruments just adding a finishing touch to it. Many of the newer songs seemed to derive so much power from the instruments that the lyrics lost all importance. The beauty of music was that it took both, the harmony of the instruments and the words of poetry to bring them together creating something new.

"So what do you think about ending on 'Master Storyteller?'" Snoopy asked.

"I don't think we're ready to try pulling that one off," Matt said.

"Not to mention it might scare off some of the older people there," Mary added. While Jacob liked music like that, he wasn't sure a church wide celebration was the best time to start playing power metal, even if it was still Christian music. He'd have to save that for other times.

…

Several songs passed, the melodies coming together. Still a bit rough, a few missed notes, getting out of synch with the others, but the time they had spent with each other had helped. Ben had picked up their rhythm quickly, obviously knowing the songs beforehand. "Move onto 'Never Once'?" Matt suggested after they had finished 'It is Well.'

"Sounds good." It was one of the newer songs they had performed, one that he was sure most of the church didn't know. Heck, Jacob hadn't even remembered all the words and he'd been preparing this song for a few weeks. But with this came a freshness to the song, something he didn't know by heart, and as he started singing the song and strumming the cords, he thought about their meaning, the hope they gave and the truth of their words.

_Standing on this mountaintop__  
__Looking just how far we've come__  
__Knowing that for every step__  
__You were with us_

He had accomplished much, through the church, and through school. Maybe not always at the top of his class, but when someone had a question about school, Jacob was the one they came to. He knew it wasn't his hard work that got him there, he had a gift for learning, able to put the pieces together so the lessons came easy to him. It wasn't his own power that did it; it was God's gift. Even in music, able to see beyond just the words and enjoy, he was able to create his own music, piece together the different parts and make something new.

_Kneeling on this battle ground__  
__Seeing just how much You've done__  
__Knowing every victory__  
__Was Your power in us_

There were still the battles, the challenges. But through everything he'd been through, the power to achieve wasn't just his own. And that gave him hope, that despite his own failures that were to come, it wasn't his power he was relying on. Knowing God was with him made every problem he saw so insignificant.

_Scars and struggles on the way__  
__But with joy our hearts can say__  
__Yes, our hearts can say_

Even as he praised God, the mention of struggles made him think of other things. What he had done with Sampson, what his mind wanted him to do. He thought about Matt and Ben, the scars they bore from their parents divorce. But hearing Ben's voice singing, the joy in it, now that was the power of God. He was able to heal this pain. Even as he ran here for shelter, there was something worth praising God for.

_Never once did we ever walk alone__  
__Never once did You leave us on our own__  
__You are faithful, God, You are faithful_

No matter what happened, Jacob knew this to be true. Even when he doubted, when he messed up, when he hurt and cried, God's faithfulness overcame it all. The pain was only for a time, the doubt only for a season, and the sin only for a lifetime. But through the struggles God was there. Caught in the ecstasy of worship, nothing mattered but God.

But he wondered how long until his sight returned to these insignificant things.

_Every step we are breathing in Your grace__  
__Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise__  
__You are faithful, God, You are faithful_

__But that was the great thing about God's love. It didn't matter how much sin there was, the sinner could repent and come back to God. The faithfulness of God wasn't dependent on that of man; otherwise, there wouldn't be any hope.

As they came to the end of the song, Jacob could tell they still had work to do, he knew he messed up several notes, and near the end started to fall behind the rest of the band. However, the chance to encounter the words again made him not mind having to redo the song.

…

After a few more hours of practice, Jacob had the songs running through his head blended together in a way that would make a techno remix sound like it made sense. But the words kept assuring him that things would be all right, even if his mind would jump from lyrics constructed this year to hundreds of years ago.

With most of the band gone, Jacob was packing up some of their instruments, that way they'd be able to move it out to the stage for the big party tomorrow. He couldn't believe that they were celebrating the church's 30th anniversary. That was longer than he'd been alive, and he hoped that the church would carry on after his death as well.

"So we're going home after this?" Jacob heard Ben ask Matt while the brothers were disconnecting the computers. Jacob could tell Ben was disappointed, and could only wonder the things they had been through. It seemed so wrong; Ben was such a nice kid to be caught in all this. Jacob didn't know him well, but of what he did, he knew how passionate Ben was about anything he got into. He wasn't one to just sit back and let things pass him by but would throw himself into whatever it was.

"Yeah, I have some stuff I have to work on tonight, so we can't go anywhere."

"Okay." Jacob could barely hear the sigh coming from Ben.

"I have to go set these extra cords back in the tech room, I'll be back in a few," Matt said winding up several Ethernet cables, trying to keep them as straight as possible so that they wouldn't get tangled before leaving the room. Though that normally didn't do much good, they always seemed to be a tangled mess.

"Anything I can do to help?" Ben asked walking over to Jacob.

"I think we have it, thank you though." As Jacob finished putting things away, Ben's eyes looked around for something he could put away, but at this point it was just putting small things back that Ben didn't recognize.

"Thank you for letting me come today," Ben said.

"It was good to have you. I'm sure you'd be able to join the band on a more permanent basis if you want."

"Thanks, but I don't think Dad would let me," Ben said taking a seat at the edge of the stage.

"Why not?"

"Says he doesn't want it to mess with my grades. I don't know; it just doesn't make sense. But he doesn't like it when I get doing other things, saying it will mess with my priorities or something. I dunno."

"That's pretty messed up," Jacob said shaking his head sitting down beside Ben. "I mean, I do fine in school, and play here." Jacob couldn't help but think about his parent's encouragement to get involved in church, and to play instruments. In fact, his dad was ecstatic when Jacob told him he wanted to play guitar a few years back. But he wondered how he would have reacted if his dad had been less supportive. He loved seeing his parents cheer him on, whether it was school or anything else he had done.

"Maybe you could try convincing him. Doubt it would do any good though," Ben said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"You're with your mom this week, aren't you?"

Ben nodded. "I'd actually rather be with Dad. At least I know what to expect with him." Ben shook his head, shivering a bit.

Was this really hurting him so much? Jacob couldn't imagine his parents like that. They both loved him, were always there for each other, and for him. Sure, there were disagreements, other ways of seeing things, but he never imagined his family splitting. He didn't know the pain that would cause him.

"Mom, I just don't know with her. She doesn't care as much about what I do. Sometimes she's really sweet, tries to make me happy and feels hurt if I don't want to talk with her. But those other times she'll start drinking and then, there's no telling. I try to stay in my room then if I can't go out. I think those times she's so nice is just trying to make up for it."

"Wow, I'm so sorry," Jacob said, at a loss. What words could he give at a time like this?

"It's not your fault," Ben said with a gentle smile. "Coming here actually really helped. I almost forgot about her for a little bit. And Matt really tries to take me out somewhere when things get too bad. They don't always like him doing things, but he says he's 18 so doesn't have to listen to them."

Jacob knew Matt was stronger. Matt was the type of person who knew what he believed in and would defend that no matter what.

"He'll be gone next year though," Ben said. "And there were a couple times where they were arguing, and he ended up running away for the night, sometimes even for a couple days."

"Oh wow."

"He'd come back and they'd say they were sorry, but they didn't really mean it. Those nights when he was gone were the worst. Sometimes I'd be so scared just lock myself in my room for the night."

"You thought they were going to hurt you?"

"The one night I really thought Mom was going to. She got really drunk and started yelling and throwing stuff. Matt had had to physically hold her back a couple times, but that time when he was gone, so, I didn't know." Jacob could see the tears forming in Ben's eyes. No one should have to live with that. Home was supposed to be where they were safe, didn't have to fear parents but be supported by them. How did Matt live with that and not tell him? But Jacob supposed even best friends kept secrets. It was sometimes easier that way.

"You're always welcome at my house if you need it."

"Thanks," Ben said, and Jacob could swear he saw some of the stress come off of Ben.

"I mean it. Just call or show up if it gets that bad. I'm sure my parents won't mind if they find out why."

"But… can you not tell them about this?" Ben asked sheepishly.

"Why?"

"If it gets out, I'm afraid of what could happen to Mom. I've heard about the police and them coming, and well she'll be even madder if that happens." Ben gulped and shuddered. Jacob closed his eyes, feeling hatred for Ben's parents. How could they be like that? So heartless, so unloving? What kind of family was this?

What could Jacob do for a friend that was going through this? And despite Matt seeming to be so strong, he knew the same things were going through his mind. Offer a little bit of help, someone to talk to and a house when things got too bad and offer a few prayers, but would that do much?

Jacob put his hand on Ben's shoulder. "If there's anything I can do to help," he said with a sigh, wondering just what he could offer.

"Okay."

"You ready to go Ben?" Matt asked as he came back into the room.

"Yeah."

With that Ben and Matt left the church, and Jacob found himself waiting for his dad to get there. He realized he'd never called him to tell him practice was over. So he pulled out his phone to call home. As he waited for his dad to pick up, he saw the paintings all around the youth room. Some showing Jesus, teaching his followers, healing the sick, and carrying the cross to Calvary. They seemed so different, but all the same purpose. Jacob couldn't imagine Jesus suffering like that. He had heard different things, that being God he knew from the beginning and accepted that, but still prayed for the Father to take it away. As he thought he prayed for Ben, that God would take that pain from him.

**WC: 3907**

Total: 32641

**A/N**: I'm really interested in this sub-plot with Matt and Ben with their parents. If this was earlier in the story, I might make that the focus, but it's too late now, and I still want the focus to be on Jacob's struggles with faith and his relationship with Sampson. Still, I've thought of a way to tie this sub-plot into the climax. Also, the song here was Never Once by Matt Redman. The song Master Storyteller is by Theocracy, one of my favorites. If you want a YouTube link to it, ask, but the band doesn't want that song to be up public on youtube yet.

I think that's all. We'll start showing more of Sampson in the next couple chapters, along with another character.

Also, as of publishing this, I have hit over 46k words, and just finished writing chapter 21 last night. However, to allow my readers to catch up, along with my beta, I'm not posting everything right away.


	15. Chapter 15: Choices

**Chapter 15: Choices**

As the road passed him by, his mind couldn't stop thinking about Ben and his family. The way it seemed to go against everything he thought he knew about family. To be loved and accepted, that was what the home. Not a place where he'd be afraid of physical harm.

"Are you okay Jacob?" his dad asked as they turned another corner on the road home.

"Yeah, just tired," he lied. His stomach felt just a little sick, like something was bubbling in it. His heart felt like it had been jabbed and twisted, while his mind wrestled with the questions. What could he do? He remembered Ben telling him not to tell anyone else, but was that really best? He wanted to get Ben out of that, and Matt too, but what could he really do? He thought about the police, their child protection services could step in. But what if that didn't work? What if they didn't find enough evidence? And the way it sounded, his mom seemed so unstable that it would make things even worse.

Was all he could do is just pray, and hope Ben would make it through it all right?

"You sure?"

"Yeah, just a lot's been happening lately," Jacob said, "It just, I don't know, takes a lot out of me."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," Jacob said leaning his head against the seat. What could he say? Would they understand about any of it? His parents always said he could tell them anything, but was that really true? Would they see him differently if they saw the truth? If they saw his thoughts beneath his actions, the desires that he couldn't let anyone see. Or the prayers that he said for his friends, how would they react to know the stories that couldn't be told?

"Well, if you ever do…" Jacob tuned out the rest of it, letting his thoughts go elsewhere while the car took him home. Judging by the sun just over the horizon, he would have guessed he was at practice for about four hours by the time they went through their set a few times and got everything packed up. Weekends seemed to go by so fast; as soon as they started they were over, especially when he had all this other stuff going on during them. Jacob nodded as the words went by him, and after a short time found himself back at home.

He got out of the car, the coolness of nightfall already in the air. He saw a few leaves along the driveway that led up to the house, the last remnants of the summer now fallen. But with the winter and the death it brought, the spring would bring forth new life and the cycle would continue again. It was funny in a way, the inconsistencies of man in contrast to the certainty of nature.

Opening the door to his home, he went inside and up to his room. He was pretty sure he could hear his parents exchanging words of worry downstairs, but figured he'd be better soon and then things would go back to normal. Everything always did, sure change would come, but then it seemed normal, pain would come, but then leave, that's the way life always seemed to work.

As he opened up his laptop to check his email, he noticed his phone buzzing so got it out, seeing he needed to charge it. As he did so, he noticed the light was blinking, telling him he had a text. Unlocking his phone, he saw it was Sampson, from over three hours ago.

_I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to do something you didn't want_

Jacob smiled a bit. He expected to feel relieved, that Sampson seemed to be letting it go. But it wasn't that, in a way he wondered why Sampson would let him go so easily. Was he not worth it?

Jacob realized that wasn't what he should be thinking now. A relationship with Sampson was completely out of the question.

But… how to respond?

Should he ignore it?

No, that would be rude. Sampson deserved at least an answer.

Should he make it clear he didn't want anything more? End the friendship if that's what it took?

But… he didn't want to. Sampson was a good friend, was there for him, and was fun to hang out with. Their relationship wasn't just an attraction to each other. Was it worth throwing it all away?

But then what should he do?

_It's okay_

That seemed so meaningless to answer all the questions Sampson had. But what else could he say?

_Did you feel anything?_ Sampson replied a few minutes later.

Jacob sighed. Could he lie, push it to the side? Could he even make himself believe the lie?

But he couldn't forget… the kiss, the passion, everything.

_Yes_

He knew what he did with that simple message. He couldn't say he was confused in that moment and just went with it. No, he felt something, wanted something.

_So what do you want to do?_

The question came, the question he'd been asking himself for so long. He couldn't know for sure. Was his answer about the relationship being wrong enough? Was it really true? Those Bible verses said so, but was it really that simple? He'd heard them before, Leviticus, Corinthians, Romans, several places. The commands seemed so clear from what he remembered. But were they?

The Bible was true.

That much he believed.

He imagined Sampson's arms around him, their lips locked, and the joy of being with him.

He wanted Sampson.

That much he knew.

Was that a sin?

_I don't know_

The honest words he sent gnawed at him, the truth in them far more powerful than he wanted to believe. He wanted to think he could always do what was right without a second thought. But why did wrong feel right?

_Are you scared what people will think?_

Yeah, that was part of it. He'd heard the stories, even in this city, of those who were beat up for being gay. He remembered that news story from a year or two back when they found that girl's body in a back alley. They never caught who killed her, but there were those among the LGBT community that said it was a hate crime, that the police covered up because they knew it.

If he was, going to tell them, which he wasn't, but if he did… yeah that terrified him. His friends, family, strangers, school. There was no telling what they'd think.

Not that he was going to let them know.

But if he did…

Was it worth it to care though? Was it not enough to be right before God? Compared to that, what did it matter what the world thought?

Except… he lived in the world. He had to deal with what they said, what they did. Even if he didn't want to agree with them, this was the world he lived in. Many times, there wasn't much love to go around. He could see this was a land of confusion. And this confusion had him wrapped up in it.

He heard the call for dinner, and put the phone back down, letting it charge. Though if he was honest with himself, it was because he wanted to get away from the question he didn't have an answer to. All around him these questions seemed to scream. Those he didn't want to consider the option beyond the doxology he had been taught, and so simply believed.

…

Dinner seemed to pass by Jacob, with the conversations floating by. He heard the words, about Dad's concerns about the church, something about college football Jacob couldn't care about. And then Mom mentioned something about Thanksgiving plans with her aunt whose name Jacob never seemed to remember. It wasn't his fault he couldn't remember the names of people he only saw once every year or so. He just nodded and ate, giving a general word of agreement if any questions were directed toward him. The occasional time where they asked about his day he just gave a generic good response, and then the conversation moved on. It seemed so simple, so distinct. He thought about his classes for a brief second, searching for a safe discussion topic, but he couldn't help thinking about Sampson, in ways he knew he shouldn't. But if it wasn't just something he could so easily forget, then should he?

Why was this so confusing?

Love was supposed to be simple, he'd meet a girl, fall in love, and then they'd live happily ever after. Wasn't that what all the fairy tale's said? That was where he'd find happiness. Sure, he knew that was overly simplistic, but he never heard a fairy tale where prince charming wasn't sure if it was morally right to fall in love, or that he could fall in love with a guy. No, that was just silliness.

Still, what would he do?

This was his life.

"Do you not like the chicken?" Jacob heard his mom ask.

"Um, it's fine." He took a bite of it, tasting the food for the first time of the meal. Heck, if his mom hadn't asked him, he probably couldn't have told her what he was eating.

"You don't seem to be eating as fast as normal. Are you feeling okay?"

"Just not that hungry I guess."

"You eat something at church?" his dad asked.

"No," Jacob said shaking his head. "Guess my stomach doesn't feel quite right." That much was true, his stomach was in knots, like someone reached into his stomach and tied up his intestines, and then for fun, rewired his liver around his lungs. Maybe that's why he felt like this.

No, he knew it was more than a physical ache, it was emotional, a conflicted heart, a confused spirit. Sadly there weren't any useful medicines, where he could just take a couple pills and then take a nap and be perfect by morning.

"When did you start feeling like this?" his mom asked.

That wasn't really easy to answer. Feeling like what, like he'd been punched? Like all those things he took for certain had been crushed? "A couple days I guess," Jacob said scooping up some mashed potatoes on his spoon and taking a bite. He took a drink of water, hoping that it could wash this conflict away, but simple water couldn't do any good.

"Well, maybe we should take you to the doctor," his mom suggested, "Or I could take a look at you after dinner."

He wondered if his mom could see it, or if she was blind as the rest of them. No one saw what he wanted to hide, the questions, the answers he dared to consider. "No, I'll be fine." Things weren't simple black and white. He wanted to believe in a truth he could know, but what if it wasn't there. What if it wasn't knowable just like that.

"You mind if I excuse myself and go lay down?" Jacob asked.

"Are you sure you're okay?" his dad asked. Even when Jacob was sick, it rarely affected his appetite.

"Just put your plate on the counter, I'll wrap it up for you if you want it later," his mom said.

"Thanks."

With that Jacob slowly went upstairs. He thought about the day, when he was worshiping, when all the struggles seemed so far away. He thought about the song 'Never Once', his favorite from the set. Were these the struggles the song predicted? Was God still here?

Of course, God was everywhere, knew everything, that's who God was.

Jacob slowly ascended the staircase, feeling like it was a mountain he was climbing. Each step pushed his legs further, made him ache more.

Why did he feel this way?

Was it simply his confusion?

Did he not want to face Sampson's message, knowing he'd have to give an answer?

Maybe.

After what seemed like so long, he made it back to his room, and closed the door behind him. He even turned the lock, something he normally didn't do. He couldn't say exactly why, but he didn't want his parents to know. They couldn't know.

He opened the phone back up, seeing a new message from Sampson

_Are you there?_

_Sorry, had dinner_

_Any good?_

_It was okay_

_So what do you want to do?_

There was that question again. Lost in a whirlwind of confusion, doubt and fear, he searched for the words that would make his thoughts clear. But if such words did exist, he found them replaced by tears, questions, and no answers in sight.

_Can you let me think about it a while? _Jacob responded. Maybe in time he'd know for sure. Figure out what he wanted and what was right.

_Sure. I just don't want you to not do something you want to._

A few seconds later, he also got a text saying, _If you don't want to do anything more with me that's fine. Just let it be your choice, not what you think someone else would think. Remember, the only person you truly have to contend with is yourself._

Jacob sighed, knowing his mind had been repeating the same things for so long, just going in circles, but it didn't matter. That was what he knew, the questions and part of the answers. But if he didn't reply and tell Sampson he couldn't do this, then really, what did it matter? He could live with those questions, but if he could know nothing would come of them… then that was okay. But, what if he wanted something to happen?

_Just tell me what you want._

What did he want?

Not what his parents wanted, his friends wanted, but what he wanted. Had he ever thought of it that way, beneath all the connections, in his soul, what did he want? Because they seemed like vague words that had no connection in reality, what did he want?

_I want to be with you, but I can't._

He wasn't sure why he typed those words, but his body hit the keys and the send button before his mind could tell him if that was a bad idea. But truth flowed so freely, so openly, that was its power. And the power of words is that they can't be taken back.

_Why not?_

Jacob could feel his heart beating, like it was about to jump out of his chest and slap him in the face. Could he explain his reasons? Could he explain not what his heart wanted, but just the opposite of it?

_Can we actually meet to talk about it?_

Was he stalling to figure out his reasoning? Or stalling to justify his desire? As he rested the phone on his desk, he couldn't be sure. There was something in him that told him either could be true. Was this what it meant to be star crossed lovers, to want something but know you can't have it?

_Yeah. Tomorrow good?_

_I'm playing guitar for a church thing that ends at 3, so after that we can._

_K, see you there._

Jacob sighed, thinking about all the ways this was a bad idea. Why was he even letting Sampson entertain the idea? It wasn't like they were going to end up going out. That would just be wrong. He had to make that clear when they met. He should have just done it now. He reached his hand out to the phone again, debating if he should tell Sampson that now. It might hurt, but it was better to do so now. So he picked up his phone again.

_Sorry, but I can't do anything more with you. Just forget about meeting_.

He sent that message again before he could think and then set the phone on the table and walked away. Jacob could feel a couple tears in his eyes as he did so. But he knew what he did was right.

**WC: 2687**

**Total: 35170**


	16. Chapter 16: Faithful

**Chapter 16**: **Faithful**

Sunday morning,

The dawn of a new week,

The ending of a weekend.

On this day millions gather to worship,

Others take it as their own day of rest,

But still many see no difference, pay no heed the command of holiness.

But perhaps, it's at this moment, these are the holy ones.

Or perhaps, more sadly, the call of holiness has been forgotten among the centuries of traditions.

Be holy.

Be set apart.

Be different.

The world works in its ways.

Of judgment, and fear. Of politics, and meaningless traditions.

Does this seem so different than the people who fill pews on Sunday morning?

Sad, isn't it.

It's not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick.

But the truly sick are those who can't see how sick they are.

A dying man may seek a physician and live.

But for those blind to their disease, there is no hope.

…

At the crack of dawn, Eli awoke from his slumber. Rested and excited for all the day would hold. To gather in worship, to be fed the mighty word of God. The words that held the power of life, ones that in this dark world he knew he needed to survive.

He got his alarm silenced within seconds, getting up and making his way to the bathroom, knowing that on a day like this, he wanted to come to God, in his Sunday best, dressed up as much he could be. It was the least he could do for the God who gave him so much. He was going to enter the house of the most high, and entering such a holy placed deserved his highest respect.

…

A while later in the day, Jacob awoke to the sound of his alarm blaring. He reached his arm out from under the covers and searched for the source of the annoying noise, hitting several objects in the process before doing something that made the noise stop. A small voice in his brain told him he needed to get up soon. Another voice wanted him to finish the dream, something about explosions and finding out that Henry and Austin were aliens demanded his attention. He just hoped Nick took enough notes to remember everything.*

…

At the crack of noon, Sampson was jolted out of bed by what sounded like explosions, gunfire and women screaming. He started to fall out of bed, caught by his sheets, though half his body was hanging off the side of the bed. Hearing more gunfire, he bolted up and threw his door open, wondering just what was going on. Upon racing down the stairs, he saw it was nothing more than his mom watching an action movie on their big screen with the sound turned up on her surround sound.

"Hey Sampson, want some popcorn," she said offering him a bowl.

He looked at the TV confused for a moment and then back to his mom.

"What the hell is this?"

"Popcorn, butter, salt, all that unhealthy stuff."

"No, that!" Sampson said pointing to the TV.

"Oh, you're saying that I can't watch a movie on my day off."

"Not when I'm trying to sleep!" Sampson said throwing his hands up in the air.

"Come on, it's noon. Sit down and have some fun. Besides, I know you know that Christian Bale is pretty hot."

"Yeah, I guess he is," Sampson said deciding there was no use trying to sleep now when the next action scene would just blast him out of bed again. "How far into the movie are you?"

"Bout an hour."

"All right, then I have to go."

"What's going on?"

"Going to go talk to a friend about some stuff."

"This your boyfriend, Jason, or whoever it was."

"It's Jacob, and he's not my boyfriend. At least not yet," Sampson said with a sigh as he sat on the couch.

"So you're going to change that."

"Try to anyway. He's always hanging around those religious kids and church, so he seems so scared to admit what he's feeling."

"How do you know he feels about you that way? I mean, we don't want a repeat of the Tom Goodmaw incident. Well, unless I get this one on film…"

"Someone doesn't kiss like that and not feel anything."

"You'd be surprised what some guys would do to get in a young hot girl's pants."

"Which obviously you aren't speaking from experience," Sampson replied sarcastically. "Besides, I know Jacob isn't like that. He's just confused, that's all."

"Yeah, yeah. Hell, if you can find a guy who's that into you, go for it. If you two are happy, then who gives a damn what other people think. No telling when you're find another guy that into you."

…

Though the sun had yet to rise, Eli was already at his church, helping with the last minute cleaning details. Carpets were cleaned and vacuumed, the sanctuary was spotless, and the floors polished.

"You want to light the candles, Eli?" Pastor Trevor asked as he emerged from his office carrying his Bible.

"I would be honored to Pastor."

Eli went to the storage room to gather the ladder and the lighters, nearly tripping over a shovel that was sitting near the entrance. "What's that doing there?" he said, kicking the offensive tool to the side.

He went back to the sanctuary, placing the ladder alongside the wall, and climbing the rungs, to reach the candles that adorned the interior. While the sanctuary had lamps around the room to give it light, it had been a tradition to worship by candlelight, to remind them of their dependence on God for light, and not the light they created with technology. The flickering light also reminded the congregation that there were stepping into a holy place.

Eli said a prayer each time he lit a candle, as he moved along the different sections of the walls, and also as he brought the ladder to the center to light the chandeliers that hung overhead. While the large ceilings were lovingly made fitting for a place of worship, this was the only time he didn't like them, always having to climb nearly to the top of the ladder to reach the wicks. This wasn't an easy task, especially for someone as short as he was. He steadied himself as he reached the top step, balancing the heavy lighter in one hand, as it gave him just enough height to light the candles that hung there.

"Excellent work," Pastor Trevor said walking into the sanctuary, admiring the glow, as Eli was getting down.

"It was my honor to serve."

Pastor Trevor then walked over and helped Eli collapse the ladder, and after he settled his Bible in his suit pocket, also helped Eli return the ladder to storage. As they walked through the church, Eli noticed a few people were making their way into the church. Mostly volunteers, but a few older couples who had been long time members were also there. Through the church doors, Eli could see the cloudy day outside.

"It sure looks dark out there," Eli said.

"It is an omen. We live in dark times Eli," the pastor said as they continued making their way through the church. "This is a society that have turned their backs on God and his moral law. It is only a matter of time before this nation and world face the judgment of God that they so deserve."

Eli nodded in solemn agreement. All the people of God could do was to be a light to the darkness, though it seemed like with every passing the day the darkness grew stronger with godlessness growing more prevalent. "Do you think it will change?"

"In one way or another, it will; either through a revival of truth, or a judgment from almighty God. I pray earnestly for the former, but the wickedness of this generation is so great that I can't see anything but the hand of God cleansing this sin."

The two of them made their way to the storage, placing the ladder near the back of it around the various other supplies that seemed to overflow from this small room. As the two of them left, Eli stepped on the shovel he had tripped over earlier. The handle of it shot up, nearly hitting him in the back of the head. The shock of it flying up caused him to jump and bump his arm on the door as he left the room.

"Are you okay?" the pastor asked.

"Yes Sir, I'll be fine," Eli said rubbing his forearm where he had hit it. "Probably be a bruise later." He couldn't know for sure now because his suit covered his arm.

"This could hurt someone if we're not careful," Pastor Trevor said setting it up out of the way while Eli walked away, seeing if there was anything else he could do for the church.

…

"Jacob wake up!" a strong voice called forcing him out of his slumber.

Jacob struggled awake, wondering what the big deal was. The alarm had just gone off a few minutes ago, and after hitting snooze, surely it would go off again before it was too late. However, upon opening his eyes he discovered that the lights read 1:13 and were blinking. He noticed that he must have hit the power strip's on off switch when he was trying to turn off the alarm last time. Seeing this, he jumped out of bed.

"You're awake?" his dad asked to which Jacob nodded, knowing how rushed he'd have to be. "Well, get dressed, we're already running late."

Jacob ran to his closet looking for clothes that appeared to be in at least decent shape. He grabbed a long sleeve t-shirt and jeans, threw his pajamas in his laundry basket and put the clean clothes on. As he started to leave the room, threw his shoes under his arm while grabbing a pair of socks that seemed close to matching.

"We'll be in the car when you're ready."

"Okay," he said across the house. As he put his shoes and socks on, he saw in the mirror that his hair was a mess, like he'd just gotten out of bed, so he ran a comb through it hoping to look like he wasn't a complete mess. He ran down the stairs as fast as he could, taking them three at a time, hoping he wouldn't trip and fall. As he got to the bottom, he sprinted toward the door, throwing it open while turning the lock and closing it behind him. Getting to the car, he flung the door open and sat in the middle row of the minivan before closing the door with several heavy breaths.

"Sleep well?" his mom asked from the passenger side seat in front.

"You could say that," Jacob said still catching his breath from getting ready in record time.

Looking at the clock in the car, Jacob saw it was 10:23, indicating they still had 7 minutes before church started, meaning they wouldn't be that late. Heck, if his dad drove in as much of a hurry as Jacob got to the car, they'd be there plenty early.

…

*Yes, I had that dream. It was fun.

WC: 1877

Total: 37047


	17. Chapter 17: The Dagger of Truth

**Chapter 17: The Dagger of Truth**

Jacob stood overlooking the congregation as he and his family slipped in the back right as the service started. The music had started, though Jacob saw it was only the first song so they didn't miss much. He knew how much his family hated being late, but it could have been worse. The stares of annoyance weren't missed by him as they tried to as discreetly as possible sneak into one of the seats.

Still, once they found their spot they began joining in worship, doing the best they could to ignore the other latecomers continuing to file in. Jacob sometimes found himself begrudging them, thinking that for something as important as church they should make sure they were on time, instead of just coming on their own schedule. Still, Jacob didn't know their stories, if they'd had a bad morning, or maybe they'd just managed to mess with their alarm. Maybe this was as early as they could get here, maybe they'd just gotten off from a third shift job or had a sick kid to take care of. Despite people messing up, he knew God loved them the same. As small as being a little bit late to church was, why bother judging about it?

After the first song, the band set up their instruments down and exited the stage, making Jacob wonder if they were later than he had thought. However, the fact that the rest of the congregation looked around in confusion before taking their seats confirmed Jacob's suspicions that things weren't right here. He took his seat along with the rest of them, hearing the mumbles around them all asking the same question.

However, as he saw Pastor Frances take his place at the front of the stage, he knew almost immediately. Frances was one of the oldest members of the church, the head of the council of deacons but rarely one to speak to the congregation, only in times of an important announcement. He held his hand up and the crowd was silenced, except for the sound of one crying baby, though that sound ended soon after a door closed in the back.

"Ladies and gentleman," Francis said pulling out a paper from his coat pocket and taking hold of a microphone. "As a congregation that prides itself on helping those who struggle find the love of Christ, we strive to offer forgiveness to all those who ask. We are called to love as Christ has loved us, embracing people along with all their weaknesses. However, there comes a time when we must make hard choices.

"Earlier this week, Monday morning to be precise, on his way to work Pastor Green was involved in an automobile accident involving a pedestrian. The pedestrian was critically wounded, and as of this day is still in serious condition at the hospital downtown. In addition, Pastor Green continued on his way when this happened, and as such was incarcerated under the charges of hit and run."

The many voices rang out. People broke down in tears. Questions were raised, questions of how and why. People denied what they heard, saying that the pastor they so dearly loved could commit such a heinous crime. Some said it was a lie, that the car wasn't really his, that this was all part of a bigger ploy.

If Jacob hadn't already heard this news, he would have been among those. Instead he looked forward, seeing the tears stream down Frances' face.

"As such, we have decided to indefinitely remove Pastor Green from his teaching position. We offer our prayers to him and his family, and encourage you to pray for them as well. I, along with the other deacons and staff will be available after the service to discuss this with you along with answer any questions you may have. This was not a decision made lightly, and we remembered all the good that Mr. Green had done for our church family. However, we must hold our leaders to a higher standard for us to follow, and after much prayer and discussion we have decided this is the best course of action for the church.

"Thank you."

Silence and awe filled the room as Frances stepped down from the stage, the sorrow palpable. Hearing the story, or as full as they could tell, made Jacob feel like his heart had been wrenched out. He wondered what it meant, and the questions came back to him again. He thought Pastor Green had been an anchor of truth and faithfulness no matter what. But seeing such a horrible sin, he wondered once more how he could follow a leader like that.

The band came out for one more song, and while Jacob joined in the singing, he didn't think about the words as they blew by, trapped in the questions of his mind.

…

Eli took his seat in the front row pew after placing his hymnal away after they had finished morning worship. Compared to all the music of the day, filled with sex and profanity and violence, it was good to have a break of it, cleansed by the holy music that uplifted the only thing that truly mattered.

"Good morning," Pastor Trevor said as he took the stage. "Today, on November 11 2012, I come with a message that disturbs me greatly. I'd like to tell you all that the world is bright, but the darkness outside seems to speak otherwise. I'd like to say things will be easy, that things will get better right away, but we all know the clouds come before the storm. I'd like to lie to you and preach to you a message that will encourage you. Regrettably, my conscious won't allow me to do any of those things.

"Our culture is a mess. It's not just a few wicked; it's the entire nation. It's like in the days of Sodom and Gomorra, where there was only one righteous man. How about in the days of Noah before the flood? Where Noah alone found favor with God. You may think that things aren't that bad yet, that we're still a Christian nation with a few ungodly men mixed in. Maybe statistically that is still true, but take a look at the culture and tell me it's not flying away from whatever morals we just held."

Trevor paused for a moment, letting the thoughts of the congregation bubble as he went onto his next point.

"We can look both near and far around our country to know this is true. Only 1 block from this most holy place of worship is that new club, Smoke and Mirrors. You may think it's all right, just a business trying to make some money, but I'll tell you what, it's just a gay bar. Those fags hang out there, demanding it be their place and asking us to acknowledge something we know is morally wrong. And you know what, the city allows it; they're okay with it. Heck, some of the city officials go there, for what reasons I don't care to know. It's an abomination, and God will strike it down and the people who promote such sinful lifestyles.

"And as many of you know, we reelected President Obama last Tuesday. What further evidence do you need of the destruction of this country's morals? I know some out there would call that man the Anti-Christ, but I won't go that far. But I will say he's being used by the devil to further drive this nation from God. Sure, he may claim to be a Christian, but he is nothing like us. It's a lie just as much as every word he spewed in the debate. Did any of you hear that radio add last week, him claiming that Romney would be delighted to outlaw all abortions? You know what, that just shows he doesn't care about us or about doing what's right. Abortion is murder in any case, and if I were president, that would be the first thing I'd outlaw! Life is sacred, and yet the nation gives this man 4 more years? We can't even plead ignorance this time; we've had 4 years of him. He had a personal kill list, orders drones to attack unarmed civilians. He bows down to every religion except the one he claim to be a part of.

"And perhaps worst of all, is his policy on gays. He went into office, saying that he was going to stand for traditional marriage and do what was right. You saw that this was yet another one of his lies. As soon as he detected a shift in the electorate, he let his true colors show, showing that he was in favor of such as horrendous deed. And to think, the people of America elected him again, said this is what they wanted. They want a country without morals; one where sick deeds will go unpunished and in many cases, celebrated. It's not enough for them to get a piece of the culture, but their hideous actions penetrate every piece of it. And we as Christians must take action.

"We're meant to be a city on a hill, a light for the world to see. Proverbs 25:26 states, 'Like a muddied spring or a polluted well are the righteous who give way to the wicked.' Is that the kind of people we want to be? Polluted, correct, dirtying everything we touch. No, we are to be Christ's living water, that which cleanses the unrighteous away. However, we must stand up to the devils lies. Or else God will judge us. And surely, God's judgment is harsher than any scolding we could live. Through the prophet Ezekiel, in chapter 21 verse 31, God said, 'I will pour out my wrath on you and breathe out my fiery anger against you; I will deliver you into the hands of brutal men, men skilled in destruction. **32 **You will be fuel for the fire, your blood will be shed in your land, you will be remembered no more; for I the Lord have spoken.'"

"In the book of Hosea, chapter 4 it says, 'There is no faithfulness, no love, no acknowledgment of God in the land. **2 **There is only cursing,**[****a****]** lying and murder, stealing and adultery; they break all bounds, and bloodshed follows bloodshed. **3 **Because of this the land dries up, and all who live in it waste away; the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky and the fish in the sea are swept away.'"

"Does that not sound like our culture? And the scriptures warn judgment will come. Unless the nation repents, we will be wiped out like those wicked nations of the past. And we will have none to blame but ourselves.

"Now, let us pray."

…

**WC: 1814**

**Total: 38861**

**A/N: **Normally I don't count myself citing scripture as part of the word count, but I did this case in the event that it was a character speaking it as part of something more.


	18. Chapter 18: Confessions

**Chapter 18: Confessions**

While the songs were sung, Jacob couldn't focus. While the prayers were said, Jacob's mind ran with other thoughts. While the announcements were read, Jacob wondered if it was right for things to be so similar. If things had changed with Pastor Green, not officially being gone, would it be right to just dismiss everything else, give the place a rest for a time? But Jacob knew that the church was more than just one human. It was a community, perhaps guided by a few, but in fact it was all of them coming together. And if they did have a single leader at the head of it, that would be Christ himself.

As the time came for the message, the congregation wondered just who would do it. There were times one of the other elders would fill in for a weekend to give Pastor Green a break, but with all the chaos, would this happen again? After the questions floated around the crowd, Pastor Francis made his way back up to the stage, opened up God's Word, and began to preach.

"At times like this, our faith is tested. That's natural. Don't allow these doubts to lead to guilt. Embrace them; ask the questions that you feel aren't right for a place like this. Besides, if a church isn't the place to doubt, than what is it? But have faith, that even when we can't be certain of what lies ahead that we serve a God who is. Even when we're confused, he's never left our side. Don't put your faith in a person, no matter how good they are, or even an institution, for they too are built by humans and will fail you.

"But put your faith in almighty God, who's love will never fail you. We can look all throughout the Bible, the importance of faith. Hebrews 11:6 says, "Without faith it is impossible to please God." Earlier in that very passage, it says, 'Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.' If you're like me, you want to hope that God is good. I'm not going to lie, say that this was really a good thing that happened. No, it was evil, in more ways than one. But God is good. That I believe. Even now, though we can't see exactly how, I am certain of this truth.

"That is faith.

"As some of you know, I lived in a war torn country for a while. I was a pastor of a small house church in a land where it was illegal to even teach the gospel. The national government murdered some of my friends to enforce that law. I'll tell you what, holding a child who just saw her parents murdered was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I saw kids put through horrible pain from the soldiers who were supposed to protect the peace. If there was ever a place on earth where the devil had a foothold; that was the place. Through the pain and suffering, it would be easy to lose hope. But it was my faith that showed them this wasn't the end. That despite all the pain they had suffered, there was a God who loved them, a savior who died for them. And no matter what the rulers of that land ordered or did, they had a hope that was stronger than death itself.

"I can assure you through my life, the reason I have faith. Faith is dangerous, it is a belief not based on logic. In a society so based on scientific discovery and factional evidence, it could even seem crazy. But faith in God should not be jumping out of an airplane praying you'll be okay. No, that would be stupid. Faith in God should be walking along a road and taking a step despite not being able to see the road. Because you have seen the road you travelled so far, and seen that it was safe, you are willing to take a step you don't see.

"The road is dark for us here. But we have seen God's hand protect us this far. So I ask you to just take another step with us. I understand your questions, and I don't seek to squelch those. But as we walk through this dark day, I ask you to take the step anyway. First Peter chapter 1 says, '**6 **In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. **7 **These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.' Yes, the Bible knows we will struggle with many trials. The Psalms are filled with these testimonies; the apostles never had easy lives. I'm sure all the heroes of the Bible doubted at one time or another. Even the apostle Thomas refused to believe until he felt the scars from where Christ had been pierced.

"So let your faith carry you when you don't see the path. But don't let that be a faith built on traditions and fear, but make it your own. Because it's not when things are certain that faith grows, it's when we can't see the path ahead. So let us take this journey of faith together.

"Thank you, and as you go out into the world, see God's hand."

Jacob let the words sink in. All these questions he had, perhaps it wasn't his faith being weakened, but instead it was being grown. He held his hand up to his heart as the people filed out around him.

"You okay Jacob?" his dad asked.

"It's a lot to think about," he answered trying to figure out exactly what his questions were to get the answers from. It was true that God loved him, and that he was good even when things didn't make sense. But sometimes Jacob had trouble believing the truth of that, especially now.

Jim took a seat beside Jacob, despite getting up a moment earlier. He placed his hand on Jacob's shoulder. "Indeed it is. I don't think I'll ever get to a point where I don't doubt God. But that's the world we live in, where sin as corrupted what was supposed to be a perfect relationship. We just have to remind ourselves that even when things don't make sense, God has everything under control."

"Yeah." Jacob believed that as best he could. Even when nothing made sense, God had a plan, one far greater than he could understand, even if he didn't fully understand it himself.

…

The next hour Jacob was working to get the church's celebration set up. Every year they celebrated another anniversary of when the church was founded, converting their parking lot into something that resembled a carnival. Several booths were set up with food such as hamburgers and hot dogs; large inflatables were brought in for the kids, along with those who were kids and heart. At the end of the parking lot Jacob was helping to get the stage set up for the music. For about an hour Jacob and his band would be playing for the guests.

It seemed strange how quickly this place could transform, in just an hour what seemed to be a normal parking lot on a normal Sunday morning turned into an array of colors lights and sounds.

Soon the crowd that had started to dissipate came back in full force, engaging in laughter and celebration. The vast crowds were too much for Jacob to recognize anyone out. Besides, in a time of leading this group in worship, it wasn't about them. They would come and go, perhaps enjoy the experience with him, but if worship's focus became anything other than God, it had lost all purpose.

He stepped up to the microphone at the front of their hastily constructed stage, looking out over the crowds greeting them. However, his voice froze for a moment when he saw one guy standing near the back of the crowd. He tried pushing it aside, kept going, read a passage of scripture that he had rehearsed, but this was all done automatically. No thought put into it.

All because of that one guy.

Sampson.

He played the first song like he'd done probably a hundred times before, his fingers hitting the notes out of memory, the lyrics filling his subconscious. But as he worshiped with a fervor that anyone else would have thought was genuine, his every thought was consumed with Sampson.

The songs went by, him hitting the notes as good as ever, and doing what he could to stay focused on what mattered, but his thoughts cascaded and before long he found himself staring through the audience and into Sampson's eyes. Sampson was sitting at one of the benches, keeping his eye up to the stage, and locked gazes with Jacob anytime he looked in that direction.

What did this mean?

Didn't Sampson get the text?

Jacob thought this whole mess ended with that text, but of course, things couldn't be so simple. It seemed strange, with everything he did that he thought he did to come closer to God and away from the temptation, the struggle became more and more difficult. Was this a sign? Was he wrong?

No, he knew the truth; he knew God's word enough to know what it said. Even if he wasn't an expert and hadn't memorized every single verse, he still knew what the Bible said, especially about a relationship like this.

It couldn't happen.

"Are you okay?" Matt asked as they took a short break after playing a few songs.

"Why do you ask?"

"I dunno, you just seem distracted." Matt walked up to Jacob as he tried getting away. "I've known you long enough to know when something is wrong."

"It's nothing."

"I've also known you long enough to know that when you say that it's probably something."

Jacob sighed taking a seat near the back of the stage while the rest of the band got ready for their next set.

"I'm just really confused about some things." He didn't want to say anything more. A struggle like this, it had been a secret for so long for a reason. He trusted Matt, more than any of his other friends. But still, he knew the scorns that would come if he told the truth, the friends he'd lose. He didn't want to be alone.

"About Pastor Green?" Matt asked taking a seat beside his friend.

"Yeah that's it," Jacob said hoping the sarcasm in that statement wouldn't make it's way through.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really. What Francis said seemed to make sense."

"Not that, what's really bothering you."

Jacob turned his head to look at Matt who was staring at him demanding answers.

"What do you mean?" Jacob asked trying to look away, wanting to break Matt's piercing gaze.

Matt sighed putting his hand on Jacob's shoulder. "I can tell you're worried about something. You have been since yesterday. I know you have some things you want to keep secret. But I want to help you if I can."

Jacob looked down, not wanting to face this. Not now. Not when he was feeling so many things for the wrong person. Matt said he wanted to help, but would he say the same if he learned the truth. Seeing all the people here, if anywhere was the right place, this wasn't it. "I can't talk about it here," Jacob finally said, hoping the fact that they'd have to go back to performing soon would stop this conversation.

"Do you want to go in the church to talk about it?"

"But the show-"

"I'm sure Snoopy can lead us for a bit. Besides, this is more important."

Jacob wanted to say something, protest, but he couldn't think of a good reason to. With so much going on, so many questions he had, Matt was the only person he could think of that he could begin to ask them too. Maybe he would be judged, maybe this would ruin his friendship, but he wanted to believe that Matt wouldn't hate him.

"Okay," he said finding the courage to ignore his fears long enough to say that simple word.

"Hey Snoopy," Matt called while their basest got ready to play their next song.

"What's up?"

"Can you lead this next set, Jacob isn't feeling well, and I want to make sure he's okay."

"Um…sure. You mind if I change up the set a bit?"

"Go for it," Matt said shrugging his shoulders.

"Power metal time then," Snoopy said a bit more excited than the others thought was good for him.

"Knock yourself out."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Jacob asked as the two of them went out through the back exit to the stage.

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"He scares away anyone over the age of 30."

The two of them inconspicuously went into the church atrium, which at this point in the afternoon was empty, except for the two of them. They made their way to one of the couches set in the corner used for overflow when the sanctuary was too crowded.

"So, what's going on?" Matt asked.

Jacob closed his eyes, knowing that now there wasn't anyway to get around it. Matt knew something was going on, something he was hiding, and Jacob didn't want to lie about it.

Glancing around the room to make sure he was alone, Jacob looked Matt in the eye, wondering if it was too late to back out now. But he couldn't. He swallowed and opened his mouth. He commanded his mouth to speak the words that he knew could very well damn him.

"Friday night, I kissed Sampson at the party."

But he'd said them. Now that they had flown from his lips and could never be taken back.

Matt's eyes went wide as Jacob looked down, knowing that he was going to hate himself for this. Jacob could feel his cheeks turning red.

"You kissed him?"

Jacob could hear the hesitation in Matt's voice, the vocal daggers tearing into Jacob's body. If words could physically harm someone, Jacob was sure he'd be bleeding now.

"How did it happen?" Matt asked, looking up at Jacob, though he had trouble maintaining focus.

"Well, he came over to me, we started talking, and then he kissed me."

"So he kissed you."

"But it's not like I tried to stop him or anything. In fact I enjoyed it…more than I should. I'd had these feelings for him for a while too, so when he started kissing me, I…"

"So you're…"

"Yeah, I'm gay." Jacob couldn't believe he'd said that. He was completely exposed, gave up any defense he had.

"I see," Matt said lowering his head and crossing his arms. Jacob sighed, waiting for what was bound to come from next. "I can't say I was expecting this." Matt shook his head in what Jacob knew was disapproval.

"I knew I shouldn't have said anything about it." Jacob was ready to walk away, hoping Matt would keep this secret so it wouldn't ruin any of his other relationships.

However, Matt reached a hand out to him as he said. "No, I'm glad you said something. I mean it can't be easy for you to admit that. Thank you for trusting me."

"You're welcome?"

Matt took a deep breath, obviously searching for the right words. "Well, we're supposed to bear one another's struggles, aren't we?"

"So you don't hate me?"

Matt shook his head. "I'm still in a bit of shock about this. But the way I see it, you're a sinner. I'm a sinner. We're both covered by the grace of God. So it doesn't matter what sins we struggle with."

Jacob let himself think on those words. Were things so different now that Matt knew? They didn't seem to be. "Thank you."

"And besides, you're still my best friend. Now, you ready to go back and play some music."

Music the thing that Jacob loved, the way he connected to God. Was it so different to worship now than it was before?

"Can you do me a favor?" Jacob asked as he got up from the couch.

"What?"

"Not tell anyone about this."

"Of course."

…

**A/N**: Anyone recognize where I got the inspiration for Frances' character from? Also…really didn't plan for Jacob to tell Matt what happened here. But this is the second time the characters have tried to take the story in that direction, so I figured it was best not to stop it.

WC:2705


	19. Chapter 19: The First Step

**Chapter 19: The First Step**

It seemed so strange to him as he played his music during the next set. Someone knew his secret. Someone knew his sin.

And yet, it was okay.

Who was he but another sinner? Were we not all just as guilty before a holy God?

But as he sang of God's amazing grace, the chains that held him seemed so far away.

He wondered for a second if others would react the same.

Shock, surprise, those were to be expected. But the friendship between him and Matt was enough to bridge the gap those caused. And the bridge of love that God built was enough to carry over the sin that he had committed.

Did it matter what he had done?

Did it matter the good or the bad?

Did it matter at all when all his good was nothing before his depravity?

Did it matter when love overcame that all?

However as he worshiped, praying for the gates of heaven to open up and overtake this broken land, his eyes spotted Sampson in the distance again. Further out, occupied with something else, but Jacob knew it was him in an instant.

He couldn't run away from this. That much was obvious.

But when the moment came, what would he say? What would he do?

Matt had accepted him as he was, but never once said what he did was right. Jacob could see the glint in Matt's eyes, that he knew this was wrong. And that all the love of God didn't change the commands God gave. To live holy, as He was holy.

He kept playing, trying not to think about this. But when each song performed brought the impending talk sooner, he had trouble concentrating on anything else, especially when he saw Sampson slowly making his way near the stage. He knew why, Sampson wasn't going to let him escape. Of course, Jacob couldn't just slip away, and in a way, he didn't want to. It wasn't like he could just run forever, and the sooner he got this over with the better.

The band had finished their last song, a rendition of 'It Is Well,' and Jacob kept singing that one verse through is mind. His sin had been nailed to the cross; he didn't have to worry about it anymore.

As he set up his guitar on the stand, he saw Sampson making his way near the stairs to the stage. He then caught Matt's eye and then discreetly pointed to Sampson. 'Go ahead,' Matt mouthed.

That wasn't quite what he wanted. He'd rather be given some task, to put this off for another day. But perhaps Matt was right. He decided he might as well accept it and walked down the stairs to meet Sampson.

"I'm surprised to see you here," Jacob said, trying to act like he had just noticed him, though they both knew it wasn't true.

"I thought I'd check out what this church music thing was all about. I have to admit, it wasn't half bad," Sampson said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Thanks."

"I was really surprised when that guy with long hair started playing metal. I mean he was good, but some people in the crowd looked like they were ready to stone him."

"It's not the most popular music around here."

The two of them wound their way to the backside of the church talking about simple thing such as music and the chill in the winter's air that had fallen around them. However, once they were out of earshot of everyone else, Sampson spoke up.

"You know I didn't come just to hear music though."

"Yeah, I figured," Jacob said as he kicked a rock along the ground while looking down.

"Though I have to admit that guy on the lead guitar was pretty hot."

"Can we just…" Jacob said not sure how he could deter Sampson here.

"You don't want us to be together do you?"

Want...

Sometimes he wasn't sure what he truly wanted. He wanted many things. He wanted to become a youth pastor that would reach out to the confused kids of the inner city and show them the light of God. He wanted an English class where he didn't have to write a massive paper every other week. He wanted a cookies and cream milkshake.

But when it came to Sampson…

Yes, he did want him.

"We can't," Jacob said firmly.

"Why?"

Jacob looked to the church, in the direction of all those who were making their way out. He could hear the cars going by, the people talking.

"You wonder what they'd think, don't you?" Sampson crossed his arms and walked up to Jacob.

"Yeah, that's part of it."

"I know how it feels. People don't understand, they think we're sick and gross. But why should you care what they think? If they don't like gay people, then they can stay straight. But it's your life not theirs. So why worry about it?"

"Maybe…" Sampson did have a point. Why care so much what other people think? Wasn't that one of the things Jesus taught, to not do things for what people thought but do them for God.

But God forbid gay people from getting together.

"The Bible also says it's wrong."

"The mighty word of God," Sampson said looking up to the church. "I guess that doesn't surprise me much. I've read it a couple times. Saw that it said not to lay with a man as I would a woman. It also said that I should be stoned for talking back to my parents and that I shouldn't wear clothes like this, of mixed materials." Sampson then turned back to Jacob. "Would you look at that, you're wearing them too," Sampson said with a shaking of his head. "There are some good teachings in there and it was a good guide for its time, but should you take it so literally when so many things are so outdated? I mean, with all the shit in there that can't be true or just doesn't make sense, why take a single verse as the final authority?"

Could the everlasting word of God really be outdated? Could it have expired? God was eternal, the same through all the ages. And His word was for all people in all times.

But perhaps Sampson had a point. It wasn't like everything applied to them today that it did back then.

"I don't know," Jacob said shaking his head.

"I do." Sampson put his strong hand on Jacob's shoulder causing the younger man to blush. "You want something you've been taught is taboo for all your life. You're afraid of what people have told you. But it's merely built on a twisted view that fears and ostracizes those they don't understand."

Jacob sighed, not wanting to hear this.

But was it because he knew it was wrong…

Or because he knew it was right?

"It's not like we choose to be this way. At least I know I didn't. And if God is as filled with love as you say, how could he say that loving another person in the way that He created you is wrong?"

"Maybe you're right. I just don't know." Jacob took a seat leaning against the brick wall of the church. He pulled his legs up to his chest, the cool air biting at his body.

"Hey, I know it's hard," Sampson said sitting beside him. "I want you to do what you want to do. Don't go out with me just because I want you to. Seriously, I'd be fine if you don't want to be together. But, don't say no because of what other people want. They're not you; it's not their life. It's yours."

Sampson slid his arm around Jacob and pulled him closer. Jacob looked up at Sampson, their faces so close. He could feel the desire of wanting to kiss him again. This was what he wanted. He took a quick glance around, and then knowing it was safe, pressed his lips against Sampson's for a second before pulling away.

Jacob nodded at him, seeing the answer of what he wanted. He felt the tingling from the kiss, the warmth of Sampson touching him. His body knew; his heart had known for so long. It only made sense.

"Okay. I'll do it."

While perhaps signing his own death sentence among all those he knew, for this moment, he didn't care.

"Can we not tell anyone else about this though…"

Sampson ran his fingers through Jacob's hair. "Yeah, I understand. You want to come to my place for a bit though? It'd be warmer there at least."

"Sure, let me give my dad a text and tell him not to wait for me."

"Oh, and one thing. When you first meet my mom…. she might seem like a sarcastic asshole."

"But she's a nice lady once you get to know her?"

"No, she's even worse then."

**WC: **1506


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N:** With Jacob and Sampson's relationship officially starting, I'd like to warn my readers that this means there may be more adult themes in the following chapters. The story will stay T rated, and if I choose to include M rated material (which I don't know if I will or not), I will isolate it as much as I can in a single chapter and give a warning at the beginning of that chapter.

**Chapter 20**: I have got to start naming chapters

As the two of them made their way to Sampson's car, Jacob kept his eyes out all around him to see if anyone would say something about seeing the kiss. Of course it wasn't quick, only a second. And Jacob made sure no one was around.

But he could have missed someone.

Jacob also tried keeping a few inches between him and Sampson. True, they were walking together, so being close to each other wasn't strange. But he didn't want anyone to think anything. And he didn't want to accidently touch Sampson. Of course, a touch meant nothing, even an accidental one.

But what if someone thought something?

Then again, like Sampson said, it didn't matter what they thought. And it's not like they'd think anything from just a passing glance. As he got into Sampson's car, he spotted Matt a couple rows down. He wondered what Matt would think if he saw them together, especially after their conversation. Matt would know this wasn't simply two friends in a car together but two boyfriends together.

The word seemed so strange to Jacob. That Sampson was his boyfriend. That went against what he thought the word would mean for him. But so did so much of this.

As Sampson pulled out of the parking space, he placed one hand on the wheel, and another where Jacob had his hand sitting on the armrest. They're eyes met for a moment, and Jacob felt himself blush again. "You'll be alright," Sampson said.

Jacob nodded, feeling a bit relieved at this. His heart was beating like never before, so much so, that it felt like it was in his ears beating like a drum. He tried to calm himself, but even so, as he rode seeing so many who knew would scold him if they knew what was going on, he felt a strange sense of peace with Sampson touching him. It was as if by Sampson holding his hand, he was holding onto the rest of his fears and worries that could come from this. As they pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road, Jacob was glad that the shadow of the church was behind him.

…

"Hey Mom, we're here," Sampson said as he entered the house with Jacob cautiously following behind him. Jacob wondered what this place was like. He really didn't know anything about Sampson's family. What were his parents like? Did he have any brothers or sisters? Were both of his parents even here? He remembered Sampson said something about his mom, what about his dad? Did they know Sampson was gay? What was their reaction to it?

So many questions, so many different possibilities.

"Took you long enough," the feminine voice answered from further in the house. The tone in it seemed to express disappointment, maybe some anger. But why? Had Sampson done something wrong? Then again, Jacob remembered what Sampson had told him. Maybe this wasn't so strange for them.

She came out of the kitchen, and Jacob could smell coffee, and some type of food coming from there. She was younger than Jacob's parents; probably in her thirties of he had to guess. She had dark brown hair that went down to her shoulder and wore a face that seemed to show skepticism.

"Ah, you must be, what was it, Joseph?" she said holding out her hand.

"It's Jacob, Mom," Sampson said as Jacob shook her hand.

"I was close at least."

"Nice to meet you Miss…" Jacob tried to remember what Sampson's last name was, but he wasn't sure if he ever knew it. Surely it would come up in class at some point, unless the author didn't know it, which would create a slight problem.

"Just call me Tracy, Hun," she said.

"Tracy it is then."

"So are you and my son together yet?"

"Yeah, we are," Jacob said, the words seeming so strange to say. He was admitting it, going out with another guy. He felt almost sick for a moment. But as he felt Sampson's hand wrap around his own, his heart began to calm. This was okay. Different maybe, but it still felt right.

"I have to admit, I didn't think my son could get a guy as cute as you," Tracy said walking back to the kitchen. "Sampson, just don't mess this one up. Doubt you'll luck out and find another one as good looking as him."

Jacob looked up at Sampson unsure of quite how to react to someone like that. She seemed to like him… at least that's what he thought. But the way she treated Sampson… strange family. He figured that was life for them, different than he was used to, but in many ways so was this world he was finding himself slowly drifting too.

"Dinner will be ready in a few, you staying for it Jacob?" she called from the kitchen.

"Uh, sure," Jacob said wondering what dinner was. He could hear the sound of something being fried he thought, but couldn't be sure.

"Have a seat here," Sampson said sitting on a large black leather couch. Jacob noted it could probably seat half a dozen people. As he sat down, he took in the massive entertainment center. The TV had to be at least 60 inches, and there were stereos lining it, a couple DVD players were strung along from the side along with what he thought was a PS3 and a few controls stashed behind something else.

"Wow, this is pretty nice," Jacob said, taking it all in.

"Yeah, Mom went a bit overboard with this."

"Hey, what else was I supposed to do with all that alimony?" she said from the other room.

"Ah, so your parents are divorced," Jacob said.

"You could say that," Sampson said with an expression of amusement across his face.

"It was more like I kicked his cheating ass out onto a busy highway," Tracy said coming back into the room and taking a seat at the other end of the couch. "And I don't mean that metaphorically!"

"Wow," Jacob said with a sense of awe and fear.

"Don't worry, he lived. Unfortunately…"

"Told you my mom was crazy," Sampson said.

"I prefer to think of it as temporary bouts of insanity," Tracy said with a smile. "That bastard Chekhov deserved it though. But I guess things worked out for the best. I got rid of him, got enough money out of him to buy this place and fill it with some nice things. Even got his gun up there should he ever try to see me again."

She pointed up and Jacob noticed a gun hanging on the wall. It looked like an assault rifle, though Jacob didn't know the exact make of it. It shined as if it had been cleaned recently, and it's dark black gleam a contrast to the white wall. Jacob was surprised he hadn't noticed it earlier, but considering he was worried about meeting Sampson's family, it must have slipped past him.

"What kind of gun is it?" Jacob asked.

"It's an AR-15. It's semi-automatic, holds up to 30 bullets in its magazine and is illegal in California. I'd feel pretty sorry for any crooks that try to break in here when I blow their brains out with it."

"It's also fun to shoot watermelons and pop bottles with," Sampson added.

"That it is," Tracy said. "You ever fire a gun, Jacob?"

"No, I haven't. My family has never been big on firearms." Jacob hadn't thought about the fact of having a family gun like that. Sure, he knew some people had one for defense or hunting, but it seemed like those people were the exception to the rule. And even those who had guns he doubted had one this powerful.

"Maybe we could take you shooting sometime. It's scary at first, but a lot of fun once you get the hang of it."

"We'll see," Jacob said with a shrug. He never had much interest in shooting a gun. Sure, it might be good to know, for self-defense, but he didn't think he needed one. He knew some hunters used them, but that was never something for him.

Their conversation was broken by the sound of a smoke alarm going off causing both Sampson and his mom to leap up from their seats and run into the other room. Jacob was close behind them and saw that the frying pan had a large amount of smoke coming from it.

"What did you do?" Sampson asked running over with a fire extinguisher.

"Left the toast in the oven for too long," she said grabbing an oven mitt pulling the black chunks of bread out of it.

"You're not going to make us eat that, are you?" Sampson asked.

"Only because we have a guest tonight. Though it will take a few for me to put some more bread in the oven."

"What are you fixing anyway?" Jacob asked.

"Bacon egg and cheese on toast."

"Isn't that normally a breakfast food?" Sampson said.

"It sounded good to me," Tracy said with a shrug of the shoulders. "I'll call you when it's ready, so go have fun for a bit or whatever it is you want to do,"

"All right," Jacob said as Sampson led him out of the room. The two of them walked through a small hallway and Sampson led him up a about a dozen stairs to a small second story. Glancing around, Jacob could see a bathroom, and a bedroom, along with a closed door that Jacob could only assume was leading to another bed room.

Sampson led him into the open bedroom, and judging by the various posters along the wall for bands such as Slipknnot, Disturbed, and Kamelot. Jacob saw an unmade double bed on one side of the room along with some dressers and a closet, both of which had various clothes hanging out of it. On the other side was a desktop computer. Next to that he had an Xbox and several controls on the ground there. A few red and blue bean bag chairs leaned against the one wall.

"Sorry it's a mess, I didn't think I'd be bringing you back here today."

"It's fine," Jacob took a seat in one of the beanbags, feeling strange how large the room was compared to his. He guessed this was the master bedroom due to the size, which Sampson had filled with various things. Jacob saw a small fridge sitting near him. "This is a really nice room." Jacob kept finding various details that stuck out to him, like the black trim along the white walls.

"Thanks. I like it here. We moved here a little after the divorce those couple years back or whatever it was. Mom went a bit crazy with spending after that settlement with Dad, so went all out with this room. It was supposed to be the master, but she converted the basement for herself, and gave me this one."

"It's just to two of you here then."

"Yeah, pretty much. Occasionally one of her boyfriends will hang out here for a while, but we normally don't talk much."

"No siblings or anything?"

"Nah, none of those. Mom never really wanted kids but well, a mistake one night and I came along."

"Oh?" Jacob said, wondering if that's the reason his mom treated him like that. He didn't know much about his own parent's plans for children. If they wanted more, didn't want any, or what.

"Things worked out fine I guess. I mean, she can be a bit crazy, but she's always taken care of me," Sampson said with a shrug.

"What about your dad?" Jacob asked.

"I've never met my biological father. Well, at least not that I remember. Apparently there were some times when I was a little kid where he'd be there for birthdays or something. Mom had a few pictures of us, but I was too young to remember then. The guy my mom married around 10 years ago, he's the one I called Dad. After the divorce though, I didn't see him again."

"That must have been hard on you."

"I got through it. Honestly I'm glad to see him go. After I told him I was gay, he hated me. Pretty messed up when he thinks I was doing something wrong when he was screwing half the chicks at his office. But, whatever."

"I wonder what my parents will think," Jacob said holding his hands as if he was praying and looking down.

"They don't know about me then or what happened at the party?"

Jacob shook his head. "Dad seems to think something is going on though, but I doubt he'd guess it was this."

"I don't blame you," Sampson said with a hand on Jacob's shoulder. "I mean, Mom fainted when she found out about me and Robert. And dear old Dad… I don't think I'd ever been yelled at so much in my life. He wondered what was wrong in my head, said that no son of his could be like that."

"What did you do?"

"Told him I wasn't his real son, so he could stick that up his ass, and go to hell. Then went to Robert's house for the night. Came back the next day, and he had calmed down, but still wasn't happy. Mom apologized for fainting when he went to work. Told me she didn't care who I was with, just not to do anything stupid."

Jacob sighed sinking further into the bean bag chair. He couldn't hide his relationship with Sampson forever, he knew that much. "I'm not ready to go through that with my parents."

"I understand that. I won't tell anyone, at least not until you're ready."

"How long were you with Robert when you told your parents?" Jacob asked, wondering just what he should be building himself up for.

"A few weeks I think. Don't remember exactly. Robert wasn't really quiet about being gay, so it wasn't like I could hide it for long."

Jacob thought about how this was different. He didn't know Sampson was gay until that kiss, and he would have thought with how well known Sampson was, he would have heard if Sampson let it be known. Had he dated other guys in secret? He knew of a couple gay kids in school and one lesbian couple, but if there were more, they kept it secret. Still, would that change with him and Sampson?

Jacob was broken out of his thoughts by a knock at the bedroom door.

"Are you guys naked or can I come in? Tracy yelled. This caused Jacob's face to turn bright red while Sampson shook his head. They hadn't even been together a day, and she'd mention that?. She couldn't be serious, but it made him wonder. Would their relationship eventually go that far? Jacob knew he was too young for sex, but wasn't that where romantic relationships eventually ended up? Not to say they'd even get that far, but he couldn't dismiss that possibility.

"We're just talking."

"That's boring," Tracy said as she came in.

"Dinner ready Mom?"

"Yeah, come on down. And you really should have cleaned up your room. You don't want your new boyfriend leaning you're a slob on the first day."

…

**WC: 2574**

**A/N: **I had trouble getting this chapter going, but I'd say it turned out pretty good. Learned a lot about Sampson's past, where he came from, and hopefully gave a decent start to their relationship.


	21. Chapter 21: Rest

**Chapter 21:** Rest

Jacob had come to expect certain things in his life. A schedule, for both a day and a semester, things he could count on. Sure, things would change, plans, schedules, things would come up, that was inevitable. But for all those, the structure and order helped him to function, helped him to stay calm. It wasn't like he'd just change his entire life overnight.

No, what he did to change his life came during the day.

A conversation with a friend, questions he didn't want to answer, and a heart that wanted what his soul seemed to forbid.

When a conversation turned to a kiss.

When the questions turned to a confession.

When his fear was overcome by a leap of faith.

He knew that there was no turning back.

He thought that maybe he could reverse some of the things as he sat in his room that Sunday night. School came the next day where he and Sampson would be among friends, not in the privacy of a home or a secluded side of a church.

What would they do?

He knew they'd see each other, between classes, before and after school, and in gym for sure. Would they be friends in front of others? Ignore each other? Hint that there was something more?

All these possibilities raced through his mind like pieces of fruit flying through a blender. He shook his head, seeing the old Bible lying beside his bed.

What did God think of this?

Since the celebration at the church, he hadn't thought about God once. With all that had happened, he'd been distracted. Sure, that wasn't the first time when life took away his attention from the supernatural, but at a time like this, shouldn't he be asking God's guidance most?

He thought about what Sampson said, how so many things didn't make sense in it that he shouldn't take everything literally. But if he couldn't take parts of it literally, then how did he know which parts? Sure, there were only a few parts of the Bible that seemed like that, what he couldn't understand. And wasn't that what faith was there for, to bridge the gap between the understandable and the unknowable? With more study he always thought he could find the answers to the questions.

But what about now? He didn't speak Hebrew or Greek, nor did he know where he could find a copy of the original language even if he was able to understand them. So what was he holding but a translation of a copy passed down through the ages.

The Bible was true.

That much he'd been taught.

He enjoyed his time with Sampson, things felt so right then.

That much he'd experienced.

Was it necessary to be so confused? Why was he so adamant about keeping this a secret? Sure, fear of rejection was what he'd say to Sampson, and even to himself. But was that the real reason? Was it because he knew what he was doing was really wrong?

He knew the consciousness was a gift from God, empowered by the Spirit to tell right from wrong. So what did it say? He closed his eyes and thought of Sampson again, the two of them in his room, their bodies so close, and Jacob leaning in to kiss him. But he let his mind drift to a separate image. Sampson still there, but in a land of fire where they were being separated. He could nearly feel the heat of the flames lick his fingers when his eyes flashed open.

Was this running from God?

Or was he running himself in circles?

He seemed so certain that he'd never become Sampson's boyfriend. What had happened to that?

If he prayed would God still hear him?

Did he want God to hear him?

What would he pray if he knew that God would answer him?

Was he afraid to look for the answer?

"God," he prayed thinking that he might mean something. "I don't know what to ask." He lay on his back in his bed and looking up at the ceiling, hoping he could reach the God that seemed so far away. What changed to make God so distant? Sure, he knew god was omnipresent, but he didn't feel that way now. Jacob wondered just where he'd have to go to make things right, if things were wrong. Had God run from him, or he from God? "This is so confusing. If you have all the answers, can you show me? I mean, with Sampson here, did I do the right thing? Was what he said true; about us not having to take the Bible literally? Would you really have given us something so unreliable? And if you are God, why would you let it be that way. But if it is true, then is this wrong? Why did you make me this way if it was? I just don't know."

Jacob rolled over shoving his face in the pillow. "What is going on here? Why can't things just be simple? I guess, you have to have a plan, you're God after all. Can you tell me what it is, or just a little bit of it? Help me this week, with whatever it is that happens. Whatever you want, just be with me. I guess I'm not sure what it is I want, but just help. Please." Jacob turned silent, rolling around in his bed, trying to wrestle with all his thoughts. He saw the clock telling him it was nearly 11, and decided it was time he went to sleep, or at least try. He just hoped the questions would leave him then to give him the rest that he so desperately needed.

**WC: 955**

**Total: 46604**


	22. Chapter 22: Voices

**Chapter 22: Voices**

Lighting flashed all around him as rain danced along the streets. Lights and darkness clouded his vision as though he couldn't tell which was which. Voice tore through his ears as something else tore at his flesh. Blood splashed the ground washed away by the rain.

He tried to run, tried to get away but the pain became too much, the will of his legs fell away.

On the ground his body lay, a chill breaking his vary breath. The rain wrapped him like a blanket stealing his warmth as his lifeblood ran out to be taken away.

His eyes looked forward at a cross that seemed to shine so bright.

But as he reached with a faint breath it became the dark he so hated.

Though his eyes closed the dark gave way into a light that not even closed eyes could ignore.

…

Jacob's eyes flashed open, his body still feeling the pain of the dream. He waited a second, thinking his mattress was the cold hard ground. He threw his blanket off him trying to escape the rain. But as he breathed, the world, as he knew it coming back into view, he saw that what he saw those illusions weren't real.

But even if it wasn't real, what was it?

Just a dream, a fragment of his imagination?

Or maybe something more.

He turned over and saw the clock, that it was 5 in the morning. He was sure that the dreams were going to make him have trouble falling asleep again, but he didn't want to have to stay awake and think about the dream either. No matter how real everything seemed, he knew it was nothing. He'd had realistic dreams before; it didn't mean that there was anything to this.

Right?

…

Finding himself slightly tired as he entered school, Jacob checked his watch seeing that his bus had gotten there several minutes early. As he walked into the cafeteria where many of the students gathered before class started, he saw Sampson off to one side. He quickly turned away, walking from him, not wanting to acknowledge that there was anything between them, at least not now, not in front of everyone else.

As he moved further on, he spotted Matt alongside one of the walls, but after their conversation the day before, he didn't want to talk to him. Sure, Matt didn't seem to hate him or anything, but Jacob didn't want to have to say why he was leaving the church with Sampson. He knew Matt was smart enough to figure out what was going on even if he tried lying. Besides, he didn't want to have to lie.

What would Matt tell him to do if he really did know? Say he'd have to break up with Sampson?

Jacob didn't know if he could do that. Would Matt say they weren't friends anymore? Force him to choose?

Jacob didn't know who he'd choose. He'd known Matt for so much longer, that would be the logical choice. But to side with someone who demanded he sever what his heart felt, could he do that? Let a friendship dictate what he felt?

No matter where the conversation went, that wasn't something he was ready for.

He went further into the school, thinking it might just be best to go to his first class early so he could wait there until it began. If anything, that would keep him away from people. He might even get out the text book and act like he was reading it saying that he was studying, or doing homework, or something.

Out of the corner of his eye as he walked down the halls of the school, he saw Eli running up to him

"Hey Jacob!" the freshman said.

"Hi Eli," Jacob said with a casual wave of his hand. "How's it going?"

"I was chosen to play the part of the shepherd in our church's nativity scene."

"Oh, cool." Jacob said trying to feign some interest. Sure, that was an honor and he knew that he should be excited for his friend, but with everything going on right now, Jacob didn't feel like caring about that.

"Yeah, some people would rather be Mary or Joseph, but I think the shepherd might have the most interesting part. Despite the fact that they were at the lowest end of society, God choose them to be the first to know."

"That is pretty neat." Despite hearing the story a thousand times, practically memorizing that scene in the Bible, thinking about it that way humbled Jacob some. God choose the lowest of society to be the first to know, something that existed all throughout the gospels.

"I'm really excited to get out of school for a few days for Thanksgiving too," Eli said.

"A break from class?"

"Not just that. I mean, it will be good to have more freedom to serve in church. And being able to study God's word along with seeing family is nice. But I want to get away from all the depravity here. It makes me sick to even look at it."

"What do you mean?"

"The kids here having sex like it's nothing, getting high on some type of drug I don't want to know the name of. They don't care about what's important, only doing something that only gives them pleasure for a little while and then ruins their lives. Worst of all just this morning, when I went to the basement to talk to my Spanish teacher, I saw two guys making out in the bottom of the stairwell. It was disgusting! How could they do something so sick!? It wasn't like they were hiding it either; they were still hugging even when I spoke up. And when I left, I'm sure I heard them going at it again. Have they lost all sense of morality and what is right? I only hope that they repent before God sends them to hell."

Jacob thought about himself as Eli started ranting, how he'd done something so similar with Sampson over the weekend. Granted, there was no making out like Eli had described, but there were those kisses. "Wow," Jacob said trying to feign interesting in what Eli was saying. Upon making it to his classroom, Jacob walked inside and got out one of his textbooks. "You mind leaving me alone, I want to study, we have a quiz today."

"Oh, sure. Good luck."

"Thanks."

With a quick wave of the hand Eli was gone. Jacob couldn't help but feel in pain at what Eli had said. Jacob had convinced himself that what he was doing with Sampson wasn't prohibited by the Bible, and even if it did, then it didn't apply to him, being the laws of the Old Testament that Christ's coming overwrote.

Eli seemed so certain that he was right though. But perhaps that was just ignorance taught as tradition. After all, Jacob had been learning about the Bible for years, and this was such a small issue in it. Surely Jacob understood it enough to know the truth.

Right?

But if he did, why was he so willing to doubt?

His mind shifted to the formulas in his math book as the rest of the class started pouring in. At least math made sense, had a clear answer that could be obtained through a logical path. Unfortunately, the questions of his consciousness weren't so simple.

…

Life went uneventfully for a few hours. He took some notes, did some classwork, maybe even learned a few things. To his classmates and teachers, he seemed perfectly normal. Maybe a bit quieter than usual, but that was nothing to raise concern over. But as he finished lunch, he went to his fifth period class, gym, knowing that was the one time he couldn't just avoid Sampson.

He kept his eye on the clock as he waited in the cafeteria, thinking that if he snuck in the locker room right before class started he might be able to change clothes after Sampson had left. That way he wouldn't see anything or anybody that would cause him problems.

Seeing that he was pushing it close enough, he walked up to the door and pushed it open, only to be greeted with Sampson standing right in front of him.

"Hey Jacob."

"H-h-hi."

"Are you doing okay?" Sampson asked while Jacob walked over to his locker and put his stuff in there before getting out his change of clothes.

Jacob sighed, not sure of what to say, so confused.

"Hard day?" Sampson asked to which Jacob nodded.

"I don't know, it's just…" Jacob had looked down not wanting to look Sampson in the eye. However, Sampson grabbed his chin and pulled Jacob's gaze up to him.

"You tell anyone?"

Jacob shook his head. "No one knows, but I keep thinking about what they'll say if they do."

"It will be all right." Sampson moved his mouth just inches from Jacob's ear. "No one else is in here." Before Jacob could ask what Sampson was referring too, Sampson placed a gentle kiss on Jacob's cheek before walking away. "See you out there."

Jacob took a few breaths trying to keep himself calm. This didn't alleviate his confusion any, if anything it added more to it. But he couldn't just stay in here and think about it. So he quickly changed clothes and went out to the gym.

This time when the class was split up into different groups for the games, he was glad to be in another room from Sampson, to make sure that his thoughts didn't go somewhere they shouldn't. However, as his group played a game of soccer inside the one gym, he found that his aim was off, missing several passes and goals that he was sure he could make.

"You doing okay?" Mark asked as several players rushed by them.

"Yeah. What makes you ask?"

"Well, that last pass somehow hit me in the face and you didn't even notice. That's not like you."

Okay…maybe Jacob's thoughts were about as on track as an old lady driving a golf cart through the Sahara desert. But he didn't think it was that noticeable.

"Guess I've just been a little bit worried about some things. I thought I was being subtle about it."

"Dude, you've been about as subtle as a flying billboard during the winter in Narnia. Come on, we're behind by two."

"Right," Jacob said with a nod as he ran to the ball, to try taking it back.

Throughout school, nothing seemed the same for him. Sure, it was a normal day as far as anyone else could see. Maybe there was some drama somewhere, or a certain class was more interesting/evil than normal. But with every second that passed by Jacob seemed to see the stares that weren't coming, hear the whispers that couldn't care less for him. When fear grips a soul, it's no wonder they start to question everything.

As he was about to get on the bus afterschool, he heard Sampson call out to him. "Wait up!"

"What's going on?" Jacob asked.

"I hardly got to see you today," Sampson said, a little bit hurt if Jacob was reading him right. Which, in a way made sense, they were dating after all, even if the rest of the school didn't know it yet, so why was he avoiding his boyfriend? Though that question seemed to answer the rest, no one else knew, no one else could know.

"Sorry, we just seemed to be going in different directions," Jacob said, knowing that he didn't have long until his bus pulled away. Granted, Sampson had a car, but Jacob let himself forget that fact for the time being.

"All right, I understand. You remember we have basketball tryouts tomorrow, right?"

Jacob's eyes lit up, with everything else that had happened, those had nearly escaped him. "Oh right."

"You forget didn't you?" Sampson said with a knowing smile.

"These past few days have been crazy."

"I know how you feel. But even though some things change, no reason not to keep the fun things the way they are. You're still coming though, right?"

"Yeah, I'll be there." Jacob thought back, when he was first considering it, it was so he could be around Sampson more, and that motivation became stronger than he ever thought it would.

"Cool, see you then."

**WC: 2045**

**Total: 48649**

**1351 to go**


	23. Chapter 23: To Be Strong

**Chapter 23:**

It was one thing to be in a gym mostly with people who didn't care about sports or athletics, but only were in there to graduate high school. Normally in those classes, Jacob could do relatively well, maybe not the best, but certainly more athletic than most of the people here. However, now he felt so scrawny, so weak. Most of the people here were a few inches taller than him at least, and Jacob didn't think he was short. Many of them were muscular, and could probably bench press him without breaking a sweat.

"You nervous?" Sampson asked.

"A bit. I mean, look at these guys they're so much bigger than me."

"Take a closer look, I think they have the combined IQ of an unplugged toaster."

Perhaps his brainpower could help, after all, this was a game that had to follow the laws of physics. However, knowing all the forces on the ball wouldn't help much if he couldn't apply the right forces.

"All right team," Coach Jimenez said walking into the gym, eyeing over his perspectives for the team. "Not gonna lie, we lost a few good men this year. But we still got a few coming back. Just know I don't discriminate. I don't care if you've been playing professional basketball all your life or just learned what a basketball is last Tuesday. All I care about is what you show me tonight. We're starting off with some stretches, then hit the track for running."

The students nodded and went through their stretching routine. Jacob was a bit relieved at where they were starting. Running was something he was always good at. As a young kid he had played soccer quite a bit, giving him the endurance to run long distances. Perhaps he wasn't as physically strong as the others here, but he knew he could out run most of them.

"So you decided to come Jacob?" Darris said walking up to him and Sampson.

"Yeah, I figured it'd be fun to give this a try."

"Don't let the coach get to you, he can be pretty demanding," Darris said.

"All right." Jacob was used to being on the coach's good side during class, they seemed nice enough as long as you did what they said, but knew that the coach's goal was to win games, even if it meant being harsher to the students.

The group went out on the tracks, and Jacob followed the others to the start line on the track. Being in gym clothes during such cool weather sent several shivers alongside his body, but knew once he got running the cold air around him would feel nice. "This part is simple, run a mile and a half as quickly as possible. Don't wear yourself out by sprinting early on if you can't keep up near the end. If you have to, slow down to a walk or jog for a bit."

That meant 6 times around the track. Last time he'd timed himself he'd been able to run a mile in about 7 minutes. He knew that wasn't as fast as the track team, but also thought it would be enough to be able to keep up at least.

"Go!" the coach said, and with that they took off. It didn't take long for several of the students to pass Jacob, and he was impressed at how strong their form seemed. With strong strides they seemed too uncatchable to Jacob, who was starting out not pushing himself too hard right now. He saw Darris among them, nearly at the lead of the group. He remembered how Sampson said Darris thought he was better than everyone. Maybe there was a good reason for that.

"I'm not going to let him make a fool of me," Sampson said sprinting passed Jacob at a rate Jacob was sure he couldn't keep up. But then again, Jacob had to laugh at Sampson's rivalry with Darris. He just hoped this one would end without any of them in pain.

A few laps later and the crowd had spread out. Darris was still near the front while Jacob had passed Sampson a while ago. This gave him a better idea of who he was up against. In a need to try to get off to a good start, Jacob could see some of them pushed themselves too hard right away, that even if they could keep up till the end they'd be too tired for whatever else they had to do. Then there were others who Jacob noted seemed to be out of place here, quickly overwhelmed at such a task. Keeping up a running speed for a mile and a half certainly wasn't something anyone could do. Then there were others that had already finished by the time Jacob had only done a mile. However, Jacob couldn't complain about finishing in about 12 minutes.

"You're pretty good," Darris said as Jacob took a seat on the bleachers waiting for the rest of them to finish.

"Thanks. Nowhere near as fast as you though."

"It takes time," Darris said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Sometimes it's not the ones who aim for the best that are most important to the team. It's those who know what they can do and what others can do and then know how to use that to make the right play." Darris then pointed up to Sampson who was breathing heavily as he crossed the finish line. "In fact, not knowing and accepting ones weakness can lead to giving the other team and advantage."

"I see what you mean."

"Just think about it." Darris said as he got up to begin walking back to the school. He saw Darris mention something to the coach, but was too far away to hear it. It probably wasn't anything important, but it made him curious.

"That was fun," Sampson said putting his arm around Jacob's shoulder.

"You okay?"

"I feel like my small intestine is wrapping around my vocal cord. I'm pretty sure that's a good sign."

Jacob shook his head, having to laugh at Sampson's absurdity. He really seemed to push himself too hard, but Jacob couldn't help but notice how cute Sampson's smile was as he leaned on him. This put him at ease, making him think that the rest of these tryouts wouldn't be too bad, that he might do okay.

Once they got inside, they were split up into teams that went across the court for skirmishes. The coach went by taking notes as they went. Jacob was paired with a junior whose name he didn't know against Darris and another senior named Bruce. Both his opponents seemed to have a mastery of the game, and quickly got a lead, though they weren't keeping an official score.

Jacob tried bringing the ball down the court, but Darris was quickly in front of him, making any movement impossible. He saw his teammate was open further down, able to run around Bruce. He quickly passed the ball, and they were able to score their first point. Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw the coach making a note, but then turned his attention back to the game.

However, against such opponents, the game was quickly over, with Jacob losing 20-6.

"Dang, I sucked," he said walking over to Sampson who was along the side of the gym, his game also evidently over.

"That was some pretty bad luck getting paired up with Darris. I mean, even if I was back to normal, he can almost beat me," Sampson said.

Jacob rolled his eyes; pretty sure he knew who would win in a match between the two of them. Still, Jacob had to wonder if the bad luck of the draw killed his chance of making the team. He had played as well as he could, but he had nothing special to offer.

With tryouts over, and an announcement that the results would be posted in a few days, Jacob made his way to the locker rooms, wanting to just get out of here. "Want to go to my place?" Sampson asked.

"Sure," Jacob said, figuring that would be better than being here.

**WC: 1365**

**Total: 50,000 :D**

**A/N: **Two things to note. First of all, I hate this chapter, but I needed it to set things up later on. Also, despite what that total says this wasn't what made me hit 50k.


	24. Chapter 24: With Each Other

Chapter 24: With Each Other

It seemed crazy to him, how no matter what he did things didn't work out right. Whether it was homework due that morning and a printer breaks, whether it's a webpage that seemed to work perfectly, only to stop working at the moment he needed it. Or an English assignment where he thought he had reached the goal, but finds out an hour before it's due that he needed to write a thousand more words.

Those are the moments when he gets stressed the most. Because he knows he could find a way around it, cheat perhaps, but in front of the eyes of all mighty God, Jacob would know that was wrong. So those times he pushed himself to work hard, to do the impossible, to break through the boundaries and see a world where his victory was of his own doing.

Sure, sometimes it was hard.

Sure, sometimes he needed large amounts of caffeine to do it.

Sure, maybe his body hurt in strange ways from acting a bit crazy thinking that this one burden had gotten off his shoulders. But when the prize was this close, he would just push through.

Jacob wondered if the tryouts would be a time when this wasn't enough. Heck, during that little practice game, he hadn't managed to score a single point. Being matched up against Darris, who seemed to single him out to guard, made it impossible for him to do anything. That kind of luck was like a computer restarting when you had a 100 page paper that you hadn't saved.

But there wasn't a simple undo button, or a save early save often motto that could protect him.

"So much for that," Jacob said as he got into Sampson's car.

"I'm sure you did fine."

"Apparently you didn't see my game."

"Maybe you'll be surprised."

"I doubt it," Jacob said.

"Of course, you always doubt surprising will come."

"My stomach feels like a surprise is about to come from it," he said holding his gut. He felt like he had a mix of strong coffee, expired meatloaf, week old pizza all run through a blender and then pumped into his stomach.

"Want me to pull over?"

"No, I'll make it."

"Did you have fun at least?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I do enjoy basketball, just hard to enjoy it as much as normal when I'm getting my butt kicked."

"Those things happen. And Darris is pretty good, he's even beaten me a couple times."

Jacob wanted to ask how many a couple was, but thought he'd laugh at the rivalry between them at a later date when he didn't have so much on his mind. As they travelled the road, Jacob saw a couple houses with Christmas lights up. It seemed strange, when it wasn't even thanksgiving yet. There was a time for celebration, a time for work, and a time for each holiday. Get one out of place, both it and everything around it lost its impact of being in the proper place.

As Jacob realized they were getting close to Sampson's home, he noticed a lady struggling with a big box with a picture of a Christmas tree on it.

"We should go help her," Jacob said, though he phrased it more like a question.

"Oh, you mean Jackie?"

"You know her?"

"Kind of. See her from time to time. She really gets into the Christmas spirit, perhaps too much." To nonverbally answer Jacob's question, Sampson pulled into her driveway, which made Jacob smile.

"This won't take too long," Jacob said, feeling a bit better now. It would leave a bad taste in his mouth to just keep going without doing anything to help. Still, he had to admire her, carrying something that seemed so bulky and heavy alone.

"Let me help you," Jacob said as he shifted some of the weight onto himself.

"Well aren't you a kind young man."

"I'm glad to be able to help."

"With my boyfriend at work all day today, I wondered if I'd be able to do it all myself. It's so great to see you. My back especially thanks you."

"Tell your back you're welcome then," Jacob said as they slowly came around to the door that led into the house. Jacob was walking backwards and constantly kept his eye out to make sure he didn't trip over any steps.

"Would you mind helping me get the lights on the trees too. They can be such a pain because well, I'm a bit vertically challenged."

"Sure, that sounds like fun."

"That's the Christmas spirit." Maybe there was something to the joy of the holiday. Sure, Jacob knew why it was originally celebrated, Christ had come into the world, and more than anything, that was something to be celebrated. Even knowing so much of the tradition had veered away from the original meaning, the passion and joy associated with this part of the year wasn't something to shy away from.

"Which room do you want this one in?" Sampson asked taking Jackie's half of the box from her.

"Oh, Sampson, I didn't even notice you there."

"We were heading back to my house, figured if Jacob wanted to help I might as well lend a hand. So where do you want this?"

"Um, put this one in the upstairs bathroom. It's one of the smaller trees so I don't need a real big one there."

Jacob's eyes went wide, with how heavy this one was; he hated to think how big the heavy ones were.

"I'm so glad you came, without Christian here, I was going to be in a world of hurt."

"Couldn't you wait?"

"Golly gee willikers, no. I always put decorations up this day because it's the day of my mom's birthday, and she just loves Christmas, almost as much as I do. I remember back when we were kids, we'd sit around the fireplace drinking hot cocoa. There was one Christmas in particular, we had just moved into a new apartment so I had my own room. I didn't think there'd be any presents, because I had everything I wanted, but Santa still managed to bring a few small things. It was incredible, and so much fun!"

Jacob and Sampson navigated their way up the stairs, already seeing at least 3 Christmas trees as he made his way to the bathroom. Sampson wasn't lying; Jackie really went all out for Christmas. And he almost trembled at thinking about how many more she had in her garage. "The next one is ready when you are," she yelled across the house.

"All right, we'll be right down."

"So Jacob, ready for the Christmas spirit to fill you?" Sampson asked.

Jacob rolled his eyes, seeing now just what he was getting himself into. Still, despite it being early, he kind of looked forward to this. Even with the snow still weeks if not months away, there was something about all those Christmas lights that seemed to brighten the night. "Why not," he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

They heard the sound of something crashing from the ground floor of the house so the two of them ran down the stairs to discover what had to be thousands of lights strung around the floor of the garage. They saw Jackie crawling around trying to get all the lights picked up. "Wow, that's a lot of lights."

"Oh, this is just for the roof. I still have seven boxes of lights for the windows and house itself."

At this, Jacob's legs suddenly felt like they couldn't bear to take another step. Just what had he gotten himself into with a slight offer to help?

"I'm just terrified of heights," Jackie said with a sigh, "but it's for Christmas, I guess I'll have to just get over it."

"We'll help with it," Jacob said bending down and helping Jackie pick up all the lights. He wasn't sure if this was his best idea, but couldn't stand the thought of leaving Jackie to do this all herself. Even if this meant he wouldn't get to go home, or even Sampson's home anytime soon.

A few minutes later, with the help of a ladder, Jacob and Sampson were on the roof of Jackie's house, Jacob fighting with a tangled up mess of lights. Meanwhile, Sampson was leaning over, getting the clips connected to hang the lights from. "I didn't know putting lights up was such a pain."

"Your family never does this?"

"Nah, occasionally put up a tree, but that's all pre-lit. You?"

"Typically we put a tree up along with some other decorations a week or so after Thanksgiving. Nothing like what Jackie does though."

"I'm pretty sure no one does quite what she does."

They could hear Jackie singing and dancing throughout the house, to the tune of several songs playing at once, so much so that they couldn't differentiate one song from another. "She seems really nice though," Jacob said.

"She is," Sampson said stringing some of the lights through the clips. "A bit eccentric sometimes, but she's always doing something to help someone else. The world could use more people like that."

Jacob thought about that as he fought with the many lights. Sometimes the world seemed so filled with hate that he wondered where were the people filled with love. Who could say what love truly was, when it was clouded by selfish desire and formal tradition. Love was more than just shallow proclamations.

at him. "What?"

"Nothing."

A gust of cold blew through the air, catching some of the lights and starting to pull them away. Jacob leaned forward trying to grab the lights, the wind blowing his t-shirt around his face making it hard to see. He pulled the shirt back down as the gust faded, but he saw that there were several more tangles in them.

"Man," Jacob sighed. He looked up and saw Sampson smiling

"No, really what was it?"

"Just thinking you looked kind of cute like that. All flustered with the wind blowing through your hair and clothes."

"My hair's probably a mess now, too," Jacob said trying to knock it back down.

Sampson crawled over to him and gently ran a hand through Jacob's hair. "It's fine." He moved his hand down to Jacob's cheek, placing it there for a moment. "You're fine just the way you are."

"Thanks," Jacob said shyly before going back to working with the lights. "You should be able to hook these up too."

"You're so shy when someone compliments you," Sampson said, "Though that makes you even hotter."

Jacob could feel his cheeks blushing even more than before. It seemed so strange hearing Sampson say these things about him. It warmed his heart knowing someone felt this way about him, but at the same time, it felt awkward. He figured his mind still hadn't gotten used to thinking of Sampson as more than a friend. A change like that would take time.

Once Jacob got a few of the knots undone, the rest of the lights seemed to straighten out a lot easier. Still, having a thousand lights just in one strand took a while for Sampson to hook up along the edge of the roof. With the sun beginning to set on them, the warmth of the day had started to fade. Jacob could feel the chills along his arms as he handed the lights to Sampson.

After about half an hour, the lights were strung, outlining the roof of the house. Even with forgetting to leave enough room to connect the cord to a power outlet and having to redo some of it, they were able to get everything hooked up nicely.

As the two of them climbed down from the ladder and walked over to the side of the house to plug in the lights, Jackie was coming back out of the house with a plate of freshly baked cookies. "That's beautiful," she said looking up at them. "Now all we have to do is put up the inflatable's and the roof will be done."

"Uh…" Sampson said.

"That can't be that much," Jacob said.

"Yeah, just Santa, Rudolph, a few elves, the little drummer boy, and a small manger. But since you two have been such a big help, I brought you some cookies."

"You made them yourself?" Jacob asked as he and Sampson took some.

"Yep, put the cookie dough on the pan and turned the oven on all by myself. I was so proud of myself."

"Thanks Jackie," Jacob said enjoying the delicious blend of chocolate and gooeyness on his tongue. It tasted like a wonder land of a camp fire on the dawn of winter while watching the sunset over the ocean. He wasn't quite sure if that made sense, but the cookies tasted that good.

"You get the inflatable's out that you want us to put up for you?" Sampson asked.

"Yeah, they're sitting near the side of the garage."

…

After about an hour more of decorating, Jacob and Sampson found themselves in Sampson's room, just glad to be able to rest for a while. Jacob's body was hurting all around. Between running, the game, and then all that time carrying and putting up decorations for Jackie. He was glad to be able to help, but that didn't stop his body from aching.

The two of them were sitting on Sampson's queen-sized bed watching TV; Jacob lying on his stomach while Sampson sat back against the wall. The comedy in the show made Jacob smile, the dumb one-liners putting his mind at ease. However, as a commercial came, Jacob tried pushing himself up, getting stiff sitting in one position for so long. He let out a groan as the soreness of his muscles made themselves known.

"You okay?" Sampson asked.

"A bit sore from that. Between the tryouts and helping Jackie, my shoulders and legs are really aching."

"Yeah, I'm a bit sore too."

Jacob could feel the bed shifting as Sampson made his way over to him. He then felt those strong hands grab his shoulders and start gently pressing down. "Feel good?" Sampson said as he massaged Jacob's shoulders, some of the stress and achiness starting to go away.

"Yeah, it does."

It wasn't just the taking away of the pain that made Jacob feel good, but having Sampson touch him like that, his palms digging at his muscles, filled him with a whole other feeling of happiness. Jacob spread his arms out allowing Sampson to get a wider range of muscles to massage. He closed his eyes, letting the feeling take him away, the noise of the TV show drowned out by Sampson's gentle voice and touch. He felt lips planted against the crook of his neck, causing chills to race along his whole body

Sampson's hands then slowly made their way down Jacob's back, aches that he didn't even know he had starting to fade away. The tightness faded in his back while he squirmed under Sampson's touch. Sampson made his way down slowly, pressing against Jacob, causing him to moan just a bit in pleasure.

"That feels so good," Jacob said into the bed.

When Sampson reached the end of Jacob's back, he paused for a moment while Jacob just lie there, taking heavy breaths just relaxing. However, he soon felt a warm presence against his bare skin, pressing against him. He opened his eyes and looked up at Sampson. Jacob saw his shirt had been lifted up some and Sampson was working his way back up on the bare skin. Their gazes locked for a second and Sampson paused, and Jacob knew the question in his mind.

Jacob gave a simple nod, the feeling of Sampson against him so good. Sampson was closer, warmer, and stronger now. All the pain in his body seemed to fade away with these touches. Jacob could feel the hands going further up, pushing his shirt farther up too. Jacob felt himself squirm even more as Sampson's hands glided over his shoulder blades. Sampson pushed his hands against Jacob's neck, taking away the tenseness in them. Feeling the fabric of the shirt bunched up on him, Jacob reached behind his back, and pulled it fully off of himself.

Not more than a few seconds later, Sampson had leaned over Jacob and planted a kiss on his neck.

And then another.

And another.

More chills and shivers raced along his body. Jacob felt excited in ways he only dreamed Sampson would do for him. He felt Sampson's arms around him, pulling him tight. He turned his head up and rolled over against Sampson's arms and pulled their faces together. They kissed, pushing against each other. Jacob felt excited, passion filling his actions. Their lips moved back and forth, opening further to embrace the other. Jacob's right hand moved down Sampson's back, and up his shirt. With Sampson on top of him, Jacob could feel the body heat radiate off the other man, but Sampson's shirt was in the way of their skin directly touching.

"The show's back on," Sampson said looking toward the TV for a second, before looking back down at Jacob, who just nodded at the information. At a time like this, he really couldn't care less about the TV, but his thoughts were all consumed with the person lying on top of him. "You're not interested in that, are you?"

Jacob shook his head, feeling lightheaded, but invigorated all at the same time. He pulled Sampson into another kiss, being all the answer the older teen needed. Jacob's hands tore at Sampson's shirt, giving him the message. Sampson pulled away for just long enough to pull his shirt off and toss it away from the bed before slamming his lips against Jacob's again.

Before a few days ago Jacob never would have imagined he'd be doing something like this. Only in the day dreams he swore he'd shove away. But now, they had become something much more than a dream, much more than a forbidden thought. They had become reality, and while he had so many reasons going through his head saying that he shouldn't even consider this, as Sampson wrapped him in his embrace, those seemed so far away.

After a couple more moments, the couple broke away, leaving Jacob breathing heavily, his lips still feeling like they were on fire. Sweat covered his chest, and back, and from the way his jeans were sticking to his legs, he knew they were covered in sweat too. "Whoa," he said, never experiencing a kiss like that. No, he knew it was more than a kiss; that was a whole make out session.

"That was… fun," Sampson said rolling over to look at Jacob.

He nodded in agreement, staring at Sampson, starting at those tantalizing lips down the sculpted chest and abs. He started to go lower, his thoughts starting to go to other places before he forced himself to look back up. Pushing those thoughts to the side, he tried not to think of something else to say. But with his senses overloaded with Sampson, he couldn't distract himself much.

With a smile, Sampson wrapped his arm around Jacob and pulled him in close again. However, this time they just lay in each other's presence, their breathing in sync. The warmth from each other heated them, enjoying each other's company.

**WC: Enough to get 50k!**

Okay…so I thought that last chapter was what I needed for the 50k and to win Nano, but it turned out I somehow got the word count wrong. I discovered I was about 1k words short around 11pm on November 30. So I rushed to write enough to win, hence the reason the start of this chapter was a bit…out there.

Also, Jackie is based off my friend and fellow author WoundedHearts. She said I did a good job with her character, so take that as you will…


	25. Chapter 25: I Really Don't Know

**Chapter 25: I Really Don't Know**

At home that night, Jacob wondered just where this would lead. Where these questions, the answers, and the questions those raised would lead him.

Did he love Sampson?

He wasn't quite sure what love meant. He enjoyed those feelings, he felt safe with Sampson, secure. Their relationship, whatever it was, took him places he couldn't have imagined a couple days ago. And this was so soon, was it too soon?

As he closed his eyes, he could almost feel Sampson still there, the whispers in his ear, the hands massaging his body, touching him in ways that he had never felt before, and the tango of their lips. A still small voice asked him if this was right. A louder voice asked when he'd get to do that again.

Sometimes however, it wasn't the louder one that was right. But ignoring that one was certainly harder. Jacob's mind soon went to knowing that he'd have to tell others. His parents would have to know soon, and surely word would get around the school whether he wanted it to or not. His friends had always bragged when they got a new girlfriend. He remembered when Mark started going out with Brenda last year. Even though they hadn't lasted, even a month, together, it had reached everyone's ears by the end of the day.

And Sampson seemed to be so much more open about this than him, more comfortable. Sampson had agreed to keep it a secret for now, but would that change down the road?

What if he didn't want them to know?

Would Sampson make him choose?

What if someone suspected something, what then?

Lie and say nothing was going on?

Could he lie like that?

Lying was wrong…but at the same time, he wasn't sure everything else he was doing was exactly right.

Did he care any more about what was right?

He wasn't quite sure.

The things Jacob thought he knew for sure seemed so confusing.

Sex before marriage was wrong, or so the Bible taught. But what about the rest? Was looking at a woman lustfully also a sin? Sure, people said it was, even Jesus said that, but could that simply be a hyperbole? And how did things change if he replaced a girl with a guy?

Sin was supposed to be simple. Don't sin, do what is right. But it seemed so grey at times. Besides, what were the wages of sin? A life in hell? No, Christ has already paid for his sins, he was saved, and he'd prayed that prayer.

But…was salvation truly forever?

Could he lose it?

He didn't want to go to hell. Jesus was right, it was better to cast a limb aside and enter into heaven that way. So if the limb was Sampson, and that would cost him his salvation, then it was only logical to throw it away.

Though, his heart ached at the thought of losing Sampson. No one had made him feel like that, touched him in such a way, both physically and emotionally.

As he pondered all these things, he felt his phone vibrate, guessing it would be Sampson. He wondered what would happen if someone found all these texts. His secret would be ruined. Maybe it would be best to just delete them. Then again, if he was going to have to tell them anyway, maybe it was best to keep them. That might not be how he'd want his secret to get out, but it might be a safer option than just telling them.

Things seemed to be moving so fast. He didn't want to rush things, mess it up, for him, Sampson, or anyone else. He felt the trust he placed in Sampson, and that which Sampson placed in him. In a way, the secret of the relationship excited him, made it more fun. Though he knew this season would soon pass.

Should he pray?

Ask God?

But for what?

He felt his phone vibrate again, reminding him of the text. He pulled it out, though to his surprise, it wasn't from Sampson, but from Matt.

'_Hey Jacob, can I ask a favor?  
You there?'_

'_Yeah, what's going on?'_ From Matt's tone in the message, he was afraid of what this meant. Maybe it was good to have his mind taken off of Sampson, it felt like he was being pulled inside out thinking about it.

'_Just pray for me, and ben. Moms in one of her moods tonight.'_

'_Want to come over to my place for the night?'_

'_Don't think she'll let us. And I don't want to make things worse.'_

'_Okay, but don't be afraid to leave if you have to. My door is always open.'_

'_I'll remember that.'_

Jacob didn't get another text after that. He fell face down on his bed, thinking about this. Was he so powerless that all he could do was pray? At the same time, did he even want to pray? Sure, he knew what the Bible said, that he should pray without ceasing, but days like this he wondered how many other things he'd done the Bible would say wasn't right.

If God spoke to him now, what would He say? Jacob clung to the forgiveness Jesus had given him, that God wouldn't count his sins against him. Comforting words, but with the receipt of such a gift was a responsibility. Did he really want to know what God would say to that? He reached for his phone, though it slipped out of his hand, and fell to the floor. He noticed by doing that he had typed the message _'Stewball'_ which made no sense to him.

Maybe he should just go to bed. It was late, his homework was done. Maybe he'd have a better idea of what to do in the morning. As he got up to change into his pajamas, he saw his Bible sitting on his nightstand. Was it time to read that, to see what God's reign would look like in a time like this?

However, he looked aside and got ready for bed.

…

Sometimes it wasn't so simple to understand what was right or wrong, what he wanted or needed, what was love or lust. As Jacob came into school Wednesday, he thought more and more about what he wanted to say to his friends. If his secret got out, then surely he'd face the questions. But if he told them, that might be for the best. The fact that he could feel this is what he wanted to do made him a bit calmer, made it feel like not every eye was staring upon him as he walked through the halls of school.

He saw Matt run down one of the hallways on his way to class, and while he didn't have time to talk to him, he wondered just how things were with him and Ben. The fact that he was there, and at least from a distance, appeared to be normal, was a good sign. Still, he made a mental note to make sure to talk to Matt later on today. Looking at the time, he saw he had to get to class quickly, so started walking faster.

However, rounding the corner, he crashed into someone, knocking them both to the ground, the other kid dropping papers everywhere.

"I'm sorry man," Jacob said, trying to get all the papers back together for him.

"No, that's okay. I've been in a bit of a hurry lately," the other guy said. Jacob looked up handing him a stack of papers and saw it was someone he didn't recognize. Sure, with a thousand or so people in school here, he didn't think he'd know all of them, but still, something seemed different about this one.

"I'm Jacob, a junior here," he said holding out his hand while the other student put all the paper's into a text book for what appeared to be calculus.

"I'm Azaiah. I just started here a couple days ago."

"Family move here?"

"Yeah, something with the military," Azaiah said in haste trying to make sure he had a hold of all his books and stuff.

"At the air force base a bit north of here?" Jacob asked, thinking about several other people he knew who's family worked there, either as military or just civilians.

"Um, yeah, that's the one," Azaiah said as he took off down the hall. "Sorry Jacob; got to go."

Jacob defiantly saw that the kid was in a hurry. If he had to guess, he'd say Azaiah was a freshman, maybe a sophomore, though he doubted it. But hearing the bell ring, he knew he was late for class. Fortunately, he was only a few seconds from his classroom so he was able to slip into class without the teacher caring much. Still, he couldn't help but wonder what caused Azaiah to be in such a hurry. Surely if he was new here, the teacher's would be lenient on him if he was a couple minutes late.

…

It was funny, how long classes seemed to be when his mind was elsewhere. Days when he could focus and take notes they seemed to fly by in a few seconds, while days where his mind wondered he felt like he was being held prisoner for hours.

Finally lunch came and as he made his way to the cafeteria to see how close the descriptions of the food were what they actually gave him. However, Matt got his attention as he made his way down there.

"Hey Jacob."

"What's up Matt?"

"You mind if we talk somewhere… not with a lot of people."

Looking at the numerous students in the cafeteria, he instantly saw how that wouldn't be a good place for a private conversation. Sure, even if whatever he was saying was drowned out by whatever the hundreds of others were talking about, it wouldn't be the place to ensure no one overheard.

"Yeah."

The two of them found their way down one of the halls where obviously everyone was heading somewhere else. They walked in silence for a while, and Jacob could tell by the way Matt was looking down that something was bugging him. He wanted to ask what it was, but decided that Matt would say what he wanted to say when he was ready.

"Jacob," Matt said with a sigh.

"This is about you and Ben?"

"No, I think we're okay there. For now at least."

"Then what?"

"It's about you." Matt looked up, staring into Jacob's eyes. "You and Sampson."

Jacob's eyes went wide and he took a step back. His heart started beating like an engine in an old rusty car. He was surprised no one else could hear it.

"Oh…"

"What's going on with you two?"

Jacob wasn't sure. It felt like he was broken inside. With Sampson, he felt so free, so right. But now with Matt, even without any words condemning him, he knew the truth and it made Jacob want to run.

"We're…" Jacob said, wondering how much he could say without making Matt hate him. Should he hide this relationship with his best friend? And shouldn't Matt be happy that he was happy? Wasn't that what friends were for, to celebrate in the happy times, and cry together in the bad times? "What do you mean?" Jacob asked taking a step away. He couldn't force himself to lie to Matt, especially knowing that Matt had to know something.

"I saw you leaving the church with him. Called your house last night and your dad said that you were at Sampson's."

"I see," Jacob said, nearly feeling the tears coming again. "I guess... we're kind of going out." The words felt like venom as they left his tongue. Jacob swallowed, the passion he felt for Sampson before now feeling toxic, constricting his body and mind.

"Jacob." He felt a hand placed on his shoulder. "Look at me." He turned, not able to run from his best friend. "I'm glad you told me about this. Really, I am. But this isn't what God wants for you."

How could Matt say that? Did he know these feelings, the sensation of Sampson's touch, the warmth of his body? Sampson was his angel, able to comfort him, make all the chaos, and despair fade away. He raised his hand up to his heart. "How do you know?" he asked, starting to get angry with Matt. "When I'm with him, I just know this is what's right."

"Can you trust your heart over the word of God?" Matt asked, and it made Jacob wonder. "I mean, you're my best friend. I love you like a brother and want you to do what makes you happy. But sometimes it's not so easy to figure out."

Jacob took a few breaths, not sure of what to say. He had figured this out. Or at least he thought he had. After all, he'd taken a lot of time thinking about this, and it seemed like it made sense.

"I guess what I'm saying is," Matt said, "Can you honestly say this is what God would want for your life?"

With this, Matt started walking away. Jacob stood there, thinking about his answer. When he was with Sampson, he hardly thought about God. Although, there were a number of times throughout his day when he'd be consumed with something else, so that didn't make it wrong. At least, he didn't think it did.

However, as he began his way back to the cafeteria, he tried answering that question. But all he could say was "I don't really know."


	26. Chapter 26: Twilight's Shadow

**Chapter 26: **Twilight's Shadow

Certainty.

It was something that he should have.

Especially with his faith.

That's what faith was, being certain in something we can only hope for.

As he wondered back towards the cafeteria, being certain of nothing, he wondered what this meant.

Truth was true.

Lies were false.

But what happens when best friends lie and worst enemies tell the truth.

Is it so easy to tell the difference then?

Is it more important to be right than to be popular?

So simple, we teach our children to stand for what is right even if they stand alone.

But what if we think they're wrong?

Should they still hold to that truth then?

What if we're wrong?

What if we're telling God to shine his light on us, when he's lighting up the world, but we're just closing our eyes?

It's not so easy, is it?

Truth and fear

Love and lies.

Can you tell them apart?

Are you so caught in a world of rhetoric and repulsiveness that you don't know what light looks like?

Is your sin so strong?

Is your love so weak?

Why?

When wickedness wounds where we walk, we won't want what we need.

This path isn't one we travel in a day.

No, black and white don't turn to grey so simply.

The choices, the thoughts, the words.

They lead us astray.

To a point where the path of light is clouded by sin.

But sometimes the hardest decision to make,

Is to escape sin, when you're sinking so far.

Jacob pondered these things.

The truths

The lies.

The words he couldn't classify.

Who was right?

Who was wrong?

His heart?

His mind?

His friends?

His boyfriend?

What if they all were?

What if none of them were?

Could he pray?

"God, help me," he said, as he ate.

Surrounded by hundreds, the confused may feel alone. Cast aside by those he knew, cast aside by even his own consciousness.

Who was he?

His name was Jacob.

But he was more than a name.

Who was he?

A student, a musician, an athlete.

No…that was what he was

Who was he?

A Christian, a gay, a friend to many.

But did those define him?

Who was he?

He didn't know.

He didn't stop to consider it much.

Just went on with his life, the labels guiding him.

But if he took those off, who was he?

Not the name his parents gave him.

Not the labels society gave him.

Not even the roles he put on himself.

Was this what it meant to be a child of God?

To be defined by that?

But was it so simple?

No…for Jacob nothing was simple.

He heard the bell, ran off to class.

At least…maybe the class would be simple.

…

Another day come and gone.

Another day where his confusion grew even more.

He wanted the voice of truth to come and make everything make sense. As he was walking to his bus, glad that he didn't see any sign of Sampson or Matt or Eli or any of his other friends for once, he made his way from the school.

"Hey Jacob, you have a minute."

Of course, he couldn't get far.

"What's up?" he asked turning around, seeing Andrew walking toward him. He didn't know Andrew hardly at all, only seeing him around some friends from time to time at the mall or something. In fact, he didn't even think Andrew went to school here. But he shrugged his shoulders, thinking he could have just been mistaken.

"You ran into that Azaiah person today, didn't you?"

Jacob thought back, wondering just where this was going. Not to mention the plot. "Yeah, early on. He seemed like he was in a bit of a hurry."

"I've been looking into things with him," Andrew said getting out a police looking notebook. "I have a few questions for you if you don't mind."

"Um, sure I guess."

"Okay, great. Did he say anything about why he was here?"

"His parent's got a job at the base, he didn't tell me much."

"Just as I expected," Andrew said jotting down some notes. "He's been giving that cover story to everyone it seems. However, it's not true."

"What do you mean?"

"I did some checking after his random appearance here. Neither of his parents are listed as employed, for the government or otherwise. Furthermore, they bought a nice house on the border of the school zone, something unlikely without having jobs. He's 14 years old, but taking AP calc, along with physics. There's something he's hiding."

"How do you know all these things?"

"I have friends who are good with computers. Have you noticed anything strange with him?"

"Not really, I just met him today."

"Interesting."

"What do you mean?"

"He's been quiet, only talking to people when he has to, but the fact that he ran into you says something."

"What do you mean?"

"He ran into you today, right?"

"Yeah, he was in a hurry. Something strange about that?"

"Everything," Andrew said. "He was never late to class, even though he just started here. Despite the fact that he had figured out where everything was, he was in a hurry, and just happened to run into you."

Jacob shrugged his shoulders.

"It probably doesn't mean anything."

"The most fascinating secrets are those that can be hidden in plain sight," Andrew said. "Tell me if you notice anything else." With that, he gave Jacob a business card with a phone number and email on it. This couldn't be anything, right? It wasn't as if Jacob had a boring life and needed some crazy conspiracy theorist yammering on about something that couldn't be anything. But what if Andrew was right? Jacob knew well enough not to discount anything because it didn't make sense a little while ago.

More than figuring out these mysteries, he just wanted a day when things would go as planned. Not one where he'd be constantly questioning everything he knew.

…

**A/N: ***Takes final drink of hot chocolate* Huh, that was interesting. Andrew showing up like that, the Twilight taking over for a bit, Azaiah possibly having a purpose. I look forward to seeing what these all mean. Sure, I thought I knew the direction this was going, but this chapter is making me wonder just exactly what will happen.

Wait…I'm not allowed to review something I wrote here? Yes, I know I'm the author, but I still am intrigued by a good story that surprises me. And before you ask, I don't know what Azaiah is doing here. Thought he was just a cameo from another idea, but he may be up to something. I just hope he knows what's going on.


	27. Chapter 27: Walls Shatter

**Chapter 27:** Walls Shatter

Do you ever have one of those dreams? You're at school, everything is going normal. You see friends, strangers, maybe even those that don't even go there. But then you realize it; you're naked.

You have no idea where you clothes are.

You scramble for them, hope no one will see or notice.

Every stare seems to be on you, every pointed finger in your direction.

Jacob tossed and turned as he had one of those dreams. He tried covering himself, running into the walls of the school, hoping to get away. He burst from the doors, hoping he could make his way home before anyone could see.

How could anyone not see though?

In dreams, these things didn't have to make sense.

He hid behind trees, in bushes, waiting for them to pass before he dashed along. However, as the crowds chased him, pointing, laughing, he felt a strong force stop him. Like Jell-O slamming into a brick wall he felt the world spin around him. The darkness and night, along with light and the sun seemed to cloud him. But as his vision started to return, he saw Sampson before him, the strong arms wrapping around his bare figure before he could know what was happening.

He felt himself lifted up, away from the ground and from the people and their mocking stares. He felt himself walking on clouds, proud for a second, but soon the clouds caught flame, their embers burning him. He ran again, but with each step he took it felt like he was dancing on coals. He cried out for Sampson, but rain drowned out his voice.

In the not so distant sky, he saw a flying penguin smile at him while dancing with a Popsicle.

Before he could question it, he fell through the clouds, though this time he was on the church stage in front of the congregation.

"Jacob," Sampson's voice said while the strong arms wrapped around him again. He looked and saw they were both naked but felt no shame just letting themselves fully embrace each other. Voices cried out, but he didn't hear them.

At least not until Sampson faded away. He fell to the cold ground below. He screamed as the crowd fell over him, strangling him, keeping him from moving. He cried out without a voice. He screamed but there was no answer.

Finally, his eyes awoke to his room, and saw that it had just been a twisted dream. The faint light of his room pierced the shadows that the dream kept him wrapped up in. He moved his hand up to his heart, hoping to calm the beating in his ears. He then noticed his shirt was wrapped around his neck, somehow intertwined with the blankets. Undoing the knots, he was able to breathe normally, but the feelings of the dream seemed all too real. He could still tell he was excited about being with Sampson like that. But with all the pleasure of that which remained, the pain of the burning clouds and the attack of the crowd.

He'd never been scared like that before from a dream. Was this a sign? A warning?

No, this was crazy, just his mind going through processing all of this.

The sound of branches shattering caught Jacob's attention, causing him to leap out of bed and run to the window. Throwing open the window shade, he saw some leaves falling to the ground along with a couple sticks. He looked up and thought he saw something in the sky, though it was too dark to tell. A bird, a plane? He shrugged his shoulders, seeing it was still 6 o'clock, and decided he should probably just go to bed and try having some normal dreams. Or at least dreams where he wasn't more tired after waking up then he was when he went to bed.

…

While for most students, classes were the worst part of the day, for Jacob he enjoyed them. They were simple, they made sense. He'd answer a question, do some work, however; today he couldn't help but noticing Azaiah in his second period chemistry class. Azaiah was near the back of the room, taking some notes in silence. Jacob kept looking back, trying not to draw attention to himself. Maybe Andrew was just crazy with his theory. Azaiah could be a completely normal kid. Maybe a smart one, but that didn't mean anything strange was going on. Not overly anyway.

"Azaiah, what's the molar mass of Nitrogen in its molecular form?" the teacher asked.

"Um, 28.0."

Jacob was surprised that he knew that without even looking down at the book or period table. True, that wasn't a rare element, but Jacob was sure that he'd at least have to check the table to remember it. But surely he was worrying about nothing. Besides, if this new kid were hiding something than he'd be more discrete in blending in. Jacob was new once, it wasn't worth looking at everything he did for an alternative motive. He'd just talk to him after class some; maybe get to know him a bit.

As Jacob exited class, he hung around the door, waiting for Azaiah to come out. However, as he did so, Ben called his name, causing him to turn around. He instantly thought about the family problems Ben and Matt were going through earlier in the week.

"What's going on Ben?"

"Couldn't sleep last night," he answered and Jacob could tell from the look of weariness on his face that he was struggling to stay awake now. He saw what appeared to be the imprint of a desk across his cheek.

"Why not?"

"Mom. I think it has something to do with Dad being gone next week, so we're staying with her."

"She doesn't want you there?"

"I don't know. She'll be talking about how she's so glad we'll be together as a family for Thanksgiving, but then go on about how Dad isn't pulling his weight and he's running away from his responsibility. Apparently Mom had some plans to hang out with some friends or something but we're getting in the way of it. Then last night, she got drunk again, and said that we were ruining her life."

Jacob shook his head, wondering just how bad things could get with them. However, he soon found that the words to comfort Ben just weren't there. What could he say? Things would get better? That he'd be there? What good would those do?

"I'm so sorry. Were you okay?"

"Yeah, she passed out on the couch, but I was still so scared."

Ben leaned against one of the walls. Feeling the weight of Ben's pain, Jacob stood beside him, and wrapped an arm around him.

"I ended up sleeping in Matt's bed, or at least tried to. I don't know, every time I'd start to fall asleep, I'd hear something and jolt back awake. I locked the door and kept getting up to make sure it was still locked, but it didn't seem to help me rest any." Ben kept forcing tears back. "You probably think I'm pathetic, don't you?"

"Not at all," Jacob said with a shake of his head. "I think you're brave for going through all this. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything."

"You did though."

"What?"

"Talking to me," Ben said with a smile, as he hugged Jacob. "Thank you."

"Anytime," Jacob said.

"Sorry for keeping you, I'm sure you're almost late for class." With that, Ben broke away, and Jacob sighed. If it meant making Ben feel even a little bit better, than he was more okay with missing class. He said a quick prayer before making his way to his third period class, glad that it was at least nearby.

Compared to what Ben was going through, Jacob knew how meaningless all his struggles truly were. Sure, he had questions, a bit of fear maybe, but nothing like this. He wished he could do more, but perhaps what Ben needed right now was just a friend, someone who could make things better just by being there. As Jacob left for his class, he wondered just what more could be done. Even if he didn't know much, or couldn't do much, he had to be able to do something.

…

After classes ended for the day and he made his way to leave school, he saw Azaiah seeming to be in a hurry running somewhere, but with all the other people, Jacob couldn't reach him. He wondered once again about all those things Andrew said. Either way, he felt bad for that kid being all alone. But still, when he disappeared along side one of the walls, Jacob gave up trying to find him.

He then ran into Darris, and thought about the basketball tryouts that were only a couple days ago. Darris seemed to read his mind, saying, "You see they posted the results for the first cuts?"

"They did?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah, over by the gym."

"Sweet, thanks." Jacob got his hopes up, thinking that maybe he had been able to manage to get by the first cut. If anything, this would get the burden away, so he'd know for sure.

As he walked over there, he saw Sampson looking over several papers, and Jacob guessed he was doing the same thing. He figured Sampson wouldn't have a problem making the team again, he was on it last year, and it was always better to take someone with experience over a new person.

Jacob wound his way through the masses of people making their way out of the school. He felt a backpack shoved into his shoulder, but pushed by it, seeing that he was going against the flow of people. Finally he made it to the wall.

"Checking out the cuts made too?" Sampson asked to which Jacob nodded. He looked at the top of the sheet which told those that were on there to return for the next round the coming Monday after the Thanksgiving break. He looked down the names, seeing Sampson's and a few of the other players that he didn't exactly remember. However, upon reaching the bottom and going back up a couple times, he noticed that he wasn't on there at all.

With a sigh, he started walking away. "I didn't make it."

"Dude, there's a second list here."

Jacob turned and saw that this list was much shorter. It was labeled those who were selected for the team. "Huh?" He went down there, seeing his name at the bottom of the three students.

It didn't make any sense though. What had he done to stand out so much? He wasn't that good, he didn't score a single basket, wasn't overly strong or fast or anything? But why?

"You did it, man."

He felt Sampson's hand on his shoulder, and no matter how it happened, he was there. Among the best, though he couldn't quite figure out why. His smile grew as he took it in, the truth of it becoming more and more clear. He made it. He'd proved them wrong, and more importantly himself. "I made it." His voice was only a whisper. Jacob felt his breaths growing fainter. He wanted to shout, scream, dance around the halls, or maybe all three at once. He turned and looked up to Sampson. "I really made it."

"I knew you could do it."

Without sparing a thought, he jumped into Sampson's arms, and kissed him on the lips. For a second, he was filled with the peace and joy that only his boyfriend could give him. Though that second soon ended as the silence befell them. With eyes open he looked into every eye staring at him. His mouth went dry and his heart seemed to stop. He feel into Sampson's arms, sure if they weren't there he would have fainted. Fingers began being raised, questions began being whispered.

Sampson stared at him with a look of shock while Jacob couldn't do anything, not even move.

"You got a problem with that?" Sampson yelled to the crowd.

The whispers became louder; some people walked away, others stepped forward.

"What's wrong with a guy kissing his boyfriend?" Sampson asked. "I've certainly seen some of you do more than that during class."

_Sick_

_Twisted_

_Gross_

_Disgusting_

He couldn't tell where the words came from, but looking down at Jacob, who was still in shock, Sampson wanted to quiet them all, to show Jacob he had nothing to fear, that the crowds had nothing to hate. Though hate would come. He'd accepted that long ago. But for the cause of love, he would accept the hate as well.

"What do you think you're doing?" a guy asked walking up to the couple. "Jacob?"

Jacob saw that he knew this person, he went to their church. They'd worked together on several projects around the church.

"Simon."

"I thought I knew you better than this," Simon said shaking his head.

"You know him?" Sampson asked.

"Yeah, Jacob goes to my church. Thought he was a pretty cool kid too. Guess I was wrong."

"Maybe you were wrong. If being cool means just fitting in and not being yourself," Sampson said. "Maybe if it means doing whatever everyone says is right, not what you truly want. You know, I really hate people like you. Those who think they're so much better than everyone who's only a little bit different. I'll tell you what, I'm pretty sure you put your pants on one leg at a time just like me. And I'd bet your shit stinks just as bad as mine."

"Jacob…" Simon said before trailing off.

"Yeah," Jacob finally said. "We're going out." He tried calming himself, so he wouldn't pass out. "We have been for several days."

"How could you?"

"You don't understand," Jacob said taking a step forward and out of Sampson's arms. "I've felt this way about him for months. Try living with it, what I've been taught for so long slamming against everything my hearts wanting. And Sampson is who I want. I don't care what you think about me. Call me gay, it's true."

Jacob then walked through the crowds as they split like the red sea, with Sampson walking behind him. He held his head high, still feeling like he was going to faint at any moment. But with the shadow cast on him by his boyfriend, he kept going strong.


	28. Chapter 28: The Lonely Road

**Chapter 28: The Lonely Road**

It was as if demons were breathing down his neck with every stop on the bus, every person walking by that he couldn't look at, couldn't feel the condemnation. Was this his conscience talking, telling him that he shouldn't be going out with Sampson? Was it the guilt of his secret sin finally making itself known? Songs would say to listen to your heart, but what would you do when your heart wants to dig a tunnel and die?

He didn't know.

He wanted to leave the country, skip the continent, and go to another planet where no one would know. But he knew how impossible and illogical that was. To cast aside the doubt would be too much, and at times like that he wanted to dwell in the illogical, to not care about truth or facts. Maybe the easiest course of action would be to build a time machine, to stop himself from even kissing Sampson. Or better yet, stop himself from going to the party where this whole mess started. Yes, that party, that was the turning point that started this whole spiral downward into a world he never knew, or never wanted to know.

Why did he have to feel this way?

Why had he been cursed so?

No…they didn't understand. They just saw it as disgusting, which Jacob knew wasn't far from the truth. With every touch he'd felt the gnawing of guilt, but he'd ignored it. Could it be that gnawing feeling was his conscience? Did he have to let this go, accept the stares and the whispers and hope they'd one day fade away?

But the thought of throwing it away made him sick as well.

Right and wrong,

Truth and lies,

Sin and love,

Could they be one in the same?

He wanted Sampson here now to tell him things would be all right; to give him courage to stand for what he knew was right. But even so, what was truly right? To follow the heart above all things, or to follow what the priests and pastors said. Which one was right? Which one would find favor in the eyes of God?

The answers to those… he didn't know. Or maybe he didn't want to know.

They say that truth will set a person free,

But what happens when the truth has been twisted by society, thrown in with garbage, dragged through mud, and yanked from any meaning it once had?

His stop finally came and he made his way to his house. He unlocked the door and walked inside, hoping, maybe even praying that at least his parents didn't know. He knew he couldn't hide this forever, they had ears, so surely they'd find out soon enough. But just when, or how? He didn't know.

"Afternoon Jacob," his dad said.

"Hey," he took a seat on the couch, trying to let the stress of the day flow away, but he could already imagine all the questions and suspicions that they could have.

"How was your day?" Jim asked.

He was pretty sure his answer could fill a whole novel, or at least a chapter of one. But he didn't feel like saying all the details for obvious reasons. "Good I guess. Kind of crazy." He gave a shrug of his shoulders.

"Classes keep you busy?"

"Something like that."

"A lot of homework tonight?"

"Some." He went through his classes in his mind. There were a few problems for chemistry and math, and a short paper for English. Nothing too bad, if he kept focused on it. However, classes were the simple part of school. There was a right and wrong way to do the problems, a set path to an answer. Even in classes that didn't have a set right or wrong answer, there was still a clear path to take. He just wished the rest of his life could be that easy.

"Any other plans for tonight?"

Jacob shook his head. "With the youth group taking the week after Thanksgiving off, we don't need to have practice until after then."

Jim nodded. "That's not a bad thing. You guys work hard, a little rest is a good thing."

"Anything happen with you today?"

Jim shook his head. "Went in to the church for a few hours today, needed to handle some paper work and other things. Nothing exciting." Over the years Jacob had come to appreciate all the details that went into running a church. Most people just saw the pastor giving his message every week, the band performing, maybe those who were more deeply involved saw the volunteers that helped make the weekends possible along with various gatherings throughout the week. However, for Jim, that was only the beginning. The few times Jacob went in to help with something when his dad was working, Jim would just be in his office for hours taking care of the financial reports. Relying only on the congregation's gifts made forming a budget a matter of faith, and ensuring bills could be paid when the giving slowed was one of the responsibilities Jacob had seen his dad shoulder throughout the years.

"All right, I'm going to get started on my homework, get me when dinner is ready."

…

After making a good dent in his math homework, Jacob thought about his prompt for English. He stared at it a few times, trying to figure out just what to do with it. 'What lessons does The Metamorphosis, impart about how to live a life? Compare and contrast this to other stories we have read.'

Thinking through his English class, this was far from the first time he'd had to write about a subject like this. His teacher always seemed to focus on the lessons the stories they read were teaching. Mr. Futril seemed to dwell on just what it meant to live a life, what defined a good life and what defined a wasted life. That was one thing Jacob liked about English, learning something about a story that wasn't clear right away, seeing the mystery that dwelled with in. He thought about the Twilight Chronicles he'd read a couple weeks ago, thinking about how in some ways the stories overlapped though they were from such different ages and told a different plot. He thought about how Gregory, the main character of The Metamorphosis became something inhuman, something scorned and rejected. That was the obvious answer, as he became cast aside to one day die. But the meaning there wasn't so simple, as stories never were. He thought about the Fourth and Fifth Night from the Twilight Chronicles, how they both contrasted hope and despair, showing different sides to a character, one a story to tell, the other a truth kept hidden from even the main character's brother. Jacob began writing, trying to figure out exactly what these pieces meant and hoping that his interpretation would be close enough to his teacher's. He wondered if the character's in the two pieces were similar. Both changed by forces they couldn't control or understand, both surely cast aside if the truth was known, both doomed to die from the start.

After starting his paper, glad to be lost in the ideas of another world, he was startled out of it by a text from none other than Sampson.

In a way, he was glad, though a part of him wanted to shut his phone off before he got dragged back into this mess.

He didn't.

'_You okay…you know after today'_

'_A little bit better now. They just all know now'_

'_You did the right thing'_

'_Huh?'_

'_Standing up for yourself, not caring what they think. I'm proud of you'_

Why did he care so much what they thought? Sampson was proud of him, which took some of the worry away. So what, some people wouldn't like it. It didn't matter what he did, some people wouldn't be happy with it, so why bother caring about them? He wondered when this yoyo of confusion and certainty would finally be straightened out. He guessed, it wouldn't be for a while; every time Jacob thought he had it figured out something threw him back into confusion.

'_They'll call me gay now.'_

'_It's true, isn't it?'_

'_Yeah, it is.'_

'_I love you Jacob.'_

Jacob set his phone away, going back to his homework before he was called away for dinner.

…

Like it always seemed to be, dinner was simple, a few casual conversations, though Jacob felt significantly less stressed now than talking to his dad earlier in the day. For a moment, he wanted to forget all that had happened, pretend it was just a bad dream that he'd woken up from. But unlike those dreams, where he things he had a project due that day he forgot about, or that he was fighting crime as Batman, he was soon jolted back to the reality of this dream by his phone vibrating.

Even though he was at the dinner table, they were getting everything cleaned up, so he didn't feel bad at peeking at the text he'd gotten. This one was from a number he didn't know, and only read one word, _'Fag.'_ He shoved it back in his pocket, and went to help his family clean dishes. He hoped that doing something like that would make it easier to ignore what had to be coming.

…

After dinner, he went back up to his room, and tried to pour himself back into finishing his homework. Though to his dismay, it only took him about half an hour to do so. For once, he wanted it to take longer, keep his mind off of the real world for just a bit. He opened his laptop up, decided he could watch a movie to burn some time, though knew once it ended he'd be right back where it started.

He searched through the DVDs he had on his bookcase, looking for something that didn't require any thinking. However, before he found a good one, there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," he said.

"Jacob," his mom said, "I found your phone in the on the floor downstairs."

"Oh, thanks. It must have fallen out of my pocket." As he took the phone back, he noticed the green light flashing telling him he had a text.

"Be more careful with it, you don't want to lose it."

"I will."

While his mom left the room, he unlocked his phone, seeing the notification said that he had three new messages. He dismissed those, and went to the text messages directly, though instead he found there were four there, after the last one with Sampson. He shrugged it off; computers had a habit of being unreliable. To his dismay, he saw all 4 of them were from numbers he didn't know, and each one tore more and more at him.

'_What the hell are you doing calling yourself a guy?'_

'_My sister needs someone to go shoe shopping with her, want to go?'_

'_Get out of here you sick fag.'_

'_You want to suck my dick, don't you?'_

He slammed the phone down on the desk, grateful for the case to protect it. He shook his head, trying to forget, trying to think of something else. He reached for a movie on the shelf, something with lots of explosions and senseless violence. Maybe that would take him away from all this, at least for a time.

However, it had only been hours since the secret got out. He dared to check facebook, see what awaited him there. He was terrified at what school would bring tomorrow morning. Maybe he could fake being sick, just stay home, let the weekend come and make people forget. Maybe even stay home that Monday too, having all of Thanksgiving break to let this pass would be enough. But would that be fair to Sampson? Surely he was getting all this harassment too. Still, Sampson was ready to stand up to them before Jacob was.

What should he do?


	29. Chapter 29: Love and Hate

**Chapter 29: Love and Hate**

Later that night, once Jacob had let his mind drift into one of his favorite movies, he didn't feel like daggers made of words were being thrown at him every second. He made the mistake of looking over to the desk where his phone was sitting, and saw that the light was flashing once again, telling him he had a text. He considered for a moment that it could be someone he wanted to talk to, but decided it was best just to ignore it. He'd had enough for one day; any important messages could surely wait till tomorrow.

Something didn't settle right with just running like that. It was as if he was trying to pretend his problems didn't exist. Which really, Jacob knew that was true. The movie, ignoring the phone, not wanting to talk to anyone, that's all it was. The truth came out; there would be consequences from that. He knew he had to let go the walls he had built up, and that even if someone was waiting in the shadows for him, he had to stay strong. Even if his heart was divided, even if it felt like he was walking through fire, even if he wanted it to go away.

It never could.

He thought about his bed, how even though it was only a little after ten, he felt tired. Sure, going to bed now would make him less tired come morning, but in a way he was afraid to dream again. Some say dreams are just the products of our subconscious, meaningless visions and noises. But after all his dreams recently, he wondered if they were something more.

His phone began ringing and he walked over to it, not sure if it was something he even wanted to answer. Turning it over, he saw Matt's name pop up and he wondered just what this could be about. Thinking about their conversation only a day or so ago, he knew all too well what he'd hear if he answered the phone. No, he wasn't just a kid with sick desires, now he was a full-blown gay; he'd proclaimed it to the world.

But still, Matt was his friend. He wouldn't say all those things that the others were.

But this is what made Jacob even more afraid. Those others, he could try to ignore. Sure, their words hurt, but he could just throw them aside and move on. Matt on the other hand, anything he said wouldn't be so easily tossed aside.

Deciding to answer it, facing whatever words would come, Jacob picked up his phone. "Hey Matt, what's up?" he asked, though could feel his weariness in his own voice.

"Jacob, I can't talk long, but can you do me a favor." Matt was talking in little more than a whisper, and was speaking really fast too.

"What is it?"

"Can Ben stay over at your house tonight?" That was the last thing he thought Matt would want to talk to him about. Though hearing the problems they'd had, how Ben couldn't sleep only a couple nights ago, it didn't seem like much of a surprise now.

"Yeah sure."

"Thanks. We'll be there in five."

Jacob sighed. Either Matt didn't know, or didn't pay any attention to what happened after school. But that seemed such a small amount of good news compared to whatever Ben was going through now. The fact remained that Matt was this desperate, so things had to have gotten even worse with their mom. Jacob wondered exactly what was going on, but figured Matt could share what details he could when they got here.

Jacob then walked out of his room and began going downstairs, to make sure his parents were okay with this. They didn't like having friends over on school nights, but hoped he could convince them to make an exception without breaking his promise to keep what was going on with Matt's family a secret.

"Hey Mom, Dad, would Ben be able to spend the night here tonight?"

"That's Matt's brother, right?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, that's him."

"I'd rather not, with a school night and all, you need your sleep. Not to mention he's coming so late." Jim shook his head.

"Yeah, but-"

"Is there a reason your asking so suddenly?" his mom asked.

"Ruth?" his father asked.

His mom looked up from her chair and held her chin in her hand. "It's not like you to ask something like this so soon. Is there something going on that you'd like to tell us?"

Jacob began sweating. Surely they'd understand if he told them the truth and do whatever they could to help. But he wondered if that could make things even worse for Matt and Ben.

"Well…um." Jacob couldn't find the words to convince them.

"Can't say, can you?"

Jacob shook his head at his mom.

"I understand. I can't say I'm a big fan of secrets, but I guess they have their place."

"Ruth?" Jacob's dad asked.

"We've raised our boy right. There comes a time when we have to trust him. He may not want to tell us everything about his life. I seem to recall you being like that with your dad when you were his age."

Jim just crossed his arms and gave a short "hmph" at that.

"I don't think he'd ask something like this without a really good reason, especially not this suddenly."

"You're okay with it then?" Jacob asked.

"Sure," she said with a nod. "But remember, I have a shift that starts at 4 in the morning, so I'm going to be going to bed soon. Your father has a meeting an all day meeting at church. So we'll likely be gone when you two get up and for some time after. So try to be quiet tonight."

"All right, we will." Jacob could see his dad about to say something, but he was cut off by a knock at the door.

Jacob went to open it and saw Matt and Ben standing there. Ben looked like he had been crying, though had since stopped. The two of them were wearing black that would have made them invisible if it weren't for the porch light shining on them.

"Thank you Jacob," Matt said.

"What happened?" Jacob asked.

"She snapped. I don't know how else to put it. I didn't feel safe there, and knew that I couldn't just leave Ben with her."

"What about you?"

"I have places I can go. I didn't want to take Ben with me, in case she sends the cops after us. That way if they find me, he'll be safe."

"It's that bad?"

"Afraid it might be," Matt said somberly. "I can't stay long. Thank you Jacob, you don't know how much this means to me."

"No problem."

With that, Matt turned and began walking away to a car that appeared to be parked a couple houses down the way.

"Come on in, Ben," Jacob said.

"Thank you."

As they entered the house, Jacob saw his parents turning off the TV and likely going to bed. "Nice to see you again Ben," his mom said.

"You too."

"There's some left overs in the fridge if you're hungry, help yourself."

Ben nodded in response as he and Jacob went upstairs.

As Jacob sat on his bed, trying to understand just what could have happened to Matt and Ben. As Ben stood over him, he thought he could see a bruise on Ben's cheek, though once the younger boy turned to him, Jacob saw it was just a shadow.

"Thanks for letting me stay here," Ben softly said.

"What happened with her?" Jacob asked. However, Ben simply sighed in response as he sat beside the bed, leaning up to it and pulling his knees up to his chin. "Sorry, I guess you might not want to talk about it."

"It's okay," Ben said, though Jacob could tell that despite the reassuring words, that Ben was a mess inside. It was only so long that someone could live, acting like everything was perfect, but soon enough they would fall apart. People were good at keeping their masks up, even from their closest friends and family. "Matt just kept telling me things would get better soon."

Jacob leaned over on the bed so his head was hanging off the side of it where he could face Ben. "I'm sure they will," Jacob said with as reassuring smile as he could.

"I don't know if they can. If Mom finds out I'm here, she'll probably actually do it."

"Do what?"

"I can't talk about it," Ben said burying his face into his knees, so that Jacob could barely hear what he said.

Jacob could feel his heart breaking for his friend. What could he do? What could anyone do? For a moment, he looked up at his ceiling, saying a wordless prayer that God would take this away from Ben, though he really had no idea how that would work without a whole lot of pain in the process. He thought that maybe his mom would repent of this, but that seemed unlikely. He didn't even know how bad things were for Ben; he knew that even with him here and safe, the weight of that world was still crushing him.

"Don't worry, if you want to I'll listen, but don't say anything you don't want to."

Ben nodded, and as his head rose, Jacob could see the tears running down it, the memories seeming to bulge through his fragile face. Even here, even now, Jacob could feel himself about to cry too, for pain that wasn't his, but pain that he could do nothing about. He wanted to tell Ben that this wasn't the way it had to be, but couldn't offer any suggestions. He wanted to give him a way to escape, to get away from all this, but had nowhere he could run. And even if he did, running was hard, even from something that we know is wrong. How many times do people stay when they know the future could be so much brighter if they just ran?

"I hope Matt's okay," Ben said.

"Do you know where he's going?"

"Someplace up north. Said he had some friends there, but didn't tell me where exactly. I wish he'd take me with him though." Ben took a few heavy breaths as he stared out the window. "Not that I'm not glad to be here," he added as an after thought.

"I know what you mean. I'm worried about him too." Despite the lights of the houses, and the city around them, Jacob could still see a couple faint stars in the distance. Like those stars, hope seemed so far away, answers buried in the darkness. Ben couldn't stay here forever, though Jacob wondered if there would be a way he could. He'd be safe, he wouldn't be scared, and in a way, Jacob would have a brother.

Sure, he knew it was impossible, but it sometimes seemed the impossible was what happened most. He wanted for the impossible, for Matt and Ben's family to be restored into a place where they could feel safe and loved. He wanted the impossible, for his church to be put back together, with Pastor Green at the head of it once again. He wanted the impossible, for himself in school, for his secret to stay just that, for the hate, the pain to go away.

But as he prayed for the impossible, he thought about what he had still. He had friends, family; even if so much had been shattered. "When do you think he'll be coming back?" Ben asked after a few moments of silence.

"He's done this before a couple times, hasn't he?"

"Yeah… but things were never this bad."

"When did he come back then?"

"Normally after a day or two. I dunno; he seemed to grab enough food and stuff to last a few days."

Jacob wondered how long he could keep Ben here. His mom had let Ben stay tonight without any questions, but surely she'd start asking them if he stayed another night. Especially since it was just Ben, and not Matt. That would have to raise suspicion. He wondered just what Matt was thinking, leaving without Ben. But Jacob didn't know everything, he didn't pretend to. Sometimes he just had to have faith in his friends when he couldn't know everything. Trust in what he couldn't fully understand, knowing that sometimes he never would.

"Well, you're always welcome here if you need it," Jacob said, hoping his promise would hold true. He'd find a way to make it true, he couldn't just turn a friend away when he needed it.

Ben seemed to nod and then grew quiet again. Jacob let his mind wonder through the day and night, thinking of all that had happened. He certainly hadn't had a calm life these past few weeks. However, he was broken out of his thoughts by the sound of snoring coming from beside him. Leaning against the bed, Ben had fallen asleep. Jacob smiled, glad that Ben could find some place to rest peacefully.

Knowing that wasn't the most comfortable place, Jacob got off his bed as quietly as he could and went to his closet getting out his spare blanket. He placed it on top of Ben, and fashioned a pillow out of a spare set of sheets. He carefully moved Ben from the side of the bed and laid him on the floor, happy to see him sleep so peacefully. "Night Ben."

"Love you, Matt," Ben said. Though all he had were broken hearts and whispers, Jacob could believe that with some rest, things might improve. He turned the light off and bent down placing his hand on Ben's head.

"Love you too, Ben."

With that, Jacob changed into his pajamas and got in bed, hoping that the next day might bring some relief, for both him and Ben.


	30. Chapter 30: Storms

**Chapter 30: Storms**

Later on that night, when the stars were shining and Jacob was sleeping, not so far from him was a young man lost in the world of his own dreams. For Ben, the night meant mystery, fear, the thought that every time he closed his eyes he'd never be able to see light again. He knew how crazy it was, but when a way of life exists for so long, the crazy seems normal and the nonsensical becomes the every day.

He shook as a bolt of lightning struck outside, rolling over, away from the flashing lights, and pounding sounds. In his head, dreams that were nothing more than colorless images and non-memorable sounds wondered through his consciousness, and while to the waking mind they would make no sense, they frightened him and filled him with dread. As the moments and seconds passed, another lightning strike caused him to sit up, thinking he was late for school, but as his eyes flashed open, he saw where he was now. He placed his hand against his chest as he took some heavy breaths.

"That was just a dream," he whispered, as another rumble of thunder seemed to shake the room. Storms never let him rest as well as he would have liked. Sure, he knew the house would protect them, that a little thunder and lightning didn't mean much. But still, he'd heard the stories of houses blown away by tornados, lived through hurricanes, and saw the damage they had done. Sure, this was nothing like them, or so he hoped.

But that didn't stop the fear.

Nothing stopped the fear.

He closed his eyes, covered his ears under the sheets he found had been turned into a pillow as more thunder rumbled through. No matter how much he covered his eyes or ears, the storm made itself known. Uncovering his head he looked up, seeing Jacob sleeping in the bed, seeming so calm, so carefree. Ben hoped all his tossing and turning wouldn't wake Jacob up. It seemed strange, how Jacob could sleep so soundly through the storm. He wondered how anyone could sleep at all through this. Did he hear it? Was he able to ignore the storm? Ben pondered just how much the storm was a reflection of what he knew was inside. A raging conflict, questions of loyalty and hope. How do you hate someone you were told to love? How do you doubt someone you were told to trust?

Ben didn't know…

He knew it should be simple, as black and white as good and evil. But he also knew how many shades of grey there were. Under the lens of one eye, one would see a dark night, while under another lens one would see a new day. So different, yet just the same. However, for Ben, he had no way of knowing just what was true.

Rolling over again, trying to drown out the sounds of the storm, he forced himself to think of something, anything else, things that made him happy, made him shout for joy. He remembered last Christmas, when his parents were still together, and for all he knew, they were a happy family, not about to fall apart at the seams.

Things changed though. Ben laid on his back and stared at the ceiling. Through all the turmoil of the night, he felt the worry start to fade away. He heard Jacob moving around in the bed beside him, and for a second let himself believe that this was how life would be. That even while storms would come; he'd still be safe. Ben wanted to believe it, and letting his mind rest for a moment, he closed his eyes and slept through the next bolt of thunder.

…

Jacob awoke to his alarm a few hours later, nearly forgetting Ben was in the room with him until he heard the groaning of another person not quite ready for an alarm to be waking them up. Why did the world decide that school should start so early? What was wrong with a start time of noon? That would make more sense. But because Jacob knew how unlikely it was for the adult population to change the time for school to start today, he slowly pulled the covers off himself and clumsily fumbled for the off button on the alarm. He wanted to go back to sleep, ignore the alarm and places he had to be.

Looking below his bed, he stepped over Ben, who had started to wake up as well. Ben had pushed himself up off the floor some, but then collapsed back down his face landing in his makeshift pillow. "You awake Ben?" Jacob sleepily asked.

Ben muffled something that Jacob thought sounded like 'killer penguins' but knew that couldn't be it. He then turned his head to the side and looked up at Jacob. "I didn't wake back up," Ben said much more coherently this time.

"You have trouble sleeping?" Jacob asked.

Ben nodded as he sat up. "I had some dreams that woke me up."

"What about?"

"I think Mom or something. Don't really remember it. But then with the storm, I had trouble falling back to sleep."

"It stormed?" Jacob asked walking over to the window. He pulled the blinds up, seeing through the faint light of the rising sun that the ground looked muddier than normal.

"Yeah, a bunch of thunder and lightning. I've always had trouble sleeping through storms like that."

"You're afraid of storms then?"

Ben nodded self-consciously. "I know I'm safe here, but it's hard to forget about all those stories I've seen."

Jacob closed the blinds and turned back toward Ben. "Sometimes it doesn't matter how much sense things make." Thinking back to when he was a little kid, Jacob remembered hiding in his closet when he heard the storms coming at night, when a lightning bolt made him fall out of bed and hit his face on the carpet. Against the power of nature, human beings truly seemed powerless. "I need to pee, I'll be back soon," Jacob said walking to the door while careful to avoid Ben.

"Okay."

Though he felt tired, Ben didn't feel as drained as he normally did after getting up. He slept through most of the storm. He wasn't constantly bombarded by nightmares. Slowly getting up, he felt secure, like a blanket was keeping his joy from escaping. He walked over to the window and looked outside, seeing a tree with a few sticks lying along the ground and the leaves dripping with rain. He could nearly smell the new fallen rain quenching the world's thirst.

A minute or so later, Jacob came back into the room. "The bus comes in about 45 minutes." Ben looked over at the clock near Jacob's bed, seeing it was a little bit after seven. "I can get you some towels if you want to go shower before then."

"I'd just be getting back in dirty clothes though."

"I can get you some of my old ones. They may be a bit big, but I'm sure they'll be fine."

"Okay, thank you."

Grabbing a couple towels out of the dresser drawer, Jacob handed them to him. Once Ben left the room, Jacob looked through his closet for clothes he thought would fit Ben. He found an old pair of jeans and a Thousand Foot Krutch t-shirt from a concert he went to a couple years ago. While he didn't know much about Ben's taste in music, he figured that would work. After finding some clothes for himself, he went to his laptop and opened it up. As soon as the Internet connected, he saw he had a number of emails, most of them from Facebook, and had a feeling he knew what they were about.

He sighed, wondering just what he could do. He could hide from emails and text messages for a little while. But he couldn't hide from school. Sure, it was one thing to say something through words on a screen; it was another to say them to his face. But he knew that wouldn't stop some people. And it was those words that hurt the most.

Jacob thought about just skipping school; claiming he was sick, figure out an excuse. But that would buy him what, a day? Though if he timed it right he might be able to fit a weekend or two in there. Still, it wouldn't solve anything; it would just be running away. He wanted to stay strong for Ben, push these things aside. But could he do it so easily? He was glad he hadn't woken Ben up when he was jolted out of those dreams. Finding himself running from strangers and people he knew, friends and enemies becoming the same. He couldn't remember how many different dreams there had been, but he was pretty sure he was stabbed in one, hit in the head with a shovel in another, and shot at least once in yet another. Jacob really hoped that wasn't foreshadowing anything.

He sighed, closing his laptop and turning around in his chair. He'd face those later. Right now, he had to just deal with school for the day. Maybe he'd find Sampson, stick near him. People were less likely to pick on someone who wasn't alone. He had a feeling this wasn't going to be an easy day.

Ben came back into the room, wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist, and Jacob looked up for a second, seeing his slender build, even slimmer than his own. Jacob noticed Ben having some definition along his chest and abs. though seeing Ben like that forced his gaze to go to the floor. He had to admit Ben was cute. Not as strong or hot as Sampson but…

What was he doing?

He couldn't be thinking about Ben that way!

"Clothes are over there on the bed," Jacob said, trying to act as perfectly normal as possible. He turned, still looking at the floor and saw a towel drop to the ground, and he had to stop himself from looking up.

"Thanks."

There was nothing weird about this.

Nothing at all.

He didn't think anything of the fact that there was a cute boy, who just so happened to be naked with him in the room right now.

They were just friends.

No relationship.

No possibility for a relationship.

Besides, Jacob knew Ben wasn't gay, even if he was; Jacob had Sampson. And even more importantly, after all that Ben had been through, thinking about a romance with him wouldn't be right at all.

"I'm going to go get some breakfast," Jacob said, thinking that would be a good enough reason to leave the room. "Feel free to come down if you want some."

"All right, I'll be there soon."

Jacob got up from his seat, making sure he had his back to Ben. He didn't want those images in his mind, because he knew how quickly an image could be planted there and impossible to get rid of. That wouldn't be right to Ben, or Matt who trusted this to be a safe place.

Jacob went downstairs, trying to think of something that didn't fill him with guilt or dread. Maybe pondering the wonders of trigonometry would do it. Sure, that would keep his mind occupied. He went through the steps of deriving the formula for arc-secant, and its relationship to tangent while he poured himself a bowl of cereal.

As he ate, he looked up at the ceiling, praying to the God above this whole earth in motion asking the simple question of why. Why was he feeling this way for Ben? Sure, he knew being attracted to people was normal, and he had accepted the fact he was attracted to guys, so that meant thinking Ben was cute shouldn't be a surprise. But right now that was the last thing he wanted to complicate things.

Nothing had to come of this.

Nothing WOULD come of this.

He'd make sure of it.

A little bit later, Ben came downstairs, fully clothed, and Jacob waved to him. They had a normal breakfast, even though with the evil school system starting so early, they knew they didn't have much time. Jacob only hoped that this day wouldn't be as bad as he knew it could be.


	31. Chapter 31: The Valley

**Chapter 31: **The Valley

As the gentle rain of the day poured around him, Jacob stared forward, at the school his mind racing with thoughts of what he knew must come. No longer was it paranoia that fueled his fears, but the truth that every secret he hid, had escaped for all the world to know. Surely, this fear wasn't just the fear of an illogical mind, coming up with worst case scenarios to play through his thoughts. No, this was the worst case scenario brought to life.

And he had only himself to blame.

While Jacob took his steps slowly, Ben ran on ahead, and for a few seconds Jacob dwelled on the fact that he was able to help his friend. Even if it wasn't much, a shelter for a night through the storm of his life, he took pride in knowing that he did some good. He hoped that Ben would be able to find his way, figure things out, with all the secrets he kept buried inside. Though Jacob wondered how long secrets could remain hidden. He wondered how much of a burden Ben truly carried. From a distance, everything seemed normal about Ben, but with just a glimpse into his fears and pain, he knew how fake a mask that truly was.

He sighed, making his way slowly through those double doors. He looked up at the sea of faces, finding a few turning to him, though most didn't acknowledge his presence. Even so, he couldn't ignore the fact that they all knew. And even those who didn't surely would by the end of the day. Gossip traveled fast, and it wasn't like he had been discrete when he kissed Sampson and someone just happened to see.

As he slowly made his way to his first class, hoping to avoid contact with anyone, he was stopped by a hand placed on his shoulder. From the strength and gentleness in the touch, he didn't have to turn to know Sampson was right beside him.

"You're gonna be alright."

Those words brought every fear and worry to the surface, confirming that all his fears had been manifested. He felt like he was ready to cry, and had he been anywhere else, he was sure he would have. At the same time, the presence of another, one who stood with him through this took some of the burden away.

He wasn't alone. And as he walked through the shadow of the valley of death, the presence of one stronger than him gave him strength and hope. Sampson seemed so sure during all his doubts, his questions. "Thank you," Jacob said, with his worry pouring out of him.

"I mean it," Sampson said. "People will talk, but it doesn't matter what they think. Don't let it get to you."

"I won't." They hadn't said much so far, but Jacob wondered how long that would last. And even if he said he didn't care what people thought, that would be a lie. People always said to be yourself, to stand up for what is right even if you're standing alone, but it's funny how shallow those teachings were. In the world, where friends abound and enemies wait to strike, being part of something bigger is the only way to survive. And when the time comes that those you call friends are pushed away, by a choice or the cruel hands of fate, that's when the darkest shade of pain comes. You always hope that your true friends will endure, stay with you, but the fear always exists that they could just be part of the crowd flowing along, who's path yours just happened to intersect for a time.

Jacob wondered what his friends thought, now that he'd come out. Sure, he knew Simon hated him now, but what about the other people from his church? Matt, or John, or Snoopy, or even Eli. They had been friends for so long, but were they truly more than acquaintance's? Jacob knew Matt still considered him friends, after all, he trusted Ben with him. But did Matt know how far this had gone, that he'd let the world know how he felt for Sampson?

Then Jacob wondered how hard this must be for Sampson. Sure, he knew that this wasn't Sampson's first time dating another guy, but that must have been before he went to school here. Had he wanted people to know? Had he wanted to keep it a secret? Sure, his mom knew, but that didn't mean much. It was kind of hard to be dating someone and not have your parents know sooner or later.

Jacob pondered for a moment what that could mean for his parents, when they found out. But with that being so far down the road, like at least after school today, he decided to focus on what was before him.

"I have to go. I'll see you soon," Sampson said.

"See you then," Jacob said, trying to brush aside all those thoughts that told him the pain would come. He hated more than ever his choice to kiss Sampson then.

But as he thought about it, maybe this was for the best.

The choice would surely bring pain, in one-way or another.

But rarely did change come without pain.

And many times the change that came would be worth the pain it brought.

As he went to his first class, he only hoped this would be the case.

…

Jacob could hear the snickers as he walked in, a couple whispers that he couldn't quite understand. Two girls in the back of the room got up as he sat down and walked over to him.

"So, is it true?" the one asked.

"Is what true?" he said, fearing the answer.

"That you and Samuel are planning on getting married, moving to France to become world famous k-pop rappers?"

Jacob stared at the two of them for a moment, wondering just how the rumors were twisted to come up with something resembling that. "Not at all," he finally said shaking his head.

"But didn't you declare your love for him on top of the Empire State building for all the world to hear?"

"Where in the world did you hear that?" Jacob asked.

"Well, Leah here told me, who heard it from Debbie, who heard it from Brenda, who heard it from Matthew, who heard it from Phil, who heard it from Kim, who heard it from Ashley, who heard it from Dylan, who heard it from Cole."

"And we all know," the girl who was apparently named Leah said, "That they never spread false gossip."

"Uh-huh." Jacob shook his head, wondering just what other rumors were spreading about him.

"I thought it was a romantic story though, you know the kind they write romance novels about," Leah said.

"Well if my life was a romance novel I'm pretty sure the author was dropped on his head several times as a child."

If his life was indeed a novel, Jacob would then expect the author to retaliate for such a comment.

"What do you mean?"

"Life has been a bit crazy the past couple weeks," Jacob said.

"You mean with you and Samuel?" Leah asked.

"First of all, his name is Sampson."

"I told you that wasn't his name," the other girl said.

"Shut up, Britney."

"And it just seems like things keep happening all around me," he confessed.

"Well, at least you have a cute boy beside you," Leah said through a slight giggle.

"Yeah, that does help."

The bell rang, telling them that class was about to start, which Jacob really didn't mind. It was strange talking to these near strangers about this, though things really could have been worse.

"Oh, one more question," Leah said.

"What?" Jacob was almost afraid to ask.

"Are you on top or on bottom?"

Jacob thought for a moment, turning his head slightly, but wasn't sure what they were asking. "Huh?"

"You know, when you're in bed, with him," she said making a slight hand motion.

"Oh," Jacob's eyes were opened to what they meant. He shook his head. "We haven't done anything like that."

"But haven't you been secretly dating for five years?"

"Who starts these rumors?" Jacob nearly shouted. "It's only been about a week."

"Oh okay."

With that the two girls went back to their seat, though Jacob could hear Leah say as she sat down, "Why do all the good guys have to be either gay, taken, or fictional characters?"

"And in some cases more than one of those," Britney added.

…

At lunch, Jacob found himself looking for somewhere to sit. Thinking through his friend's schedules on this day, Eli was the only one he knew was free. And with what Eli had been saying earlier in the week, Jacob didn't really want to find him. He saw Simon in the distance, and while he didn't know him well, he had considered them friends. Or at least he did until yesterday. He wondered if Simon had changed his mind any. Jacob also wondered if he should have said those things.

Was it true?

Yes, he claimed he was gay, and that he didn't care what they said about it.

Well… the first half was true at least. He couldn't deny the way he felt, so that made him gay.

But seeing how lonely he was now, alone among hundreds, he did care.

He didn't want to care. If this was the reason they rejected him, he shouldn't care!

But he did.

Alone as a world passed him by, abandoning him for what they couldn't understand. He wondered if Sampson would be here, but he knew already that he had class now. Resigning himself to eating alone, Jacob took a seat in the corner, listening in on various conversations, trying to pretend like he belonged.

Finishing his food faster than normal, he tossed his tray away and went to wonder the halls of the school, feeling like he had to be alone now. He didn't want to be reminded of friends, or hate, or love, or really anything. Part of him just wanted to sleep.

As he rounded a corner, he saw Ben leaning against the lockers, causing him to run up to him. "What's going on Ben?"

Ben shook his head. "Matt isn't here."

"Do you know where he is?"

Once more, Ben just shook his head.

This worried Jacob. He knew Matt had needed to go somewhere, but assumed he'd be back at school today. He honestly had no idea where Matt was going, and it didn't seam like Ben did either. "You try calling him?"

"No answer."

Jacob pulled out his own phone, ignoring the anonymous text messages and sending one to Matt, hoping he'd get a response soon. Matt wouldn't just abandon Ben, he knew that much. But what exactly was he doing? "I'm scared what will happen if I go back to Mom alone," Ben confessed.

"It will be all right," Jacob said kneeling beside Ben, placing a hand on his shoulder. "If you want you can come back to my house tonight."

"Really?" Ben said hopefully, looking up at Jacob.

"Sure, I mean it's Friday night so I doubt my parents would mind."

"Thank you."

Jacob wondered just what happened to terrify Ben so much. Sure, he knew his mom got drunk, and would get a bit violent, but was it really so bad, that Ben was terrified to even be in the same house as her? And what was Matt doing, that he wasn't even answering his brother's phone call?

He didn't know.

All he could do was have faith that Matt knew what he was doing, and that it was for the best. For now, he'd just do what he could to help Ben.

The bell rang, telling him it was time to head to his next class. "Are you going to be okay?" Jacob asked as Ben got up.

"I think so."

"All right, see you after school."

…

During gym class, the coach had decided today would be a good day to play basketball, something Jacob would normally be glad about, though at a time like this, he would have much rather had something that he could do alone. However, between his and his opponent's teams, he had 9 people around him, most of who seemed to be more aggressive than normal. He couldn't count the number of times he was knocked down, shoved, pushed into a wall, or flat out punched the one time. Those who weren't joining in didn't seem to pay it any mind. Not caring about the score, he tried to stay away from people, occasionally making an effort if it seemed safe to keep from raising the coaches' suspicions.

Overall, what was a miserable and painful class ended and he made his way back to the locker room, hoping to change and get out of there quickly. At least in his other classes, the teachers would notice if people were beating on him. However, as he went to open up his locker, he saw his normal clothes had been replaced with something pink. He pulled it out, seeing it was a large pink dress.

He gritted his teeth, wondering just who did it. He felt violated, as the laughter came from all around him. "Who did it?" he asked softly turning around, facing the masses in front of him.

But his only reply was the laughs. He wanted to reach out and punch someone. However, before he could do something he'd regret, Sampson was at his side. "You guys think this is funny."

Once again, no words, only laughs bombarded them. Sampson began clenching his fist, scanning the room, looking for his target. Not caring who it was, but the mockery, the hatred, it didn't matter who started it. Sampson could tell Jacob couldn't take much more. No, he'd make them pay for hurting him like that.

Sampson's eyes locked upon another senior, who if he recalled right was named Jarren, who's mocking smile seemed to say that he thought himself so far above the rest of them. Sampson had enough of him, so he ran at Jarren, slamming his arm into his neck and pushing him into several of the lockers. He put enough force into the attack to lift Jarren a few inches off the ground.

"Put me down."

"Make me," Sampson replied.

"Fine."

With a movement too fast for Jacob to completely follow, Jarren swung his leg, knocking Sampson's out from under him, freeing him. Jarren then used his other leg to kick Sampson in the stomach, sending him flying into the locker, stumbling over a bench on the way.

Sampson tried getting up, but was yanked up to his feet by Jarren grabbing onto his shirt. "You're not so tough." Jarren then slammed Sampson into the lockers, and punched him in the stomach knocking the breath out of him and causing him to gag.

Seeing how much trouble Sampson could be in, Jacob ran up to them, not much of a fighter, but hoping he could at least help. However, as he went to punch Jarren to force his boyfriend free, Jarren swung his arm at Jacob with incredible strength, sending him flying back and as he tried to stabilize himself, he stumbled and fell down.

"Are you okay?" Azaiah said, helping him back up.

"I think so, but-"

"Don't worry, Sampson will be fine," Azaiah said.

"How do you know?"

"Just watch."

Jarren seemed to fall back, and Sampson pushed him away. Filled with an unbound fury, Sampson swung his arm, hitting Jarren square in the jaw, sending the black haired boy spinning and eventually falling over.

"Break it up you two," the coach said, after hearing the commotion. He made his way through the wave of students and saw Jarren on the ground, rubbing his wound on his face. The coach ran his hand through his hair, observing what was going on. "Okay, you guys good now? I know I'm supposed to report this, but unless someone is really hurt, I'll just let this one slide. Okay?"

Sampson and Jarren both nodded as they walked their separate ways. "Dang punching that guy felt good," Sampson said.

"You think he was the one who did this?" Jacob asked, indicating to the pink dress that was now on the ground covered with shoe marks.

"I don't really give a shit. But he was laughing with them, so I say he was just as guilty."

"I guess so. But what am I going to wear now?"

"Eh, two classes to go, I guess your gym clothes would work. I know it's not exactly dress code, but teachers don't seem to care too much about that. Except Mrs. Gribbler, avoid her."

"I guess so, though Mom and Dad will wonder where my clothes went."

"Speaking of, you think I'd be able to come over tonight? We haven't really hung out much since Tuesday, and that was spent mostly putting up Jackie's Christmas decorations."

Jacob was shocked at this random change of topic. "Um, well Ben is coming over after school. And I haven't exactly told my parents about us."

"You don't have to tell them, not right now at least. Doesn't mean we can't at least hang out there, does it? And besides, if someone else is there, I doubt they'd think anything of it."

"I guess not." Seeing the time, Jacob sighed, knowing he had to get to class.

"Hey Jacob, I found these for you," Azaiah said walking up to him with what appeared to be his clothes.

"Where'd you find them?"

Azaiah shook his head. "They really aren't good at hiding things."

"Thanks a lot Azaiah," Jacob said with a smile. Even if he didn't know Azaiah, he was glad that there was someone on his side, other than Sampson of course.

"You know each other," Sampson asked.

Jacob shrugged his shoulders. "I guess so."

"Yeah, I ran into him a little while back," Azaiah said.

"Literally I might add," Jacob said.

"I got to go now, be careful out there," Azaiah said swinging a backpack over his shoulder and running out of the locker room.

"Will you be okay now?" Sampson asked, now that it was just the two of them in there."

"I will be. Thanks for… what you did."

"Not a problem. That's what I'm here for. Anyway, so you want me to take you home from school today, then we can hang out there?"

"I was going to ride the bus with Ben."

"I have plenty of room for him too," Sampson said.

"All right then," Jacob said, looking forward to what the day was going to bring instead of loathing it. Sure, he still had a couple classes to go, but then he had the freedom of the weekend ahead of him.


	32. Chapter 32: Hope

**Chapter 32:** Hope of Friendship

School had passed, and Jacob found himself outside the large building, near where the busses were, hoping he could catch sight of Ben before he got on the bus. In a way he was nervous bringing Sampson home. Sure, he'd had other friends over, but no one quite like Sampson.

Sampson was out spoken, loud, and arrogant.

Not to mention dating him.

So Jacob wondered what his parents would think.

But still, the certainty Sampson had, the strength he embodied with every step, that's the part of him that Jacob had fallen in love with, more than just the physical beauty (which wasn't anything to dismiss either).

But, he wasn't going to tell his parents about their relationship. They were just friends, he'd feel out their reactions to him, decide when/if to tell them. He'd have to compose himself, make sure he didn't get carried away again. He only hoped it would be that simple.

As Jacob stared over the horizon of students pouring out, he tried looking for Ben. He envied the tall people, how they could see over everything and could pick out people from a distance. With eyes locked on the door, he finally saw Ben come out, and held his hand up to wave to him, hoping Ben could see it. However, as he did so he saw Azaiah standing off to the side talking to a woman he would have thought was a teacher. However, looking close, he noticed he hadn't seen the teacher before. She had brown hair, and was dressed more casually than the teachers normally would.

"You ready to go?" Ben asked.

Jacob was too busy looking on at Azaiah to notice Ben approaching. However, as he turned to look at Ben, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Azaiah running off, and while he scanned for the woman he was talking to, he couldn't find her. It was as if she just disappeared. But he pushed that aside, sure that he just missed her among the hundreds of others trying to get home.

"Yeah, my friend Sampson is driving us, and then hanging out there for a while."

"Oh, okay."

Did Ben hear today about him? About the two of them going out? Did Ben know he was gay?

Jacob sighed, trying to push those concerns aside. This was supposed to be the weekend, the freedom from school and all its tormenting homework and projects and people.

The two of them walked over to the student parking lot, making their way through the traffic jam that had already built up. The good thing was that this meant they didn't have to worry about cars hitting them, but it also meant that they'd be stuck here for a while waiting for the cars to all get out of here. Jacob would have hoped that they could come up with a more efficient system.

The two of them found Sampson standing by his car and Jacob ran over to greet him, with Ben following behind. They ducked around several cars, Jacob's backpack nearly hitting one of the mirrors on a car that was parked slightly over the line.

"All right, let's go," Sampson said taking a seat in his car and hitting the unlock button. Jacob got in the front seat while Ben got in the back. "Sorry about the junk back there, just move it out of the way if you have to."

"Is that a hamburger?" Ben asked, seeing something on the ground he couldn't quite identify.

"I thought it was a chicken sandwich," Sampson said.

"How long has it been back here?" Ben asked worried, what answer he would get.

"Do you want the truth or an answer that will make you feel better about it?" Sampson asked.

"I think I'll pass," Ben said sitting down, trying to avoid anything disgusting as he did so.

"So you're Ben I take it," Sampson said as he put the car in reverse and looked for his chance to back out.

"Yeah, and Jacob said your name was Sampson."

"That's me, the one and only. You look kind of familiar, have we met before?" Sampson asked.

"I'm not sure. I meet a lot of people," Ben said with a shrug. "You might know my brother Matt, he's a senior here."

"Ah, now I remember him," Sampson said with a snap of his fingers. "He's in my history class. Though I didn't see him here today."

"Yeah, he didn't come to school today," Ben said softly as he shook his head.

"He sick or something?"

"No, that's not it," Ben said.

Jacob wondered if he could say something. He knew Ben didn't want to talk about this, part of the whole reason they were going to Jacob's house was so that Ben could forget about it.

"He doesn't seem like someone who would just randomly skip school," Sampson said.

"There have been some things going on with him and their family," Jacob said, hoping that would be vague enough to satisfy Sampson's curiosity, but also protect Ben's secret.

"Ah, okay," Sampson said. "Oh look, finally an opening," Sampson said turning to look behind him as he navigated the car out of the overly crowded parking lot.

Once they got out of the school, the road opened up more as people started going in different directions. "You remember how to get there?" Jacob asked after they had gotten out on the main road.

"Of course, I have a memory like an elephant."

"You realize we just missed the turn?" Jacob asked as they ran through an intersection.

"I'm taking a short cut," Sampson proclaimed, and then added, "That might take a few minutes longer."

…

After the three of them made it to the house, Jacob unlocked the door and let them in. He then noticed his parents were gone, which made him wonder. He hadn't noticed them in the morning, but guessed they were still in bed. With his parents' always-changing work schedules, he never knew when they'd be in bed. Deciding not to dwell on it for long, he set his backpack down. "Not as fancy as yours, but this is my home."

"It's kind of nice. You don't have to worry about your mom waking you up when you're trying to sleep in with a massive sound system."

"Your parents have that?" Ben asked.

"Well, just my mom. Dad isn't around anymore since the divorce."

"Oh, I see," Ben said with a knowing nod.

As Ben and Sampson were talking, Jacob's phone rang, and as he went to answer it, he saw it was from Matt. He discreetly walked into the kitchen to answer it.

"Hey Matt, what's going on?"

"Is Ben still with you?"

"Yeah, he is."

"At your house?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks Jacob. Sorry I didn't call earlier, I didn't want your phone to go off during class, and I've been in meetings all day."

"Meetings about what?" Jacob asked.

"I can't let this keep happening to us. Mom and Dad, it's horrible. Mom's turned into a psycho, and Dad's just crushing Ben. I'm going to put an end to it."

"How so?"

"We're gonna get out of there. Make it so they can never hurt him again. Don't tell him yet, I don't want to get his hopes up."

"Yeah."

"I'm sure he's trying to hide it from you, but you can tell how badly this is messing him up, can't you?"

"I can. I don't want to imagine what it's like to be him now."

"Trust me, it's not pretty. I'll be there about 5 or so to pick him up, and then we're going to Dad's for the weekend. At least there we'll know what to expect. Thank you again Jacob. You don't know how much this means to me."

…

While Jacob was on the phone with Matt, Sampson and Ben were in the living room where Sampson had turned on the TV and was looking for something to watch. "Commercial, commercial, boring, soap opera, religious junk, news," he said changing the channel every couple seconds.

"So your parents are divorced too?" Ben asked softly after a while of watching the channels change.

"Yeah, happened a couple years back. Yours too I guess?"

"They broke up just after school started this year." Ben shook his head. "We thought that would make things better, get them apart from each other." He sighed, twiddling his thumbs. "But now it's even worse."

"Who do you live with, Mom or Dad?"

"Both. We swap back every week. Dad's a little better, but he keeps telling me I need to get straight A's to make something out of my life. Says things like music or writing are just wastes of time."

"You play an instrument?"

"Yeah, guitar. Not that good, but I've played in church a couple times with Matt."

"I've always wanted to learn how to play guitar," Sampson said. "I keep telling myself I'm going to do it, but never do."

"It's fun. What I really like doing is writing music though. It's hard, but it's cool finding ways to combine the notes and lyrics to create something."

"Dad doesn't like that though?"

Ben shook his head with a sigh. "He said I'll never make any money doing that. I see those bands who do it all the time though, I wonder why I can't."

"Who says you can't?" Sampson said. "I mean, if it's something you like, then go do it. Tell that asshole dad of yours to shove it. It's your life, not his, so why should he care?"

"I guess," Ben said.

"It's hard to stand up to someone like that, isn't it?" Ben nodded. "I hate seeing people get pushed around into doing something they don't want to though. I've had enough people in my life try to do that, make me someone I'm not, say something will be good for me, when it's only good for their own purpose or pride."

"I don't want to make him mad through," Ben said. "He's a nice guy, just a bit strict."

"A nice guy would care about you. He's probably just trying to live his life through you, make you fix all the things he screwed up as a kid."

"Maybe you're right." Ben wanted to think that his family was normal how it was, but seeing how happy and safe Jacob was at home, and how much Sampson kept pushing him to do what he truly wanted, he just got more depressed. He remembered when his parents were together and happy, despite the fact that the last pure memory of that was from years ago, and hoped that's what normal truly meant. But he also knew that for how harsh his dad was, his mom was even worse. "I don't know what to do about Mom though."

"What's going on with her?" Sampson asked.

"She drinks. A lot. I mean, when I was a kid, she didn't drink this much. Now it's every night it seems. Sometimes Matt has to go get her from the bar." Ben stopped talking, not wanting to tell Sampson about everything else. But he felt Sampson grow closer to him on the couch, and despite the fact he was looking down, he could tell that Sampson was trying to look him in the eye.

"That's not all, is it?"

Ben hoped he could trust Sampson. Having other people know about it, that seemed to make him feel better. Despite the fact he was starting to cry thinking about it, he knew that the secrets he kept inside were making life even harder.

"Last night, was really bad. She got drunk, again, and she and Matt started arguing. She threatened to kill us."

"Kill you?"

"Well, Matt, but I saw the look she gave me when she had her knife. I really thought she might do it too." Ben couldn't help himself, he started crying, remembering all over now.

"That's fucked up," Sampson said.

"I stayed here last night with Jacob," Ben said. "But I know I'll have to go back there soon.

Jacob had been standing the doorway to the kitchen, listening after he hung up with Matt. He didn't want to interfere, but seeing how much Ben was hurting broke his heart. "You can always stay here with me," Jacob said placing a hand on Ben's shoulder.

"And hell, my room's big enough for someone else if you need it. I'm sure my mom won't mind."

Through the tears and the fear, Ben smiled, having the caring people around him took away some of the fear. He was still scared, worried, and wondered what would happen. "Thank you."

"We're here for you if you need it," Sampson said as he wrapped an arm around Ben. "All you need to do is a call and I'll be there. And I know Jacob will too."

"I won't forget it."

…


	33. Chapter 33: Broken

**Chapter 33:** Broken

About an hour passed, and the three friends enjoyed each other's company, a friendship solidified through pain and promises. For some it was an escape from a life that beat down on him from every direction. For another, it was a reason to breathe, to see the weak that needed protecting. And for the last one, it was a time of happiness and wonder, of what could be done, of a faith planted in what he couldn't be sure of.

They were broken out of this by the doorbell ringing, so Jacob got up to answer it and was surprised to see Matt there. But he had to say he was relieved.

"Sorry about not telling you sooner what was going on," Matt said.

"It's fine, I'm sure you had your reasons."

Matt nodded as he entered the house. "I've really hoped that things would get better, that she had hit rock bottom and would see what she was doing," Matt said as he leaned against the wall, feeling like he had the weight of the world shoved on his shoulders.

"You said you had a plan though?"

"I think so at least. It's going to take some work, but after I get it all figured out, you'll be the second to know."

Jacob hoped whatever plan this was that it would be enough to help. Matt then walked further into the house and saw Sampson sitting on the couch beside Ben. "Ah, Sampson. Didn't expect to see you here."

"Sup?"

"Are you," Matt started to ask, but then cut himself off, "Never mind. You ready to go to Dad's?" he asked his brother.

"I guess so," Ben said getting up as he stretched his arms. "Thanks Jacob, this was kind of fun."

"Yes, thank you," Matt added as the two of them left the house.

"Man, I'm worried about that kid," Sampson said.

"What he's going through with his parents?"

Sampson nodded as he crossed his arms. "My dad's a useless piece of shit, but I'm not afraid of him, not like Ben is with his mom. With him being so scared, it's not like he can change anything either."

"Hopefully Matt can do something to help," Jacob said, almost forgetting that Sampson didn't hear their conversation.

"I guess we can hope. But he can't just rely on other people's strength, he had to find his own."

Jacob took a seat on the couch next to his boyfriend, and Sampson wrapped an arm around him." Sampson was reclining quite a bit, so he was looking up at Jacob this time. "You know what else?"

"What?"

"You're cute when you're worried," Sampson ran a hand along Jacob's cheek, and he could feel himself start to blush. With a laugh Sampson pushed himself back up, and placed a kiss on Jacob's cheek.

"We can't do anything down here, there's no telling when my parents will get home," Jacob said, placing his hand up to his cheek where he felt the warmth of the kiss still there.

"Yeah, that's fine. But if I stay here tonight, then we'll have plenty of time for fun later." Jacob wasn't quite sure what Sampson meant by fun. Sure, they had made out before, back at Sampson's house a few days ago, but what if they did more? He thought about the question the girls asked him, if he was on top or bottom. He wasn't ready for sex, not yet. Though he'd had dreams, with him, and another guy; Sampson was in more than one of those. They were different places, with different things going on, and many of which he'd tried to forget, but he knew a part of his body craved sex. He wondered what it would be like, though figured it would be with a girl, even if the dark sides of his imagination pictured them with a guy.

Before he could figure out the best way to answer that, he heard the garage door open, followed by his parents walking into the house. At this, he nudged Sampson and the two of them separated to a normal distance apart. He breathed a sigh of relief, glad that they didn't know; he wasn't ready for that conversation just yet.

"You here Jacob?" his mom asked from the kitchen.

"Yeah, in here," he responded.

The two of them entered the room, and noticed someone new in the house. "And who is this?" Ruth asked.

"My friend Sampson," Jacob said, "this is the guy I've been hanging out with the past week or so."

"You just meet him recently?" Jim asked.

"Nah, we've known each other for a while. Just learned recently how much we have in common, so figured it would be fun to hang out together."

"Are you staying the night?" Jim asked.

"If you'll have me," Sampson said.

"Of course, any friend of Jacob's is welcome here," Ruth said, "I'll make sure to cook extra dinner for you."

"Thank you very much ma'am."

It was then that Jacob noticed his hand was resting onto one of Sampson's so he instantly pulled it away, though did so in a way that he hoped his parents wouldn't notice. "You want to head up stairs so I can show you my room," Jacob said.

"Sure, sounds fun."

"Dinner will be ready in about an hour," Ruth said as she started to get out various groceries to make dinner with.

"What are we having?" Sampson asked.

"Hamburgers all right with you?" she asked.

"Sure, I'll eat about anything."

…

After hanging out for a while and having dinner, Jacob and Sampson went up to Jacob's room. "Not quite as big as yours," Jacob said as he took a seat on the bed.

"Size doesn't really matter. I mean, having a big room can be nice and all, but it's just more room to put my junk." Sampson lay down on the bed, his legs hanging off of it. "Man, I could really sleep good here."

"Tired?"

"Not really. Some maybe. I don't know."

Jacob gave a small laugh at his boyfriend. He wondered how long until his parents would find out about what was going on. They seemed to like Sampson fine, he was nice to them, and even complimented his mom's cooking.

But being happy with a friend was different than being happy with a boyfriend.

"Sorry the floor is still covered with stuff. I didn't have a chance to clean it up after Ben left."

"It's cleaner than my room at least," Sampson said.

"Yeah, that's true."

"Hey, it wasn't that big of a mess," Sampson said sitting up and slapping his hand on Jacob's back.

"Better than your car was, at least."

"True, Mom does get kind of pissed if I leave food sitting in my room. Says it attracts rats or something. I've always wanted to have a pet rat, haven't you?"

"Nah, rats aren't really my thing."

"What about dogs, or cats, or snakes?"

"Dogs are kind of cool I guess. Cats don't seem to like me, and I don't like snakes."

"Fair enough. I've wanted a dog for a while, but anytime I ask Mom she puts it off. Now I guess I wouldn't be around much in a year or two to enjoy it."

"Maybe when I'm older I'll get one. Just never had one here," Jacob said, thinking about seeing dogs at some of his friend's houses. Some ignored him, some wanted to play with him, and some others thought he was a burglar that would make a good chew toy.

"You should," Sampson said, getting up from the bed and stretching. He made his way to the shelf where Jacob's TV was, and spotted something on one of the stands. "This a Play Station 2?"

"Yeah, got it like, 10 years ago or something. Don't play it much anymore though," Jacob said.

"You have any cool games for it?"

Jacob went over to it, opening up his game drawer looking at the games he hadn't played in years. "A couple sports games 'Call of Duty'…"

"Is that 'Spyro'?"

"Yeah, that was one of my favorite games as a kid," Jacob said.

"Mine too. Though after 'Year of the Dragon', the whole series went downhill," Sampson said.

"You tried the DS games?" Jacob asked.

"Just the one, never beat it though."

"At least we still have the old games," Jacob said. "Want to play it?"

"Sure, it seems like a good time to kick some Sorceress butt."

"Agent 9?"

"You know it. That monkey was fun."

After about an hour of playing, and Sampson complaining the game cheated by having his UFO randomly self-destruct, Sampson had given up on trying to beat that battle. "I swear this game used to be easier."

"Maybe you're just out of practice," Jacob suggested.

"That could be. Or the game cheats. I like that one better."

Jacob chuckled as he shook his head. "Sure, why not go with that."

"See, it makes perfect sense."

"In some strange world of fantasy it does at least," Jacob said, finding Sampson's logic strangely convincing. But maybe that was just because he was with his boyfriend, able to laugh with him, and they could just enjoy each other's company. Petty details didn't have to matter, it was the fun that did. "Want to see if I can beat it?"

"Sure, but don't count on it."

About five minutes later, the evil had been banished and the world was free. Sampson was also staring at the screen in shock, Jacob, and the proud smile across his face.

"I think that game just likes you better," Sampson said.

"Or I'm better at it than you," Jacob suggested.

"Nah, I don't like that idea." With a slight chuckle, Jacob got up to restart the game, not wanting to have to sit through all the credits again. He wondered why they always put them there like that; it wasn't like anyone cared about the name of each and every person who did anything with the game. "You have any games in there that don't cheat?"

"Um, you saw what else was in there."

"Yes, but in my rage at this one, I forgot."

Jacob shook his head again. Sampson did have a way of making him laugh, forgetting all the hurt and worry from earlier in the day. Perhaps that's why he liked being around him so much, he was so strong, so carefree, and made his troubles fade away. But as he saw today in the locker room, Sampson was also willing to protect him when the time came. He honestly wondered just what Sampson saw in him, not that he was objecting of course.

He went through his games, seeing what else Sampson might like. He tried to find something more than one person could play at a time, though his second controller didn't always work right. Then again, giving that to Sampson could be fun to see his reaction. "'Call of Duty' good?"

"Sure, pop it in. Blowing up some Nazi's is always a good stress relief."

"Sounds like a plan then."

Hours seemed to fly by as they switched between the campaigns, and competing against each other. Jacob was right, Sampson got quite loud when his controller randomly quit working, seeming to miss about every other button, and seemed to have the worst timing for it to happen too.

"I've come to a conclusion."

"What?"

"This game is possessed by evil spirits that hate me."

"I don't think that's quite what it is. I've had that controller for a while, so it's probably not working quite right."

"So you give me the bad one," Sampson said tossing the controller back along the bed.

"Maybe," Jacob said with a grin.

"That sounds like something I'd do. I've taught you well."

"Thanks."

"Man, I can't believe it's been only a week," Jacob said after a few seconds of silence.

"Things really seem to move fast, don't they," Sampson said.

"Was it like this, with that other guy, Robert?"

"Don't remember exactly," Sampson said scratching the back of his head. "Our relationship did move pretty fast, that was for sure. Not sure how much into love he really was though."

"Ah, I see."

"That's the main reason we broke up. All he wanted was the sexual part of it, didn't seem to care much about the rest. I mean, the sexual part of it was good and all, but that wasn't what I was after."

"Oh, so you two…" Jacob didn't quite know how to put it, though Sampson picked up on it.

"Yeah, a few times."

"I see." Jacob looked down, away from Sampson, feeling hurt in a way that surprised him. They weren't together then, so why did it matter? Still, sex was something special, something to be saved. Then again, if the rules about homosexuality that had seemed so clear in the Old Testament weren't so simple now, then maybe some of the others shouldn't be taken literally either.

"Don't let it bother you," Sampson said placing a hand on Jacob's shoulder. "We're not going to do anything you don't want to do."

"All right."

Sampson looked up; saw by the clock that it was already past midnight and realized how much time they had been up here. "Wow, it's this late all ready?"

"I guess it is," Jacob said. "Now that you mention it, I am a bit tired."

"You normally up this late on the weekends?" Sampson asked.

"Depends on what I have going on. I try to go to bed before 1, so it doesn't mess up my sleep schedule too badly."

"I know how you feel. Sometimes I'll do something and stay up to 4AM, and then I can't sleep when I have to go to bed early for school. But sometimes the weekend sounds like a good time to stay up and have fun."

"You okay with us going to bed soon?"

"Yeah, that's probably a smart idea," Sampson said.

"All right," Jacob got up from the bed. "There are some blankets on the floor that Ben used last night, which you're welcome too. I'll get a few more out so you have something to lie on too. Ben ended up falling asleep while were talking so I didn't want to wake him up and just threw a blanket on him."

"Man, that kid's been through a lot, hasn't he?"

"Yeah, I feel so sorry for him. I just wish there was more I could do," Jacob said while he put the blankets and such on the floor. "I need to go to the bathroom, I'll be back soon."

"All right. If I'm not here, that means I was probably abducted by aliens."

"Sounds good, I'll make sure to give NASA a call then."

As Jacob walked from his room to the bathroom, he took a peak downstairs, seeing that it was dark down there. That must have meant his parents had already gone to bed, which made him breathe a sigh of relief. He truly wondered if they'd find out about him and Sampson tonight, if Jacob would be the one to tell them, or if they'd see something that would give him away. Pushing these thoughts and fears to the side, he continued on his way.


	34. Chapter 34: Behind Closed Doors

**Warning: This chapter contains M rated material. I knew for a while that this story would go in this direction, but wasn't sure exactly how far it would go. If for whatever reason you don't want to read this type of material, you may go on to the next chapter without missing anything important of the plot.**

* * *

**Chapter 34**: Behind Closed Doors

As he opened up the door to his room, Sampson had arranged the blankets beside Jacob's bed, and was trying to keep them from getting bundled up. However, that wasn't the thing he noticed most. His eyes fixated upon the fact that Sampson was wearing only white boxers.

"Um, uh hi."

"Ah, hey. Welcome back.

"You're um, not, uh, thanks," Jacob said as he stepped into the room, trying to close the door behind him without it catching on the blankets.

"I guess you normally don't sleep in just your underwear then."

Jacob nodded as he went to pull his pajamas out of his dresser. At the same time he both wanted to look at Sampson and stare, having the freedom to see more of his boyfriend than he had before, but at the same time not feeling right lusting after Sampson like that. He knew that the first reason he fell in love with Sampson was his looks, so being attracted to him like this really didn't surprise him any.

"Like what you see, though?" Sampson asked, causing him to turn around to see the nearly naked Sampson flexing. He couldn't help but nod as he felt his cheeks start blushing. He turned away though, taking his own shirt off and grabbed the t-shirt he wore to sleep in. However, before he could put it on, he felt Sampson's skin touching him. Jacob turned and saw Sampson's arm was wrapped around him, pulling him close. Jacob instantly felt about twenty degrees hotter.

"You look pretty good like that too."

Jacob didn't know quite what to say, though he felt his hands shaking so much that he dropped his shirt to the ground. Seeing Sampson's face so close to his own, he moved in and planted a kiss on Sampson's mouth, getting far more enticed by his boyfriend than his conscience told him that he should. The close touch excited him, made his whole body feel like it was pulsing with electricity. Sampson pulled Jacob closer and the two of them fell on the bed, their arms intertwining, their lips locking and their chests touching.

Sampson was lying on top of Jacob, pelting him with kisses. Jacob jerked with each touch of their lips, but while they were doing that, Sampson's hands were traveling Jacob's chest and stomach, seeming to find all the spots that made him squirm.

"You like that?" Sampson asked; once he gave his mouth enough of a rest to talk.

Jacob could only respond with a few heavy breaths and a nod.

Sampson pushed himself up, so he was a few inches above Jacob. However, this time Jacob was the one to pull Sampson back down, feeling too constrained by his jeans, so as he used one hand to slowly unbutton them while he continued to make out with Sampson. Seeing Jacob's struggle, Sampson moved his hand down to help.

Jacob felt his breaths slow as Sampson moved his hand around the button and pulled down the zipper. Time nearly seemed to stop as he and Sampson removed the jeans, letting them fall to the floor.

Jacob stared at Sampson, breathless, wondering for just a second what he was doing, where he thought this would lead. He could tell he was getting aroused by this, looking down and saw the erection in his underwear, something that had to be obvious to Sampson as well. And looking down at Sampson, Jacob saw he was the same.

"What?" Sampson asked.

Jacob placed his hand on Sampson's stomach, not really telling it where to go, but couldn't help but see it inch down. However, he shook his hand, taking it back, lost in a mist of lust and love, with a nagging voice in his mind asking him if what he was doing was truly right. Other voices said that it didn't matter, that he should go with what felt right, and right now, he had to admit this felt good.

But he also knew that good and right weren't always the same thing.

"It's just." Jacob closed his eyes. "I don't know."

"It's okay, I don't mind," Sampson said and Jacob opened his eyes. He wasn't sure of quite what to expect. However, Sampson placed his hand against Jacob's chest. "You're so beautiful like this," Sampson said which gave Jacob chills. He felt so exposed to Sampson, but at the same time so free. Sampson slowly moved his hand lower, and while Jacob knew what Sampson was planning, his eyes watched, his body paralyzed, not knowing what to do.

Sampson placed had a finger against the fabric of the underwear, and Jacob grabbed Sampson's wrist. However, his grip was weak, not fully wanting to stop whatever it was Sampson was planning on doing.

"May I?" Sampson asked, seeming to sense Jacob's hesitation.

Jacob didn't know. He could see the passion in Sampson's eyes, the desire.

He wondered if this was right.

Was he ready?

In that moment, he wasn't sure.

"All right," Sampson said as he moved his hand away and began rolling in the other direction.

"No, wait," Jacob said, placing his hand against Sampson's back, causing Sampson to roll back around.

"Don't force yourself to do something you're not ready for," Sampson said with a gentle, but still oh so hot smile.

Jacob nodded, still not sure of what he wanted. After all that, and all the pleasure with it, he wondered if that was all there was too it. With each touch, every kiss, every look, he wanted more.

But at the same time, he didn't know if he was ready to go that far after only a week. "I don't think any less of you," Sampson said getting up. "But if you have any doubts about not wanting this, it would be wrong to keep going." Jacob still didn't know if this was what he wanted so he just laid there, taking it all in, letting his eyes race all along Sampson. Sampson then bent down and placed a kiss on Jacob's cheek before walking away. "I need to pee, I'll be back in a bit."

"Oh, okay."

With Sampson leaving the room, Jacob just laid there on his bed, wondering if what he did was right. Stopping there, doing it, anything there. What could have happened? What would have happened? What was Sampson willing to do? What was he willing to do?

Noticing the clock, seeing it was so late, Jacob went back to putting on his pajamas, though he still felt too hot to wear them. But being in the same room as Sampson for the night, he could just think of the temptation if he didn't have them on.

He decided to turn the heat back so it would be a little bit cooler, maybe that would help. As he left the room, and walked down the hall toward the bathroom to the thermostat, he heard what seemed like Sampson moaning coming from the bathroom, and it didn't take Jacob long to figure out what was going on.

Shaking that thought from his mind, he went back to his room and turned the lights off as he got into bed.

A minute or so later, he heard Sampson come back into the room. "Night Sampson."

"Sleep good Jacob."

With that, he heard Sampson get into his makeshift bed, but not another word. However, he wrestled with his thoughts for quite a while before finally being able to rest his mind and force it to sleep.

…

Jacob couldn't tell exactly which dream brought him to releasing during his sleep. There were so many of them, so many places his thoughts were taking him. He and Sampson, together in ways he never could have imagined during his waking hours. Rarely were their any clothes at all, often he and Sampson touched each other in the most intimate ways. The few times he woke up during that he was covered with sweat, but went back to sleep, back into the worlds of fantasy. There was the car ride to nowhere, the club where friends he never knew were around, but didn't care about them as he and Sampson were truly together. There was the one in the department store, but he didn't remember the exact details of that one.

When he finally woke up for more than 5 seconds, he breathed in and out slowly, taking it all in, what he saw, what he heard. He moved under the blankets, moving his hands into his pants, feeling the sticky substance on his underwear and new just what had happened.

Still, he couldn't be surprised by that, going to bed with all those thoughts racing through his mind, it was no wonder his imagination would continue where his body left off. He also noticed his shirt had been discarded and was now half way laying off the side of the bed near where Sampson was. He looked over the edge, seeing Sampson laying there, the blanket down around his stomach, so Jacob got a good sight of him, which even in the darkness of the room, was a hundred times more beautiful than the visions of his dreams.

He hoped what his body did during his dreams was out of him now, so he got up out of bed, being careful to not step on Sampson whose arms were spread out. He walked over to get some clean clothes. The musty smell soon hit his nose, and he wondered if Sampson noticed it too. He was sure his cheeks started blushing at the thought, though in the dark he couldn't be sure. After he had gathered his clothes, he decided to take a shower, hoping to wash this away.

Leaving the room as quietly as possible, he went out into the hallway. However, as he did so, he heard his parents downstairs, their voices barely rising over the silence of the early morn. He didn't check the clock when he was in the room, but the sun wasn't close to rising yet. He wondered what they were doing today, they hadn't talked much the past couple days, the most interaction they had was at dinner, but that was mainly them learning about Sampson. He thought about going down to see them, wondering what they were talking about, if it involved him, or Sampson, or maybe something with Ben. But he didn't want to be seen, not in this condition. That could lead to questions, suspicions, and all those other things he didn't want. He ran to the bathroom, making his steps as silent as possible. Sure, they might question the running water from the shower if they hard it, but he hoped he could shower quickly and get back to his room, hopefully before they noticed he was up.

As he got into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, he looked at the clock, seeing it was only 5:30 in the morning. With this revelation, the tiredness overcame him again. It wasn't like his mind was able to get much rest with all those dreams. He stripped off his clothes, feeling the chill of the room hit him. Turning on the water and stepping into the shower without bothering to wait for it to warm, he tried washing away all those thoughts, or at least the physical evidence of it, though he knew the memories of being with Sampson and the places his subconscious took him would never leave.


	35. Chapter 35: I Love You Jacob

**Chapter 35: I Love You, Jacob**

As Jacob ate breakfast that next morning; he watched Sampson across the table from him, the two of them enjoying something as simple as cereal and milk as they kept each other company; Jacob's mind kept thinking of the night before. How last night had started with them going to his bedroom to hang out, and then turning into the most passionate make out session he'd ever experienced.

He couldn't believe what all had happened. Being with Sampson now seemed so normal; his parents in the other room had no idea of the truth, of his secrets. He thought that he'd be okay hiding it, they didn't need to know, and he could separate these parts of his life.

Maybe eventually they'd know.

Part of him knew it was right to tell them.

They might not like it.

But it was who Jacob truly was.

It would be wrong to hide it.

Even more so than the sin he was in.

Or at least the sin they might say he was living in.

Because this wasn't wrong...

...or so he told himself.

"What's wrong?"

Jacob looked up. "What do you mean?"

Sampson lowered his gaze. "Something is bothering you. What is it?"

"Last night," Jacob started to say.

"Did you know you talk in your sleep?" Jacob's eyes shot open, wondering just what he could be saying during those dreams. "Um... I"

"Had some fun dreams I take it."

"You could say that." Jacob started to blush again. It was bad enough that he had those dreams but he hoped he could keep those within his own mind. He held his head in his hands and shook it back and forth.

"One other thing," Sampson said.

"What?"

"I lied. You didn't say anything. Well, mumbled but no words."

"Huh?"

"I had some suspicions, I mean, we went to bed right after that, so it's no wonder your dreams would continue where we left off."

"Yeah..."

"I'm sorry," Sampson said.

"For?"

"Starting... that."

"It's okay, it was, fun," Jacob said giving a small smile.

"I know you didn't want to go too far though."

"But we stopped."

"I didn't want to make you have to stop me from going too far."

Jacob wondered what would have happened if he didn't stop it here. With all that, he felt, had done, could he have stopped? He knew this was far too soon, but with every day he felt himself plunged further into the strange scary and exciting world.

He sighed, looking down, fishing out the last few pieces of cereal out of his milk. It didn't take long for Sampson to notice Jacob's uneasiness so he moved onto something less stressful to talk about.

...

A short while later Sampson left and in an instant Jacob missed him, but also felt grateful for him to be gone. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy being with Sampson but everything was so much easier with him gone. Less temptation, less conflicts, less times his head had to try to figure out what exactly was right and what he should do.

"You two have a good time?" Ruth asked as he went downstairs later on in the afternoon.

"Yeah, we did," Jacob said, which was true, even if she had no idea the extent of the fun they had.

"He seems like a nice enough young man."

"He is," Jacob said with a small nod. He wondered if he could say more. But he didn't want to, didn't want to hear the words they'd say. The chaos and confusion, the times he was lost and wondered what was true.

"Hold onto friendships like that. A lot of people will be in your life for a little while, but then through time or choices you make, people drift apart."

"Huh?" Jacob said. Why was his mom talking like this? It wasn't like Jacob and Sampson were that close to his friends, at least not as far as his parents knew. Did his mom somehow know? But how would she find out? Did they make too much noise last night? But his parents were in bed at the other side of the house.

Jacob looked over at his dad who was at the other end of the living room, and wasn't paying attention to whatever this conversation was about.

His mom began walking into the kitchen, and Jacob followed her. "Friends, especially at that age can be so fickle. You put your trust in someone only for them to stab you in the back when something happens they don't like."

"I guess so," Jacob said with a sigh. "It can be hard figuring out who true friends are." Jacob thought about all the hate texts he'd gotten after his secret got out. He wondered just how many of those were from people he would have called his friend.

"People are just as scared as you are," Ruth said. "They spend all their lives perfecting their image, the person they want the world to see, and when they see someone else who's image fell apart they become even more scared that the same will happen to them."

"So what do you do... if you're the one whose image falls apart."

Jacob's mom gave a smile for a brief second before responding. "Celebrate."

"What?"

"There is no greater feeling than to be free from that image of perfection you build for yourself."

"But what if people don't like what they see."

She placed a soft hand on her son's shoulder. "That's when you have to decide. Don't let people choose what is right for you. Their opinions aren't the ones who matter. If it's someone you truly trust, then hear them out. But in the end, what you do is between you and God."

Jacob breathed a sigh of gladness. "If you ever want to talk, about anything, your father and I are always there."

"Yeah, I know." Jacob had heard that probably a hundred times. But he wondered just how to approach something like this.

"Don't keep all those secrets buried inside, not when you have those who love you wanting to help."

"Yeah."

"Besides, your never as good at hiding secrets as you think." In Jacob's mind his eyes widened to the size of saucers, though in reality, his pupils only dilated a half a millimeter more than normal.  
"What do you mean?" Jacob asked, hoping he could say it without a stutter.

"You and Sampson, I know about you two."

"You know!? How?" Jacob yelled in a whisper.

"A mother has her ways." She placed her hand on his arm again. "And a mother worries, and can be just a bit nosey. Sometimes she might not understand everything, sometimes she might not approve of what her son does. But she has to let him discover his own path, make his own choices, and trust that he has the judgment to do what is truly right. And a mother loves her son no matter what." Ruth wrapped her arms around her son, holding him tight for a couple brief seconds. "I love you Jacob."

"I love you too, Mom."

The two separated. "Does Dad know?"

His mom shook her head. "Its not my place to tell him your secrets. When the time comes, I think he deserves to know, but I know this is probably too soon."

With that, Jacob walked away, heading back upstairs, wondering just how his mom found out, how much she knew, but more than that; he was reminded of her love.


	36. Chapter 36: Slammed Doors

**A/N: **Sorry for taking so long to update. Shortly after my last update, a reviewer from Critics United pointed out that since this appeared to be original fiction, it was against the rules of the site. However, this book is in fact a prequel to the story Hero's Vision, now available on Amazon (link provided upon request). I wanted to make sure I had proof that this wasn't just a stand alone story for people wondering. Hero's Vision shall be available for free for a couple days after I finish posting this story.

Now, let's get back to the story...

**Chapter 36: Slamming Doors**

As Jacob walked into church on that Sunday for his youth group, he wrestled with all the thoughts that were running through his mind. His mom knew his secret, but the world hadn't ended yet, though he knew that could change in an instant. Sampson and he were together and the world knew, and he wasn't dead yet, even if he thought he'd almost rather die than take everything they were throwing at him. He'd made it this far, sure, he may have been scared, panicked, and perhaps going a bit crazy, but he was still alive and well.

He walked through the atrium, his eyes catching a young girl playing with a couple dolls in the windowsill, while her brother looked bored as he stared out into the huge room, and her mom kept checking her watch. While Jacob walked to the youth room, he smiled at them, finding their innocence refreshing, the hope in those not corrupted by the sin of the world, filling his heart for that moment.

As he entered the youth room, he noticed he was the first one there. His phone began vibrating, and he pulled it out, seeing a text from Sampson. Fortunately, his phone had stopped buzzing with all those insults earlier in the weekend, people had moved on, forgotten, and had something new to gossip about. That was one of the good things about being in such a big school; no one was the center of attention for long, for good or ill.

He read the text, seeing that Sampson was going to come to the youth group tonight. He knew Sampson didn't think much of religion or church, so it excited Jacob to have him come here tonight. Maybe Sampson would see something; see how God truly worked even when he seemed so absent. Though at a time like this, Jacob wondered. Being wrapped up in the relationship with Sampson, he thought about how little he'd been praying, or reading the Bible.

All too often, he knew he had a habit of pushing God to the side to focus on the mundane day-to-day activities. Though that didn't mean he didn't believe or care about God. And no one could focus on God all the time. But still, he wondered how much he believed. If anyone asked, he'd say his faith in God was certain, but was that really true? Was the faith he claimed just a habit, something he carried with him? Did he truly trust God now? His relationship with Sampson had run against everything the church had taught on the subject. Sure, there were a few small churches, or denominations that had accepted gay relationships as something normal, and even celebrated.

But were they right?

If Jacob knew what the Bible truly said, what conclusion would he come to?

Would he read it with eyes to confirm what his heart told him?

Or would he let it dictate the desires of his heart?

Sure, he knew the verses. They had been quoted to him more times than he could count.

But with a text so old, a simple reading of a few words didn't do the Scriptures justice.

Who were they written to? When? Why?

Those were the questions that truly mattered. Scripture had been used to justify more than one inhuman lie throughout the ages. When sin covers the lenses of our eyes as we read the Bible, it's so simple to distort it into something it was never meant to be.

Jacob focused on getting the instruments set up for the night, letting that occupy his thoughts instead of all those uncomfortable questions. He saw John come in a short time later, surprised to see him here so early.

"Hey John," Jacob said with a quick wave.

"How's it going?" John said casually as he got to work. Even though they had been in the band together for over a year, Jacob never felt that close to John. Sure, they got along fine, were friends even, but whenever they were alone, it seemed like awkward silence is all that filled the air around them.

Some time passed, and the other band members arrived and got to work. It normally didn't take much time to get everything ready when everyone was there, though Jacob had to do it all himself a couple times, and remembered how tired he was even before the service started.

"How are things going Matt?" Jacob asked somewhat quietly as he walked up to Matt who was bringing out his drums.

"Mom's ticked, but we're with Dad until Wednesday, so things could be worse," Matt answered quietly.

"Does he know?"

"About us leaving? Yeah. He didn't know all the details, but Dad chalked it up to us not being disciplined enough, so it was Mom's fault for not keeping a better eye on what we're doing."

"Still seems messed up," Jacob said.

"It is. With any luck it won't last much longer."

"What do you mean?" Jacob knew Matt was up to something, even while he didn't know exactly what it was. Thinking about how scared Ben was, how scared he had to be from that time with their Mom.

"Would Ben be able to stay at your house again, if things get bad?" Matt asked in a hushed whisper.

"Um, sure, I guess so."

"Good. Mom's going to be pissed if this plan works."

With that Matt started walking away, talking to the other members of the band and some of the early arrivals, as if he'd never been here with Jacob. Jacob didn't really worry about it though; Matt had his secrets to keep, as did everyone. He wanted to know more about this plan, whatever it was, and see if there was anything he could do to help, but he knew that would have to wait for another time.

Jacob spotted Simon, that guy he talked to in school after he kissed Sampson. He then remembered seeing him a few times at church before, though if it weren't for that afternoon, Jacob was sure he wouldn't even have known his name. He wondered if he should go talk to him, but really didn't feel like it.

He walked away from the stage; everything set up and went to hang out with some friends before the service started. However, before he could find any of them, he heard the youth pastor, Jeremiah, call his name.

"What's up?" Jacob asked.

"There's something I want to talk with you about in my office if you have a moment," Jeremiah said, acting more professional than normal. Jeremiah wasn't an old man, under 30, and he tried to be as casual as he could around his students, building relationships where he could relate with them as best he could. So this formality worried Jacob. But he shrugged his shoulders, telling himself that he was being paranoid over nothing.

Even if a part of his mind said he had everything to be paranoid about.

"Have a seat Jacob," Jeremiah said as he walked into his office, which had a small desk, computer, a few chairs, and a number of papers and books littering the floor. Jeremiah then closed the door as Jacob sat down, before taking a seat behind his desk.

"What's going on?" Jacob asked.

"That's what I wanted to ask you," Jeremiah said taking a deep breath.

"What do you mean?"

"I want to ask you a couple questions," Jeremiah said clasping his hands together, twiddling his fingers and hesitating to look Jacob in the eye.

"Okay…"

"I have heard some rumors, but want to get this from you directly."

Jacob nodded. He knew all too well what this meant. Of course the church knew. Simon knew, he was part of the church, along with countless others who went to school with him who were in the youth group. Jacob closed his eyes, trying to remain calm, not thinking about what he'd say or his defense, but doing what he could to avoid turning into a puddle of soup on the floor.

"Are you and a boy named Sampson friends?"

"Yeah, I know him," Jacob said, amazed that he could keep his voice even.

"Are you involved with him in a romantic relationship?"

"Yes, I am."

That was the truth.

And Jesus had said that the truth would set you free.

Jacob stared his pastor in the eye, knowing, fearing, that this was where that conversation had to go. But this was what he felt was right, so why should he lie?

"I was afraid of this. Jacob, you know this is a sin, don't you? God created something beautiful in sexuality, for us to find someone of the opposite sex to form a sacred relationship with."

Jacob didn't say a word, ready for the lecture of the evils that he was doing, and the sin he was in from someone who didn't understand him.

"I see."

The pastor waited, though Jacob continued to say nothing, not wanting to waste his breath on someone who'd never truly listen to him.

"Jacob, I've loved getting to know you over these past few years. I've prayed for you, and will continue to do so. You're such a talented musician, and I just know God wants to do something great with your life."

Was this compliment the truth, or just words to mask the venom of the coming words?

"I see," Jacob said, not willing to let his guard down, even from someone he respected.

"Jacob, what do you truly love?"

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Do you love God?"

"Of course," Jacob said with a nod. That's what all those songs he performed always said.

"Do you love this boy?"

"Y-yes." He loved Sampson too. It was a different kind of love, sure, but he cared about Sampson in a way he never had anyone else before. That was love.

"Who do you love more?" Jeremiah asked.

Jacob knew the right answer. It was God. Jesus said that compared to the love his followers had for him, they should hate their family.

But was that the true answer? Could Jacob say he loved God more than Sampson? Was there even a way to compare them? Was it right to compare them?"

"I...don't know," Jacob said.

"There comes a time where you have to decide what is more important, trusting yourself and your own desires, or trusting God's Word and the plan he has for you."

Couldm't they be one in the same?

Could God's plan involve him and Sampson being together?

"What do you decide?"

He couldn't leave either.

"I don't know."

"I understand, Jacob." You're lost, confused, don't know who to trust right now.

The teen nodded, those words fitting him all too well.

"But I can't have you in a position of leadership like this while you're in the midst of such a sin."

"Wait… what?"

"I'm sorry Jacob. You are a role model to these students, if you do good, you inspire them to do good. If you sin, you inspire them to sin. I want what's best for you Jacob, but I can't let someone lead these younger students away from God.

"I can't be in the band anymore?" Jacob asked.

"I'm sorry Jacob."

Jacob's teeth clenched while tears starting to build in his eyes. He was about to lose it here, but he wasn't going to just let the pastor win, kick him out while he cried on the carpet.

"Who says this is a sin?" Jacob practically yelled.

"The Word of God is clear," Pastor Jeremiah said, this time with a much more stern tone. "And we will not compromise its truth with the deceitful desires of the heart."

Not wanting to have this conversation any longer, Jacob ran out of the office, slamming the door behind him and sprinted through the youth room. He spotted Matt who he thought was reaching out to him, but he didn't bother turning to face his friend. He shot through the double doors that led outside, and thought about just walking home, not having a ride until some time later. However, as he started to run along the sidewalk, he collided into something big. Looking up to see what it was, he saw Sampson was standing there.

"What's wrong?"

Not saying a word, Jacob buried himself in Sampson's chest, wetting his boyfriend's shirt with his tears. He stood there for more than a minute, letting the world pass him by, letting Sampson hold him. He didn't have the words to ask the questions or say even a single word, only cry.


	37. Chapter 37: Cry

**Chapter 37: Cry**

As he stood in Sampson's embrace, he never felt more alone; the setting sun casting a dark shadow all around him, and his boyfriend. People were still coming in; some were staring, pointing, making remarks that Jacob thought should never come from so called Christians.

But for him, the world could just fade away.

Jacob wanted none of it.

"What's wrong?" Sampson finally asked, the moments of silence, of being there, of letting Jacob let out all his hurt, finally becoming too much. He wanted to help, fix whatever could hurt him in such a way. But he didn't know how, couldn't guess the true heart of the dagger that shattered whatever joy he once felt.

"They don't want me," Jacob said, though the sobs made him nearly inaudible.

"What do you mean?"

"The band. They said they didn't want me in it… because of us."

Sampson looked up to the church behind his boyfriend. He saw a door close as a student entered in. For a place that seemed to represent something he hated, he was amazed at how close he'd gotten to them. Sure, it wasn't religion itself he hated. There were questions he couldn't answer, and these people thought they'd found their answers through a book from a few millenniums ago. Nothing wrong with that. They had a way to live, and he had to admit, sometimes they seemed to help people. That was a good thing.

But seeing Jacob sobbing in his arms, he wondered how any of that could matter when they'd toss away someone who so passionately called this place his home.

"Let's go."

"Where?"

"Home. The movies. I don't really care, just anywhere but here."

Jacob nodded as Sampson turned around; keeping an arm wrapped around him the whole way to Sampson's car. He could still hear the music playing in the background, the song lyrics in his mind that matched every beat of the guitar. With the Christmas season so quickly approaching, those songs had started to take over their music. He heard Holy Night playing as he got into the car, the tears still swimming his eyes, though he'd at least stopped crying. Part of him hated himself for crying, but whatever pain he thought he knew growing up, was completely overwhelmed by this.

Like a black hole devouring all that surrounds it, so the church seemed to his heart. Who were they to tell him what was right? Who was he to be a sinner, while the rest of them were saints? Wasn't a church the place for the sinners to gather when they needed God most? Wasn't this his home?

But no, he was turned away, the doors shut behind him. As the car pulled out of the parking lot, Jacob didn't look back, didn't want to shed a tear for the place he'd spent so many Sundays.

Where was he to go?

Where was his spiritual home?

Where was God?

He felt Sampson's hand wrap around his own, the gentle squeezing taking some of the pain, from the all too raw wound, away. As they pulled out onto the road to nowhere, Jacob's heart felt like it was drowning in the tears of his sorrow. Like falling into an ocean, away from every shore, Jacob's eyes opened to a world of water. His breaths took in the water, each one burying his lungs in more and more water, so pure and so deadly.

But in this ocean of heartache, the hand wrapped around his was an island. One so faint, and grip so shaky, but it was one that held his head above water.

"Back to my house, okay?" Sampson asked.

"Sure," Jacob said completely disinterested. He didn't hear the words, only knew the question was directed to him. He would have been just as okay with descending into depths of Mordor, or skydiving into the Arctic Ocean on a cold winter's day.

He kept his eyes forward as they traveled the road that seemed all too familiar. He didn't know the street they traveled, not now anyway. But he didn't mind this, the lost feeling driving him everywhere they went. He'd lost interest, just going along the path that seemed to lead somewhere, anywhere away from the pain, away from the tears and blood.

Finally the house came into view, the living room light a beacon that this was a place he could rest.

Sampson exited the car; Jacob just sat there a moment, letting the light in this night mesmerize him, dancing in his vision, like the wind blowing a kite. Worried for his boyfriend, Sampson opened the door, and Jacob looked up at him. "You okay?"

With a slow shake of his head, Jacob answered, though he undid his seatbelt and exited the car just the same. Sampson knew the ridiculousness of that question, but he didn't have any others. He led Jacob into the house, up the stairs, and to his room, while batting off some sarcastic comments from his mom. Their banter lightened his mood many times, but everything had a time and place.

Once Jacob got to the room, he collapsed on Sampson's bed, the softness of the blankets comforting him, filling him with a warmth so unlike the icy cold from the heart that beat within his chest.

"It's gonna be alright," Sampson said, sitting beside Jacob, gently rubbing his back. "Man, I suck at things like this, but you gotta trust me." Sampson racked his mind for anything to say that would cheer Jacob up, but anything he thought of he just as quickly dismissed as a pointless cliché. With the foundations of everything Jacob thought he knew and believed crumbling all around him, it would take more than the glue of a few words to put it back together.

Sampson let himself cry for Jacob as well, the younger man's pain becoming his own. He placed a gentle kiss on Jacob's cheek, watching him pull away.

He took that as a sign that this shouldn't go any farther. Sampson knew that sometimes he should enjoy his boyfriend's company in a physical way, that was good, but times like this the best thing to do was to just offer support. Though Sampson knew the former was so much easier, and more fun, while he didn't have a clue of how to do the latter.

When he felt physical pain, Sampson would just press through it, move onto something else. But when pain is like a dagger, shoved into the heart deeper than any doctor can see, it doesn't so easily fade away.

So they sat there, for minutes, hours, Jacob lost track. The gentle comfort, and repetitive motion of Sampson's hand on his back, dulled some of the pain, but every thought or word that came to his mind seemed to be wrapped with grief.

Could things go back?

Could he undo it all?

Could he undo anything at all?

He felt himself fading into sleep, and before long, drift away from a world that only held despair.


	38. Chapter 38: When You Wake Up

**Chapter 38: When You Wake Up**

As the hours passed into the night, Sampson watched over his boyfriend, facing more pain than Sampson ever wanted to imagine. When the pain seemed so much, he had no idea what to do. With every breaking of Jacob's heart, Sampson felt the same.

He wanted Jacob to trust him that things would be okay, that through all the chaos and pain, one thing would remain.

Sampson vowed to be there for him.

To take his pain

To give him strength.

To face down all the hatred in the world.

He knew going into this relationship, that things wouldn't be easy. Heck, he was nearly certain Jacob didn't feel that way for him. That seeing Jacob staring at him was just a product of his imagination. But the night of the party, after a couple drinks too many, he had the courage to make his move.

Then he knew for certain.

From that moment, he and Jacob were together. Maybe not in Jacob's mind, but in Sampson's heart, that was when this started.

He never would have imagined how wrapped up in confusion Jacob's mind was. Questioning all those religious teachers that he'd learned from all his life, trying to figure out what was right when his heart wanted something that seemed so forbidden. Sampson knew about the backlash that would come when they went public with their relationship.

Hadn't been the first time he'd been through it. It was a different school, different people, but the same reaction. He thought about Robert, who seemed so certain, embraced his homosexuality fully, and took Sampson along for the ride.

Then there was Jacob, who hesitated from every move, who questioned every action.

He never would have imagined this.

Cast aside from the church.

Thrown from the place he loved, and the god, if he even existed, that he put his faith in.

Sampson never considered himself a religious man, but he said a quick prayer, in case he was wrong, to help Jacob. It wasn't like he believed it would do any good. But the strength of a human is only so much, when they reach the end of their power, they look to something greater for the strength to carry on.

He wondered when Jacob would wake up, but hours passed, and Sampson was sure Jacob didn't want to return to that world. His home, his church. He'd already called Jacob's home, telling Jim that Jacob was staying here for a while, so he gave them another call, this time answered by his mom, telling her that Jacob would be here for the night.

…

With the light of a new day shining through the blinds, Jacob's eyes opened. He wondered just what had happened to put him in this strange place. The posters on the wall didn't seem familiar to him, and the bed was harder than the one he was used to. Rolling over to get a better view of where he was, he crashed into something, which he then saw was Sampson. "You awake now Jacob?" Sampson said rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes.

"Yeah, what happened?"

"You remember the incident at the church last night?"

With that the hurricane of memories came back to him, every word branded in his memory, every tear etched into his soul. Like an earthquake shattering a mountain that seemed to touch the sky, so seemed his heart.

Jacob nodded.

"Remember coming back here?"

Jacob wracked his mind through what had happened after being thrown out of the church, but didn't exactly remember falling asleep here. He remembered Sampson, something about a car, but none of the details.

"Not exactly."

"You came back here and crashed on my bed. I gave your mom a call, told her you were spending the night here and weren't feeling well."

Jacob turned over to look at Sampson. "Do they know, about the church?"

"I didn't tell them. Hard to know though, isn't your dad some leader there?"

"So that means…" Jacob wondered how far up the order to get rid of him came from. Did it originate with Jeremiah? Did it come from the deacons? If it was the latter, then his dad would have to know about it. So was his dad the reason he was removed from the band?

"It's pretty messed up if you ask me."

Jacob nodded in agreement. "I thought they'd be… I don't know not like this."

"People can't accept what they don't understand. They think that they're better than everyone just a bit different, and when they see one of them becomes something they hate, they have to get rid of it."

Jacob didn't want to believe the Church was so much like the rest of the world. But experiencing it himself, he had no choice but to agree with what Sampson said. He buried himself back into the pillow, trying to forget, trying to pretend everything was normal and he was in his own bed understanding everything, and not questioning a thing.

He had no idea what to do.

Was he still welcome at home?

If his dad knew the truth, and had been one of the people to remove him from the church, what would it mean with his home?

Should he still go out with Sampson?

All the pain it had caused, all the doubt it threw him into, was it even worth it?

Should he trust God?

The house of God wasn't God himself. But what kind of God would allow His child to be tossed away like that? Was that a God worthy of serving?

"You want to do something fun tonight?" Sampson asked.

"Huh?" Jacob asked, pushing himself up off the pillow.

"There's this club in downtown Charleston, that opened up a few weeks ago. Heard that it's a pretty popular spot for gay people. I heard from Robert that it's a cool place."

"Sounds like fun. A good way to start the break from school." Jacob gave a soft smile before laying his head back down.

"Don't sleep too much, we have to get up for school soon. Though it's pretty stupid to have one day of class and then a long weekend."

"Tell that to the school board." Jacob closed his eyes, as he lay on his back, trying to let peace wash over him to overcome the pain of the night before. He whispered a quick prayer, "God, why?" before drifting back to sleep.


	39. Chapter 39: My Characters Don't Remember

**Chapter 39: My Characters Don't Remember What Genre This Story Is Supposed To Be**

With it being the last day before a week off of school, Jacob found most people were too caught up in what their plans were, or crying over not having plans to bother him any. Sure, he knew he was labeled as the gay kid, and surely those who went to his church had questions about what they saw last night, but he was able to dodge these people, move on with his day, and keep his eyes set forward on the vacation from his peers this break would provide him.

He made it through his classes, avoided his enemies, mentally cursed the teachers who thought that a break should be spent doing homework, but made it through in one piece.

And then, freedom.

He walked out of the school, the cool near winter's wind blowing against him. But at the same time, it refreshed him. He never forgot what had happened, the life that he lived for so long rejecting him. But at the same time, the world didn't stop turning. Life went on, and he along with it. Spotting Sampson in the parking lot, he ran over to him.

"How's it going?" Sampson asked.

"Good," Jacob answered honestly. It amazed him how much difference a small perspective change can make. A world without color can be opened up to a world of wonder with just a simple light.

As the two got in the car, Jacob noticed what seemed to be a fresh bruise on Sampson's cheek, along with one on what Jacob could see of Sampson's tricep, and the shape of it made him think his t-shirt was covering a lot of it.

"Did something happen today?"

Sampson nodded. "That guy from the other day, Jarren, he wanted payback for what I did to him. Said I had it coming and that I needed to learn my place. Damn that guy was strong. Next time though I'll kick his ass."

"It's not worth it to get into more fights," Jacob said placing his hand on Sampson's bruise. Jacob wondered if Sampson was getting any of the same abuse he was, but Sampson was stronger, didn't have to worry about his family, so he guessed he'd be able to get through it better. But judging by the bruises, and perhaps more harm that he couldn't see, Jacob knew that he didn't get out unhurt.

"I can't let him just walk all over me like this. What if he comes after you next?"

Jacob thought about that. All throughout this, Jacob had relied on Sampson to protect him, to take the lead, to be the one who guided him through it. "I'll make sure to stay by you. I doubt he'd have the guts to go after both of us."

"Thanks."

Jacob wasn't as strong as Sampson, had never gotten in a real fight before, but he thought he could at least hold his own. And he also knew that the bullies picked on the lonely and vulnerable, they wouldn't go after two people who were together. "And now for the fun of waiting for the traffic to clear," Sampson said.

Jacob sighed watching as the cars started pulling out. But like always, getting a few hundred cars onto a 2-lane street wasn't something that could happen quickly. Gazing around at the other students, Jacob caught Azaiah out of the corner of his eye, taking to the same woman as a few days ago. His curiosity caught the best of him, so he had to figure out what was going on. "I'll be back in a few," Jacob said getting out of the car.

He wound his way through the students, trying not to get close enough to Azaiah to get his attention. He felt bad for a moment eavesdropping, but figured that how suspicious acting Azaiah had been, he had a right to know exactly what was going on.

Getting close enough to hear the conversation, he sat down on a bench, pulled out his phone, acting like he was engrossed in it, though his attention was on the conversation.

"So you sure it's tonight?" Azaiah asked.

"Yes, you know what to do, don't you?"

"I guess so Angie, but it's not like you're giving me a lot of details." So… the woman's name was Angie. And by the way Azaiah was talking to her, she definitely didn't seem like a teacher. So who was she? A parent? But again, why would he be using her first name? Granted, that wasn't completely unheard of.

"Unfortunately your parents didn't have all the details either. And I can only go on what they know."

"True," Azaiah said with a sigh. "It might be hard without letting Jacob know though."

Know what? Just what was Azaiah up to? Jacob now knew it involved him, but how? And what role did Angie play?

"I'm sure you can do it. Just do your best and have faith. I'll be there if you need me."

"Yeah, I know. Though it's hard to talk about it with him listening."

Jacob immediately shot up to see Azaiah waving at him, causing Azaiah to grin. "What's going on?"

"I'm really not supposed to talk about it," Azaiah said shaking his head and crossing his arms but looking Jacob in the eye. "Just keep your eyes open, and know you're not alone."

"Azaiah, we need to be going," Angie said.

"Yeah, I know. See you later Jacob." With that, Azaiah and Angie rounded the corner and seemed to disappear, leaving Jacob even more perplexed than he had been before. Everyone had their secrets, this much Jacob learned, but Azaiah's seemed to be so much more complex than anyone else, riddled with mystery and questions. He pushed these things to the side though, hoping that his mind had just started racing on things that didn't matter. Seeing the parking lot was starting to clear and with the busses leaving, he knew he had to hurry. He ran to catch up to Sampson, getting in the passenger seat of the car, not a second before Sampson switched the car to drive, and pulled out of the space.

"What was that all about?" Sampson asked.

"Saw a friend I wanted to talk to," Jacob said.

"Things okay with him?"

"I think so."

"Let's go then.


	40. Chapter 40: Smoke and Mirrors

**Chapter 40: Smoke and Mirrors**

Though he'd accepted the fact that he was gay.

Though he'd told the world he was gay.

Though he'd come to embrace that part of himself, with all the joy and pain it brought.

It still felt like he was out of place as he walked into the club.

It lived up to its name of Smoke and Mirrors, he couldn't see through to the other side of it with all the smoke and haze that filled the room. Though he had to admit, the various colors of lights breaking through the smoke did give it an otherworldly sort of appearance.

"Age?" the guy at the front door asked him.

"16," Jacob answered, not quite sure why they'd need to know.

"Give me your hand."

Jacob held his out, and the person stamped a black X on the back of it. "Huh?" Jacob asked as he did the same with Sampson.

"It's to let them know we're not 21 so they won't sell us alcohol. Not that the bartenders pay much attention to them." Jacob nodded as he and Sampson walked further into the club. A large dance floor lay in the middle of the room, several couples dancing together, one of them grinding against each other, and most of the couples were both two guys together.

Everywhere else he and Sampson had been, they'd been in the minority. School, church, even at home, they were something different, but now, it seemed so normal. So ordinary. This truly was a magnificent place, and he didn't feel any shame as Sampson bent down and gave him a kiss. There were no stares, as he returned it, no caring about who saw or what they thought. Should anyone notice them, they'd accept it, encourage it even. Such a different world, but one where he felt like he'd been welcomed of all his life.

It seemed so strange, places like this were where they said sin flourished, a place Jacob wanted to avoid, but throughout this night, all he could think of was that he wanted to be here. That and the food smelled pretty good, that got his attention too. "Something smells tasty."

"Want to get a seat and order something?"

Jacob eagerly nodded, wandering from the dance floor. Though as he sat down, and tried to relax, he could feel a headache starting to form from the music. He was grateful it wasn't techno, for the most part, but there was only so much volume he could take for so long.

As he sat at the bar, he noticed several others come in, a few younger than him, though many of them older. He recognized one of his classmates from school, though he didn't know the guy's name. He knew the statistics would show that he and Sampson weren't the only gays in school, but so few of them had let anyone know, much less would come out in public like this. Though it would be possible this was the only place they'd let that part of them be shown. Around here, being gay was accepted, cheered, and even encouraged. Seeing two guys kissing quite passionately only a few seats away disturbed Jacob a bit, but it made him feel welcome.

"Isn't that Cole from our school?" Sampson asked seeing the same guy that he had earlier.

"I thought I recognized him. Forgot his name though," Jacob said.

Sampson gave a quick wave to Cole, who sheepishly walked up to them. "Hey Sampson, and… Jacob, right?"

"Yeah, how's it going man?" Jacob said.

"Waiting for a friend here," Cole said. Jacob noticed that Cole seemed really nervous, like how he felt a few days ago, before everyone knew his secret. Every thought of the judgment that would come, every worry about what the world would think. But with that behind him, he felt so much freer. "I really didn't think I'd run into other people I knew here."

"Don't worry about it. We're all friends here, right," Sampson said.

"Right. I'm gonna go see if he's here yet," Cole said as he started to walk away. Jacob wondered if he was really like that, so scared, so oblivious to what the world could see. Had anyone guessed what was going on before he let them know? He thought he'd been discrete about it, but somehow his mom knew. Could others have as well?

He hoped Cole could find himself less afraid, find someone who could give him the courage to be who he truly wanted to regardless of what people thought. However, his thoughts were brought away from that by the smell of a delicious burger placed right in front of him.

"Worried about him?" Sampson asked.

"A little bit."

"It takes a lot of courage to tell people. Give him time, he'll find his way."

Jacob nodded and focused instead on the basket of food in front of him. Out of habit, he closed his eyes and said a quick prayer before eating, the food tasting as good as it smelled.

After eating in what seemed like record time, Sampson led Jacob out onto the dance floor, where the pounding of the music guided their steps. Jacob never danced much, and Sampson didn't have much experience with it either, but they listened to the music and danced together, for the most part avoiding stepping on each other's feet.

While Jacob didn't know the song that was playing overhead, he didn't let that stop him for moving in tune with the beats and letting the lyrics fill his steps.

'_I danced a tango with my hubris high on youth  
We swept across the dance floor to subjective truth'_

Sampson swung them and brought them back together, their chests touching and mouths only a few inches apart. However, just as fast, they swung apart, their hands locking the only thing keeping them together. Jacob took in the sights of the room spinning, seeing he and Sampson in a mirror not too far away, though their faces were blurred through the smoke in the room.

'_But there was no harmony there  
No reason for coexistence  
Nothing to span the distance, now'_

He wondered just what he'd be doing if it weren't for Sampson and him going out. He expected everything would go on as normal, his mind would be filled with thoughts of school and church, but he really wondered if that life was worthwhile. He'd experienced more pain in his life these past weeks than he ever had before, but he didn't regret his decision. Joy wasn't the absence of pain, it was a hope that pain could not steel.

'_Do we even know who we are  
Living like all life is forfeit  
Like we can just go redefine it  
Regardless what we broke'_

He didn't know where all this would go. He didn't truly know who he was now. Before this, he had defined himself by the church, by his music, by what he did in school, but so much of that had been thrown away, like a rug pulled out from under his feet. However, perhaps he didn't have to be defined by all those things that he did. Who was he inside? Who did he want to be? Perhaps some definitions weren't so set in stone, so he could redefine them, redefine himself into who he truly wanted to be.

'_Who died and made us stars  
With our intellectual gambits  
Our millionaire flair and our antics  
We're like mirrors seen through smoke'_

Intertwined, the couple moved through the smoke of the room that continued pouring in more and more. A gentle kiss brought them together, however just as quickly they separated, spinning around others, a touch, a hug, bringing them back. Jacob could barely see the outlines of the others; shadows cast among the bright lights the only thing to tell him where the others were. Eyes blind to the world, Sampson's touch the only thing that he could trust for sure now.

'_I tried a shanty with the fool to find my pace  
Anything from puns to jests to intertwine our ways  
But there was no loyalty to hope  
And funny the need for mercy  
How it makes us bleed all mercy, now'_

The smoke continued to blind him, the voices all overwhelmed by the music, but they danced to it all the same. As he shifted his feet, he tripped over his own shoe, falling forward into Sampson, however Sampson caught him and held him there for a moment as the music started to fade.

"That was kind of fun," Jacob said.

"Yeah, I'm not as clumsy as I thought I was," Sampson said with a laugh.

"I think that was me tonight," Jacob said getting up, wiping the sweat off his brow, working up quite a sweat for just doing a little bit of dancing. He walked back to the seats they were at before, especially thirsty now. However, on the way back, he saw Cole run by him, in a bit of a hurry, though didn't have any time to figure out what was going on. He shrugged it off, it wasn't like he and Cole were that close, so he wondered just what was going on, but didn't pay it any heed.

Sampson soon joined him, however he turned as he heard a voice call out to him. "Sammy, is that you!"

"Robert?" Sampson asked.

"Your old boyfriend?" Jacob quietly asked.

"Yep, that's him," Sampson said with a slight laugh, as he saw Robert emerge from the smoke. Robert was a couple inches taller than Jacob, but had an extremely slim build. He was wearing a tight white t-shirt, and skinny jeans and had long light brown hair that covered his eyes.

"Good to see you again, it's been too long," Robert said with an overly exasperated expression. "That your new boyfriend?"

"Yeah, that's me," Jacob said a bit nervous. "Jacob," he said holding out his hand.

Robert took his hand, brought it to his mouth, and planted a gentle kiss on it. "A pleasure to meet you my friend. And I must say Sampson found quite a cute one this time. Not as sexy as me, but still quite cute."

"Thank you?" Jacob said, not quite sure what to make of that.

"You're most welcome."

"Have you been drinking Robert?" Sampson asked.

"Now what would make you think that?" Sampson stared at him for a few seconds, and Robert got the hint. "Okay, maybe a few. But it was only four or so drinks, maybe five or six. I don't think it was more than 8 though. Then again… there was that thing. But I can say for sure that I've had no more than 12! I think…"

"Should I be worried?" Jacob asked.

"That's actually pretty good for him," Sampson said.

"So Sammy, Jakey, what have you been up to you wonderful people?"

"Hanging out, I guess," Jacob said with a shrug of his shoulder.

"Ah, fun, fun." Robert turned and looked around the dance floor. "Ah, there he is!" Robert said with excitement as he ran to a guy a few feet away. The two of them began kissing, wrapping their arms around each other and pressing closer. Their lips moved as if they were glued together, and Robert ran his one hand through the guy's hair and the other started moving up the back of his shirt.

"That's Robert's date I take it?" Jacob asked.

"With Robert, I can't say for sure."

"Um…" Jacob wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. It was one thing to do that with a boyfriend, even here, but he found something wrong with it being with someone he might have never known. That seemed to defeat the point of a relationship.

The two of them broke apart, and they could see that Cole was the one Robert was kissing. "Now that is how you kiss," Robert said walking back over to Jacob and Sampson. "Hate to say it Sammy, but he's even better at it than you were."

"Hello to you two," Cole said walking up to them and placing an arm around Robert's shoulder.

"Don't worry, I'll have more for you later on," Robert said with a slight laugh. He then rubbed Cole's stomach, which seemed to tickle him and then started moving his hand further down. "But that will have to wait. Unless that space behind the counter is empty again," Robert said holding his chin pausing his thought. "You want to go check that out, Sweetie?"

Cole eagerly nodded and took off, it taking a little bit to occur to Jacob just what Robert meant by that. "How long have you known him?" Jacob asked.

"About a week, maybe a bit more. But dang that kid is good at what he does. He seems to like it as much as me, too," Robert said with a grin. "And I didn't think that was possible."

"Oh, I see," Jacob said, starting to figure out the type of person Robert was.

"I'm sure there's enough room for you two, if you want to have some fun with us."

"No thanks. We're not really into that," Sampson said.

"Ah, no worries. Forgot you were one of those more ridged types Sampson. But if you ever change your mind, I'll be here."

Cole returned and was shaking his head, 'Looks like they have it loaded with some cases of wine or something."

"Ah, no worries Sweetie. We can dance and then go back to my place or something."

With that, Robert and Cole disappeared onto the dance floor, leaving Jacob and Sampson back near their seats. "Wow, I think that alcohol is getting to him," Jacob said.

"Oh, he's not drunk yet. He may not look like it, but he's built up such an immunity to it that it takes a lot to really get to him."

"Wow."

"Yeah, if he was completely drunk, he'd probably be naked by now."

"And you dated him?"

"For about a month," Sampson said. "He was always comfortable about who he was, and I admired that, found him hot, so figured it was a good idea when he asked me out. Found out later he wasn't really into a true relationship but just wanted sex."

"Oh wow," Jacob said shaking his head.

"Live and learn I guess. We're friends and all still, but just want different things out of a relationship."

"Think Cole knows about that?"

"Probably. Robert never takes relationships too seriously, if he gets laid he's happy. He doesn't care too much about who it is, and expects the same from whoever he's dating at the time."

"It still seems like it's a waste of what a relationship could be," Jacob said.

"It is. Want to dance some more?" Sampson asked.

"Sure."

…

More tired, but happier than ever, Jacob returned to the side of the dance floor, feeling like he was ready to pass out, but in a good way. He took a seat on his chair, his legs feeling as if they had been beaten on all sides with a sledgehammer, and it seemed like a miracle they were able to bring him this far. "You're pretty good at that," Sampson said, seeming to be just as exhausted as Jacob was.

"I stepped on your foot twice, somehow fell into that guy's crotch, and accidentally pulled your pants down when I tried to catch myself."

"No harm done, and everyone liked the view you gave them of me. You were having fun, right?"

"Yeah."

"See, that's what matters. Now if you'll excuse me, I've had to piss for the last half hour."

"All right, see you soon." Jacob sat alone among the hundreds of people as he saw Sampson disappear into the smoke once again. He caught a reflection of Sampson in one of the mirrors but couldn't see much beyond his outline in it.

However, he wasn't alone for long when Robert walked up to him.

"Jakey, good to see you again!"

"What's going on Robert?"

"Oh, Cole met some hot guy named Peter, so they're off doing something. I swear I saw him first, but there will be other nights."

"Ah, I see," Jacob said, wishing he didn't fully understand what Robert meant by that.

"Where'd that boy of yours go?"

"Bathroom."

"Ah, I was going to say, I didn't think he'd just take off with someone else. Although you could always come back with me if you wanted, you are really cute after all."

"I don't think he'd like that," Jacob said, starting to feel a bit awkward around Robert.

"True, true. He's a good man. Probably a better one than I am. Though, I'm still cuter."

Jacob shook his head. He had to admit, Robert was pretty good looking, if he wasn't already going out with Sampson, he'd have trouble saying no to Robert. "Sampson has really been good to me. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it for him."

"He's your first boyfriend?" Robert asked.

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"The way you are when you're with him. Kind of like how he was when we first met." Robert then sat down beside Jacob and looked over the people, probably over a hundred of them here now. Robert then took his shirt off and tosses it to the side.

"Huh?"

"Oh, you don't mind if I'm shirtless do you? Because I think this show would be better if I was shirtless."

"This isn't a show," Jacob said.

"That's a shame, because the world is missing out on the beauty that is my gorgeous body. Don't you think so?"

"I guess," Jacob said looking away.

"Come on, you know you want to gaze at the wonder that is my body." Robert slid a finger along Jacob's cheek causing him to shiver and then turn around. Jacob looked and saw that despite Robert's body being thinner than Sampson, he found himself attracted to it, even more so by the sweat glistening off of it. "You feel guilty looking at my body so much, don't you? Well I don't mind."

Jacob didn't say anything for a few seconds.

"I'll even get naked if you want."

"That's okay," Jacob said holding up his hand.

"Fair enough. These pants can be a bitch to get off anyway. I really should find something that's a bit looser. Or just not wear pants at all. That would solve a lot of problems."

"I guess," Jacob said.

"Still thinking about Sampson," Robert said, getting a bit too close to Jacob.

"Yeah."

"Don't worry about it so much. I mean, he's a great guy, he'll understand if you aren't perfect. Just take things at your own pace, and he'll be gentle."

Jacob nodded, those words giving him comfort, even if having a half-naked Robert sitting in the same chair as him weirded him out a bit. "He won't ask you to do more than you're ready to do. He always seemed to care about my pleasure more than his too, which was a bit of a switch from what I was used to."

"Yeah, he is a great guy," Jacob said.

"Yep, one of the best I've ever had in bed. I swear, no one can perform a Hailey's Comet quite like he can. Not even Cole can do that in bed."

"Wait, you were talking about sex?" Jacob asked.

"You weren't?" Robert asked with complete shock. "Well, I guess he's okay otherwise too. Don't really remember much of that though."

"Um…"

"Don't worry so much Jacob. Enjoy life, have fun. It's the only life you get so you might as well make the most of it, right?"

"I guess so."

"Now if you'll excuse me," Robert said getting up. "I have to see a man about his pants. Or lack thereof as the case might be."

A short while later Sampson came back to Jacob who was still thinking about all that Robert had said. He wondered how Robert could be so free about sex, not seeming to care about anything else about a person. Wasn't that wrong? Wouldn't the Bible condemn that?

Then again, the Bible condemned a lot of things.

And here Jacob was, in the middle of so much of it.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, Robert was talking with me," Jacob confessed. "That guy is interesting. And he left his shirt here."

"He does that. Are his pants still on?"

"For now at least," Jacob said, seeing Robert mingling through the many people in the crowd. "You mind if we go soon. I think I've had enough of this place."

"Yeah, sure. This place does get a bit crazy later on at night," Sampson said rummaging through his pocket. He tossed Jacob his keys. "You want to go start the car so it will heat up while I pay for our food?"

"I'll pay for mine."

"Don't worry about it. Consider this a Thanksgiving present," Sampson said.

Jacob wanted to argue, but didn't bother, kind of glad to be getting out of here sooner. "Thank you."

With that, Jacob wound his way through the many people, trying his best not to get it anyone's way. As he exited the building, the dark of the night made itself known, however the many lights of the buildings made it possible to see. Looking around, he noticed the building next door had a giant penguin on its roof, underneath it read Pedro's. The penguin had a bandana around his neck, and one of those electric arms that waved back and forth making it look for all the world like it was waving at him. He couldn't help wondering exactly what they sold as he resisted the urge to wave back.

About a block down the road, he noticed a cross. He recognized the church as the one Eli went too, seeing a few cars in the parking lot, he guessed for some type of Bible study. He wondered if anyone there knew him, if Eli was there. He shrugged his shoulders and walked away, down the dark alley to the club's parking lot.

**A/N: **Song lyrics are from Poets of the Fall's song Smoke and Mirrors


	41. Chapter 41: When Hate Strikes

Song lyrics here are from Linkin Park's New Divide

**Chapter 41: When Hate Strikes**

As Jacob walked down the alleyway leading to the parking lot, he caught sight of a few guys hanging around the edge of the building, talking about something that Jacob didn't really care about. A couple of them pointed at him, but he didn't think anything of it. He felt a couple drops of water coming down from the sky. He looked up, could see the clouds blocking out the stars and saw several bolts of lightning in the not so distant horizon.

'_I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me'_

He decided he should try to get home soon, though wondered just what conversations he'd face. It had been over a day since he'd seen his parents, the most he'd said was that he was feeling better and going to hang out with Sampson for the night, but nothing more than that. If possible, he wanted to avoid talking to them, for a little longer anyway. Though no matter how long he put it off, he knew the eventual conversation wouldn't be any easier.

Jacob noticed a shovel held by one of the guys that got up as he got closer to them. But he didn't pay it any mind, just thought that if he walked by them everything would be okay. He patted the back pocket where he kept his wallet; not entirely trusting them, making sure it was still there. Several more lighting strikes hit nearby, Jacob hearing the thunder from them in a matter of seconds.

'_I remembered each flash as time began to blur'_

"Hey kid, you from that club?" one of the burly men asked, and Jacob felt his muscles tense. He looked behind him for the quickest way out. He didn't like this, the hair on his arm stood on end and the adrenaline rushed through his system while several of the others started standing up and walking toward him

"What about it?" Jacob asked, hoping not to provoke them, though had a feeling it was too late for that.

'_Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me'_

Before Jacob could run, he saw the first fist flying at his stomach. He jumped to the side, though it still hit him, causing him to spin into a brick wall.

"We don't want your kind around here."

Jacob looked for a way to run. He was out numbered at least five to one, but he thought he was fast enough to get away should he find a way out. However, they soon surrounded him, ready to attack him should he make a move.

"It's time to get what you deserve."

'_And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve'_

Jacob sighed, clenching his fist, ready to make a way out. Maybe he was outnumbered, maybe they were stronger. But he wasn't about to be another victim to hate. No, he'd overcome, teach them all. Maybe they'd never understand, but if they wanted to hurt him, he wouldn't go down without a fight.

'_So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean'_

Running at the one as fast as he could, Jacob slammed an elbow into the guy's face, the bone-shattering crack filling the air, but in a matter of seconds the four others pounced at him. A foot slammed into his side, a fist crushed his face, but using what leverage he could, he vaulted over the one and despite the pounding in his head and side; he thought he had made his escape.

'_Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes'_

However, as he started to run, a piercing shock ran up his left leg, it no longer able to keep up, so his whole body came careening to the ground, the hard cement breaking his fall. He bounced along it, the loose rocks embedding themselves into his arms while his blood dotted the ground below which the rain started to wash away. Jacob caught sight of a knife sliding along the ground, and with a glance to his torn jeans and the red running out of it, he knew exactly what they did.

He couldn't run.

He could barely fight.

But still, he leapt to his feet, found a trash can lid, raised it in defense, and ran at the five, screaming as loud as he could. Thunder shook the alley, either embodying his screams or drowning them out, but if this were to be his final moment then he'd fight with everything he had.

Putting as much force as he could, he bashed the trash can lid against one of them, sending him onto his back, before spinning and whacking a second one with the narrow end of it, denting the can but surely hurting that enemy more so. Jacob eyed the other three and the weapons they had. He spotted one with a knife, one with a shovel, and one who appeared unarmed.

'_Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between  
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide'_

He took several breaths, and a few steps back favoring his wounded leg, wondering if he'd showed them not to mess with him. However, he soon saw that things wouldn't be so easy. "Kill that little fag!" one of the ones on the ground yelled and the other three ran at him.

'_There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned'_

The one with a shovel pulled back his weapon, Jacob crouching down to defend himself, or find some way to attack. As he swung the shovel at Jacob, the teen raised the lid to block it. However, the force of the impact knocked Jacob's shield away. Jacob didn't relent, taking this chance to punch the guy and try to grab onto the shovel to use against them.

Though with a kick, Jacob was sent back, and with his bad leg, stumbled until he crashed against the wall. He felt the back of his head grow wet all of a sudden, and his vision began spinning. He'd have to get out of here fast.

'_There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow'_

Finding the knife on the ground used against him earlier, he crawled over to grab it, and flung it at the guy with the shovel, hitting him in the arm, causing him to drop the weapon while his blood splashed along the ground. But what victory that might have brought him didn't matter much with the other two people standing back up before Jacob could fully get back to his feet.

Jacob knew that no matter what condition he was in, the only hope he had of getting out of here in one piece was to flee. Turning around, he forced his legs to move as quickly as they could, gritting his teeth to dull the searing pain that ripped through every nerve.

'_And the ground caved in between where we were standing'_

Seeing the road in front of him, he thought that maybe he could do it. However, the ground and sky suddenly traded places, and his head felt like it had exploded.

When both he and the world stopped spinning he found himself on the ground tasting the cold ground below while the cement grew a morbid tint of red. He turned, though barely able to move, he saw a baseball bat that he must have missed, and from the fading vision and spinning world while he could keep his eyes open, he knew all too well what had happened. He reached his arm forward, hoping someone would pass by and see him.

'_And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve.'_

However, as he faded from consciousness, the last thing he saw was the light of the church not so far away. With eyes closed, he could make out voices better than normal, and could swear he hear the conversations of the congregation. One voice stood out to him, one that seemed to speak with authority. "Whatever happens to whoever it is, is the right of God to punish the sinner."

Closing his eyes, resigning himself to this fate, he let he voices drift away. However, coming from somewhere above him, one more voice rang out. "Hold on, Jacob!"


	42. Chapter 42: Outside the House of God

**Chapter 42: **Outside the House of God

While Eli always enjoyed the large congregations his church had on Sunday mornings, he also relished in the Bible studies they put on during the Monday evenings. This gave them a chance to look at the deeper history of the books of the Bible, less time spent on the formalities of a church service. He pondered what he'd learned about the book of Ezekiel, the philosophical challenges the book raised, some of which had still not been answered.

Still, he'd learned more, seen how this book of prophecy was woven into the history of Israel, and getting a deeper meaning of the warnings in it, but of the love of God that never gave up. As he walked with his parents to his car, he heard a scream for help come from what seemed like a block away. "Should we do something?" Eli asked.

Pastor Trevor walked up to the edge of the parking lot, beneath the gate that welcomed the members to the church. "That's coming from the direction of that gay club," he said.

Eli heard the screams grow louder, and couldn't help but think that he recognized the voice, though under a crackle of thunder, he couldn't make out directly what it was. "Still…" Eli said softly.

"Whatever happens to whoever it is, is the right of God to punish the sinners there," Trevor said with authority to all his members present. Eli nodded solemnly, as he got in the car, praying for grace for whoever it was. And as his father pulled out of the driveway and made their way away from that part of town, Eli felt sick for reasons he didn't know, but tried not thinking about that, not wanting to dwell on things he could do nothing about.


	43. Chapter 43: Wake

**A/N: **Sorry about the long wait for this one. I'm been on vacation the past few days so haven't gotten much writing or editing done, and was busy with other stories and school before that. Anyway, enjoy.

**Chapter 43: Wake**

Beep  
Beep  
Beep

Would you please shut up and let me sleep?

Beep  
Beep  
Beep

It's faster this time.  
Stupid alarm.  
All I want is sleep.  
And a softer pillow.  
And an aspirin.  
But for now, just sleep.

Beep  
Beep  
Beep

And some ear plugs.

…

He didn't know how long he'd been sleeping. He didn't remember exactly what it was that made him sleep for so long. But as his eyes flashed open, he saw the white, nearly blinding, but ever so soothing. His eyes shut right away, his body moved, though he found that more than the slightest movements were restrained.

Where?  
How?  
Who?

He couldn't form all the questions, and didn't know how to let the pain slip away. Like a searing dagger, it filled his head, becoming a thousand times worse anytime he tried moving. The constant beeping annoyed him, so he tried to bury his head into his pillow but it didn't do any good. He heard the voice of someone come into the room, wherever he was, but couldn't make out exactly who it was.

"Jacob, are you awake?"

He mumbled something, his mouth unable to move to make the words he wanted.

"Can you hear me?" He felt the touch on his shoulder, the gentle squeeze that seemed just a little bit more panicked than normal.

"Mom?" he said putting as much energy as he could to whisper that single syllable.

"I'm right here sweetie," she said putting him at ease a little bit even though he didn't have the answers to all his questions. He opened his eyes and for a second he could see her nurse's uniform on her, and realized just what this meant. The white walls, the bed not his own, and now this. He knew now he was in the hospital.

His mind flashed to the night, every how long ago that was. He wanted to believe it was simply the night before, but he had no way of knowing for sure. But he couldn't think about this long as his body dragged him back into unconsciousness.

…

The next time he awoke he had a better idea of where he was, and what had happened, though didn't know any of the details nor the answers to his questions. This time the sun had set, or at least that's what he could tell from the darkness outside the window. Able to move his hand a little bit more this time, he felt his head, the concentration of the pain, and felt something soft surrounding the location of the pain.

"Jacob, can you hear me?"

He tried rolling over, but couldn't get far. Still, he knew the voice, which was one he'd never forget. "Yeah. Hi Sampson," he said as relaxed as possible. He didn't want to over exert himself, afraid of the pain it would cause of he did.

"How are you feeling?" Sampson asked, and Jacob could hear the footsteps walking over to his bed.

"Somewhere between a bulldozer ran over my head and I have a hive of angry bees inside my brain."

"They've been lowering the medication the past few days, hoping that would help you come out of the coma."

"Do I want to know what day it is?"

"Saturday November 24. You've been in the hospital here since Monday night."

Jacob closed his eyes for a moment, letting the various colors of pain flash inside his eyelids. He thought about that battle, trying to get away, trying to find hope. He considered for a time that he could actually die, but didn't really believe it.

But now, being in the hospital for five days, being unconscious at that.

He never thought things would get that bad.

"Your mom has been your nurse since you got here, but she went home to get some sleep. Want me to give her a call?"

Jacob nodded, though moved his head as little as he could while still getting the point across. However, once he heard Sampson leave the room, he let himself fall back asleep. Still, he was alive, felt like heck, but he had faith he'd get better.


	44. Chapter 44: Apologies, Sampson

**Chapter 44: Apologies, Sampson**

Throughout that day, Jacob never could stay awake for long. He'd come back to consciousness for a few minutes, remember where he was, sometimes talk to whoever was in the room for a bit, and then drift back away. While he wanted more answers, to know exactly what happened, how he got here, each time he awoke, he found he couldn't focus enough to worry about it. He remembered something about pain medicine, and wondered just when he'd come out of it. Though he was glad he didn't have to endure everything that he had been through, at least not yet.

Through the few times he was awake, and actually think, he wondered just what this meant, how exactly he got here. Did that gang or whatever it was end up running away after they knocked him out? Did someone come rescue him?

Back then, he thought he could actually die.

As he opened his eyes in the afternoon, he once again saw Sampson sitting in the room. "Feeling any better?" Sampson asked.

"I think so." Jacob started to push himself up off the bed so he was at least sitting up instead of lying down.

"Here, you want me to raise the bed up for you?"

After a few seconds of struggling, his muscles yelling at each movement trying to push himself up, he collapsed back down to the hard mattress. "Sure."

Sampson walked over and pressed the button and Jacob felt himself rise up. He sighed, feeling so weak, unable to even sit up on his own. He knew he was in the hospital. He knew he was hurt, pretty badly apparently. But to be so weak as to not even be able sit. And there was no way he could stand or walk in this condition. "How long am I going to be like this?" Jacob asked.

"They said you'd probably be in here a couple weeks at least."

Jacob sighed, staring out the window, seeing the first snow of winter start to fall. They normally didn't get much snow this far south, though they'd still get some. He figured it would probably be melted by the time he got out of here; he'd never have the opportunity to play in it with his friends, even if he was probably getting too old for that.

"I'll try staying here with you while I can," Sampson said.

"I know."

"Not the same though, is it?"

While he could see the world turn outside, the lights of the day and the dark of the night as the hours passed, he knew he was still a prisoner to his own injuries, a prisoner with no set release date, held at the whim of the doctor's words. He hoped that once he felt better they could bring his laptop or something, give him some connection to the world, but that was nothing compared to the real thing, of being able to run through the streets or even sleep in the comfort of his own bed.

"What happened to me anyway?"

"I don't really know what happened before they brought you here. When I came out they were already helping you into an ambulance."

"You know who called it?"

"Can't say I do. There was some lady helping the emergency workers get you into the ambulance, so it might have been her."

"Any idea who it was?"

"No clue. I doubt she would have stood out much had it been any other time. And I was too worried about what was happening to you to get her name," Sampson said.

"Ah, okay," Jacob said, one step farther away from any answers.

'I should have come out sooner," Sampson said, looking away from Jacob.

"You didn't know," Jacob said as reassuringly as he could. "I mean, for all you knew I was just waiting in the car." Some things happen that no one can see or understand why. One slight difference and things can be a thousand times better or worse. With Sampson crossing his hands and looking down, Jacob could see the bruise on him from his confrontation with Jarren.

"Still, I got caught up talking with Robert, and this happened. I never should have left your side," Sampson said, still turning the other way.

Jacob wanted to tell him everything was going to be all right, that despite the pain he'd get better and then they'd move on. But he wondered if things would be that simple. What if this wouldn't be the last time one of them would get attacked for being gay? He knew that it was becoming more acceptable in society, over the years and decades, things had slowly changed. He heard about a story in Ohio where it was the one who hated gays who was pushed away when he lashed out at a couple holding hands.

But still, there was hate out there.

"They said it was a miracle you survived," Sampson said after a short silence.

This confirmed Jacob's fears.

What if next time he didn't survive?

What if next time Sampson was the victim?

What about their other friends and family?

The bullying in the school hurt. The words tore at his heart, the physical abuse left him bruised, but never once had he been in danger of dying.

Was it even worth it?

To face a society of hate for the man he loved?

Sure, not all of society.

But it took only one man fueled by hate to pull a trigger that could end a life.

"So when they got me here…" Jacob started to say, hoping he could move onto something that would make Sampson feel a bit less guilty. Jacob made it here, he was still alive, and he would get better, given a bit of time. "What happened?"

"They did some surgery in the ER, trying to alleviate the swelling in your brain. They said that was what would kill you, and even with you alive they didn't know if you'd wake up again."

"I kind of remember being hit in the head with something."

"Whatever it was did a hell of a lot of damage to it. For a couple days, they thought you still were going to die."

"Do they still think I might…" Jacob started to ask, but couldn't bring himself to talk about his own death. After all, he was a kid, and dying was for the old, not him.

"They think you're good. But they were using all those fancy words like prognosis, and percentile, porridge, and a few others I don't quite remember. Ask one of the nurses or something if you want to know for sure."

"Okay," Jacob said tightening the grip on the sheet he had over him. He didn't want to think he might die. Didn't want to talk about it, but the fact he was awake had to count for something, that he was through the worst of it, that they'd cut out and sown up whatever it was they had to fix. He really wanted to believe that when he closed his eyes again that he'd know he could open them again.

"I got to go help my mom with something, finishing putting stuff away from Thanksgiving dinner or something like that."

"Ah okay, you have a good Thanksgiving?" Jacob asked, hating losing his only companion here. He saw a TV on the wall, and considered asking one of the nurses to turn it on for him, figuring that would help distract him from the boredom some.

"Pretty good. Would have been better if you were there, though."

"Maybe Christmas."

"Yeah," Sampson said with a smile as he left the room.

Jacob just hoped he would be out of here by then. No, he didn't just hope. He knew he would. He wasn't going to waste a month of his life in this hospital. He had too important of things to do out there. This was no way to live a life.


	45. Chapter 45: Apologies, Eli

**Chapter 45: Apologies, Eli**

As Sampson left the room, Eli waited around the corner, making his fifth lap up and down the halls, wondering if he should go in. Would Jacob even want to see him? Did he know how close he was to that battle that nearly took Jacob's life?

Eli doubted so many things in that week.

Was this God's justice, a punishment for the wicked?

That was the reason not to act; to let God's will be carried out in whatever way it was ordained.

But the few times he glanced in the room, seeing Jacob lying there in so much pain, he wondered how true that was.

Surely God rewarded the righteous and punished the wicked.

But Eli considered Jacob a friend.

And he was supposed to weep when his friends were hurt.

He was supposed to help them when they needed him.

What kind of friend was he, to let Jacob nearly die like that?

Sure, he didn't know Jacob was the one screaming out for help.

But that logic didn't make his guilt budge any.

Even now, the screams of terror clawed at his ears, the weight of the world condemning him for what he had done.

A seventh time passing the door, this time Jacob's eyes looking for him, and he knew he had no way to run and pretend he was never here.

"Hey, Jacob," Eli said as he nervously entered the room. He felt the stares of hate coming from the injured man as he took a seat. Sure, to anyone else, Jacob's gentle wave would mean that he was happy to see a friend, but Eli couldn't help but think about what he'd done. "How are you feeling?"

"A little bit better than when I woke up," Jacob said though his voice was so soft Eli could barely hear him over the instruments beeping around him. "I guess word got around about this."

"Didn't take long," Eli said, thinking about how quickly the news caught onto it, the front page of the local paper that ignited a string of voices from every side of the spectrum. From those mounting arguments for the closure of the club to those demanding that the gang be stoned for what they did. "It's good to see you awake."

"It certainly beats the other option."

Eli twiddled his thumbs, wondering if he could say that he was so close to there when it happened. He hated for his friend to know his guilt, the reason that he didn't come to help. It seemed so wrong, he tried avoiding the gays in the school, making sure not to get caught up in that crowd, but here he was, in a room with one, and couldn't help but let a few tears fall at seeing the pain on Jacob's face, the stained bandage wrapped around the side of his head.

Looking away and then closing his eyes, Eli looked for words to say. He wanted to believe that God's will was perfect, but the pain and suffering in the hospital told him that something was so wrong. It was God's right as a just God to punish sin. But every time he looked at Jacob, Eli couldn't accept this was so simple as God's justice.

"I'm so sorry," Eli said, the guilt compelling him to speak.

"For not helping you," he added after a couple seconds. The will of God was unbreakable, but Eli couldn't accept that meant he should do nothing and let someone die. Surely that wasn't in the will of God!

"What do you mean?"

"I was there. I heard you scream." Eli shook his head not wanting to accept that Jacob probably hated him now, but he couldn't lie to himself, or Jacob, and just pretend nothing happened.

Opening his eyes for a second, he saw the look of confusion on Jacob's face. "We were just getting out off our Bible study, in the parking lot. We heard that scream, coming from the club." Eli folded his hands as if he was going to pray. "We dismissed it, thinking it was God's justice, and that we shouldn't interfere." He didn't know what else to say, what excuse to make, if there even was one. But because of that decision, which he had to admit wasn't just his own, he nearly lost one of his friends.

"Oh, I see," Jacob said.

"I guess, I don't know. I'm glad you're going to be okay, really I am. I can't help but thinking what would happen if you weren't. If they'd hit you harder, or hadn't run away when they did." He wanted to ask Jacob to forgive him, but didn't know if he should. Was it really his fault? He didn't physically hurt Jacob, and he was only going with what his pastor was saying? But did that mean that he thought Trevor was wrong? God loved sinners, and wanted them to come to him. But he also hated sin, and punished offenses against Himself.

Eli thought about Travis, the college student who had been hit by the car a couple weeks before. He didn't choose to feel bad when he learned that Travis died of his injuries, because in Eli's mind, Travis was only getting what he deserved for all his sins.

But would he believe the same with Jacob?

Sure, Jacob was gay, and that made him a sinner, but was he as bad? Sure, Jacob didn't do those other things, like drugs, or sleeping around, at least not as far as he knew. But did it matter how bad a sin it was, when compared to a holy and perfect God?

"I'll be fine," Jacob said. "You didn't mean to leave me there."

That much was true. He didn't mean to hurt him. But did the bonds of a friendship matter in a life or death situation?

If it had been a stranger, would things have been different?

Should things have been different?

"Can you forgive me?" Eli asked through tear stained eyes.

Jacob wondered just what forgiveness meant. Society wouldn't say that Eli did anything wrong. Sure, it was wrong to leave a wounded man, but not punishable to law. And he wondered about what Eli said, that they thought this was God's punishment for sin. Was he that far from God that he'd be punished for his sin? Wasn't God all about love, not condemnation? But still, he saw Eli, someone who he had avoided since he came out as being gay, asking for forgiveness. "Of course," Jacob said with a gentle nod.

"Thank you. We're still friends, right?"

Jacob nodded as he tried to reach his hand up. Eli got up from his seat, and took Jacob's hand in his. Did it matter so much that his friend was gay? He didn't like it, didn't think he was right. But perhaps a friendship didn't have to depend solely on agreement about everything.

…

Sampson had just wanted to rush back in and find his car keys (he swore he was wearing pants without holes in the pockets today), but as he heard Eli's confession, he felt his blood boil. He didn't hear much, only that Eli and his church was there when Jacob was attacked, could have done something to save him. This sent him running down the hall, anger filling his thoughts.

How could they just abandon Jacob like that? He knew Jacob was a better Christian than they were, so how could they just leave him there? From the preacher's he'd heard, there was also something about love, but how could leaving a man to die be loving?

Would they have been the same if Jacob had died?

Going on in their holy robes and suits, heads stuck so far up their asses they couldn't see the suffering around them. Hands so far away from whatever world they claimed to care about, just to avoid the blood being on their hands.

They couldn't get away with that.

But they would.

They always did.

It didn't matter what.

A few strings pulled, a few promises of finding favor with God, or perhaps hushed whispers of a divine wrath should the truth come out.

Lives ruined or lost, it didn't matter. Only for the church to appear clean, the pristine members of society, or at least for the entire world to see. It happened before, and surely it would happen again. And Sampson knew there wasn't a damn thing that would change that. Not without something drastic. He could shout and scream all he wanted, point fingers and dig up the truth, but that wouldn't change anything.

He saw Eli walking into the elevator to head downstairs, so Sampson ran to catch up to him, getting in just as the door closed.

As the door closed and the two of them descended the many flights, Sampson spoke up. "You think you're something special, don't you?"

"What do you mean?" Eli said looking up at the much taller guy beside him.

Before Eli could do anything to stop him, Sampson had rammed him against the wall and lifted him a few inches off the ground. "You think a few simple words will make up for what happened to him? He could have died!"

"I-I know," Eli said, struggling to breathe. "But, I-"

"You what? Think you're better than him. What about the rest of your people? Why aren't they here begging for forgiveness? Do they think Jacob is beneath them? Is that what Jesus told you to do?"

Sampson let go and Eli collapsed to the ground. "We didn't know it was him."

"Should you give a damn about who it is?"

Eli didn't say anything for a second.

"Yeah, I wouldn't be so pissed if it wasn't my boyfriend you left to die without lifting a finger. You know, I think that's almost as bad as what those bastards did to him. I'd kill them if I had a chance, but at least they did something. You just stood back, cowards, clinging to something about holiness to excuse yourself."

The door opened and Eli took off running, Sampson's words making him wonder. Was that what love was? Sampson's fury, caring about someone who was hurt. But Eli knew he wasn't as bad as those who'd actually done that to Jacob.

…

As the door closed behind a fleeing Eli, Sampson knew what he had to do. They would keep living like that, spreading hate and allowing murder. They thought themselves above morality, but they would see what love was, what hate was. His heart pounded against his chest, as he thought about it. But seeing Jacob like that, his head gushing blood, having numerous surgeries done just with the hope that he might live.

Some things could not be undone.

But some things could be prevented from happening again.

"Jacob's going to hate me," Sampson said with his arms crossed, as he rode the elevator back up to Jacob's room.

Hate was a powerful thing.

And right now, Sampson hated that church.


	46. Chapter 46: Answers Part 1

**Chapter 46: Answers**

Jacob wondered how long he'd sleep for this time, as his eyelids grew weary once again. He vaguely remembered Sampson coming back into the room, grabbing something off the ground, and then placing a hand on Jacob's forehead and saying words Jacob couldn't remember. But he couldn't be sure of what were dreams and what was reality.

He wanted rest, a reprise from the pain, but at the same time he also wanted to get out of this hospital and get back to life again, not having people fuss over him wondering when his next dose of medication was due. The stinging of the IVs against his skin made him want to tear them out, but when he could barely move, he didn't have the power to get rid of them, and knew that even if he did, it would only cause him more harm.

He felt his stomach growl as he drifted away, smiling as he thought about a giant chocolate chip cookie and once more falling into a deep sleep.

…

When he awoke next, he saw the sun started to rise against the fallen snow. When he finally remembered where he was, the confusion about the strange bed and room fading away quickly, he thought of the day it was.

Sunday.

A week ago, he was thrown out from the church. On any other Sunday, he'd be getting ready to return there. Even if his legs would take him there, he wondered if he'd be welcome. How far had the truth spread? Did everyone know? Even though he didn't know everyone in the church, surely his dad had enough renown and would now be known as the man with the gay son. But why hide from the truth? Why be ashamed of who he was?

He thought about praying, maybe seeing if he could get a Bible to read, or talk to a Chaplin. Sure, it wasn't church, but God wasn't restrained to just the walls of the holy buildings. But through the pain starting to pick up across his body, he wondered if that was something he even wanted, the pain was too much for him to think about focusing.

He closed his eyes trying to hide from the pain, and the flaming explosion that seemed to wrap around his head. Through closed eyelids his vision turned red, like the inside of his eyelids were covered in blood. He opened his eyes again, the room through distorted coming back into view. He tried moving his hand to press the call nurse button, though he wasn't able to reach it before his arm's strength failed him, the limb falling limp beside him.

Trying to take several even breaths to regain himself, he still felt as if a boulder rested on top of his chest, making each breath take more strength than it gave him. He fell back asleep, unable to muster the strength to stay awake.

…

"Is he able to have visitors?"

"Last I checked on him, he was sleeping."

"Do you have an idea when he'll wake up?"

'He's been sleeping a lot these past few days. I don't think he's been awake for over an hour at a time yet."

"I see. Would it be okay if I sat with him; in case he wakes up?"

"As long as you don't disturb him. He's been through a rough week."

"I don't doubt that in the least."

Jacob heard the voices stop talking and could make out the sound of shoes against the hard tile floor. So, this was a visitor for him. He wondered just who it was, unable to exactly place the voice, though he felt like he should know who it was.

He opened one eye for a brief second, and saw it was Zeke, one of the deacons from his church. He remember those couple weeks ago when Zeke was at the house, after Pastor Green hit that guy with his car and they were wondering what to do.

He wondered just what Zeke was doing here. He didn't really want to talk to anyone from his church, if that even was his church anymore. Jacob felt his breath catch in his throat, which caused Zeke to turn to him, however Jacob closed his eyes, thinking he'd done so before Zeke could know he was awake.

That was good. Zeke would have to leave soon, and that way Jacob wouldn't' have to talk to him. He was in too much pain to deal with that anyway.

But would that do any good? He could only put if off for so long. Then again, he didn't have anything to say to his church right now. Maybe later he'd come up with something, come up with some type of response to defend himself, if he even had something to defend.

Hearing the sound of shoes shuffling, Jacob's eyes opened again, and he saw Zeke sitting in prayer. He wondered what Zeke was praying for. Himself? For Jacob? For countless other things that had to be going on?

Out of all the deacons, Zeke was the one Jacob seemed to get along with the best. Sure, he didn't mind the others, he knew them all because his father was one, but rarely did any conversations go beyond the simple questions about his life. Zeke seemed to take more of an interest in him, offer to pray with him and ask he how he was doing, in a way that seemed to matter.

Was it right to just ignore someone he'd looked up to?

Though the ones he'd looked up to had tossed him aside before.

Should he expect anything less from Zeke?

He wanted to believe that someone still cared about him, that there was someone who didn't hate his kind or who he was.

"Is that you Zeke?" Jacob asked weakly stretching what little he could, trying to act as if he'd just woken up.

"Yes, it's good to see you again Jacob. Though I had wished it would have been in better circumstances."

"Believe me, I'd be all for that."

"I'm sure. Are you still in much pain?" Zeke asked

Jacob shook his head, while the pain was still there, it had dulled compared to earlier, and it didn't feel like his head was going to explode at least. "It's getting better."

"Good. Let us hope that is a sign of good things to come."

"Yeah. Sometimes I wonder though, it just seems like things are getting worse and worse," Jacob said. Recalling all the torment, the names, the words, the dress, the punches, it shouldn't have come to any surprise that he'd end up here eventually. He wondered why he was talking with someone who was the cause of some of that though.

"It's understandable. Sometimes life throws us into things and we can't see any good coming of it. I wish I could tell you to just pray and things will get better, but I feel that would be too simple of words."

"I tried praying a few times, but I don't know. It's just, I'm not even sure if God wants to hear from me."

"Do you think God doesn't want to hear from you, or are you afraid to hear from God?"

If Jacob was honest, he knew the second was true. In a way, he didn't want to know what God wanted, afraid that it would tear him away from what he did. He'd accepted that it wasn't wrong, but didn't want to hear there could be another possibility.

"I'm not here to condemn you are anything," Zeke said after Jacob stayed silent. "If anything, I wanted to apologize for what happened."

"So you heard about the church band thing?"

"I did. I wished I could have stopped it but they wanted to show that they didn't support sin in anyway so made their decision far too fast," Zeke said.

"So you thought I should have stayed in the band then?"

"You've demonstrated yourself to be someone who cares about God and serving the members of the church. That should have been considered before any judgment was made. We must treat people with love first and foremost, before we judge them for wrongdoing."

"So you think this is wrong too? What I'm doing with Sampson," Jacob asked.

"It's hard for you to accept acting on your attraction to him is a sin, isn't it?"

Jacob nodded. That was his logic. Why go against what his heart felt? Surely that couldn't be wrong.

"I know how you feel. But that's what happens when we put our faith in our own judgment apart from the word of God. After all, as the prophet Jeremiah said, 'the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked.'"

Jacob sighed. How could he know anything, if he couldn't trust himself? He had to make judgments everyday based on what he felt, so it was impossible to just ignore it. Besides, he loved Sampson, loved being with him, surely that love was what mattered!

"Even so, does the Bible really say this is wrong? I know there are those verses in Leviticus, but those don't apply to us anymore, since Jesus came and got rid of the law."

"That much is true," Zeke said, "the laws of the old covenant don't apply to us anymore, at least not directly. But they can still be a guide on how to live. I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is looking at a single Bible verse and thinking that's the end of the story. The Bible is so vast, so context dependent that doing so is an insult to God's craftsmanship as he wove it together. It's like looking at a puzzle piece of the sky, and seeing it as white, so thinking the whole sky must be white even though that is only a small cloud."

"That makes sense. But still, what does the context mean? I remember Leviticus was a guide for Israel, so does it still mean anything for us today?"

"It was created in many ways to set Israel apart from the other nations. They had one god instead of many, were to care for the less fortunate instead of treating them as nothing, and were to be a morally righteous people. Not so different compared to how we are supposed to live today."

"But that doesn't mean all the laws are still true. Like the one about clothes, how they couldn't be of mixed material."

"Exactly," Zeke said, "You have to look at the ones around it. The one in Leviticus 18, which says not to have sexual relations with a man as you should with a women. One forbidding sacrificing children to ideals and forbidding bestiality surrounded it. It's also part of a longer set of rules that forbid incest."

"I see." Jacob wasn't convinced that this meant it was wrong. And well, he shouldn't take everything literally from the Bible, especially when it was targeted at people so long ago.

"You don't want to believe it's true though, do you?" Zeke asked to which Jacob shook his head. It wasn't so simple. This couldn't be wrong. He shouldn't be attacked for doing these things!

"Did Jesus say anything about this?" Jacob asked. He was God himself, the foundation of their religion, and the way to the father.

"No," Zeke said. "You are right, the Bible is quiet on that. But Paul does mention it in Corinthians, referring to that very passage in Leviticus. In Romans, Paul discusses homosexuality in several verses, examining in enough detail that it can't so easily be written off."

"You've really thought about this a lot, haven't you?" Jacob asked.

"Indeed. I've wrestled with this same issue myself, figuring out what it all means, what I should do. I have an uncle and cousin who were gay, didn't see anything wrong with it, met friends who were the same, even one who had his heart broken when he came out to a guy he'd had a crush on forever. But it wasn't just because of them I thought about this so much."

"What do you mean?" Jacob asked, the pieces starting to come together, but he wasn't sure if he was just jumping to conclusions.

"It's just as it sounds. I've had homosexual desires since I was a kid. For a long time, I wasn't attracted to girls like a lot of my friends seemed to be. Thought it was just because I took longer getting into them than they were. I had crushes on a couple guys then, but I didn't know what to think of them, didn't know ."

"Wow." Jacob waited a minute, not understanding how that could be. A leader of the church had these feelings, the church that had kicked him out. "So what did you do about them?"

"Prayed for God to take them away. Which, he sometimes did for a little bit. Came to the point when I knew he wouldn't, that I'd always have these desires. Which, you know, having the desire isn't wrong. It's what we do with them. It's like many tendencies; some people are prone to lashing out in anger. The tendency isn't the sin, but when they succumb to it, then it is."

"Have you ever had a boyfriend?" Jacob asked.

Zeke shook his head. "It took me a while to figure out that I really had feelings for other guys. And by the time I did, I was too scared to tell anyone, for a long time at least."

"Didn't you ever want one?" Jacob asked.

"Many times. I wondered what it would be like if I never found someone. I mean, my friends were getting engaged, getting married, having kids, and I felt like I was falling behind what I should be doing. Sure, I thought about asking out a few girls, had a crush on one I worked with for a couple years, but then she got another boyfriend before I could say anything."

"So then what?"

"Life went on. I shouldn't be constrained to need to a significant other to live a good life. After all, Paul considered singleness a blessing, and in some ways, that gave me more freedom to serve God through it. Raising a family is wonderful and a service to the Lord, but it's not the only life that's worthwhile."

"It seems like so much to take in," Jacob said.

"I understand that. And I don't have all the answers. But know that above all God loves you. And wants the best for you, even when it doesn't make sense."

"I guess so," Jacob said.

"I have to go now. If there is anything you want to talk about, come find me. I'll keep your secrets safe."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry, I'm sure that you didn't feel like talking about this right now."

"No, it's fine."

As Zeke left the room, Jacob found himself even more confused than ever before. Was what he was doing so wrong? Zeke seemed so show that his relationship with Sampson was wrong, but was it so wrong to go off what his feelings told him? And even if there were some similarities between the two of them, Jacob wasn't ready to trust that Zeke had all the answers.

No, for every answer he got, he had a hundred more questions.


	47. Chapter 47: Answers Part 2

**Chapter 47: Answers part 2**

Night fell and as Jacob stared out across the city through his tiny window to the world, he saw the snow as it glistened on the streets below, being shoveled to the side. It seemed so quiet, so peaceful. He had no idea of the pain or suffering that could be happening, for him, the noise of the world was drowned out by the silence of the room, save for the occasional beeping of a medical instrument.

"Things will get better soon," a voice said. Jacob sat up, and saw the door to his room hadn't budged; there was no one he heard or saw coming in. Even being a bit out of it from the drugs, he would have thought he'd still notice someone coming in there.

"Who was that?" he asked, thinking that he might have just been imagining things.

"Look beside you," the voice said, and Jacob turned toward the window and saw a woman standing there, who smiled at him. He thought he'd seen her before; the curly brown hair, the kind and gentle look in her eyes.

"Who are you?" he asked, curious, though had no fear of this stranger it seemed like he knew.

"My name is Angie. I'm here to bring you a message."

"A message? From who?"

"From the Almighty God of Heaven and Earth."

Any other time someone who said that, claiming they had a message from God, Jacob would laugh it off, or at the very least take what they said with a heavy dose of skepticism, but he at least wanted to hear what Angie had to say.

"You humans have often thought of people having guardian angels, angels who protect them through their lives. And while the spiritual world is far more complex than a human mind can understand, God does send us to watch over people. Some for a short time, some for long."

"Huh?"

"You have found favor with God, Jacob. He knew the hard times you would face, but also knew the greatness you had in store for you."

"So, you're an angel then. My guardian angel?"

"That is the best way for you to understand it. If it weren't for me, and one of your friends, you would have died that night. But God had grace on you, and sent us to give you another chance."

"Who else? And why me?" He wondered so many things, if this could be true, or a construct of his imagination caused by drugs and pain, swimming around in his brain.

"There are many things you don't understand about the world. Much not even I know about the future. But God's calling isn't based on the merit of people, you sin so many times, yet His love endures through it all, and His desire is to bring all people back to Him."

Jacob smiled, thinking of God's grace that poured out no matter what he did.

"His love amazes even us. He wants for the whole world to come to Him, to turn from their rebellion."

"So, is what I'm doing, wrong?" Jacob asked.

"You have the scriptures, the words of the law and prophets, along with the gospels and letters of the apostles. My words mean nothing if your heart isn't ready to accept the truth in those." Jacob sighed, once more not having the answers he wanted. He wondered; did his conscious have the answers. Could he trust himself to decide?

"But remember Jacob, where there is sin, love will forgive. Where there is pain, strength will come. Where there is death, life will rise. When you can't make any sense of the world, faith will come to bridge the gap between what you can know and the unknowable majesty of God."

Jacob smiled. Perhaps all the answers wouldn't come so easily. Perhaps he'd still have questions. But he'd continue to seek the answers, but follow God through the mystery while faith led him.

As he turned to thank Angie for her kind words, he noticed she was gone, though as he looked outside, he could see a shooting star race across the skyline. While he had no way of knowing for sure, he believed that this was Angie returning to her home.


	48. Chapter 48: Circle of Hate

**A/N: **Before I begin the climax of the story, I wanted to give a slight warning and explanation. These next few chapters may make the reader uncomfortable. I've had this ending in mind for a while, almost since I got the idea in the summer, ran it through my head multiple times, thinking of exactly what each character would do; who would live and who would die. However, some things happened that made me consider going with a completely different ending, which may make sense to you after reading this.

However, I choose to stick with this one. I don't write with the intention of offending people, but I want to make them think, to consider something different. Sometimes it takes pain to do so, and I'm not one to sacrifice my idea because people might not like it. And as I've said so many times, the story goes where it wants and I just tell it, sometimes I'm as surprised as you are at the plot twists. So I'm venturing forward with this ending. I'm writing this author note before I write these chapters, so maybe something will surprise me, some reasoning I can't see yet.

So, let's see just where this story will go.

Note: song lyrics are from 12 Stone's 'World So Cold.'

**Chapter 48: The Circle of Hate **

**Sunday November 25 6AM**

Eli stared out the window on this early morning, seeing the snow glisten along the grass and the roads not so far away. He was surprised he didn't feel more tired, knowing it was another half hour until his alarm was supposed to go off to wake him for church.

But like his mind, his body couldn't find rest.

He thought about what Sampson said to him, and he wouldn't deny he was a little bit scared of the older guy. But he'd be okay; he had faith God would look over him. Sampson was just angry (not without reason), and Eli knew he just happened to be the closest outlet for his anger. He'd been shaken before by something unexpected, and knew this too, like so much else, would just simply pass.

Still, questions remained.

What was right?

Who could be trusted?

At the crux of every debate raging in his mind, were the words his pastor spoke. Though he knew Trevor wasn't that old, he could only vaguely remember a time when he wasn't leading their church, and Eli knew he had learned so much from him. He wanted to believe that he could trust everything Trevor had said, he had been able to so far.

But he remembered Jacob.

Could a righteous man let another die?

Even if that man was a sinner?

Eli thought of the story of the Good Samaritan, the one who was wounded and ignored by two holy men. Was he like those men? Those who claimed to have faith, but just looked the other way when someone was hurt?

But, he knew he believed what he did.

He had declared that Jesus was Lord, and he believed in his heart that God raised him from the dead.

That's what made him a Christian, the book of Romans told him so.

But faith without works was dead.

The book of James said that much.

He thought about the work he did around the church, volunteering for multiple hours a week, surely that had to count for something. Though what did it matter when a brother in Christ was left to die? He thought once more that it wasn't just his fault, but did the sins of the many mean the sin of the one wasn't so great? Was that even a sin?

His conscious told him it was.

The law may not have explicitly condemned him, but the Bible said the law was written on the hearts of man.

And his heart felt like it had been dragged through mud, scraped by every rock along the way.

"Forgive me," Eli prayed, looking up to the sky, though the clouds of the night sky blocked the stars. He knew God was everywhere, though he felt so alone, so far from where he should be. Factual knowledge didn't mean much when everything else told him it couldn't be true. He wanted the faith he could be so certain in that devoured any doubt. He held it before, but now it felt like a quickly fading memory. Now it seemed like doubt consumed every argument he'd been taught for faith.

What could he believe?

What was true?

Who could be trusted?

He trusted God.

But was that all?

He relied on Trevor to teach him, trusted that those many years of education gave him the wisdom to impart the truth to the congregation. But he couldn't hate people like Jacob like that, couldn't just dismiss him as a condemned sinner. Was Trevor wrong about homosexuals? What if his stance on homosexuality wasn't the only thing Trevor couldn't be trusted on?

But...was Trevor really wrong? Maybe Eli was just letting his emotions get carried away. He held his head in his hands as he paced along the window, hoping for some words of wisdom from his past to come back to him, some proverb to give him guidance. He picked up his small Bible he kept by his bed, flipped to the book of Proverbs and looked to a random* verse.

Proverbs 10: 13, "Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of one who has no sense."

He tossed the holy book away, letting it bounce across his bed. What did that mean? That he should be discerning? Well, he knew discernment was a good thing; that he should be able to distinguish between right and wrong, between truth and lies. But how did that help him? Who should he be discerning of? Pastor Trevor's teachings? Jacob's lifestyle? His own thoughts? God himself?

He sat back on his bed with enough force to lean back so he was nearly lying down. His legs hung off the side of the bed, kicking the air out of frustration while his hands covered his eyes, wanting to fade away to somewhere that everything made sense. He pondered the imagery of the rod hitting someone's back, and that made him wonder who were the ones that it was for. Those who had no sense, but who was that? The flagrant sinner, that made sense, the one who would just do the opposite of what God wanted, ignore any directions of right or wrong. But what about those who thought they were doing what was right, when they were really doing something wrong? They weren't discerning, but did they risk judgment from God for misunderstandings of that kind of degree? Was there such a disconnect, between someone discerning and someone who had no sense like the proverb said? Eli knew that proverbs shouldn't be taken literally all the time, that there were guidelines for wisdom, and not hard rules to follow.

Still it made him wonder.

He got up from the bed, rubbing his head, knowing that his racing thoughts would make it impossible to sleep no matter how much he tossed and turned. He decided to leave his room, hoping the quiet of the house would absorb his ever-shifting thoughts.

As he stepped into the hallway, he heard only the furnace running, the gentle roar calming him in a way. Eli walked across the hallway, trying to force mindless thoughts through his mind, hoping those would distract him and let him rest, though stopped when he saw a faint light coming from the guest room. He thought his friend had gone to bed a bit after him, so it was too early for him to be up. Still, after everything that had happened, Eli wasn't surprised to know he wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep.

Taking those few steps down the hallway, he felt out of place. All these existential questions bothered him, but should that be his focus now? It seemed so strange, a kid involved in one of the cases his father got at the law firm turned out to be one of his friends. He never knew how much pain his friend was going through. He walked down the hallway, hearing the faint sounds of the TV. In a way, it felt like he had to help, to make up for the friends he had left behind. But more than that, he wanted to help; that's what friends were there for, and what they did, when they weren't blinded by the concerns of their own life.

"You awake, Ben?" he asked, as he gently knocked on the door that was slightly cracked open.

"Hey, what's going on?" Ben asked with a wave as he laid on the bed watching something on the small TV.

"Couldn't sleep much, thought I might just get up early," Eli said taking a seat on the bed with Ben. "You couldn't either?"

"Nah, just really excited, can't calm myself down enough to sleep for long," Ben said.

"Tomorrow is the big day," Eli said, glad to see after so much, that things would finally be getting better for Ben. He really didn't know how much Ben was going through until a few days ago, after they found out Jacob was in the hospital. He found it sad, how people could go through life hiding their pain so much, and only in a time of true need letting someone in.

"Yep, Matt and I will be together again. And away from them." Eli couldn't help but notice the giant smile spread across Ben's face, and smile the same. "I still don't believe it's real," Ben said.

"It is. God came through for you two."

Ben nodded. He wondered how long he could have made it with his mom, how badly he'd end up hurt, or even worse. Matt couldn't be there all the time, and it was the times he was alone that things seemed the worst. But even when he couldn't see it, and thought he was alone, Matt was there, protecting him from afar, doing what he could to get out of there for good.

"I can't believe Dad said yes to it too," Ben said, "I mean, after the way he kept pushing us, to just give up custody of me to Matt seems so unreal. I still wish I could have been there to hear how he did it."

"I'm sure he had his reasons, but the important thing is you'll be in your own safe home tomorrow night," Eli said.

"It will be nice," Ben said. "I just hope Mom won't change her mind," he added as an afterthought.

"I'm sure she won't. God has brought you this far, and I'm sure He'll bring you completely out of this."

Ben nodded in agreement. "Thank you for letting me stay here in the meantime."

"It was my parents who let you stay here. But if I could help in any way, it was my pleasure. I'm going to try getting some sleep, since I'll probably have to shovel the sidewalks at church because of the snow so I need to be there early for it."

"Want me to go with you?"

"Nah, Dad will take me, and then Mom can bring you a bit before the service starts."

"All right, see you there."

As Eli left the room, his heart felt a bit more at ease. He wanted the answers to all his questions, but the simple fact that his friend was going to be away from that nightmare of a home told him that things would be okay. And that was enough to quell his questions. And despite the fact he knew he wouldn't get the sleep his body needed, he felt tired and hoped the few hours would be enough until he got home after church.

…

Sampson stayed up all through the night making his plans: writing them down, and scratching them out, only to write the same thing a few minutes later. His heart pounded like never before, adrenaline propelling his body to the scenarios he once thought unthinkable. Seeing the scars on Jacob's body, the wounds (some that would never fully heal), told him that justice had to be served, the justice the government would never give. He gripped the pencil he was holding so tight out of anger that it cracked when he went to write down another line.

They would pay.

He'd make sure of it.

A voice seemed to whisper to him, asking if they were truly guilty.

A voice of consciousness or fear, he couldn't be sure.

But any man who would let another die is as guilty as the killer himself.

That's how he saw it.

Sampson rummaged the pages of Wikipedia, Google, and YouTube (surprised to find an old FBI video that provided him more information than he thought possible), looking for the pieces of information he'd need to do this right. He gulped as he imagined every scenario, the pain and death that would be coming, making him question if this was truly right.

A righteous man should not die,  
but what about a guilty one?  
Is the reverse also true?

Every time he thought about just going to bed and let this pass, the anger grew in him again. He walked down to the kitchen, hearing his mom's snoring coming from her bedroom and he wondered what she'd think of this. She always told him to stand up for himself, to do something worthwhile.

So was this it?

Or was it just stupid?

He eyed the gun hanging on the mantle, thinking about the times he'd gone to shoot it at the range. He dreamed about if he had to defend himself, protect those he loved from an enemy.

It's not wrong to strike back in self-defense,  
but what about long after the first blow?  
Is the reverse also true?

As he pulled it from the mantle, grabbing a box of bullets hidden behind the TV, wondering how many bullets he should take. His hands trembled as the weapon of death felt a hundred times heavier than ever before. When the time came, he thought he'd be okay killing with it.

This was different

This wasn't in defense.

But did that make it wrong?

Maybe…  
Probably…  
Maybe not…  
He didn't know.

He carried the gun and the bullets up to his room, setting them down on the bed before leaving the room, and heading back downstairs. He grabbed a bottle of vodka from the cabinet in the kitchen. His mom kept it around even though she swore to never touch the stuff again, which seemed strange, but right now it didn't matter much to him. He walked over to the sink and poured it down the drain, thinking that the residue would help give this an extra punch.

Taking breaths as silently as he could, he left out the back door to the house and made his way to the shed, the bottle still in his hand. Picking up a can of gasoline they used for the lawnmower, and a container of motor oil that he guessed had just been sitting their for years, he brought them together on the table, carefully pouring the two of them into the bottle.

It was one thing to see the explosion on YouTube, smile at the noise and the fire, but it was another to be wielding this destructive power himself. He wondered how much damage this would really do; how many people could die.

They say not to cast the first stone  
But what if the stone had been cast at you long ago,  
At your loved ones,  
At your people,  
Is it right to cast a stone back?

Is it right to kill to save a life?  
What if that life was currently in no danger?  
What if the victim hadn't done anything wrong…  
Yet?

What if it's countless lives?  
Either taken, or saved.

It's not so simple.

It never is.

Right and wrong,  
Truth and lies,  
Sin and love,  
Hate and fear,  
Enthusiasm and confusion.

Can you tell the difference when you're blinded by passion?  
Can you spot a lie when you're drowning in doctrine?

He thought about these as he poured a few ounces of motor oil into the bottle, hoping he got the ratio right. Sampson tried pushing those questions away, but none of his questions had simple answers.

What if someone died from this who would have helped Jacob but wasn't there?  
What if he was wrong about them, given only a snapshot from a few words?

Some things he knew for certain.

Jacob was attacked out of hate.

He nearly died, spared by a miracle that the doctors didn't understand.

Barring that miracle, Sampson would have lost the one he loved.

The people who did it, and those who stood by doing nothing,

They deserved to suffer.

Sampson finished wrapping the old sock around the bottle, slammed the cork on as best he could. He hoped it would hold.

For long enough at least.

After heading back to the house, he went upstairs, hearing nothing but his mom's snoring coming from her room, telling him that she had no idea.

As he entered his room, he took another look at the gun on the table, the black of the weapon appearing even darker than normal.

Part of him wanted to hate the church and all they stood for. Another part wanted to believe that they weren't as bad as he thought, that perhaps it was a few that truly deserved to suffer while the rest were good people.

Could he kill without being sure?

He looked at his watch, seeing that it was around 6AM by now. The service started in just a few hours. If he'd strike then, he'd have to decide soon. Surely once he opened fire, he couldn't turn back, he'd likely be arrested, and for a moment he considered, even killed.

But to send a message to avenge Jacob's loss, it would be worth it.

Jacob would never condone this.  
He wasn't a fighter; he'd want to move on.

Was that weakness that didn't want to fight?  
Or strength that wanted to forgive?

Either way, Jacob would hate Sampson after this.

But while that hurt him more than any other pain that would come, the love he had for Jacob was worth the sacrifice.

Putting the makeshift bomb and the gun on the table, the weight of their power tore on this heart. He hoped his mom wouldn't be awake when he left, he didn't want to have to face her. Sure, he figured he could sneak out easy enough. Eying his large winter coat, one that despite him being so big seemed like it would fit someone twice his size, he knew that would conceal his weapons.

With nerves frayed, he put on the coat. Putting the bomb in one pocket, and a lighter in the other, he put the gun in the coat across his chest, and it still zipped fine.

This is how he'd do it.

This is how he'd get there.

And get revenge.

He thought about the timing again, when the perfect time would be.

The beginning of the service?

The end?

Did he want to give them a chance to see him before striking, or do it by pure stealth?

Another part of him screamed that this was a bad idea, that even if he did succeed that it would ruin his life.

But he wondered, how many lives had people like them ruined?

How many more would suffer if he did nothing?

Maybe this wouldn't help anyone.

But if it saved one life, it could be worth it.

Among the many questions, he wanted to have some certainty. Looking at himself in the mirror with the coat on, he could barely recognize the gun there, the overall bulkiness of the coat making it look almost natural.

He decided he'd make his decision there.

And carry out the judgment they so deserved, whatever it may be.

Walk away, seeing his hate was unfounded.

Or execute the judgment they so deserved.

Seeing that he still had time, he pulled out a pen and paper, and began writing. Should he not come back, for whatever reason, his mom would know that he loved her, and that this was his way of changing the world.

…

Snow blanketed the roads as Sampson drove to church that Sunday morning. Road crews had been dispatched, salt was poured, but even so, where there were marks dividing lanes, only the same color of white existed. Everyone drove slowly, anyone who thought they should drive the speed limit quickly found their way behind a careful driver.

And for once, Sampson was fine taking it slow. It let the pain build, the hate run the hundreds of scenarios through his mind.

What if they had security?

What if they were able to stop him, before he did whatever it was he chose to do?

Would it have any impact then?

A death for a foolish desire, for revenge.

Was that all this was?

But what some would call foolishness others would die for.

Who some would say was crazy, a man who deserved to die,

Would be the savior of the world.

Salvation comes from the darkest of places

Judgment comes from the most depraved hearts

And light, is shunned by the ones who see it most.

After a trip far longer than he would have liked, Sampson pulled into the parking lot, finding the first spot he could, not caring about the long walk through the snow. Getting out of his car, he put his hood up, halting the feeling of the cold snow blowing in his face. He adjusted his coat, trying to subtly hold the gun, and took in the many people walking into the church, many of them dressed in suits and ties while his clothes were barely fit for school. He had some rips in his jeans, and a t-shirt that was close to falling apart underneath his coat.

He stepped through the snow, scouring the perfectly laden landscape, the pure white dirtied by his shoes.

'_It starts with pain__  
__Followed by hate'_

The churchgoers treated it like any other day. The life that he lived, the justice he brought, completely escaping them. They didn't know; they didn't care. They had no clue what could befall them today. They paid no mind to the wounded and the hurting, only going on with their lives, maybe giving passing thought to their own discomfort should it arise.

Sampson could feel his heart twisting, his anger growing. How could they? They see nothing; they say nothing for the sick and the wounded! What purpose was a church that didn't love? He may not have known much, but if there was one thing he admired about Jesus was the love that didn't judge, the forgiveness and openness. It was as they said, not the healthy who needed a doctor but the sick.

'_Fueled by the endless questions__  
__No one can answer'_

He walked into the church; the stained glass window of whom he guessed was Mary staring at him. His eyes locked with the figure, and he imagined his own mother, the pain she went through but the strength she had in raising him and dealing with that asshole she called a husband for so long. It made him wonder, what would it be like raising the Son of God?

If that's who Jesus was anyway…

It made him wonder though.

He wandered into the sanctuary, passing by an usher offering him a program, though turned it down. He really didn't care about the petty details of church life.

He took a seat in the back corner, and took in the sights while he thought about the room. If he were to kill the people here, what would be the best way to do it?

He spotted a balcony above him, which would give him a good place to aim to shoot people. That and he'd be able to throw his bomb in the middle of it all.

"Come on Noah, let's go find Dad," a mother said to her son, who only looked old enough to be in elementary school, as they walked past him.

Surely a child couldn't be guilty like the rest. They didn't know. Any thoughts they did have about gay people would only be the indoctrination of their parents and teachers.

But if they grew up, they'd be just like them, just as guilty?

But would that be their fault?

Was it any if their faults if they had just been taught that?

It wasn't so simple.

Still, crimes were to be met by punishment.

And adults had the power to choose.

No matter how much they had been taught, indoctrinated, they had made their choice to follow along, like a herd of sheep blindly following their shepherd.

Likes lambs to the slaughter.

With some pleasantries said, some official stood at the front of the church, saying some prayer or something. Then people playing instruments that had to be from at least two centuries ago started playing some music Sampson thought would be good to nap through. But he joined in the singing, acting like he was interested. He didn't want to attract much attention to himself quite yet.

…

Eli hated how long it took him to lay salt down for the whole parking lot. Between that and shoveling the sidewalks for the guests, he knew that he had missed the start of the service. But that was okay; he was serving God's people, making sure they didn't slip on their way out of the church on the way home.

And well, he was sure he could always catch what he missed during the second service.

He made his way back inside, gently knocking his shovel against the side of the building to try to get the snow out of it so he didn't track it all throughout the building. He did the same with his shoes, though that didn't do as much good. At least it was only water and would dry, but he hated making a mess.

He heard Pastor Trevor's voice coming from the sanctuary, and decided to go listen in, he could put the shovel away later, and it's not like it would be a big issue. He could duck out a few minutes early and make sure everything was cleared easier that way too.

Coming in the far entrance, he saw Ben with his family near the middle of the room, but decided it would be best not to disturb the rest of the congregation so he stayed near the back of the room and he left the shovel against the back wall.

…

"Good morning congregation," Trevor said as he took his place and opened up his Bible, to read from it. "If you will turn with me to the Book of Jude please" At this, most of the congregation grabbed a Bible, and seemed to know exactly where to turn. Sampson didn't bother, even if he had a Bible, he had no idea where Jude was, or that it was even in the Bible until now. Sometimes he thought pastors just made up names and Bible passages to fit whatever they were talking about.

"As some of you may know, Jude was a brother of Jesus, and was writing this later to the various early churches."

Sampson had never known Jesus had brothers. He knew that Mary was supposed to be a virgin, and that made it pretty difficult to have kids. Unless Jude was adopted, or something; Sampson wasn't sure if that was even possible then. He shook his head, not wanting to think about that much now. He was much more curious about what this pastor had to say than the nuances of history.

"We will begin in verse 4.

"For certain individuals whose condemnation was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They are ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord.

**5 **Though you already know all this, I want to remind you that the Lord at one time delivered his people out of Egypt, but later destroyed those who did not believe. **6 **And the angels who did not keep their positions of authority but abandoned their proper dwelling—these he has kept in darkness, bound with everlasting chains for judgment on the great Day. **7 **In a similar way, Sodom, Gomorrah, and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.

**8 **In the very same way, on the strength of their dreams these ungodly people pollute their own bodies, reject authority and heap abuse on celestial beings. **9 **But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not himself dare to condemn him for slander but said, "The Lord rebuke you!" **10 **Yet these people slander whatever they do not understand, and the very things they do understand by instinct—as irrational animals do—will destroy them.

**11 **Woe to them! They have taken the way of Cain; they have rushed for profit into Balaam's error; they have been destroyed in Korah's rebellion.

**12 **These people are blemishes at your love feasts, eating with you without the slightest qualm—shepherds who feed only themselves. They are clouds without rain, blown along by the wind; autumn trees, without fruit and uprooted—twice dead. **13 **They are wild waves of the sea, foaming up their shame; wandering stars, for whom the blackest darkness has been reserved forever.

**14 **Enoch, the seventh from Adam, prophesied about them: "See, the Lord is coming with thousands upon thousands of his holy ones **15 **to judge everyone, and to convict all of them of all the ungodly acts they have committed in their ungodliness, and of all the defiant words ungodly sinners have spoken against him." **16 **These people are grumblers and faultfinders; they follow their own evil desires; they boast about themselves and flatter others for their own advantage.

"Sadly this letter applies to our age as much as it did then, with those who partake in such ungodly acts against the will of God. They wander away, not caring about what is right, as the Bible says; they slander us when we try to point them toward the salvation of our Lord Jesus Christ. Like Sodom, from whom we get the name sodomy from, those who partake in this sexual immorality will lead them to eternal punishment."

Sampson gritted his teeth, knowing just where this was leading. He wondered if the Bible truly said these things, that Jude could be so harsh, while his brother preached love.

"As those of you who read the newspapers have heard, there was a gentlemen who was injured gravely outside the gay club down the road the other night."

At this, both Eli and Sampson were instantly brought deeper into the pastor's words, knowing all too well to whom he was referring, and while one's anger started to build within him, the other started to fear. Words were like venom, their hearts like an open wound.

"And he will only be the first caught in the judgment of God for their horrific sin. As I have preached for so long, the holy God we serve will not tolerate this. He gave them a time to repent; a time to seek his forgiveness, but his grace shall not be triumphed by his holiness. He commanded the people to be holy, laid out his law plainly in the scriptures and in the hearts of men so they would not have any excuse. However, they have turned from him, and this man received the wrath he so deserved. Actually, that isn't quite true. He deserved hell for what he did, and it is only God's grace that he's still alive, but he will receive damnation unless he repents."

Sampson was unable to take any more of this pastor's hate. He stood up, running up to the front of the room, yelling as he did so. "That's my boyfriend you're talking about."

Trevor crossed his arms, looking this young man in the eye.

"And if you have not come to accept the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ than God will strike you down next."

"You know, I don't really know or care if your God or Jesus exists."

"Then you will burn in hell for your sin and your rejection. Without the love of Christ we are sinners in the hands of an angry God."

"Fine, say that God will strike me down. I don't have to believe it. But one thing you need to know. _I_ will be the one to strike you down!"

Eli stood back in shock, not sure of what was going on. He didn't notice Sampson when he came in earlier, being on the other side of the room, but he felt his heart racing as he, and his pastor exchanged words. He knew what Trevor said was true, that homosexuality was a sin, and sin deserved the wrath of God.

He prepared himself to say something, though didn't have anything he could say. He stood up, frozen in confusion.

However, nothing could have prepared him for what happened next.

Sampson tore his jacket off, revealing the weapon he had carried. "I wanted to believe I was wrong about you, that you weren't someone I should hate, or someone who might be a decent human. But I won't feel bad about killing you." He moved his gun up, taking aim as he'd done a thousand times before, however, there were never targets that bled when he shot.

Trevor reeled back in shock as the congregation let out a joint gasp of horror. If any of them wanted to stop Sampson, they didn't have time. Planting his feet on the ground he took aim, and pulled the trigger, the recoil worse than he remembered, but the adrenaline kept him standing.

Trevor screamed, the pain slicing through him like a thousand knifes, digging into his leg. He fell to the ground, blood pouring out from his pant leg, the black dress pants turning crimson red. He felt himself growing dizzy, the pain as if it was burning every inch of him, though not there at all.

People in the congregation ran for cover, fleeing the sanctuary at record speeds. Some stayed behind, either wanting to help, or completely paralyzed by fear.

Through the chaos, Eli stood while the hundreds ran by him.

In a time of need, evaluations of morality rarely matter, only the instinct of right and wrong.

Sampson slowly walked up to the pastor, and Eli knew that if he didn't do something, Sampson would finish what he had intended with the first shot. Taking a big gulp, swallowing all his fear and uncertainty, Eli gripped this shovel, it being the only weapon he could see.

He'd never be able to stand up to a gun with a weapon like that.

But faith demanded action.

Hope demanded trust.

So going with a prayer, he ran up the aisle, against the crowds running, colliding into one with every step he took. Trying to cut across the sanctuary by jumping and walking up the seats of the pews, he saw Ben hiding underneath one of them.

Eli jumped down, wanting to comfort his friend. "He-I- Don't- please- God, help." Ben shook, his words broken and breaths uneven, like he was about to hyperventilate. He lay on the floor, as if he was trying to bury himself further from sight.

"Get out of here Ben. I'll take care of this."

"But- you, and the gun-"

"Trust me," Eli said with a faith that he wasn't sure was real, but he believe in just the same.

Walking away from Ben, he continued down the isle, hoping his loud footsteps in snow boots wouldn't give his actions away.

He readied himself, telling his body to expect pain should it come, but to fight with the endurance that would end this bloodshed before it got any worse.

As he got within a few feet of Sampson who was still turned toward the Pastor, he pulled the shovel back, ready to swing it. But within seconds of him pulling it forward, Sampson turned around, ducking and catching the head of the shovel with his shotgun. He pushed the shovel up, before ramming his foot into Eli's chest, sending the young man back, stumbling into a pew forcing him to drop his weapon. The power of the impact, forced Sampson's hand to hit the trigger again, this time shooting into the air, the bullet colliding against a chandelier some distance away from the gunman.

Eli saw red clouding his vision, and as he got up, he tasted blood in his mouth and saw several drops of red on his coat. Combined with the searing pressure inside of his chest, he was sure Sampson did something to his ribs or lungs with that attack.

He didn't care though.

He didn't care that Sampson was a foot taller than him, and much more muscular.

He didn't care that Sampson had a gun while he didn't have a weapon right now.

He didn't care that Sampson knew how to fight, while he had never truly thrown a punch.

He would fight, die for what was right.

Getting back to his feet, despite the uneasiness making it hard to stand, he looked for the shovel that he had just a few seconds ago, but saw it sitting near Sampson's feet.

"So, you're willing to fight when it's a sick bastard like this, but wouldn't lift a finger to help Jacob. You're no different. I'll kill you just like him." Sampson readied his gun, while Eli ran toward, him, knowing that the shovel was the only way he could strike a strong enough blow to stop Sampson.

Sampson saw his foe coming.

He picked up the shovel as Eli ran at it, spun as Eli ran past him. Sampson then swung the shovel, striking Eli in the back of the head with enough force to send him falling to the ground, his vision growing dark and spinning at the same time. Eli tried to push himself back up, but all the strength in his arms failed him. As if rain was pouring through his head, his hair was soaked. Though he knew the room wasn't moving, he felt like he was riding a merry-go-round before he drifted out of consciousness.

"Eli!" Pastor Trevor screamed.

"You've said enough."

Sampson turned toward the wounded pastor who had tried getting away, to one of the back doors, though with one leg that couldn't harldy move, he didn't make it far.

And Sampson would make sure he never would.

Sampson reached into his coat pocket, pulling out his bomb and the lighter. With the flame, he ignited the cloth wrapped around the bottle, the flame burning bright in his hand, the warmth of the fire the only warmth he felt. He lugged it forward, the glass shattering as it hit the stage, the gas instantly combining with the flames surrounding the bottle.

This created a fireball that instantly engulfed the stage in the inferno, cutting off any path of escape the pastor might have had. The flames danced around the various musical instruments, some of them licking at the cross that stood at the centerpiece of the whole church.

Trevor looked forward, behind him, seeing how futile his efforts were. He opened his mouth to say something, though Sampson never gave him that chance.

With a steady finger on the trigger Sampson let several rounds fly forward, tearing through Trevor's stomach and chest.

Blood and flesh poured out from his perfectly pressed suit. The cleanliness stained red, as the body fell to the ground. Sampson saw some movement in the chest, though the body jerked at each movement. It wouldn't matter though, he'd be dead soon enough anyway. Sampson pulled the trigger again, sending a few more shots through him. He knew his ammo wasn't unlimited, but Sampson wanted to make sure that he died for what he did. Most of the rest ran; they got away, but Trevor was the one who deserved this the most.

With the body's seemingly endless blood all pouring out, and movement stopped, Sampson considered that one finished, though delivered a kick to the corpse's head just to make sure of it.

He turned back to Eli, who was still struggling on the floor. For a moment he felt bad about shooting someone who couldn't defend himself.

But his hate soon made him reconsider.

Taking aim again, he placed his finger on the trigger ready to fire. The sound of sirens told him that his time would run out soon, so he'd have to end Eli's life now.

As he pulled the trigger, the recoil pushing him back while the bullet screamed through the air, a voice cried out from the aisle way. "Please stop," the still soft voice said which caused Sampson to take his hand off the trigger, but not soon enough to stop the first bullet from leaving the gun and embedding itself into Eli's back. "Eli, no," Ben said seeing his friends' blood splash out.

Ben looked toward Eli, falling on his knees, hoping that Eli would say something, but didn't even scream out in pain. Unconscious or dead, Ben didn't know. He hoped for the first, but knew how real the second could be, even if he was alive, he might not be for long.

While the fire of the room danced behind him, Sampson faced Ben.

What was he doing here?

Why?

"Ben," he said in a whisper. He wanted to protect Ben from the hell that was his family; he wanted to give him courage to stand up to those who would hurt him.

"Eli, say something," Ben said beside Eli, shaking him, too lost in the horror to even notice Sampson's comment, or the older boy walking toward him, gun still in hand.

Sampson's hand had left the trigger, though he still had the gun pointed forward.

"No, God no, please don't, please don't die."

Sampson stood about ten feet from Ben, standing just over Eli's body. He looked down, the faint breaths from Eli growing fainter, the smoke from the bomb filling the room.

He pointed the gun at Eli's head. All it would take would be a single shot to ensure he died. Not that his chances of survival looked too good.

Moving his finger back to the trigger, he readied his body to fire another round.

"D-d-d-don't," Ben said, and Sampson looked down, to see his friend staring up at him, pleading with tears in his eyes.

He moved his finger away.

Before Sampson could decide his next move, his attention was caught on something above him, the sounds of metal breaking and clashing against metal. He looked up, and through a brief hole in the smoke, he saw a chandelier shaking, one chain broken, the loops of the others becoming looser and looser, as they stretched under the extra weight.

He then looked forward; saw that it's shadow was directly centered on Ben.

The creek of the chains rang out again.

"Ben, get away!" Sampson said, tossing his gun to the side and running forward.

As if in slow motion, Ben looked up, the sound of the chain breaking going through his ears, but not registering. Sampson sprinted forward as fast as his legs would take him.

It wasn't fast enough.

In an instant, the chandelier fell, crushing Ben.

"No!" Sampson yelled, looking for something he could find to get the Chandelier off him. He looked around and saw nothing. He bent down, hoping he could somehow lift so much weight.

He could hear Ben crying; see the boy struggle through what had to be a number of broken bones. One of the arms of the chandelier was on his upper back, having to be crushing his lungs. Relying on adrenaline to give him new strength, he wrapped his hands around the bronze of the chandelier, the fire from the candles getting loose, setting the carpet ablaze around him, some of them nipping at Ben's shirt.

Remembering all he had been taught about lifting, to use his knees to help bear the weight, to keep his breathing even, to take things slowly.

But Ben didn't have time for slow, not if he was going to get out of this alive. He of all people deserved to live.

The chandelier moved an inch off the ground, but still was in Ben's back.

"Can you move Ben?" Sampson yelled as much as he could, having trouble holding it such a small distance off the ground.

Ben inched forward, but couldn't make any progress. Ben's shirt had started to catch fire, and Sampson knew if he didn't do something to put it out, it would kill him just as much as the chandelier would. Fire jumped at his own feet, but he wouldn't let that stop him. He'd save Ben, then himself, if there were even any salvation for him.

The doors burst open, and Sampson saw someone run toward them. "Get this thing off him," Sampson yelled.

The stranger did as Sampson said, running over to the chandelier, and through the smoke that continued to fill the room, Sampson couldn't see who it was. "He'll be okay," the voice said.

Sampson crouched as low as he could, doing everything he could to get the best leverage that he could to lift. The stranger seemed to give him just the strength that he needed as the heavy chandelier lifted off the ground, lifting it off Ben. Flames continued to consume them, but the stranger pulled Ben away while Sampson bore the weight. Not a second after Ben was clear did Sampson's strength give out, the hundreds of pounds of metal crashing to the ground with Sampson falling on top of it. The flames jumped up, grabbing onto Sampson, burning all around him.

"Thank you," Ben said, looking up at the mysterious savior who held him and Sampson who he could only see through the fire.

"Get out of here," Sampson said. "Be strong and live." The smoke from the rising flames was filling Sampson's lungs, forcing him to cough through every other word. "Don't cry buddy."

With the help of the stranger Ben got back to his feet, Sampson looking on. He heard the sirens come closer, through the open doors now, and knew his time was over. He saw Ben and the stranger walk through the policemen running into the room.

Good, that meant they were safe.

With that, the burns along his body started making themselves known, excruciating pain all through his body, worst of all in his legs. He knew he couldn't get out of here alive, not without being in a lot of pain. So going as fast as his body would let him, he made his way back to his gun, seeing the growing fire in front of him and hearing the wordless voices of the police behind him.

He fell to his knees at the gun's side, seeing it had a couple bullets left in it.

"Jacob," he said as he took aim for one final shot. "I love you. I'm sorry. And Ben, you'll be in my heart, as I go to whatever is next." He let his hand rest on the trigger, hearing the shouts of whoever it was storming the room. "God," he said, talking to someone he wasn't even sure was real. "If you're there, I guess I'll see you soon. I wonder, what of me will you remember."

With that, Sampson pulled the trigger, and in a second, his whole world went dark.

…

**A/N: **There's still an epilogue to go. Maybe a few more answers there.

...

I never promised a happy ending.

...


	49. Chapter 49: Broken

**Chapter 49: ****Broken**

News travels fast, or so it seems. Rumors lead to questions, which lead to facts. No matter how unpleasant or saddening.

They tried hiding it from Jacob, for a time at least. They didn't want to make his recovery didn't want to destroy the driving force that kept him going through the chaos.

It wasn't like he never asked about him. But they seemed to come up with something else that needed taken care of, an excuse to change the subject.

Jacob saw through them.

Maybe not the truth, but he could see the lie.

He sensed something was wrong.

He just didn't have the questions to ask exactly what.

It was funny.

In a time where lies are seen and truths so clouded, can we even know the light should it shine?

Is the light we seek for such a wondrous goal, when our darkness covers our own eyes?

Where does light shine the brightest?

Where does love shout the loudest?

In a world of chaos and confusion, when rumors spread, the last lines of truth are made into a world of lies.

Jacob wanted the truth.

Not just the facts.

The medical results were true.

The amount of times his heart beat a minute, the size of the swelling on his head, the rating of his pain and the doses of drugs he took.

Those were facts.

But that wasn't the truth he sought.

"Are you ready to go home now?" His mom asked as she checked the various instruments and unwound the bandages that were still wrapped around his head.

"Been ready for a while," Jacob said, the searing pain from before, now a dull thud, and that was with less medicine than before.

"We're hoping to send you home tomorrow," she said gently, "Just want to make sure things won't get worse before we let you out of here."

"That's probably a good idea," Jacob said, although he'd really grown to hate this place. Sure, he knew he had to be here, but he would have much rather been in his own bed while he recovered from this pain.

He thought about what he'd do when he got home, the first thing he wanted to do was to spend some time with Sampson in his own home. It was Tuesday now, and he hadn't seen Sampson since that last Saturday. Then again, his dad had to know by now, and that left a hundred questions unanswered about that. He didn't know how his dad took it. Sure, his father came to visit a couple times over the last few days, but they never talked much, just seeing how Jacob was doing, catching up on all those meaningless little things that filled the world.

Still, he had to know, and that silence left him uneasy. For those moments, they both seemed to pretend that Sampson never existed, that Jacob hadn't been doing anything to be frowned upon before he got attacked.

It was as if everything was normal.

And that normalness scared him even more than the craziest nightmares he could ever imagine.

Living knowing what you're in the middle of is hard.

Not knowing, that's harder.

"It feels like, just so weird being in here. Like everything stopped."

"You're not the first patient to say that," his mom said applying fresh bandages around his head.

"Maybe Sampson will come after he's done with school," Jacob said, folding his arms, thinking that would make things a lot better.

"Unfortunately, that's not going to happen today," his mom said softly, as if she didn't want him to hear it.

"Why?" Had his parents forbid Jacob from seeing him? But Sampson had been there before, did he do that without them knowing? Even if they didn't like it, were they willing to let that by?

"Jacob, I hate to tell you this," his mom said, before seeming to choke up, which made him want to know even more. Then again, he had no idea the tragedy that had happened only a couple days ago, a story worse than his worst nightmares becoming reality.

"What is it?"

"Sampson is dead."

He didn't think he heard the words right at first. Sure, he knew what each word was, and what each one meant, but with them together like that, it just didn't make sense; it couldn't be true, it wasn't true.

"Huh?"

His mom took a seat on the edge of his bed, though there was barely enough room in it for Jacob. "Last Sunday, Sampson died." While she knew more details than that, Jacob didn't need to know them, not now at least, not when he was trying to heal.

"How-why, it can't be." It still didn't make sense. How could he die? No, surely he must have misheard it; the drugs must have been affecting his mind.

"Some...things happened. They ended with him being shot. They don't know exactly what happened there."

"Did they catch who did it?"

Should she say that he was the one, who started it, that however it was that he ended up being shot, that it was something he had brought on by himself? With the only people who stayed in the room and lived when it happened were Ben and Eli, and both of them were in no condition to give a testimony to a police, beyond some vague descriptions of the chaotic mess. She didn't want to tell her son that much, to put so much on him. She hated that she even mentioned he died. But she didn't want to lie to him either, and knew she couldn't for much longer.

"No," she said, thinking that answer at least feigned honesty.

"I see," Jacob felt the tears falling down his face, the pain of a breaking heart slowly eating at him.

Why?

Why would God let this happen?

Did God hate him? Did God hate this relationship?

Or was there some kind of twisted meaning that he didn't want to bother understanding?

Who would kill Sampson?

The same people who tried to kill him?

Or someone else?

Was it because he was gay?

Or did they even know that he was?

Jacob wanted to know. He felt his heart constrict in hatred, his hands balling into fists despite his weakness. He wanted to fight, wanted to punch someone, but there wasn't a thing he could do to bring back the dead. No amount of anger or love could reverse price he could pay would be enough to buy back a human soul.

"Are you okay?" his mom asked.

"How can I be? Sampson is dead!"

"I know it's hard," she said putting a hand on Jacob's shoulder. She never had to bury a lover. But she'd had family die, those she loved, some too young to go. She thought about her own little brother, the soldier who she lost, and the tears she cried and the questions she'd asked God.

Clichés of God's love wouldn't help. A gentle hug for her son couldn't take the pain away. But it was all she could offer.

"This isn't a lie, is it?" Jacob asked quietly.

"No, I'm so sorry," she said, sharing in shedding tears with her son.

"I understand," he said, though understanding an acceptance were far from the same. He closed his eyes, letting the tears fall from them onto his cheek. He wanted that strong arm around him again, he wanted the safety, the acceptance Sampson offered. He wanted his friend, the one he loved back with him. He didn't want to believe anything else. He pictured the two of them standing in front of the crowd at school, he was scared, hurt, but at that time, it seemed right. But what was right? He didn't know.

"God, help," he prayed turning over to face away from his mom.


	50. Chapter 50: Last Words

**Chapter 50: Last Words**

Car rides seemed to always fill Jacob with emotion. However, they never filled him with so many memories, so much pain. He tried shrinking back in his seat, the silence between him and his father suffocating him.

And that didn't even touch on him knowing he was going to the church, the place that caused him so many questions and pain, now to lay his boyfriend to rest once and for all.

He never knew how the relationship with Sampson would end.

He knew there were many other possibilities than a happily ever after.

But this ending was one he never thought possible.

"Dad?" he asked so softly.

"What is it Jacob?"

"Are you mad...at me...for all this?"

"You mean what you and Sampson were doing?"

"Yeah."

Jacob's father took a deep sigh. "Your mother and I talked a lot about this while you were in the hospital. At first, I was a bit mad, that my son could be acting like this. Angry that you'd be gay, angry at you for hiding what you were doing, angry at myself, wondering what I could have done differently to stop you from turning out this way."

"I see..."

"I guess I can't choose what you want to do with your life. Doesn't mean I have to like it though. These days I keep hearing people say that you should be yourself, and follow your own path. I guess that's all fine and good and all, finding their way in the world. But when they forget about God, look to themselves as the measure of all things, then they're just running toward hell."

Jacob sighed looking away.

"I don't think you're quite like that though," his dad said.

"What do you mean?"

"You're scared, confused, but still want to do what's right. Combine that with being a teenager filled with hormones, and it's no wonder things have been so hard for you. You just don't know what to do, your body is telling you one thing, you're mind another, and everybody around you thinks they've gotten it figured out and is trying to take you along with them while you're so turned around you don't know which way is up, but you're still searching for the right answer. That's different that someone who doesn't care about the morality of their actions. A desire to do what's right, I think that's the important part."

"So what do you do when you don't know what's right?"

"Get on your knees and pray for the wisdom to know and the grace for when you mess up."

Jacob did pray through this, tried to resist what he thought was wrong, but as he got closer to Sampson, it didn't seem wrong at all.

"I remember when I was your age. There was this girl, Cindy. You'd be surprised how easily I could justify what I did with her. Doesn't make it right though. And whatever excuses you have doesn't make your sin any better."

"It's a lot to take in," Jacob said.

"Not as simple as pastors make it sound, is it?"

Jacob shook his head. Things had been far from easy these past few weeks. The hate he felt, the scars it left, both on his body and on his heart would never go away. He couldn't deny the feelings of his heart, the passion he felt for Sampson. Was it truly love? In the midst of chaos and confusion, he thought it was, but now he wasn't so sure.

"You think what I was doing was wrong though?"

"I do," he said calmly as they pulled into the church parking lot. "I believe you should ask God for forgiveness and avoid relationships like that in the future."

He had accepted that he was gay. Was it time to turn the other way? To give up that way of life?

"I doubt it will make the temptation go away though. But if you do fall, God is there to pick you up. In the battle between sin and love, God's love always wins. And my love isn't dependent on any choices you make."

God's love always won…

Did it for Sampson?

Would he go to heaven or hell after all he had done?

Sampson never indicated a belief in Christ, and if it was true he killed that pastor, not to mention nearly killing Eli and Ben, that would mean he deserved hell.

But he saved Ben, at the risk of his own life to do so.

Did that mean anything?

Did that make him a hero?

Or was the fact that he was the reason Ben nearly died what made him a villain?

Jacob would say Sampson was a good person, but how good was good enough for a perfect, and holy God?

No person was good enough…

That was the whole point of Christianity.

Sinners saved by grace, empowered by the Holy Spirit to restore the world.

Sure, it was slow.

Sure, they messed up.

But at the foot of the cross all men were equal.

Liars, adulterers, murderers and priests.

All the same against the righteousness of God.

No amount of good done by man could overcome the evil of sin.

Jacob remembered his grandma's death a few years back. It was sad yes, but a reminder of things to come, that things were far better for her.

But what about Sampson?

If he was he condemned to hell, then what?

Jacob wanted to believe that somehow, Sampson came to Christ in his last moments.

Perhaps that was the only hope that kept Jacob sane through this past week.

Sure, it seemed unlikely, but was that impossible?

Nothing was impossible with God.

But that didn't mean it was likely.

Jacob's dad pulled into the church parking lot and the two of them made their way into the church, the few people that were there were dressed up, crying over Sampson's loss. They entered the sanctuary which with some seats moved to the sides of the room worked as the viewing room. Jacob stood near the back of the room, watching the few people coming in and out. The place seemed so empty, compared to the few other funerals he had been to. He knew Sampson wasn't close to his family, but he saw Tracy there crying. Jacob also saw who appeared to be a couple other relatives, and as he continued to search, a couple of Sampson's other friends. From a distance, he spotted Robert in another corner of the room, carrying what looked to be a small bottle of wine, but he decided to stay away from him, at least for the day.

Jacob saw Zeke welcoming the few people, trying to be as gracious as he could to everyone as they came in. In a way, it amazed him that Zeke was doing the service, but not because he was the one doing it, but that no one else had been willing too.

He wondered, how many people would have embraced the love of the church if not for their hatred of the homosexuals.

Sure, not everyone in the church hated them.

But he'd seen the signs, felt the pain, and cried the tears.

It was more than enough.

He wanted to go home, forget everything that had happened, all the pain, all the scars on his body, and heart. Reaching up to his head, he could feel the bandages still there, where his hair used to hang over his skull.

He couldn't forget.

Sampson wouldn't want him to.

"You still want to do this Jacob?" Zeke asked walking over to him.

"Yeah," Jacob said, feeling the letter held in his pocket. He could feel the monsoon of tears that were starting to build already, just being across the room from the body.

"I've got the guitar in my car, I'll bring it over to the cemetery."

"Thank you," Jacob said.

The casket kept drawing his eye, though he didn't want to go over to it. He missed Sampson, but now it only hurt like a sword stuck in the middle of his stomach. If he actually saw the body, even touched it, he knew the pain would grow to something like having shattered glass shoved into every nerve.

He wasn't ready for it.

Not yet.

Though he wasn't sure he'd ever be.

He saw Matt and Ben enter the room a few minutes later, glad to see some friends here in this sad and dark room.

"How's it going?" Jacob asked.

"They let him out of the hospital last night," Matt said, a look of relief spread across his face. Jacob could still tell Matt carried a lot of stress, but despite the somber environment, Jacob could still see Matt's gentle smile.

"Glad to be in your new home?" Jacob asked.

"Oh yeah, it's awesome," Ben said. "The apartment is just big enough for the two of us."

"Did your parents say anything about this, after what happened with Ben?" Jacob asked, quietly, while Ben wondered off by himself.

"Dad blamed Mom in the hospital for it happening. Some things happened and they started screaming, something about eaves dropping, and it was a big mess. I hadn't seen a battle like that since the night of the 26th when they got divorced."

"Wow."

"I'm kind of glad they gave up worrying about Ben, and instead worried about their hate for each other, made it easier for him anyway."

"Still doesn't make it right," Jacob said, looking toward the casket where Ben was standing, placing a piece of paper next to Sampson's body.

"We live in a pretty messed up world," Matt said with his arms crossed. "People are hurt because they're different, people die because of hate. I can see why people are so quick to doubt how a good God could let this happen," Matt said.

"He saved my life, and saved Ben's though," Jacob said. "I guess there are some things we can't understand." He wondered why God choose to save some people and let others die. He'd heard it said that a truly good God couldn't let evil exist, that by allowing it to happen, he was guilty of it, something a good God couldn't be. But sometimes not all questions had answers. Sometimes not all journeys have a clear end. "We probably never could understand it all."

"Ain't that the truth."

Some words were said, some pleasantries exchanged, and then the small congregation made their way to the cemetery not so far from the church.

The grave had been dug, awaiting the casket, which Jacob, and a number of men, who Sampson knew in some way, carried. The box seemed so heavy, the weight of all his emotions making it even harder for Jacob to carry. But with Matt behind him and Ben in front of him, he made it, set it down, ready for it to be buried, never to see light again.

Jacob's tears sprinkled the ground. He didn't make any effort to hide them, but let them fall, comforted by the hand on his shoulder from Ben.

True friends remained no matter what trials came.

They didn't look away when you started to cry.

They held you, reminded you that for every hurt there was a healer.

"Jacob, are you ready?" Zeke asked.

Jacob nodded and took a spot in front of the tomb, and looked out at the people gathered here. "Before Sampson died, he wrote a poem to me, knowing that what he was doing would likely end in his death. I'm not here to say what he did was right or wrong. I'm not here to say what I did with him was right or wrong."

He heard the sound of a motorcycle in the distance, but quickly got back to his speech.

"I loved him. And, I think he'd want me to share these words."

Ashes fall

Raindrops crawl

Blood never should be shed

So now my anger, will never be fed

I make this stand

I hope you understand

If I do die

Please don't cry.

Remember me for who I was, for what I did for you.

And know that whatever happens,

I love you.

Sampson

P.S. I suck at poetry. Hopefully you'll never have to see it. But, it felt right, to write something, y'know?

Jacob didn't read that last line, but it made it smile just a bit. It figured that even after Sampson was gone, he'd still be able to make him laugh.

It filled him with sobering tears, to put that piece of paper away, and he calmly walked away, just over the edge of completely losing it.

"And now Ben is going to sing a song he wrote in light of these events, accompanied by Jacob on guitar."

Jacob put the strap over his shoulder, glad that it still felt the same, giving him a sense of normalcy in the chaos of his life. He hoped people would hear, think, that the message of the song would go where he never could. Maybe that would stop the hate. Maybe that would spread the love.

"Are you ready?" Jacob asked, taking a seat on the ground while Ben stood over him. Ben was taking heavy breaths, knowing he wouldn't be able to hit the notes right if he couldn't take the breaths he needed.

"Yeah, go ahead," Ben said, and Jacob began strumming.

_In this world that we live in,  
__Where chains of hate so seems to reign,  
__We walk in fear and torment,  
__And pray for the light of a new day.__  
_

_But when the hatred comes and strikes us down,_

_Turn around,  
__And embrace that man with love.  
__Turn around,  
__And remind him of the savior that has come.  
__Turn around,  
__And let every fear and worry fade in the light of the Son.__  
_

_We carry the scars of our battles,  
__Our instincts tell us to fight.  
__But when did we forget,  
__That we were meant to be salt, and light.__  
_

_Turn the other cheek and let him see,  
__That this life is more than just you and me.  
__Show him that what's worth fighting for,  
__Is greater than this brokenness that is so torn,__  
_

_Overcome the chains of hate that bind,  
__With the power of healing that leads the blind.  
__Light the path, and show him the way,  
__Bestow the truth that sin does not rein today.__  
_

_For the great king set all his captives free,  
__And it's His that love calls to all sinners, like you and me.__  
_

...

Only a couple dozen feet away, a boy sat near the top of a tree, silently clapping for the two musicians, shedding a tear or two himself. He knew that this wouldn't be the last time he'd meet them, though didn't know quite where they'd meet again. But their story was just beginning, something greater than anything they could imagine awaited them.

He wept for the lives lost, thinking back to where he came from. But he remembered the hope that never gave up, and the miracles that shine, in the darkest of nights.

…

_**A/N: **_And with that, I declare this story, finished!

I first planned on this story being 20-25 chapters, and finishing it sometime early December. As you can see, this chapter is number 50, I'm writing this mid way through January, and it's past my bedtime. And I'm considering writing some lost chapters too, which I'll post later. They were ones that for whatever reason didn't fit into the main narrative, either because the right characters weren't there to show their perspective, or it would completely go against the genre of the story, or other reasons.

I'm sure you have questions, about many things. So I'll answer some of them now. Nearly all the characters that I used were named after something in particular, so that might shed some light on where they came from.

Jacob: Named after the Biblical character Jacob, because of being one who wrestled with God. With all his struggles and confusion, this I'd say fit him well.

Sampson: Also named after the Biblical character. I asked a friend for a name that would work for temptation, and he thought of Sampson, which fit perfectly for my story. Granted, Sampson in the Bible had a weakness for women, and Sampson here was gay, but I thought it worked. In the Bible, Sampson died tearing down the temple of Israel's enemies, so in some ways, Sampson here died the same way.

Ben: Named after the youngest son of Jacob in the book of Genesis. This character was not planned in the beginning, but quickly became one of my favorites. He may be part of the reason the story exploded the way it did, but the story wouldn't have been the same without him.

Matt: Named after the disciple and the writer of the Gospel of Matthew. At first, he was supposed to represent an old way of thinking, keeping in line with traditions and customs, because Matthew was primarily writing to the Jewish people when he wrote his gospel. His role expanded quite a bit, especially with Ben's growing plot.

Mark: Named after the writer of the gospel of Mark. He didn't have much of a role in this story, which is kind of unfortunate. I really don't know that much about him. I wanted him to be a character that was at the middle of good stories, because the gospel of Mark was the strongest narrative of the gospels.

Eli: Named after the character Elihu from the Book of Job (chapters 32-37). Elihu was an interesting character in the Bible. The book of Job was a wisdom debate between Job and his three friends, and then Elihu came around, and joined, despite being a lot younger than the rest of them. However, despite his many claims that he was getting his knowledge from God, he was basically just saying what everyone else had already said. In fact, some of Eli's lines in his first appearance were taken straight out of Elihu's speech.

That's all for now...probably, maybe.

...

And as promised, for the next 5 (May 12-May16)days, the start of Azaiah's story will be available for free on the Kindle. Look up Call of the Hero: Hero's Visions and you should be able to find it.

Also, I'd like to announce I've recently published a book of poetry, available on Amazon for Kindle here: www . amazon Journey-ebook/dp/B00CJPI0AG/ and also available as a physical book from CreateSpace here: www . createspace 4252285. As a thank you for reading my stories, if you buy it from CreateSpace, you can enter discount code: WQVN3SY4 to get 2 dollars off.


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